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wanting to harm again

Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
Well it's been awhile since I've posted on here and things had been alright until recently; I've suddenly gone into a downer and got the urge to harm again despite not doing so the past few years.

I've got shed loads of pent up frustration from a number of things, mainly I've been struggling with my memory, sleep and a 8 month old groin tear (keep forgetting to see docs about it) which has been stopping/limiting my physical activity and motorcycling

I'm sitting here feeling so conflicted and guessing I need a little support to help me push the feelings aside for the night

Thanks
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Comments

  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    We'll done for posting

    Have u tryed putting a reminder on ur phone so u won't forget, putting things on the wall too.

    Have u told anyone about the self-harming again.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Hi Angel,

    at work I use Outlook reminders (not allowed my phone in the office), a diary, post it notes.
    I'm guessing the memory thing comes from being knocked out good and proper during a rugby match back ababout 2012. I don't remember the clash etc except from coming to in an ambulance /hospital.
    Since then I've struggled on the memory front, from missing appointments, what date/day it is, what year and remembering past events (like being at key meetings etc).

    I haven't told anyone about the harming or the feelings too. Even previously I didn't talk family etc only posted here.

    K
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    I couldn't stop myself, it had to be done.
  • *BananaMonkey**BananaMonkey* Lyrical Poster Posts: 5,428 Part of The Furniture
    Hey K Dwagg,

    Just thought id check to see how your feeling now?

    Keep us posted. We are here for you

    Sent from my GT-I9505 using Tapatalk
    " And everywhere I am, there you'll be, your love made me make it through, oh I owe so much to you "
    " So I say thank you for the music, the songs I'm singing, thanks for all the joy they're bringing, who can live without it, I ask in all honestly what would life be? Without a song or a dance, what are we? So I say thank you for the music, for giving it to me "
    '' It's a beautiful day and I can't stop myself from smiling "
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Hey there K-Dwagg :wave:

    I'm sorry to hear about your injuries - my brother hurt himself really bad playing rugby a while back - think it was his shoulder. Such a tough game, isn't it? I just wondered if you had chatted to your GP about your memory problems? They might be able to help refer you on to support services that can help you manage the problem.

    Using a diary can be really helpful and its great to see that you are making use of that to help with remembering events, meetings. As Banana Monkey says you can use the diary feature on your phone to help you with personal stuff - like seeing friends, appointments etc. There's also this app called incubate - which lets you send texts up to 25yrs in the future - which could be really useful for you: http://fox59.com/2015/03/26/app-lets-you-send-your-texts-25-years-into-the-future/

    In terms of having self-harming thoughts - have you considered talking to someone about this? Have you been having these thoughts recently or have they been bothering you for a while? You can always talk to us on here, and there are some great distraction techniques - which im not sure if you have seen, but you might want to have a read through, when you feel like you are getting the urge to hurt yourself. its a brave step talking to a GP about this, so perhaps you could speak to someone you trust like a close friend or family member? If you dont feel up to it, but still want to talk to someone who really understands, then you might want to think about speaking to childline or the samaritans, who can offer you support and advice with coping with your feelings.

    Keep posting and let us know how you are doing though, we're thinking of you :yes:
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    At the moment I'm ok I guess, just sore from the head punching; no doubt that will change later.
    I've been thinking about self harm the past few weeks and the distraction techniques only worked up to certain point.

    I can't talk to family or friends about this stuff. I tried ringing samaritans but I was to petrified and hung up before any one could answer.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Hey K-Dwagg,

    Good to see you posting here. I'm glad you have this place to be open about what's going on for you at the moment. Just to let you know, I took out the more specific mention of the method of harm as we have to be a bit careful about triggering others that might be struggling too. We have some really useful pointers for talking about self harm in a safe way now here which might be worth a gander.

    You say you called but hung up because you were scared, can you tell us what you were afraid of?

