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problem with parents.

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  • MikeMike Posts: 1,713 Staff Moderator
    Hey evie,

    Welcome to the community. :wave:

    It sucks to hear that you were never particularly close to your parents. Growing up through everything you've talked about must be isolating enough, let alone when people at home don't seem to acknowledge anything that's happening. :( It's nice that you and your sister have been talking things through together, though.

    It might be good to have a bit of a think about what you want the outcome to be, here. If you were to speak to your parents (assuming you found a good way to do it), what would you want to achieve? The advice people give would probably change quite a lot depending on what that is - so whether you want to reconcile with them and build more of a bond, part ways completely, etc. We can never fully predict how people will respond to things, so there's probably always going to be a bit of uncertainly and that's okay.

    Writing things down can be really helpful for some; being able to say what you want to say without having the emotions and anxiety of talking to them face-to-face getting in the way. It also lets you change it and read over it beforehand to make sure you're happy with what you're going to tell them. You could either give/send it to them or use it as a script if you were to talk to them over the phone or something. Just an idea of course, these things don't work for everybody. :)

    If you don't mind me asking, is there a reason for not so good relationship with your parents, or is it more just how things turned out?
    just because you're not doing something perfectly, doesn't mean you're not doing it
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,328 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Do your parents not care about anyone? Or do they care about some people, just not their own children?
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  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,328 The Mix Honorary Guru
    It's not stupid; it's a genuine and relevant question. I'm trying to understand the situation, so that I can try to advise you. You said that your parents don't care about you or your sister, so in order to work things out I need to know if there are any people whom they care about.
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  • MaisyMaisy CymruPosts: 212 The Mix convert
    Hey there,

    ​I'm sorry to hear that you and your sister feel your parents don't care and overall, you don't have a relationship with them. It sounds like you've been through a lot and really needed their support and guidance. Even though everyone deserves parents who care, sometimes, it's not that simple.

    ​It sounds like your mum was disconnected, detached and not attuned to your needs. You needed her support and reassurance when your friend got hit by the car, but got told to 'get over it'. Unfortunately, some people just don't seem to understand how things can impact you and this may be especially true if they are wrapped up in their own problems. I know exactly the feeling of just wanting a hug and not being able to get that. But just like some people may not realise how situations can affect you emotionally, they may also not know what to do in those situations e.g. comforting, hugging either. This can come across as distant, cold and unloving. Of course, I don't know if this is true for your parents, but it's one way of looking at it (though it doesn't excuse the pain and all that you have been through either....you have every right to feel that way).

    ​I'm glad that you had youth workers who care about you, and you spent time with them. Even though no-one can replace your parents, it's good to have other people that you can look up to and have them care about you too (for me, it was a teacher :p) I'm also glad to hear that you had counselling. But please don't blame yourself for not realising sooner that it was the lack of care and support from your parents that is really affecting you. I know that it takes a lot of reflection, time and work to realise these things. Especially with parents. We are so often in a society that praises parents and the effort that goes into parenting that we may feel 'ungrateful' for speaking out or realising that it's not the case for us. It may also seem easier to blame yourself rather than your parents, especially if you are told to 'get over it' often. The main thing is, you have realised it.

    ​The next step is to figure out what to do next. I agree with Mike that it's good to think about what you would like to achieve. I know that you would like to get some sort of explanation, perhaps even an apology, for why your parents never seemed to notice or care. I think if you have this conversation, try not to blame your parents. I know that's easier said than done, but chances are blame will only cause arguments or for your mum to just shut down. Try using 'I' statements instead like 'I feel that I was alone in dealing with things' or ' I feel I can't talk about things with you'.

    ​I'm also wondering whether you are able to access counselling again? I think that given you are dealing with a lot of emotions and your mum hasn't been there to support you, taking the next step may be good if you can talk about it with a counsellor. Would you want to try to have a relationship with your mum? Family therapy is also another option, and it can work with just you talking to a counsellor e.g. a counsellor may suggest that your task could be to ask or hug your mum the next time you feel upset. It's kind of like 're-parenting' the parent so that they learn to comfort you.

    ​When your dad is around, do you get to spend time with him? Or do you feel that he is just as uninvolved as your mum?

    ​Otherwise, some people find that time and distance can help the relationship. It is possible to heal from the lack of care from your mum, and you may want to look into self-help books to process the emotions. Remember that you still have your sister and I'm sure you can help each other through this.
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  • MaisyMaisy CymruPosts: 212 The Mix convert
    Ah, hope you won't be waiting much longer for counselling then.

    ​That's fair enough. Even though he is your dad, you definitely don't have to put up with his physically and verbally abusive behaviour. I think it's really common to have anger and other difficult behaviours when coming from an abusive and neglectful family. But unlike your parents, it sounds like you are aware of your behaviour and can make changes.

    ​It's totally understandable with everything that has happened between you and your parents to not want a relationship with them. Whether you get answers or not, I think it's definitely a good plan to put some distance between you and your family and focus on yourself and your life :)
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