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wanting to harm again

2

Comments

  • *BananaMonkey**BananaMonkey* Lyrical Poster Posts: 5,428 Part of The Furniture
    Hey K-Dwagg

    Just wanted to offer you some *hug*s

    All sounds troubling for you at the minute, we are here for you :heart:
    " And everywhere I am, there you'll be, your love made me make it through, oh I owe so much to you "
    " So I say thank you for the music, the songs I'm singing, thanks for all the joy they're bringing, who can live without it, I ask in all honestly what would life be? Without a song or a dance, what are we? So I say thank you for the music, for giving it to me "
    '' It's a beautiful day and I can't stop myself from smiling "
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Actually I don't give a shit at the moment, filled up an A4 page with bullet points in small writing
    I have no emotions right now I'm just numb to it
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    :banghead::banghead::banghead::banghead::banghead::banghead::banghead::banghead::banghead::banghead::banghead::banghead::banghead::banghead::banghead::banghead::banghead::banghead::banghead::banghead::banghead::banghead::banghead::banghead::banghead::banghead::banghead::banghead::banghead::banghead::banghead::banghead::banghead::banghead::banghead::banghead::banghead::banghead::banghead::banghead::banghead::banghead::banghead::banghead::banghead::banghead::banghead::banghead::banghead::banghead::banghead::banghead::banghead::banghead::banghead::banghead::banghead::banghead::banghead::banghead::banghead::banghead::banghead:

    I'm struggling to control myself don't know where the fuck this has come from all the sudden
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    IN fact I do know where this has come from - I looked at my historic posts/threads...stupid fucking me
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Don't know if I can hold out till the 14th.
    I don't remember much of last night but I must have SH 'd again... The evidence points towards that I did.

    But the pain feels good but I don't want to look to see what damage I've done. But going to have to.

    And no I didn't drink last night
  • *BananaMonkey**BananaMonkey* Lyrical Poster Posts: 5,428 Part of The Furniture
    Hey *hug*s

    Sorry to hear how much your struggling.

    Do take care of the injury and keep it clean, :heart:

    Sent from my GT-I9505 using Tapatalk
    " And everywhere I am, there you'll be, your love made me make it through, oh I owe so much to you "
    " So I say thank you for the music, the songs I'm singing, thanks for all the joy they're bringing, who can live without it, I ask in all honestly what would life be? Without a song or a dance, what are we? So I say thank you for the music, for giving it to me "
    '' It's a beautiful day and I can't stop myself from smiling "
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Why why has the struggle intensified?
    Previously the struggle was contained and manageable.
    No distraction works anymore

    I just don't know anymore; I can't bring myself self to leave the apartment.
    I don't want to be here anymore, but I don't want to die either, if only death was temporary.
    I want to get up but feel physically incapable
    I have no motivation, no feelings.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Hi K-Dwagg,

    It sounds like you had a really rough night and reading back on old posts triggered some intense feelings for you. Would it help if we deleted those old posts for you. If you let us know we could delete posts before a certain date for example? You can PM James or me and we can sort that out for you.

    How would you feel about calling the doctor to get an emergency appointment? You're unlikely to ever feel like doing this but sometimes we just have to force ourselves over that hump of resistance. It's hard I know.

    Don't forget that you can always call, text of email Papyrus too - they support young people in crisis and they are open 10am-10pm on weekdays. You could call them today if you needed to:https://www.papyrus-uk.org/help-advice/about-hopelineuk

    I have edited a few bits out of your previous post to keep the conversation safe for everyone. *hug*
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Hi Jo I think it was one of my poems in my poetry thread,but I can not pin point to which.
    I think I will keep them up, I need to keep them up if you know what I mean.

    Sorry about graphicness I not thinking clearly.

    I shall stay in bed then I can be no harm nor danger

    Maybe if I take some diclaxapam I can relax and that's if I have any
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Choo Choo I'm riding the pineapple express train and it derailing
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    @Jo7, sorry that I may have misinterpreted the bit before about that's good you went to see the doctor. I thought that's what happened.

    What do you mean by deleting some of the old posts? I haven't done anything wrong?

    Hi K-Dwagg, you ok?

    Remember were here for you. Your not on your own.

    That's good that you know when you feel that something may trigger to do something so you can act upon it by going to bed as you said.

    Do you think there's anything else what help you with having those thoughts?

    It's good that you are thinking about seeing the doctor and arranging another appointment. It maybe a good idea to write down how you feel on paper before you see them.

    I'm glad that work is going ok and your still doing your youth work which is really good to hear. You are helping a lot of people and showing commitment and hard work. Well Done :)

    As Helen said below, you do wanna have time for yourself aswell.

    CrazyCat x
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    I don't know if I can xope until the first gp appointment. I have written down stuff I've filled an A4 in small writing, it got to much for me, I had to stop.

    I haven't been able to go to work today or the youth organisation this week. Yesterday I might as well not gone to work, I got nothing done I don't remember anything about the day.

