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Counselling
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Sex really isn't all it's hyped up to be, you know. Especially your first time. After mine I had a very "so that's it" sort of reaction, like I'm pretty sure most people do.
You do realize though that this is not normal and healthy? If a desire of whatever kind starts to dictate your life in a debilitating way. Have you considered my point that - similar to nymphomaniacs - the solution is not in getting what drives them (sex), because their obsession is actually not getting quenched by having sex, but finding the causing issues. I realize that you do not want to prevent yourself from wanting sex, neither does the nympho, until he realizes that sex doesn't bring satisfaction and that there is no way around it to learning how to control the desire?
You are getting tremendous advice here man. I agree with almost everyone here, especially with Arctic Roll. I think it's time you have a come-to-jesus moment and start seeing your issue as a mental shortcoming that needs working through and not a physical shortcoming that needs sex.
This is like you see in the corny American movies all the time. Guys basing their whole lives around getting laid. Then they do it, and like Mike says, it doesn't bring that huge boost to their ego - they just go mih, okay and move on.
Real life isn't like the movies, and I can't help but feel you have built it up so much in your head that actually, you'll be disappointed.
Listen to StrubbS. He speaks the truth.
Not everyone feels that way. The first time I used my artificial vagina was a big improvement on using my hand, so I'm certain that a real one will be better still. I have very powerful orgasms. My sexuality is central to my identity. If most people were disappointed with sex when they have it, they wouldn't do it again. Most people have sex hundreds, if not thousands, of times. Therefore they must really enjoy it. Most men spend thousands of pounds getting sex; if it were mediocre, they wouldn't do so. There'd be no aftershave, no dating websites, no nightclubs, no prostitutes etc., because there'd be no-one willing to pay for such things.
The thing is, every virgin thinks that way. As did I. then it happened and it felt merely like a tick on a to-do list. That doesn't mean it was boring, it was wonderful, but it is something for the moment, it does not make a lasting improvement on your situation. Sex is a bit like eating, except you don't need it primarily to survive. It seems like the best thing ever when you are starved of it, once you are full it's so meh. Like eating it is amazing in the moment, but doesn't leave a lasting improvement. It will not solve your problems. I have met many people who tied their self-worth on having sex and none who were suddenly balanced and satisfied with themselves once they started having it.
It is time to admit that your unhealthy view about human sexuality is what's really holding you back.
Holding me back from what? Getting sex? Being happy?
So why did you do it again, and again, and again ..........................?
It's normal to want, need and have sex frequently. I'll never acquiesce to having a sexless life. I'll continue to pursue my quest to have a full sex life. I'm not under an obligation to be celibate. If I see a counsellor, I will raise the topic during every session.
I'm not saying it wasn't good. I'm saying it wasn't all it's made out to be. I felt a lot of pressure to lose my virginity when I was younger, and honestly afterwards I couldn't understand why. It's not the be all and end all of life. It's nice to have, yes, but not a necessity. I was with a partner and we had sex when we saw each other, but right now I'm not gagging for it or climbing the walls in desperation to get it. If you need it THAT badly in your life, then it's akin to an addiction of sorts.
You have two choices, and it is up to you which one you want to take.
You can carry on as you are, determined that your attitudes are perfectly normal and it is everyone else who is wrong. You can carry on believing that a land of sex twice a day is just over the next hill, just as soon as you learn the magic words.
Or you can actually listen to what people are telling you and take it on board. You can learn that sex is important and very enjoyable but it doesn't exist in a vacuum; it is a part of a wider relationship.
You're not getting laid with your current attitudes, so maybe you should try something else.
Your choice.
I won't accept any counsellor telling me to not think about or want sex.
Not if it's casual sex, one-night stands, fuck buddies etc. - they're sex without the 'wider relationship'. They're all the good stuff without the arduous trek, cost and complications. All the joy without any of the baggage. Cutting to the chase. That's what I want. I don't want a 'wider relationship', I don't want to be anyone's 'other half' - I want a sex life. I want a counsellor to help me gain it.
No they're not. Even a one-night stand involves a relationship between two people, even if it's just for a few hours.
And until you learn this, you won't be getting laid at all.
Your choice matey.
C) One again, you've missed the point of what people are saying here. As Arctic said, even a one night stand involves a relationship between two people for a short amount of time. The ONLY place you will find what you're describing is a prostitute. Until you accept that people (no matter how sex-driven) have feelings that need to be satisfied as well, you aren't getting anywhere.
