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Comments
Hang in there. You deserve this support and it sounds like you really need it right now *hug*
I have the urges to harm again but I'm too exhausted to even think about it let alone pick up my 'tools of the trade'.
Can't be fucked with going into work even if it's only for 6 hours. I know people are just going to piss me off today, and I have a horrendous trait of being brutally honest, which doesn't bode well for today, I can feel it.
I'm not given any choice about going, I can't say I don't like nandos because they all know I do.
I don't want to eat, and I'll only get ridiculed for ordering the smallest thing, and I don't want work to realise I'm having issues with food.
I can tell they are already suspicious, but I can't tell them anything, not yet anyway.
Im glad that you went to see the doctor in the end. I hope it was helpful to know that theres some long term help. You should think about what you wanna do if its seeing a counsellor or just seeing the doctor. It's up to u.
I hope you slept well yesterday? I know things are on your mind but at least you went to see the doctor and get help.
What you doing today
Kept making stupid mistakes and I don't think I achieved anything positive today.
Got pissed off several times (I work for an engineering project and I have responsibility for several equipments and systems) I'm under quite a bit of pressure as some of my equipments are on the project critical path already with delays and just received news today that there's issues with the supplier so that means more delays and cost increases.
Told several people to piss off. Told a senior engineer he was a mumbling bumbling boofone and that he was only a spreadsheet engineer and to only bother me if he actually has anything to contribute to the table.
Needless to say my brutal honesty and my inability to hold back what I'm thinking created a few social grenades today, though boss man agreed with me about the Senior engineer lol
Got dragged to Nandos, thankfully nobody jibbed about me getting a salad or not for finishing it. Though the team leader kept looking at my half assed attempt to eat.
Already dreading Monday. I want to change posts but I'm locked in for another 15 months due to my contract, unless I can get a managed move. Don't get me wrong I love the project, I love my team and I love the engineering aspect (when there is any). But there's too much red tape, very little challenge or stimulus, not enough engineering and too much assurance policy writing etc
I get bored easily and it doesn't help this is all long term shit with very little quick flash to bang tasks.
I have 18 missed calls, several text messages and even more fb messages just from today!
Like seriously can't she just piss off for once in her life
I don't know how I'm feeling at the moment.
I don't want to be here anymore but I do want to be here in a way to.
I want to self harm like never before, but I don't want to go back into hospital.
I'm confused, I have tears rolling down my cheeks and I have no idea why. I've been laughing at funny things my line manager has been sending me via email today (haven't gone into work this week) but it just feels hollow/shallow.
I don't know what to do or think.
I just know I'm getting frustrated with myself and I don't know why.
Nothing is distracting me, I have no interest in anything.
In the last few posts you have talked quite a lot about things related to work - for example struggling to contain your brutal honesty and your fears about eating around colleagues. Well done for making it in and I'm glad to hear that the Nandos experience wasn't as bad as you thought it might be in the end.
I'd encourage you to create a new thread for support with your eating in particular if you'd like to. It sounds like there are a lot of thoughts and feelings there.
Work in general sounds like it's getting to you in terms of the red tape and the way that things are run but it's great to hear you say in fact how much you do enjoy the job itself: ^^ this is really positive!
The other big thing I can hear that's impacting on your emotions is your relationship with your mum. It sounds like you'd like some space from it? Again, if you want to explore that in more depth then you might find starting a thread in the Relationships forum useful or using our Ask a Relationships question service.
I also wanted to ask if you have made progress with the GP referral? You mentioned that they didn't give you much information about the place - Lift Psychology - perhaps just finding out more about the service could be a good first step? Have you been able to contact them?
Finally, give yourself a pat on the back for getting to that appointment, *hug*
In regards to lift psychology I originally miss understood what he said. It's not something he refers me to, I have to refer myself type thing. I have filled in the forms and submitted them last week via email... Too scared to ring.
I don't even know if it's the right thing for me as it appears to be a load of group lessons type stuff. But I'll see when I hear back as they would need to do an assessment to see what's best for me.
Wrt to mother I've told her before I need breathing space and that's she's too domineering, controlling, disrespects my privacy despite living 130 odd miles away but she just loses the temper and gets even worse. There is no winning with her
I feel like the walls are caving in and there's no escape.
Finally had some courage to tell my youth organisation boss I'm going to be assessed for PTSD. mainly because he kept pestering me about my black eye and swollen cheek. He bollocked me for not letting him know I was in hospital.
Haven't told him about the drugs, or the events that are causing me issues, or the self harming or my thoughts about ending things.
I don't feel any better about caving in to his pestering, the soft mitten gloves have come out already. I don't want to be treated any differently, but I guess he can't help it
Had one of the psychology practitioner at lift psychology ring me today to find out more about me and she doesn't think I'm stable enough for their service, so I'm not even going to get an assessment with them.
She is however going to chat to my MH Dr at my GP surgery about ways to get me 'stable' from other community support services or whatever.
On another note I'm fucking off this evening with my tent and motorbike again. I think I will go away for a week and try to clear my head. If not I'll just smoke lots of spice and fall asleep in field
How you feeling today? I hope things are slightly better for you.
Sorry about not getting back to you as there has been a lot going on with everything but it sounds like things are slowly improving.
That's really good to hear some of things you mentioned and the one what stood out was speaking to your youth worker about the physiology your reciveing. You have done well by telling them what's been going on. Well Done!
I see your still I'm contact with your doctor which is good. Only I know you said the physiology practitioner rang you today about the therapy your suppose to be recieving and that they think there service wont be right for you. Have you spoken to them why it won't be right for you? Also that your experiencing all the signs of mental health issues to get professional support?
I do think getting in contact with your doctor will be the best thing to do. They referred you to them so you should speak to him and say what they said.
You might find talking to your doctor again might help you and they will be able to put you forward in the right direction. Have you heard of The Crisis Team?? They maybe the ones who can help and support knowing your showing the signs of mental health issues so they can help or The Mental Health Team could be one.
What do you think??
I don't think you should worry about work and focus on yourself first. Maybe speaking to your manager and asking them to take some time off might help you get things in order.
You could say that your still work but from home and do that in your own time as you will feel better and you can have some spare time for you.
I think the youth organisation will understand and now you have told them then they will know your situation.
I hope this helps x
Crazy Cat x
She discussed this with my MH Dr and they both agreed I should try the engagement and harm reduction team of the DHI (development and health independence) charity first to reduce/stop my usage of legal highs and receive general counselling so I can become 'stable' enough to be considered for lift psychology.
I don't know if I can or want to stop the highs. I'm safer taking the highs, I'm certain I would have tried ending things properly by now if I haven't been taking the highs.
I don't see how they can help.
I see my MH Dr again on the 3rd. I haven't heard of the crisis team etc it might be something I bring up on my next visit.
Ive drank myself under the table and now doing my usual of smoking spice.
I feel like doing something really stupid.
Despite having a good day, I still want to harm badly. I don't know why, but I can't shake the need.
It's the Jekyll and Hyde fight all over again. Maybe if I smoke rnough spice I'll not hurt myself bad. But I've had shit loads of booze, I don't know if my body can cope with the comxo.
Only tome will I guess. Maybe see you on the orhee si sede.
I notice it's been 20 minutes since you posted this - how are things now?