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Can anyone relate Ptw

SienaSiena Posts: 15,687 Skive's The Limit
in Health & Wellbeing
(Ive tried my best to stay within the guidelines). I can't even tell if im suicidal. But i was in hospital for 2 nights. And both mornings I woke up, being really agitated and upset it didn't work. Its the worst feeling ever.

But I dont think i want to die? I just really want to die Now but not Forever?. I Just want to wake up to the time - where everyone says everything will be better. I feel like i need a break from life. I cant take it. I'm to sensitive for it. I can't even explain it. I'm just so overwhelmed with different emotions and tired. Like phsycially It's to much to handle. I just keep crying. Im pathetic.

It's frustrating because it's just in my head but it feels so phsyical. Like how can you cry so much just for from pain you cant even see. It doesn't stop and feel so broken.

College is to much stress for me and i know i won't be a student forever but it still stresses me out to the point I dont want to be here.

I dont want to live with myself and live my life anymore. I Feel no point in my existence and a burden to my family and the NHS. And just an extra body that's not need. And no one woukd care if I left. nothing drastic would happen.

I know it's not possible to die just for now but then i think - is it even worth it. Like even if it does get better would going through all this pain be worth it. Then that's when i start thinking I do actually want to die.

And it's pathetic that i feel so sorry for myself. Cause tbh - i do & im literally drowning in self pity. But it's really draining me so much .

I'm sitting here at nearly 3am. And right now I dont want to leave the house again. What even is life. It's to loud and people are sickos. It's a big place and it really scares me so much.

This isn't even life its just torture how is it fair I'm meant to live with so much suffering. And why is it selfish for me to not want to be in pain. Of corse it would come across my mind when it feels like the only peace i will get.

Thanks for reading
“And when they look at you, they won't see everything you've been through. They won't see the **** that turned to scars that began to fade with time. They won't see the heartbreaking things that shook up and changed your entire world. They won't know how many tears you cried or even what it was you were crying about. They won't see how strong you had to be because you had no other choice. What they will see though is how compassionate you are because you experienced pain. What they will see is how kind you are because you experienced how cruel the world is. What they will see is how good you are because you've seen how bad things or people can be. The difference between you and your experiences are who you choose to be, despite everything that could have turned you cold and unkind.You are the good the world needs and the best of us.” ~ Kirsten Corley
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Comments

  • CharlotteCharlotte Posts: 229 Trailblazer
    Hi shaunie,

    Sounds like you are going through a really hard time at the moment. I understand the way you are feeling completely. I also understand that you are feeling a lot of confusion with all these different thoughts and feelings. We have to try and stay strong for the future and try and think it could get better as we can change it. I also wish I didn't have to be here at this moment in time and could come back when everything have cleared up a bit. We can beat this.

    The stress of collage is a lot, with exams coming up it can all get to much but try and take some time for yourself. I will be hard but you can push through it not too much longer to go.

    Your not pathetic and you would be missed if you weren't here, you are strong. This will get better even if it looks like it is getting worse.

    Stay strong you can do this. How you feeling now?
  • AoifeAoife Community Manager Posts: 3,228 Boards Guru
    Hey Shaunie,

    It sounds like you're going through such a difficult time at the moment. I just wanted to say how brave you are for opening up about everything that you're going through, this is often such a difficult step to take. It's really great you're looking for advice from other's who might be able to relate to what you're going through. Life can be so difficult sometimes and can often feel like things won't ever get better, but like Aidan said holding onto that hope, even if it's small, can help keep you going. You're not alone at all we're all here for you whenever you need to talk things through. :)

    You mentioned that college is stressful at the moment, like Charlotte mentioned taking time for yourself can often help when things are getting too much. Sometimes doing more of what we love can help through these stressful and difficult times. Is there something you really enjoy doing that you'd like to do more of?

    If you ever feel like things are getting too much or overwhelming, Samaritans or Papyrus are there to talk through anything you're going through and offer you advice and support.

    How are you feeling today?
    Maybe somethings don't get better, but we do. We get stronger. We learn to live with our situations as messy and ugly as they are. We fix what we can and we adapt to what we can't. Maybe some of us will never fully be okay, but at least we're here. We're still trying. We're doing the best we can. That's worth celebrating too ❤
  • SienaSiena Posts: 15,687 Skive's The Limit
    Thank you all. That does mean a lot. I was going to say I still feel the same. But rereading what i wrote, reminds me how low i was feeling and feel tiny bit better then that.