It involves treating people like people. It's really quite outstandingly simple, although it requires work: there is no magic word that causes knickers to fall.
Up to you whether you want to listen, isn't it? You clearly don't want to right now. Maybe one day you will.
In the thread Approaching girls, Mist told me to put the idea of sex out of my mind when I approach new girls. That's impossible; the sole reason for me approaching them is because I want to have sex with them. If I didn't want to have sex with them, I wouldn't approach them. It's impossible for me not to think about sex when I'm in close proximity to a girl whom I want to have sex with.
But why would people who are not much into sex choose to comment on a sex-centred thread on a Sex and Relationships forum of a sex-positive website? What would be the attraction for them? Yes, it is sex-positive - if it weren't, it wouldn't have articles such as 'fuck buddies'. None of the articles oppose casual sex etc.
The 'relationship' aspect of a one-night stand consists of what? How is it established? It's not finding out each others' life stories and planning for the future.
The advice given so far is too vague for me to be able to put it into practice. I need to know which subjects of conversation are best to talk about with a new girl. 'Treating people like people' is something I've done many times; it didn't make me attractive or bring me any success.
What would be useful is telling me how you acquired many fuck buddies. There must be a lot more to it than merely 'treating them like people'. Where did you meet them? What were you wearing? What did you talk about to them when you first met them? How did you transition the non-sexual conversation into talking about sex, then move the situation into having sex? How did you get them to want to be your fuck buddies? Most girls want full relationships, not fuck buddies; you must have something special to offer them for them to have preferred to be your fuck buddies instead of being the girlfriends of anyone else. How did you tell them that you only wanted them as fuck buddies, not as girlfriends?
I can't imagine that a counsellor will tell me any of these things.
However, these boards are just a group of people who have no alignment with this message and as such we as members can advise/support you any way we see fit, which is perhaps why you feel confused.
The benefit of this is lots of people with various experiences come together to enable us to all learn something from one another, using their experiences as a basis.
The Site has a lot more parts to it than just the sex forum, with people brought here for a variety of reasons.
Nobody here has said you can't have a fuck buddy or whatever, what we have been highlighting is how you are currently behaving and thinking that may be getting in the way of getting this fuck buddy. This means your view of women, of sex being a transaction, your behaviour around women etc.
I know that the sex forum is only one part of this website, but it's still strange that people for whom frequent sex isn't important would be attracted to a thread about starting a sexual relationship on the Sex and Relationships section of a forum of a website which contains a strong sex-positive message. It's puzzling that such people don't go to other parts of the forum, or to forums on other sites about topics that interest them, instead of this one about sex, which they think is 'meh, what's all the fuss about? Sex is overrated'. It's also puzzling that the only person on this forum who thinks that sex is the best thing ever is a virgin! Why doesn't this forum attract hypersexuals and Casanovas?
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Several people have said/implied that I should get to know a girl well, go on several dates etc. before trying to turn it into something sexual. I've also been told that I have to do all the time-consuming, difficult, complicated, arduous, tedious relationship stuff and that I can't have a sex-only situation, which is what fuck buddies are.
I don't think sex should be a transaction, nor do I want it to be. I want lots of sex without buying presents or paying for drinks, dinners etc.
Why would being keen on sex and prioritising it, be a barrier to getting a fuck buddy? That's what everyone who wants a fuck buddy wants - sex only. They don't want to be wined and dined, 'be friends first', do non-sexual activities together etc. The point of fuck buddies is to meet up, shag, go home - then repeat that process many times without any extraneous stuff. What specifically about my attitude is a barrier to me getting a fuck buddy?
No-one has suggested how I might get a fuck buddy. Where do I go to find girls who want fuck buddies and how do I ask a girl to be my fuck buddy? The article entitled fuck buddies goes through the advantages and disadvantages of having a fuck buddy, but omits any mention of how to get a fuck buddy in the first place.
Because no-one is giving me any suggestions as to where I can find girls who want fuck buddies, nor what to say to them in order to start such a situation. Asking a girl to be my fuck buddy would very likely result in her slapping my face/throwing her drink over me etc.
The presence of the non-judgmental, sex-positive article fuck buddies on this website means that finding fuck buddies must be considered a valid topic here. Hence I've started a new thread, Getting fuck buddies.
I can't imagine a counsellor telling me how to get fuck buddies.
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