    I want it to end, I've gone down avenues I didn't think I'd ever go down.
    I've binged on herbal incense, it feels uerophic but the heart palpitations, I them to stop, I want my heart to stop
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    I know I need to look after myself but I just can't bring myself round to it. Legal highs,not eating or drinking in 40+hours, house work piled high, self harming, the goes on
    I'm stuck in a rut. I've spiralled, slowly gaining momentum and now I've hit the hard deck.
    It feels like there is no escape.
    Trapped until I end it for good
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Hi K-Dwagg, I'm sorry to hear that. I can see this must still be really hard for you.

    That's really good that you managed to write how you felt on paper even if you didn't get to far but that's still a big step. Maybe next time you could go in and make that appointment.

    Why couldn't you go into work or so the youth work yesterday? You may of just had a bad day so you shouldn't beat yourself too much. Could going back to work when you next can and talking to the manager about why you couldn't go in would be something what might help? It maybe worth a try. I dont think the youth organistation would not be hard on you because they know you are really helpful and supportive to them already and you don't have to do it but you do so that's another thing.

    I think maybe making that first step in your own time by going in and making a GP appointment might help. Would an out of hours appointment help? I'm not sure if that would or not

    You could find charties, support groups, one to one support, workshops or voluntary work as your doing might help you benefit more. I know you like to keep busy and your already doing voluntary work but maybe thinking about doing something like a chairry job which doesn't involve work but something you can be part of.

    What do you think?.

    Remember were here if you wanna talk.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    I'm just home from a&e after having a bad reaction to a legal high. My heart rate dropped to 41bpm, the ecg was haywire, I felt horrible, I vomited up blood, I didn't think it was going to end. The 4 mile walk home was sobering.
    I hurt a lot, I need sleep
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Omg! You ok? I'm worried now that this just happened to you.

    What do you mean a legal high? How did it happen?

    You have to be really careful next time because it may play havoc with other health problems. You dont want that and ending up in hospital is a sign.

    I know I'm maybe being a bit out spoken but I am really concered that it happened just now. Are you home safely? Why did you walk four hours? You should of arranged some form of transport.

    I'm glad your home now but dont let it happen again.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Legal high - a synthetic chemical compound used to mimic Street drugs. I bombed a pill that was meant to mimic speed/mdma. The reaction I had was the complete opposite to speed.

    I feel so fucking stupid and idiotic. I'm not for taking stims again.

    I was scared about being kept in so I managed to hide the self harm and didn't mention my state of mind, denying anything untoward.

    My GP rang me before the ambulance arrived, I couldn't speak to him, I was too busy retching/vomiting/groaning in agony.

    I feel so ashamed.

    It was a four mile walk which took just over an hour. I forgot my purse and I wasn't going to bother people at that time of night. I needed the walk any way
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    I feel so shit, haven't been able to bring myself to eat in 80 hours, I'm at a stage I despise food and drink adverts on TV. I've lost quite a bit of weight, just over a stone by last night, I don't know if I can convince myself to eat again. I haven't even had a single hunger pang
    I can't even bring myself round to have a normal cigarette, I have a couple of puffs and I give up.
    Btw Britain's got Talent is distracting me enough by watching Amanda Holding temper tantrums and the frozen let it go cover by the dude
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Urgh why why why can I not shake this.
    It's making me more and more agitated.
    I feel like a wild animal backed into a corner.
    I'm trying to fight but I can't see the end point, I know I have to, but I feel like I've hit several false summits too many
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Great aunt died this morning. I'm not even going to be able to go to the funeral, company compassionate leave doesn't stretch to distant relatives and it doesn't help that I'm not in the same country.
    I've hit a shitter
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    I made it into work today, I wish I didn't even bother.
    Some people I just want to punch in the face, with an iron fist, with 9 inch nails, covered in dart frog poison.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Hey K-Dwagg :wave:

    Im really, really sorry to hear about your great aunt passing away. I do feel for you being so far away from some of your family - it doesnt make things any easier, does it? Have you spoken to anyone about it? If you are feeling a bit overwhelmed, would you be able to speak to someone at your work, let them know how you are feeling, and see if you could take a couple of days off - or even a part of the day - or even leave a bit earlier? People can deal with this in different ways, I think some find it helpful to be somewhere like - at work, where they have plenty of distractions/things to get on with. Other people, and from what you said just now, in your last post, prefer to have some space away from others. Im in the same category too - everyone is different in how the react.

    I do think you should perhaps have a chat with someone at work and see if they can work something out for you - sometimes company policies only extend passionate leave to immediate family only, however I do think some businesses have discretionary leave and that can be granted under mitigating circumstances. If you don't get anywhere with that, you could think about perhaps taking a day's holiday leave, if you have any built up? :yes:

    I do hope you're ok. *hug* Ive been worried reading about your dramatic weight loss - could this be to do with taking a legal high? I think that something that speeds you up can have the effect of diminishing appetite quite a bit. It's good to see you are reaching out on here, so well done for that... can I ask if you have spoken to your GP again at all? Could be worth mentioning your mood and your eating patterns to them perhaps, if you havent yet done so?

