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Counselling
Former Member
Posts: 1,875,648 The Mix Honorary Guru
I need professional counselling/therapy/advice in regard to the absence of sex in my life, as well as a few other issues. It was suggested by Jo this morning that I start a thread on this topic, which is why I'm posting this in the Sex and Relationships section of this forum on this sex-positive site. I was advised by someone to ask my GP to refer me to an NHS counsellor. I did this; he told me that GPs no longer refer people for counselling and that prospective patients/clients need to phone the counselling service themselves. I phoned the number on the card that he gave me; the counsellor refused to take me as a client and told me that her decision is final. I'm very disappointed about this as I thought that it would be a constructive way forward for me. The reason given by her was that my problems need longer-term support than their service can offer. I have since seen my GP again and told him what the counsellor said. He said that there's nothing he or anyone else can do to change their decision.
I cannot afford to pay to have counselling privately. I do not personally know any counsellors.
My inability (so far) to find the help I'm seeking is very frustrating. Does anyone have any suggestions as to what I can do in regard to receiving professional help so that I can enjoy a sex life?
Jo said that some members found some of what I wrote on the other threads offensive. It is never my intention to be offensive to anyone; I merely want information in order to improve my life. I have never been able to talk or write in a tactful way. My family and neighbours have never cared about me and I do not have friends; I have no-one in real life to ask for advice from; that's why I'm asking for advice here.
I cannot afford to pay to have counselling privately. I do not personally know any counsellors.
My inability (so far) to find the help I'm seeking is very frustrating. Does anyone have any suggestions as to what I can do in regard to receiving professional help so that I can enjoy a sex life?
Jo said that some members found some of what I wrote on the other threads offensive. It is never my intention to be offensive to anyone; I merely want information in order to improve my life. I have never been able to talk or write in a tactful way. My family and neighbours have never cared about me and I do not have friends; I have no-one in real life to ask for advice from; that's why I'm asking for advice here.
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Comments
Please tell me about the relevant charities that you've mentioned. I'm not aware of any charities that give advice about how to get sex or how to be more attractive/appealing in order to improve the odds of getting sex. There should be charities which give that kind of information; I'll be very pleased if there are and I would love to find them.
Maybe getting some support around your reasons to be so obsessed with sex is the way forward.
I know why I'm obsessed with sex. It's because I have a very high sex drive, my penis is erect for two hours per day and I'm involuntarily celibate. Not having sex causes a massive void in my life.
No-one is condemning as abnormal the people who only want sex once a fortnight or once a month. Likewise, I shouldn't be condemned as abnormal for wanting sex every day.
I bet it's frustrating for you, but there is more to life than sex.
On that website it mentions speaking to your GP about your sex drive cos there may be underlying problems causing the high sex drive.
Counselling/therapy isn't meant to be easy, for the exact reason that you are exploring and talking about horrible and often traumatic things which have happened. That's the nature of it, as lovely as it is to have a cosy chat about last night's Eastenders, that isn't going to help. Initially it's likely that it will be counter-productive because you will get upset but the whole point of the process is knowing how to manage those feelings in a sensible, safe and rational way. Wanting to shove your dick into any vagina isn't any of those things.
I am by no means an expert but from what you are saying, I think you are looking to have sex to feel some kind of worth or purpose, which perhaps you didn't have as a child. Sleeping with 100 women isn't going to alter whatever has happened in your past and those feelings and emotions are only going to manifest in other, unhealthy, ways. You clearly know how it feels to be viewed as worthless or unimportant, from your childhood. Your attitude towards sex and women is no different. Those women who you will be using for purely sexual purposes don't feel any worth from it; because you are treating them like that.
I don't think you're going to find any charities which support your wishes of advice on how to "get sex". You don't just "get" sex. In a non-sociopathic society sex has a reason behind it, whether that be through a casual fuck buddy relationship or a 60 year marriage. From that statement I discount sexual abuse.
Having sex is not going to cure you. If anything, I would imagine it will make this given situation worse. It won't make you feel better, it won't give you any worth and it won't give you a purpose.
Sort out whatever has happened in your life, which has led to this. It will take time and it will be hard, but this domineering and condescending attitude you have of women sure isn't going to get you anywhere faster.
One of the reasons that I'm unhappy is that I'm involuntarily celibate - a problem that can only be solved by having sex.
My childhood, in which no-one cared about me, I was severely deprived and frequently victimised, is nothing to do with my high sex drive or my inability to get sex. Talking about my childhood causes me psychological anguish, so I rarely do so. When I have talked about it, I felt worse as a result, not better - it merely 'rubbed salt into the wound'.
Having sex will cure me of my virginity and sexual frustration. It won't make anything worse. It will make me feel much better, make me feel attractive and satisfied. It will give me the identity and purpose of being a sexually successful person getting what he wants out of life. That's massively better than being a miserable, frustrated virgin.