    But i really need help right now. Ive been really sick from what I did and im really scared. I dont know what to do. It's only hitting me how much damage I'm doing. But I've been really sick and dont know if that's helps it be less damaging. ?:(
    “And when they look at you, they won't see everything you've been through. They won't see the **** that turned to scars that began to fade with time. They won't see the heartbreaking things that shook up and changed your entire world. They won't know how many tears you cried or even what it was you were crying about. They won't see how strong you had to be because you had no other choice. What they will see though is how compassionate you are because you experienced pain. What they will see is how kind you are because you experienced how cruel the world is. What they will see is how good you are because you've seen how bad things or people can be. The difference between you and your experiences are who you choose to be, despite everything that could have turned you cold and unkind.You are the good the world needs and the best of us.” ~ Kirsten Corley
  • Former MemberFormer Member The Mix Posts: 292 The Mix Regular
    Hey Shaunie,

    Glad to hear that you're feeling that tiny bit better! Have you tried getting advice from any of the places Aife has hyperlinked you?

    Just remember that it is never too late to start afresh! The fact that you are acknowledging that you have done some damage is a good step in overcoming it! You're doing really well and remember you have all of us here at the mix to help support you!

    Drea:heart:
  • SienaSiena Posts: 15,687 Skive's The Limit
    Thank you drea.
    They use phone calls and i wouldn't ring.
    And forgot to put. I can't take time out for myself a way from college. I'm in my second year, and basically have done no work. I have two years of work to do in a few weeks. No one will help me because they don't know how to talk to me. And im to shy for any of this. I'm going to get no where in life. There's no point
    “And when they look at you, they won't see everything you've been through. They won't see the **** that turned to scars that began to fade with time. They won't see the heartbreaking things that shook up and changed your entire world. They won't know how many tears you cried or even what it was you were crying about. They won't see how strong you had to be because you had no other choice. What they will see though is how compassionate you are because you experienced pain. What they will see is how kind you are because you experienced how cruel the world is. What they will see is how good you are because you've seen how bad things or people can be. The difference between you and your experiences are who you choose to be, despite everything that could have turned you cold and unkind.You are the good the world needs and the best of us.” ~ Kirsten Corley
  • CharlotteCharlotte Posts: 229 Trailblazer
    Glad your feeling a little better. Would you be able to go to hospital or the doctors so that they would be able to give you more advice and make sure your ok. Message me if you need to anytime.
  • SienaSiena Posts: 15,687 Skive's The Limit
    Thank you Charlotte.
    I know someone who knows someone who did what i did and after a few hours he got help but it was to late he was dying in the next few days,and there was nothing they could do. And ive basically convinced myself, with the help of Google, I've done a lot of damage and probably passed it. I don't know if im scared or happy. I'm either paranoid or right. But i still feel sick
    “And when they look at you, they won't see everything you've been through. They won't see the **** that turned to scars that began to fade with time. They won't see the heartbreaking things that shook up and changed your entire world. They won't know how many tears you cried or even what it was you were crying about. They won't see how strong you had to be because you had no other choice. What they will see though is how compassionate you are because you experienced pain. What they will see is how kind you are because you experienced how cruel the world is. What they will see is how good you are because you've seen how bad things or people can be. The difference between you and your experiences are who you choose to be, despite everything that could have turned you cold and unkind.You are the good the world needs and the best of us.” ~ Kirsten Corley
  • CharlotteCharlotte Posts: 229 Trailblazer
    shaunie, I think I know what might have happened but I might be wrong. I would really recommend checking in with a doctor as they will be able to give you more advice and may be able to help reverse the effects of what you have done. there are options out there and if you are still feeling sick then this might be the best plan. sometimes google can be wrong but the doctor is the only thing which might be able to help.
  • SienaSiena Posts: 15,687 Skive's The Limit
    I think im gunna ring 111
