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Dealing with anal rape

Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,328 The Mix Honorary Guru
Possible trigger warning, obviously.

I've wanted to post this for a while but have been too embarrassed, but it's really starting to become a problem so I thought I kinda have to ask. As some of you know I was anally raped while on holiday in summer, I was abused for much of my younger life but never anally raped before. I've mostly learnt to deal with being vaginally raped/abused, and the flashback sensations that come with it, but this is something new and more difficult to try and cope with.

Here's the embarrassing bit I guess.. when I need to go to the toilet/am going to the toilet I feel utterly disgusting. It feels like being raped again and gives me flashbacks. I'm not sure how to deal with this, it's a daily thing obviously and it's really starting to affect me. I'm also really struggling with being naked at the moment (i.e. in the bath) and I try my best to hide under loads of bubbles but they pop, and I end up having to see my disgusting body. I've been avoiding being intimate with the boy and we've hardly had sex since we've been together, which is a shame because I feel like we're missing out on that bond.

So, any help would be appreciated please :(

Comments

  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,328 The Mix Honorary Guru
    I'm so sorry to hear about what's happened to you. I know how horrible it feels to have these flashbacks and to completely despise your body because of what someone else has put you. Firstly, you must always keep in mind it wasn't your fault (which I'm sure you're aware but of course, it's difficult to remind yourself that at times). Additionally, are you receiving professional support from what sounds to be PTSD? Perhaps talking to someone about what you're experiencing and planning new coping strategies could help alleviate the feelings you're currently experiencing? Is there anything that you've found particularly helpful in the past to take your mind off things that you feel you could apply to now? You're not disgusting, and I'm assuming that your boyfriend will be more than willing to support you through it if you're willing to open up to him. Perhaps you could look up psychosexual therapy online and try some of the techniques with your partner? I personally haven't tried it but I have heard it's meant to help you reconnect to the people close to you.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,328 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Thanks for your reply. I was sexually abused from the age of 7, I've been seeing the psych team since 11 or 12ish. There's no more help they could give me, I don't want to talk about any of it and nothing will ever make me want to talk about any of it. I'm on a lot of medication, I want to be numb. I'm happiest with feeling numb. It's just this one particular incident that is affecting me at the moment, I can deal with everything else I've learnt to deal with it all but just this one thing is very difficult to cope with at the moment.

    I don't think I've very well anyway, I think I'm seeing things but I can't tell. Going to jolly off to bed and hope tomorrow is better.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,328 The Mix Honorary Guru
    It doesn't sound like you're coping with what happened very well at all, I understand the need to be numb (I drink an awful lot to deal with how I feel) but it won't help you get past it. I will remind you that what happened was never your fault, that you are not disgusting in any way shape or form. I've found that writing about things helps me, whether it's short stories or poetry as it acts as a release and takes my mind off things for a bit. If you think you're seeing things, it might be wise to mention this to a doctor because you might need to have a medication review. I do hope you sleep well and I'm sorry I wasn't much help.
  • Starry nightStarry night Incredible Poster Posts: 674
    Thanks for your reply. I was sexually abused from the age of 7, I've been seeing the psych team since 11 or 12ish. There's no more help they could give me, I don't want to talk about any of it and nothing will ever make me want to talk about any of it. I'm on a lot of medication, I want to be numb. I'm happiest with feeling numb. It's just this one particular incident that is affecting me at the moment, I can deal with everything else I've learnt to deal with it all but just this one thing is very difficult to cope with at the moment.

    I don't think I've very well anyway, I think I'm seeing things but I can't tell. Going to jolly off to bed and hope tomorrow is better.

    I can't really help with the other things I'm sorry but I just wanted to remind you of how many people you have helped on the boards and the good things your boyfriend and family must think of you. From what you have said you have been through so much and are an exceptionally strong and brave person. I know it sounds cheesy but at these times I try and think of Churchill "If you're going through Hell, keep going." Try and think of getting through the days rather than putting any expectations/pressures on yourself unless absolutely necessary.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,328 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Nietzsche wrote: »
    It doesn't sound like you're coping with what happened very well at all, I understand the need to be numb (I drink an awful lot to deal with how I feel) but it won't help you get past it. I will remind you that what happened was never your fault, that you are not disgusting in any way shape or form. I've found that writing about things helps me, whether it's short stories or poetry as it acts as a release and takes my mind off things for a bit. If you think you're seeing things, it might be wise to mention this to a doctor because you might need to have a medication review. I do hope you sleep well and I'm sorry I wasn't much help.

    I see things, that's part of my illness. I have mood disorder with psychosis. Today is just a bad day. I'm not in a place where I want to "get past" what happened, I want to be numb. I've tried to force myself into therapy before to speak about it and it just made it 10 times worse, so for now I am going to stay numb. Thanks for the suggestions though. I do write a lot and sing, and play the flute, I have outlets.
    I can't really help with the other things I'm sorry but I just wanted to remind you of how many people you have helped on the boards and the good things your boyfriend and family must think of you. From what you have said you have been through so much and are an exceptionally strong and brave person. I know it sounds cheesy but at these times I try and think of Churchill "If you're going through Hell, keep going." Try and think of getting through the days rather than putting any expectations/pressures on yourself unless absolutely necessary.

    Thanks Starry, I'm plodding along. I just feel very on edge today, I think it's because I'm home alone and also my boyfriend is away. I'm working tomorrow which is good because I'll have a focus. Taken my meds, they'll kick in soon and I can sleep which is good
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,328 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Have you ever been offered EMDR therapy? I have it for my flashbacks and it's really helped. It dramatically reduces the intensity of the emotions attached to the memory.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,328 The Mix Honorary Guru
    I'm a second support of EMDR. It involves a little bit of talking, but mainly identifying feelings/attachment, rather than actually talking.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,328 The Mix Honorary Guru
    That's never been offered to me, I doubt the CAMHS budget covers it really. I'm on the waiting list for psychotherapy but my nurse said they'll probably have cut the funding to it by the time I get a place. I'm quite high up on the list, she has really pushed for it but the therapist is only in one morning a week so places are very limited.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,328 The Mix Honorary Guru
    http://www.camhscares.nhs.uk/v/greenwich_how_emdr - I don't know your location BA but this suggests that it is available in some CAHMS budgets.

    http://www.emdrassociation.org.uk/home/index.htm also lists practitioners if you ever wanted to find one privately in the future. I was offered it through my uni counselling, so whilst it's a while away, if you do end up at uni with a counselling service you could try it there?

    How are you with self-help? They've put a suggested self-EMDR type routine here: https://www.myptsd.com/c/threads/a-recipe-for-self-emdr.9458/
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,328 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Thanks purple I'll have a look through those links when I'm on my laptop :)
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,328 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Not coping with life. Very depressed. Find out soon whether the cps are going to take the man who abused me for years to court. They've said no before, they'll say no again. I won't be able to deal with it.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,328 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Not coping with life. Very depressed. Find out soon whether the cps are going to take the man who abused me for years to court. They've said no before, they'll say no again. I won't be able to deal with it.

    Sounds like you are going through a really tough time. I know how hard it is waiting for a CPS decision and the answer being no. You have done the right thing by reporting him so hopefully there will be sufficient evidence.

    What strategies did you use to cope last time? Do you have a support network at all?

    Massive hugs
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