That is not of any help to me. That is advice about how to lower your sex drive. I want to satisfy my sex drive, not reduce or stop it. I don't want to resign myself to a sexless life - I want to enjoy a fulfilling polyamorous life.
Okay, sorry I was only trying to help.
Not knowing where you live, I can't really suggest any charities. Here (Plymouth) we have The Zone and Connexions (a national charity) for people under 25.
Given your issues with autism, I'd probably agree that counselling is not the most appropriate service for you. You should go back to your GP to discuss this; they may be able to refer you to something like an IAPT service, should one exist in your area.
The mention of childhood at counselling is for a number of reasons. Firstly, a knowledge of your childhood is needed to know whether you are actually autistic, as this is diagnosed based on your past. Secondly, I'd expect that your bizarre attitude to relationships and sex is something that has arisen out of your childhood, and you won't be able to fix your relationship issues without coming to terms with your childhood.
When I went to Relate, I did not know that I'm autistic, as I'd not been diagnosed then. I am, without doubt, autistic. When I was diagnosed, I asked if I was a marginal case and the psychologist told me that I easily meet the criteria. I've since read the diagnostic criteria, and I agree - I'm definitely autistic. I've since been told by other NHS staff, including doctors, that I'm autistic.
There's nothing bizarre about wanting daily, no-strings sex without wining and dining freeloaders - that's what millions of men want. My sexual desire is nothing to do with my childhood. I don't have any paraphilias. The sex I want: fellatio, cunnilingus and vaginal intercourse, are all very mainstream ('vanilla' as one girl who refused me said).
I fear we're going to go around in circles again. Your attitude towards women- that they are objects for you to fuck, and anyone who doesn't fuck you is a "freeloader"- is extremely problematic. This is something that you really ought to address, as chances are it stems from childhood issues that need resolving.
It doesn't stem from childhood, it stems from girls tricking me spending a lot of money (and time and effort) on them, by making me believe that I would be rewarded with sex with them if I did so. One of them specifically stated that she would soon have sex with me if I bought her things, yet I never got so much as a peck on the cheek. I only felt this way once I had been conned in this way, so it can't be anything to do with my childhood.
I think Arctic is right here - it is your attitude towards women which is the massive stumbling block here, and that must be addressed before you move forward. You could educate yourself - there are plenty of sites which you can find information about female objectification, or you could go back to the GP and say you want a second opinion and to speak to another counsellor/or someone who has training in working with people with autism.
You keep referring to that incident, which is very troubling.
The fact you were even having a conversation which resulted in the answer "buy me nice things and I'll fuck you" is a big concern. You were clearly already seeing sex as a transaction for you to have that conversation. You were clearly already objectifying women, seeing sex as a service to be purchased from them, for you to even have that sort of conversation with someone. Having a conversation which ends in "I'll sleep with you when you've bought me things" is not normal or healthy. Reducing it to the level of buying a car is only going to endear you to one of two groups: exploiters or prostitutes.
Your main issue is that you objectify women, and as long as you do that you will not find yourself in healthy relationships. You need to resolve this before you can start to have healthy interactions with women.
Another example would be (I read about that somewhere else) that rape victims sometimes develop a very high and aggressive sex drive with their partners, because they enjoy that feeling of being in control that they have with their SOs and did not have with their assailant.
I am not saying that you have any of these issues, but it is worth to finally start considering that the solution to your problem lies in fact not in finding the fountain of neverending sex, as it was with that nymphomaniac, but to find an underlying issue that causes this obsession. It could be a myriad of things, but if you have 2 hours a day to masturbate I reckon your day to day life is pretty bleak. In summer time I use to fap a lot less because I am just out and about much more and generally find more time consuming and fulfilling things to do (i.e. wanking is something you often do if there is nothing else to do). There could be dozens of other reasons though, which would be worth finding out about, because lets face it, your desire to have sex that much makes you absolutely miserable.
I like sex too, it's amazing, with my last SO we often had sex multiple times a day, many times in a row, but at the moment I am not getting any and it's not making me miserable. In general though, if you want something so badly that it causes your quality of life to drop then I think the most sensible solutions lie in the analysis of where that desire comes from and trying to counteract (addiction to drugs, obsession with making as much money as possible, ...)
She fleeced me of most of my savings. Consequently, I'm still resentful towards her, and I still hate myself for being so gullible, naive and trusting that I didn't see from day one that she was a scammer. It took me months to realise that she was conning me; when I finally saw that she was stringing me along and removed her from my life, she admitted that's what she was doing all along and that she decided from day one that she'd never have sex with me. She told me I was a mug for not realising that sooner and she laughed in my face. She also told me that I'll die a virgin.
It won't happen to me again.
That happens with a significant minority of rape victims. Many others (especially those who were virgins and/or very young at the time) suffer PTSD and are repulsed by sex as a result, and are celibate for years/the rest of their lives because of it. None of that applies to me, and I'm not sexually dominant. I would prefer it if gorgeous girls approached me, flirted with me, chatted me up and seduced me. I realise that it's unlikely ever to happen, because most girls won't make sexual moves on a stranger, even if he looks like Brad Pitt. I've always thought that the unwritten prohibition against girls making the first move is ridiculous and I've long preferred tarty, seductive girls.