    “And when they look at you, they won't see everything you've been through. They won't see the **** that turned to scars that began to fade with time. They won't see the heartbreaking things that shook up and changed your entire world. They won't know how many tears you cried or even what it was you were crying about. They won't see how strong you had to be because you had no other choice. What they will see though is how compassionate you are because you experienced pain. What they will see is how kind you are because you experienced how cruel the world is. What they will see is how good you are because you've seen how bad things or people can be. The difference between you and your experiences are who you choose to be, despite everything that could have turned you cold and unkind.You are the good the world needs and the best of us.” ~ Kirsten Corley
  • CharlotteCharlotte Posts: 229 Trailblazer
    ok well done, you can do this stay strong here if you need me
  • SienaSiena Posts: 15,687 Skive's The Limit
    I couldnt bring myself to ring it. But my sisters were wanting to know why im so ill and I just admitted. Now they are taking me. I hate going to hospital for my mental health. They're so judgy:'(
    “And when they look at you, they won't see everything you've been through. They won't see the **** that turned to scars that began to fade with time. They won't see the heartbreaking things that shook up and changed your entire world. They won't know how many tears you cried or even what it was you were crying about. They won't see how strong you had to be because you had no other choice. What they will see though is how compassionate you are because you experienced pain. What they will see is how kind you are because you experienced how cruel the world is. What they will see is how good you are because you've seen how bad things or people can be. The difference between you and your experiences are who you choose to be, despite everything that could have turned you cold and unkind.You are the good the world needs and the best of us.” ~ Kirsten Corley
  • CharlotteCharlotte Posts: 229 Trailblazer
    Sorry to here you don't want to go and that they are judgy I have never been for mental health so I am unable to comment. Well done for reaching out and telling them even if you weren't able to phone. Well done
  • SienaSiena Posts: 15,687 Skive's The Limit
    I'm feeling a lot physically better now :)thank you
    “And when they look at you, they won't see everything you've been through. They won't see the **** that turned to scars that began to fade with time. They won't see the heartbreaking things that shook up and changed your entire world. They won't know how many tears you cried or even what it was you were crying about. They won't see how strong you had to be because you had no other choice. What they will see though is how compassionate you are because you experienced pain. What they will see is how kind you are because you experienced how cruel the world is. What they will see is how good you are because you've seen how bad things or people can be. The difference between you and your experiences are who you choose to be, despite everything that could have turned you cold and unkind.You are the good the world needs and the best of us.” ~ Kirsten Corley
  • CharlotteCharlotte Posts: 229 Trailblazer
    Glad your feeling better now.
  • SienaSiena Posts: 15,687 Skive's The Limit
    I managed to get out of going to hospital after convincing them it makes me feel worse just by the way they look at me
    “And when they look at you, they won't see everything you've been through. They won't see the **** that turned to scars that began to fade with time. They won't see the heartbreaking things that shook up and changed your entire world. They won't know how many tears you cried or even what it was you were crying about. They won't see how strong you had to be because you had no other choice. What they will see though is how compassionate you are because you experienced pain. What they will see is how kind you are because you experienced how cruel the world is. What they will see is how good you are because you've seen how bad things or people can be. The difference between you and your experiences are who you choose to be, despite everything that could have turned you cold and unkind.You are the good the world needs and the best of us.” ~ Kirsten Corley
  • CharlotteCharlotte Posts: 229 Trailblazer
    Ok, take care and look after yourself. If you start to feel ill again it might be a good idea but at the moment just stay strong you can get through this.
  • independent_independent_ Community Champion Posts: 9,052 Supreme Poster
    Shaunie, it sounds like you're having such a hard time right now. I really feel for you. You've been so brave to post this on here so well done for that. I'm glad you're feeling a bit better today. Take care of yourself x!
    “Sometimes the people around you won’t understand your journey. They don’t need to, it’s not for them.”
  • SienaSiena Posts: 15,687 Skive's The Limit
    Thank you Charlotte, Elle and Adian.
    Your lovely understanding kind words means a lot!:)X

    Ive also came to realise seeking help is actually a strength and is the hardest part.