    Remember that you'll get through to a trained listener, they won't judge, they'll just listen and it's completely confidential. You could also try emailing them if that felt easier - [email protected]

    We're here to support you :yes:
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Apologies for the potential triggers.
    Been finding it helps a little to talk here.
    I'm scared to talk on the phone as it makes it more personal I guess and it makes me feel vulnerable physically talking about it. In a way I see it as a weakness to feel like this and in denial in way.
    Think I will email as I find it easier to describe my feelings in physical text than spoken words; as I do have difficulty understanding these emotions.

    I will let you know how I get on.
  • *BananaMonkey**BananaMonkey* Lyrical Poster Posts: 5,428 Part of The Furniture
    Samaritans also have a text number it's 07725 909090

    I often text and it just helps to have somebody listening and caring.

    Just another opition for you.

    Hope you are doing a little better today.

    Sent from my GT-I9505 using Tapatalk
    " And everywhere I am, there you'll be, your love made me make it through, oh I owe so much to you "
    " So I say thank you for the music, the songs I'm singing, thanks for all the joy they're bringing, who can live without it, I ask in all honestly what would life be? Without a song or a dance, what are we? So I say thank you for the music, for giving it to me "
    '' It's a beautiful day and I can't stop myself from smiling "
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Sent an email last night after some liquid courage.
    Was feeling alright this morning but now I just feel empty; going to ask a friend if I can go to theirs tonight so I can get some distraction with their four legged morale booster
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Well done you, four legged morale boosters are the best! Have a good time with your friend and I hope sending the email helped to let some of those feeling out *hug*
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Im sorry to hear about this. Can not be easy trying to get to sleep without the physical and mental pain being there. Could think about going to see the doctor now about not just the pain but about the self harming aswell? If u seem to forget a lot of the time then maybe using an app on ur phone to remind u of appointments u have or just a calendar might help.

    I know it might seem hard at first to talk to someone but Its not at all. They wont judge or tell u what to do if u didnt want. They may say about putting u on medication and seeing how that works or get u to see a counseller.

    Are u able to go out at all without using ur motobike? How u getting around? You not mentioned if ur not working at the moment. Are u currently working or not? Hopefully once u have gone to see the doctor then things get easier.

    Good Luck x
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Thanks jo.

    I have grown accustomed to limited sleep but you're right I'm mentally and physically drained.
    I was at the Dr's last week about my injury and memory. He did ask about stress etc but I just said I was fine. I couldn't muster the courage to talk about that side of things.
    I keep a diary of my appointments and going ons so I use it to recall conversations etc.
    I do work, I love my job as it's in a discipline I always wanted to do (mechanical engineering and design), it's great at distracting me so I often stay longer in the office and do extra. But it's also a small factor on why I don't want to talk to Dr's as to having anything on my medical files can affect me negatively professionally.

    I get to work with my bike, I just grit my teeth and bear it other than that I don't go out and about unless I really really have to.

    K x
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Had cuddles from my favourite man (a black lab called Nelson) tonight; it has improved my mood greatly and I'm hoping I will be able to get a few hours of quality sleep.
    I can foresee a good weekend; I'm delivering a training package to a bunch of teenagers and young adults in a discipline I love to a youth organisation that has helped me in difficult times in the past.
    I always find at the end of this particular course the good mood lasts for days as I get rewarded by brimming smiles from their sense of achievement and accomplishments.

    Positive vibes = positive mood :-)
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Im glad there have been actions u put in place for ur own independence needed. You mentioned keeping a diary of all ur appointments, seeing the doctor and asking for help regards to everything and still going to work and using bike.

    Sounds like things are looking up for u. I know the sleep is a big issue. I know ur getting support with this but is there anything u can do in the mean time? There are things u can do to try and help u sleep. Have u tried Mindfulness? This is a good way to try techniques including breathing, relaxing, keeping calm and postive. There are excersies u can do and strategies it not just being physical but mental. Theres tips and advice on helping u and think more realistic.

    Thats good to hear. Glad that despit everything u seem to enjoy ur job and u can still work. That can be long hours but is that the problem to why u have pain at the moment? That must be horrible for u. You can only get to work about.