    We all do things we regret from time to time, so don't give you yourself too much of a hard time - if you can come through and learn from it, then that's what counts. Try and look after yourself, though - we are all thinking of you - as Crazy Cat says, we're here for you :yes:
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Can't afford the flights to go anyway.
    I stopped eating 2 days before taking the highs. I was dragged out on Monday night and I had to eat with my 'mates' they wouldn't take no for an answer, I was in agony with stomach cramps and retching. I haven't eaten since then, still not hungry with no desire to eat.
    I'm going to the Dr's next Thursday. I'll find out what he says then, I'm going to look like a right chump with the a&e trip on my file.
    I know I said Im not for doing stims again... But I'm getting the urge to bomb them again. Unfortunate for me paramedics took what was lying around and the medical team wouldn't give me them back... Grrr
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    I think the medical I have to say would of done the right by taking those legal highs off you. I think they had the best intentions for you and none of us don't want to see like that again because we care too much.

    Its really good that you got an appointment to see your GP on Thursday. Do you think writing any questions down or saying to them how you feel on paper will help you?

    You can be prepared before then and practice before you go in and see them. You will be confident going in but its just being confident on what to say.

    I do think you have had a real shock with everything what's been going on which we can not get over the fact. That's why I was pleased that you made that appointment to see the GP and get in touch. I know things are hard at the moment, I know.

    I'm glad your still going into work and doing the youth work as well. I know you could of given that up completely but you haven't but wether you haven't been there in the last few days shows that you did deserve a break. Do you think speaking to the manager when your next I'm help to get things off your mind? Do you thinking writing a letter will help?

    I do think he needs to know for your own good. I know he may just wanna be there in case anything happens again etc. That might be something to think about. Also do you the the youth organisation can help you two? They do seem like really nice people.

    Its important that you try and keep your strength up no matter what. This doesn't have to be chore to do everyday you think it is but just eatting at your own time will show that your still keeping up your metabolism.

    Remember that breakfast is the most important meal of the day so wether you don't eat at any other time you got to make sure you have breakfast. Just a piece of toast, an apple or a you yoghurt will help.

    Please keep reaching out x
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Just couldn't help myself, I've bought more shit to bomb and smoke.
    I have eaten more since but I feel so fucking disgusted with myself. Food makes me feel filthy.
    Broke down in work twice now. Doing short days and even then I just sit there not achieving anything.
    Work colleagues talk to me and all I hear is white noise.
    I just feel empty inside. I'm just a shell of a person.
    I can't tell if life is worth fighting for any more.
    I go to bed at night hoping I will never wake up.

    Not long till I go to the Dr, have my stuff written down, doubt it will help though.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    When do you next see the doctor? Have you thought of any questions you would like to ask them?

    I do think it will be a lot easier for you this time to see the doctor knowing your more prepared and have things written down in case you get stuck. I know it's hard for you going there as it is but you made that first step and that's amazing.

    You should feel proud of yourself :)

    I know before you didn't eat but this time you are. Your starting to get that healthy balance again even though one minuite your eating very little and the next eating a lot but it's finding that balance whatever says. Have you thought about keeping a diary of this? You could think about talking to the doctor about it.

    Remember that your manager at work is there to listen and support you so anytime you feel like your under pressure or not coping you should speak to them. I think once you have spoken to him then your concentration may improve and your be able to socialise a bit more.

    Keep taking small steps.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    I hope that helps x
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Despite being petrified about the upcoming Dr appointment I'm also looking forward to it as my SH is getting out of control.

    I feel like jekyll and Hyde trying to resist the impulses to SH. The urges are getting stronger and more frequent.
    Jekyll has been winning today and the SH is getting worse in terms of intensity and ferociousity.

    Though the Hyde side of the fight did have a small win today with stopping me jumping into traffic.

    Thanks crazy cat for being here
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Hey K-Dwagg *hug*

    Really chuffed to see that the better side won and stopped you hurting yourself :yippe:

    I just wanted to stop by and say good luck with your appointment - you sound like you have got your stuff written down and ready to let them know what you're going through. I hope that seeing them brings you some relief. Talking to someone professional and unbiased really can help people. :yes:

    As Crazy Cat says, take each day at a time. I know its easy to see the hopeless side of things, it's an all too easy trap to fall into, and can be tricky to get out of. But we're thinking about you and I have to say that it's great to see you writing on here - it might be hard for you to see it that way, but it's a very positive thing to do.

    Good luck with the appointment - let us know how you get on with everything :yes: x
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Well I'm sat in the doctors waiting area and he's delayed at the moment. I'm getting cold feet about this. I feel like bolting for the door
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