    Ive just woke up feeling so ill again:( but im to scared to seek help for this. I ssuppose its good that is something I'm slightly regretting
    “And when they look at you, they won't see everything you've been through. They won't see the **** that turned to scars that began to fade with time. They won't see the heartbreaking things that shook up and changed your entire world. They won't know how many tears you cried or even what it was you were crying about. They won't see how strong you had to be because you had no other choice. What they will see though is how compassionate you are because you experienced pain. What they will see is how kind you are because you experienced how cruel the world is. What they will see is how good you are because you've seen how bad things or people can be. The difference between you and your experiences are who you choose to be, despite everything that could have turned you cold and unkind.You are the good the world needs and the best of us.” ~ Kirsten Corley
  • CharlotteCharlotte Posts: 229 Trailblazer
    No problem shaunie. Asking for help is defiantly the hardest thing to do and the biggest step to make but once it's made it can be great. Take you time and stay strong you can fight and get through this.
  • SienaSiena Posts: 15,687 Skive's The Limit
    Fml. I thought I regreted it. Yet I've self harmed again. I domt even care the damage it's doing to me anymore. I still feel ill from the first time. I just feel like taking more and more. Yet I phsycially can't when I can feel it going down my throat. I couldn't care less if it kills me or if it doesn't. I just want it to decide for itself.
    Yet i know full well if i go hospital throwing up my lungs they wouldn't care about my mental health. I just feel like taking it without the alcohol so they stay in my system and damage me for good.
    I can't and don't want to try and carry on anymore
    “And when they look at you, they won't see everything you've been through. They won't see the **** that turned to scars that began to fade with time. They won't see the heartbreaking things that shook up and changed your entire world. They won't know how many tears you cried or even what it was you were crying about. They won't see how strong you had to be because you had no other choice. What they will see though is how compassionate you are because you experienced pain. What they will see is how kind you are because you experienced how cruel the world is. What they will see is how good you are because you've seen how bad things or people can be. The difference between you and your experiences are who you choose to be, despite everything that could have turned you cold and unkind.You are the good the world needs and the best of us.” ~ Kirsten Corley
  • CharlotteCharlotte Posts: 229 Trailblazer
    Sorry you are feeling this way at the moment. It might feel like it is never going to get better but try and trust me that it will get better even when it looks like it will only get worse. The hospital unfortunately would worry more about your physical health as they would want to make sure you were ok but they should also look at mental health.

    You are strong I would recommend reaching out for helping and going to the doctors or hospital tonight.

    You can do this I am here for you.
  • SienaSiena Posts: 15,687 Skive's The Limit
    I wouldn't bother wasting your time reading this. I just have no where else to say it. I just need to vent. Writing on paper to no one doesn't work.

    I dont belong here. I dont belong anywhere, I think that's the problem. I dont know why i am here. Im no use to anyone ane no one cares about me. Or why it's fair. Or why im burdening everyone with my problems. Why I'm in the way so much. Why im so emotionally challenged. Why i cant control my own emotions like any other normal 18 year old. Why am i so messed up, that i carry on abuse to myself. It's just in my head. I should be able to control how i feel. And get over it.

    I'm questioning life, why? im still young I should just go along with it. I'm questioning what happens after death, and the reason we are all here if we all die.

    I'm trying to justify suicide to myself to make it easier for myself. Like its a natural way to die. I get it can be from an illness but I just feel weak. I feel like I know what needs to be done, i just need peace for everyone to know that they really shouldnt be sad - that I wouldn't feel the pain..Why would they. I Would be happy.

    And maybe the natural survival instict that is in every one of us is what is the only reason im stil here. But i dont want to surive anymore.

    What is stopping me and why am i still here.
    “And when they look at you, they won't see everything you've been through. They won't see the **** that turned to scars that began to fade with time. They won't see the heartbreaking things that shook up and changed your entire world. They won't know how many tears you cried or even what it was you were crying about. They won't see how strong you had to be because you had no other choice. What they will see though is how compassionate you are because you experienced pain. What they will see is how kind you are because you experienced how cruel the world is. What they will see is how good you are because you've seen how bad things or people can be. The difference between you and your experiences are who you choose to be, despite everything that could have turned you cold and unkind.You are the good the world needs and the best of us.” ~ Kirsten Corley
  • CharlotteCharlotte Posts: 229 Trailblazer
    Shaunie,

    I care about you, you are amaing and the reason you are still her is because you deserve to be. Your not a burden at all.

    It dose get better even though it doesn't look like it will. It might take time and it may feel like you don't have time but you can push through this.

    Stay strong you can do this
  • SienaSiena Posts: 15,687 Skive's The Limit
    Thank you Charlotte that means a lot. But i feel like its more then that people dont care. And they don't care about me that much they wish I was dead.

    My family could know i self harm and know full well how dangerous it can be. Yet pretend they care but not to much. Services use to ask me every time I went if I harmed myself in the last week. If i answer yes i would have a blood test the same or next day or would be sent to hospital. I now willing admit it. They do nothing. Everyone's just waiting for me to die. So why am I still here. It could kill me in the next few days but because It hasn't before it worth the risk.