    Im sorry to hear that. Atleast u got ur work and u said u are helping the youth organisation who helped u before. Well Done u! Made u smile with seeing people be happy as thats whats important right there. Improving peoples lives daily. Really to good to hear :)

    Yh I hope u can sleep well today. Try and relax and stay postive if u can as that will help alot. Thats all u need to do.

    Good Luck and im here if u wanna talk x
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Well the weekend went ok then soon as my event was over so was the good mood; so much so that I was meant to draft up reports on Monday and I haven't done and I didn't show up at work today, I haven't left my bedroom let alone the house. Forgot about my Dr's appt today, so missed that, but couldn't give a toss atm
    Annoying that my mood goes up and down like a frigging yoyo
  • JamesJames Posts: 1,706 Extreme Poster
    Hey K_Dwagg,

    Glad to hear the weekend went ok, though sorry that your mood has dropped so much since.

    It must be really frustrating that your mood changes so dramatically. I can imagine that it's annoying how those happy/positive moments can often precede slumps like that. Does it feel like you can't control/predict it?

    For some people, it can help finding something to look forward to. When we're focused on a positive feeling from the past (no matter how recent), it can often make us feel comparatively low now. But looking forward to something can switch our focus to something yet to come, which sometimes helps pick us up a little :)

    Can you think of any other strategies to help you take care of yourself?
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    James wrote: »
    Hey K_Dwagg,

    Glad to hear the weekend went ok, though sorry that your mood has dropped so much since.

    It must be really frustrating that your mood changes so dramatically. I can imagine that it's annoying how those happy/positive moments can often precede slumps like that. Does it feel like you can't control/predict it?

    For some people, it can help finding something to look forward to. When we're focused on a positive feeling from the past (no matter how recent), it can often make us feel comparatively low now. But looking forward to something can switch our focus to something yet to come, which sometimes helps pick us up a little :)

    Can you think of any other strategies to help you take care of yourself?

    Frustrating is an understatement and no I can't control or predict.

    I can be middle of a good time/mood thinking of future positivities and baam it can hit me like a lead brick out of no where.

    I had been positive as my local airfield said I can come along at weekends and do refueling/ground support; which I am excited about but despite this I still had the horrendous downer which lasted what felt like a life time only managing to start punching through it yesterday evening.

    I have managed to go to work taday; but I have been left exhausted and still trying to shrug off the reminants.

    As in strategies; I don't have a clue, I cook when I feel up to it, bake when I feel exceptional, I guess I can be less extreme on the exercise to help prevent injuries and do less stuff that put myself in dangerous situations (this will be difficult - I'm an adrenaline chaser and each time I get accustumed to the current level of risk the need for the risks increase/balance of life vs death outcomes intensifies just to get my adrenaline rush)
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Awww thats a shame! Dont blame urself for this as having really bad days like u are experiencing can happen and u know u have serious problem and work needs to understand that in order to help u and support through stressful times. Have u rang work? When did u last go in?

    Could u try doing some ur work from home? That might distract u for a little bit. Maybe make urself a hot drink with a biscuit? Then u could try and sleep with feeling more relaxed and less stressed. What do u think?

    Do u have anyone u can talk to in the mean time? Maybe the Mind Chairty or ur GP whenever u feel down? Also if do ring ur GP could u arrange an out of hours appointment with them? They can come to u then.

    Try and do it and see what they can do to help.

    Glad to hear ur ok :)
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Crazy Cat - I emailed work only to say I was taking impromptu leave for a couple of days, didn't say I didn't want to come in cause I was feeling 'blue'.

    I went into work today; but I was exhausted and I only was doing admin and catching up from when I was last in (last Thursday).
    I did have stuff to do working from home but I just couldn't get the motivation to do any of it.

    The only reason I went to work today, was that I was able to force myself out of the house last night; well only because I had to as I had no food in the house since Tuesday and I was feeling hungry. Also I changed my bed linen and had a long soak in the tub which meant I slept better last night than the past few weeks. Though I still woke up exhausted.

    still haven't gotten round to physically talking about anything; I was emailing samaritians but it made me think to much so I stopped. I'm in the middle of changing my GP (moved out of area for my old one so that can't offer the out of hours/home visits); but I wouldn't welcome home visits, the only other person to pass through my door is my mother and that was only because I had to let her in.