Where have you gotten this information from? You seem to be so sure of all the 'facts' you come out with without really considering that someone else here might be correct. What StrubbleS said was perfectly valid, and probably more common than you realise.
Look I am no psychologist, but I could make myself believe that the reason you want sex so much is because you think you think it gives you worth. You have been exploited and belittled in your conquest for sex and went to lengths where others would have said "fuck that". You tie your self-esteem to the ability to have sex.
"It won't happen to me again." tells me that this girl did damaged you in a sense that you now feel that any pence or any effort you have to put into finding a suitable partner is a waste. Look I don't like being exploited either. If I get the feeling the girl I've been talking to exploits me materialistically I am out immediately. It's not a money problem, I am liquid, it's a dignity problem. I don't buy sex. I cannot enjoy it that way. I want sex with someone, because the other person wants to have sex with me. Yet I have no problem spending time, effort and money in doing interesting activities with a prospective partner.
Now more than ever am I sure that you would not be satisfied once you get sex. This is about trying to become accepted as a human being. That you are recognized as worthwhile. Sex will never give a person worth.
It is irrelevant how high the percentage of the rape victims that show this behavior is, the fact of the matter is, that underlying, pathological issues can cause a through-the-roof sex drive and given your situation of being exploited and undesired makes me think that you try to find value in being sexually successful. Point is, for neither of those high sex drives due to underlying issues is the solution to get as much sex as possible, it is finding the root that causes the obsession and working through it.
You keep taking out small parts of posts that are in itself not important (it is not my point that many or few rape victims show this behavior) and seem to ignore the rest, because it is not what you want to hear. I think it is time to accept that the solution to your problem is not an easy one and not through the path that you'd like to go.
I don't masturbate for two hours a day due to boredom or hedonism. I do so because I have to, year-round. I'm forced to make time for it every day. I frequently have to stop what I'm doing in order to masturbate. When I was at college, I had to wank between lessons; at work I had to take 'wank breaks'. Doing other things to take my mind off it doesn't work; I think about sex more often than anything else. I have to put my penis first; ignoring an erection isn't an option - the feeling of having an unwanked cock is unbearable for me.
It's not my desire to have sex that makes me miserable - it's not getting sex that makes me miserable. I'm trying to get sex; I don't want to prevent myself from wanting sex.
I clearly agreed with that point of his. A minority of rape victims become promiscuous/hypersexual/sexually dominant as a result. I merely added that there is also a minority of cases in which the victim stops having sex as the result of being raped.
I was gullible and trusted her. I was naive in believing that it was a good investment - spend time, money and effort on her and reap the sex rewards. If I'd had other offers, I wouldn't have continued with her for so long. Your implication is that me being conned by her was the cause of my hypersexuality. That can't be true; I was hypersexual before I met her.
It's usual for a man's self-esteem to be partly based on his sex life. Adult male virgins are hated, taunted and ridiculed; they're considered to be worthless losers. There's no culture anywhere in the world that values male virginity. Many women's dating website profiles state what they don't want as well as what they do want. Some of them prominently put NO VIRGINS on their profiles. On one website it asks members if they want someone who is very sexually experienced, moderately experienced, slightly experienced or a virgin. Every one of the hundreds of female profiles on that site which I've seen answer that question say that they want someone very or moderately experienced. Most women hate adult male virgins. I read an article written by a girl who had a one-night stand with a lad she met through a popular phone app. They only met once. He texted her a week later, telling her that he was a virgin until he had sex with her; she said that reading that text made her feel physically sick. She said that she'd never have agreed to meet him if she'd know that he was a virgin. She said that she finds adult male virgins repulsive.
I seem to remember that some Autistic people say that counselling doesn't work for them. (it hasn't worked for me)
Miss Riot has given you some good advice re: the therapy and sorting your issues / attitude with women.
No, we're saying that your unrealistic and unhealthy attitude to sex and relationships is largely why you were conned by that woman.
Through tying your self esteem to your sex life, and judging your value as a person based on sex, you make yourself vulnerable to that sort of person. You were prepared to tolerate things that other people would not tolerate, precisely because you tie your self esteem to sex. You were prepared to take her shit because "you had no other offers". I also get the distinct impression you associate sex with affection, to the extent of seeing sex as the only way of receiving affection.
That's not to blame you for what happened- that woman is obviously a horrible person and it's sad it has scarred you so much. But if you objectify people, and see sex as the only marker of self-esteem and affection, then you are going to continue to have unhealthy and unhelpful interactions with women.
If it happens, I'm certain it will make me feel much better about myself - it will be a relief and a release. If you've had sex with a virgin you'll know that it made him feel better. It will give me a big boost - physically and psychologically, especially if it becomes frequent. I'll be successful at something worthwhile.