    Maybe if im not here i wouldnt be so much time and hassle for everyone

    I feel like the whole world is against me. And I'm trying to hard. But I don't even know anymore. Everything is scaring me so much. And feel like im feeling, seeing and hearing everything as twice as much as I should. Everything seems be going so fast and all i can do is just watch and go twice as slow. I know how messed up that may sound and make no sense to anyone but it's horrible
    “And when they look at you, they won't see everything you've been through. They won't see the **** that turned to scars that began to fade with time. They won't see the heartbreaking things that shook up and changed your entire world. They won't know how many tears you cried or even what it was you were crying about. They won't see how strong you had to be because you had no other choice. What they will see though is how compassionate you are because you experienced pain. What they will see is how kind you are because you experienced how cruel the world is. What they will see is how good you are because you've seen how bad things or people can be. The difference between you and your experiences are who you choose to be, despite everything that could have turned you cold and unkind.You are the good the world needs and the best of us.” ~ Kirsten Corley
  • CharlotteCharlotte Posts: 229 Trailblazer
    It's ok shaunie. We don't want you dead at all and we do care. I promise you. We want you to be safe.

    Sorry about your family, are you able to talk to them about the way you feel they are acting towards your self harm. Sorry that the hospital don't do anything. Have you tired going to a doctor and talking it through with them?

    We don't want you to die and don't want it to kill you at all, your strong and can get through this you just need a bit more support. Your not a hassle for anyone at all.

    Sorry you feel the whole world is against you we here are with you and want to keep you safe. I understand, I believe you can get through this and you can get better.
  • SienaSiena Posts: 15,687 Skive's The Limit
    Thank you.
    I'm feeling much better now after going for a walk for a bit by myself:)
    “And when they look at you, they won't see everything you've been through. They won't see the **** that turned to scars that began to fade with time. They won't see the heartbreaking things that shook up and changed your entire world. They won't know how many tears you cried or even what it was you were crying about. They won't see how strong you had to be because you had no other choice. What they will see though is how compassionate you are because you experienced pain. What they will see is how kind you are because you experienced how cruel the world is. What they will see is how good you are because you've seen how bad things or people can be. The difference between you and your experiences are who you choose to be, despite everything that could have turned you cold and unkind.You are the good the world needs and the best of us.” ~ Kirsten Corley
  • CharlotteCharlotte Posts: 229 Trailblazer
    That's good glad your feeling better
  • SienaSiena Posts: 15,687 Skive's The Limit
    In case it's triggering don't read if you don't want to be triggered.

    I'm so angry and i hardly ever feel anger. I don't know what's wrong with me but I fucking hate myself. I just feel like self harming again. Why am such a fucking psycho and unstable. I deserve all of this. I ruin everything and everyone. I feel so so low. I just keep crying. I want to stop crying and this all to end:'(
    “And when they look at you, they won't see everything you've been through. They won't see the **** that turned to scars that began to fade with time. They won't see the heartbreaking things that shook up and changed your entire world. They won't know how many tears you cried or even what it was you were crying about. They won't see how strong you had to be because you had no other choice. What they will see though is how compassionate you are because you experienced pain. What they will see is how kind you are because you experienced how cruel the world is. What they will see is how good you are because you've seen how bad things or people can be. The difference between you and your experiences are who you choose to be, despite everything that could have turned you cold and unkind.You are the good the world needs and the best of us.” ~ Kirsten Corley
  • CharlotteCharlotte Posts: 229 Trailblazer
    Are you able to release your angry sometime punching a pillow can really help. I don't hate you and sorry I can't answer why you might hate yourself but you are strong and you can do this.

    You don't need to self harm tonight, we can do this and we can get through this will get better, you need someone to push you through and I will do that. Your not a psycho at all or unstable. You just need a bit of extra support.

    You haven't ruined anything nothing is your fault try and believe me.
  • SienaSiena Posts: 15,687 Skive's The Limit
    Thank you Adian and Charlotte.
    I got help and somehow I woke up in hospital.
    Im messed up :(
    I dont know what to do anymore. I don't want to live my life. I can't be bothered anymore.
    “And when they look at you, they won't see everything you've been through. They won't see the **** that turned to scars that began to fade with time. They won't see the heartbreaking things that shook up and changed your entire world. They won't know how many tears you cried or even what it was you were crying about. They won't see how strong you had to be because you had no other choice. What they will see though is how compassionate you are because you experienced pain. What they will see is how kind you are because you experienced how cruel the world is. What they will see is how good you are because you've seen how bad things or people can be. The difference between you and your experiences are who you choose to be, despite everything that could have turned you cold and unkind.You are the good the world needs and the best of us.” ~ Kirsten Corley
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