    Still trying to grow a set big enough to actually go talk to the GP; never know I may get there some day. At the moment I rather play chicken with traffic than go the Dr's lol
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Having another shitty time, memory took a bit of a turn which is just leaving me confused as hell, normally I can work out what day it is, the date, what month it is and the year. But today especially I've just been completely fucking it up big style, christ I even thought I was back in 2012.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Hi K -Dwagg, I'm proud of u that u managed to go to work in the end despite everything. I do think u did the right thing by taking a couple of days off but it's not ur fault u weren't well. I don't know wether u should mention it to ur boss in case it happens again?

    Sounds like ur slowly getting ur motivation back. You may not think so but I can see it. I know u would t of been able to get out of bed and have something what u need to do to get it done or having the motivation to do it. I think ur willing power is to get on and do it because if u tell urself for example this washing needs doing then u would have to get up and do it.

    I think having that motivation will help. It seems to be working so I would continue with that. You mentioned u had no food since Tuesday shows things need doing so u have to go and do it plus u cant go hungry. Your health is really important no matter what.

    That's really good to hear that u managed to sleep well. They say having a bath, hot drink, reading a book or listening to music etc can help u get to sleep better so it seems to of worked for u. Maybe u just need to take some time out and relax. The only way u would feel exhausted is having a lot on ur mind so its normal to wake up and feel tired.

    You made the first step by picking up the phone and maybe next time u can try and say hi. Either way u can contact smartians but aslong as u feel comfortable. I know it's hard talking to a stranger but I know some people dont like talking to anyone close to them. That u

    At least ur mum is coming round and checking to see if ur ok. You do my wanna be alone all the time so it's good that ur mum is coming round. I thought the out of hours visits would be good for u but as u said u only invite ur mum through the door. You could try going in the surgery and talking to someone. You said u need to change GPs.

    Try and be brave. You said u need to change GPs so maybe it's time u go and see them. Just be honest and say how u feel. They will support u if u need it. Do u see a counseller or?.

    Your last post about ur memory seems worrying. I do think going to the doctors when u next go and tell them about this problem ur having will work out the best way to try and help u. You seem to be forgetting everything and its not good when it comes work. It's good that u said last time u use a calendar on ur phone or app to put ur appointments down so u won t forget tabs a diary but sounds like this could be more serious. I can see how annoying it must be for u but u dont need go through it alone. That's why u feel the way u do.

    Please try and see the doctor x
  • Danny!Danny! mod Posts: 560 Incredible Poster
    Hi K-Dwagg, I just wanted to check in and see how you're doing?

    I hope things are feeling a bit better today..
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Hi Danny, I'm still here, I'm ok.
    Thanks for asking.

    Hi crazy cat, thanks for your concern, I'll think about going to Dr's, but right now I'm in no mood for thinking.

    Laters x
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Back in the mood for 'interaction' from fellow people again.
    Just realised how terribly short and blunt my last post sounds, I wasn't in a tremendously great place and just shut myself of... But I'm back for now, well in body anyway.

    I SH'D last week and at the time it felt like the release I needed, but now I'm trying to focus my energies else where.
    I have made a step in contacting my GP alas I didn't get through, forgot about the time of day and tried ringing when they had shut lol

    I might try again tomorrow
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    That's really good that you managed to see the doctor and told them about this.

    Are you on medication or recieving support? I'm not sure what you said about the doctor.

    Its good that you keep a record of appointments and other stuff in a diary. You could find using an calender or an app might help. What do you think?

    I see your job is a lot still. You get tired and stressed etc. You could try having a hot bath, reading a book, having a drink or watching a film help. These things you can do in your spare time time.

    I'm glad that the youth organisation is helping you. You seem to be doing good there and helping those people two.

    Remember we here if you wanna talk x
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    I have made a step in contacting my GP alas I didn't get through, forgot about the time of day and tried ringing when they had shut lol

    CrazyCat I think you may have misread.. ^

    K-Dwagg, good on you for contacting the GP and good to see you back posting again. Sorry to hear you missed the opening hours.

    It's a small but very important step. Even though the timing was off you have proved you have that courage in you so let us know how you get on a second time.

    I wonder what else you could do to 'focus your energies elsewhere'?
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Havent seen the GP yet due to ringing at the wrong time; but I did get through today and made an appointment for just over 2 weeks time (earliest they had for the MH doc).

    Haven't got a clue on how to start talking to the Dr or where to start. I've filled in a MH questionnaire thing which I think is pretty generic 'in the last two weeks how have you felt about...' type one; so hopefully that will be a starter for ten.
    I guess I'm scared about this in a way for the unknowns/uncontrolability of the situation. I'm scared I might just open up too much and not be able to control the associated emotions or just lock down and appear super aloaf.

    Phone apps are no good for me - not allowed mobile phones (well any technology with wifi/radio/signal capability other than our pre-installed approved office equipment) in my office due the Intellectual Proprietary rights and sensitivity of my work and even in my weekend freelance job/helping out I don't have my phone on me as it involves working with large volumes volatile fuels.

    So its good old fashioned pen and paper for me...at least the batteries don't die on them ;)

    In regards to spare time; I find less is more. I've lost interest in films, struggle with concentrating on books even if I am enjoying them and I prefer not drinking as I tend to say I'll only have one but end up 7+...makes the legalities of riding home a bugger.

    I have to keep busy, I'm lost and prone of over thinking/acting out on SH when I'm not.
    I'm focusing my energies else where by putting in extra hours (mainly unpaid over time) at the week/day job, requesting more slots/hours on the freelance and putting in extra at the Youth Orginsation.

    The freelance stuff is involved in my main hobby/sport so the money gained gets put back into the sport; which also turns out another method of focussing my energies, with the training, pushing the bounderies on my abilities and pushing the margins of safety to get that extra adrenaline rush. Currently working on getting the right experience level and endoresments so I can compete at national and international level and hopefully if I excel I can gain sponserships etc so I can turn this into full time rather than a hobby sport.

    I know some of you may think this unsustainable or a punishing regime (even my coach has asked me to slow down as he thinks I'm doing too much) but I perform better in both work and the sport like this. I have to keep busy, thats a definiate.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Hey K-dwagg :wave:

    Its good to see that you have scheduled an appointment, good on you for doing that. I just wanted to stop by and see how you were feeling?
    I guess I'm scared about this in a way for the unknowns/uncontrolability of the situation. I'm scared I might just open up too much and not be able to control the associated emotions or just lock down and appear super aloaf.

    It's tough not knowing what to expect from these things, especially if you have never been in the situation before. I know a couple of people who have gone into therapy and been really unsure about what to expect - and they said the same as you, that they were concerned the might open up too much, or not enough and not really get their feelings addressed properly. It might be a good shout to list down a few notes/bullet points that you want to bring up when you do go to your appointment - that way you can keep focused and make sure you are bringing up what you need to - give it a try, if you feel up to it, and see if it helps?

    Your hobbies and freelance work is admirable - I think it's truly outstanding that people do volunteer work - so you deserve a massive pat on the back for that. It's great to hear that you find books/films absorbing and a positive distraction. Keeping busy sounds like it helps you a lot - just be careful about pushing your 'safety margins' they are there for a reason, and listen to your body. Its great to challenge yourself and I applaud you for showing such commitment and loyalty to achieving goals you set yourself, but just be careful you don't burn out, it's important to be good to yourself as well as pushing yourself.

    Keep posting and let us know how things are with you :yes:
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Tamsinjo wrote: »
    It might be a good shout to list down a few notes/bullet points that you want to bring up when you do go to your appointment - that way you can keep focused and make sure you are bringing up what you need to - give it a try, if you feel up to it, and see if it helps:yes:

    Made a list, christ its a long one lol though I did have to put a non MH item on there as I had a high risk exposure to asbestos last week and only been informed about yesterday - bummer
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