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can you contact the service which you've been referred to, and ask where the referral process is at? I was re-referred back to the CMHT, got fed up of waiting to hear, so I rang them and they were able to give me some answers. They weren't the answers I wanted but at least I knew what was happening and was able to make plans according to what I was told, rather than being in limbo.
*hug*
It is not normal to be squatting in a toilet cubicle waiting for the other people to leave.
It is especially not normal to carry on squatting in the toilet cubicle because you aren't sure if they've all left yet.
It is even more especially not normal to just get purge anyway even though you still aren't sure because you know that you're just going to end up being anxiety city until 3pm when you can get away with going again.
Shit.
That was a really brave post - it's not always easy to admit to (and verbalise) what's going on.
Have things been getting progressively worse, or have you been doing this for a while? Admitting it to yourself is the first step - how would you feel about talking to someone else about it?
I'm not sure if you've had treatment for eating problems in the past but if you have then are you able to access any of the people/services you used before? If not, then maybe it's time to open up to your doctor about what's going on?
Big hugs to you *hug* let us know how you're doing today
Spanner
It hasn't been getting worse as such. More...ingrained. If I can't do it at lunchtime and at 3pm then I get really anxious and it kinda consumes everything. But somewhere in my brain is insisting that it's ok, it's not a problem because I could totally stop if I wanted to. I just...don't know if I really want to. Or if I actually could even if I did.
Doesn't help that my mum has commented on how much weight I've apparently lost since I last saw her (mid April).
Struggling. Really struggling. With the depression, this time. Have pissed off a lot of people this week. My best friend. My family. Deleted my Facebook because I can't deal with knowing that they think I'm attention seeking just because I post here rather than talk to them. Got really angry. Oops. Older sister says I make them out to be awful people all the time. I try not to. In fact I deliberately don't talk about it when I do public stuff (i.e. the Express thing and when I was on the radio) because I don't want to give the impression that they're bad people. They aren't. We just bash heads when it comes to my mental health because I don't deal with it the way they think I should. I don't talk to them about it because it ends up...like this. She said that I haven't been to her to talk about things in years. That I don't talk to them. No, I don't. But...they don't talk to me. I pretty much never get messages from them asking how I'm doing. Maybe that's just how my family is, I don't know.
It's my birthday in three weeks. I'll be in Yorkshire by then. I'm praying that this move will be good for me. But there are moments where I think I might not even make it that far. Three weeks. I can't even see three weeks ahead anymore. And because my birthday is on a Friday and the person I'm staying with goes back to wife/kids on weekends, I'll be spending it on my own I guess. Again. Just makes me think back to last year. Twin sister went for dinner with my mum and my older sister and I wasn't invited. My mum suggested I go to her house and hang out with stepdad/gran. I ended up sitting on my bed eating a massive bowl of jelly and squirty cream. On my birthday. Things like that are why I don't feel I can talk to them. Like I'm not really part of the family. I see pictures of those three (less so my oldest sister, but sometimes) with my niece, doing things as a family and I think...would I have been invited even if I was still in Essex? I feel like the answer would be no.
They're not bad people. I know they care about me. But I don't think they realise how excluded I feel, how excluded I've always felt. It's almost like I'm not really part of the family, so I guess I kinda pushed back and excluded myself almost.
The purging isn't getting much better. It's not getting worse, either, but I'm now doing it even if I don't want to. That worries me. That I'm doing it because I feel like I need to. That's my routine and I need to stick to my routine. I get panicky and anxious if I don't.
I'm scared. Nothing feels real. My head is full of fuzz and I'm practically a zombie right now. I just... I get up, shower, dress. Walk to work. 9-12, ciggie, purge, knit. 1-3, ciggie, purge, 3:15-5. Walk home. Shower. Lie on my bed for an hour. Supernatural, knitting. Bedtime by 10. Lie awake for an hour until my meds knock me out. Sleep. Back around again. Every day. Weekends throw me.
I'm exhausted. I ache everywhere. My joints keep clicking. My jaw feels permanently stiff. Almost constant nausea. My period is extra painful this month. My bad wrist is sorer than ever. I haven't felt right in weeks.
This was long. I'm sorry. I'll stop now.
I can't really think of anything useful to say, other than families are never easy things to deal with and it always seems to be a balancing game of somekind.
Thank you love
Have asked a...friend...if he'll come visit since it'll be my first weekend there too. I'll see what he says and let you know.
If not that day, I'm trying to arrange an appointment with an agency for that week so maybe we can do lunch in Leeds?
Like I would ever forget.
Sent from my GT-I9505 using Tapatalk 2
This time with more yarn stores.
YES. Although I can't promise there'd be anywhere for you to crash unless it's a weekend road trip.
There IS a fucking amazing yarn shop in Skipton. Also woolfest in September.
Stupid shitty Franki does stupid shitty things.
Triggery shit, fair warning.
Hurt myself last night. First time since I moved here at the end of September.
Didn't help.
Hurt myself again today. In the toilets. Lighter is having lots of playtime.
Didn't help.
I want to feel something, but it's like that stupuid fucking arsehole yesterday has just shoved all my fucking walls back up, even to myself. I am numb and empty and sad. I want to be gone.
My leg is killing but it's not making me feel any better. I deserve it. I've obviously done something bad. Why else would someone just abandon me? He realised within twenty minutes that I'm not worth bothering with so he just fucked off because he couldn't even fuck me.
That's all anyone wants. I am glorified porn and a total fucking whore. I should charge them, really. I'd make a fucking mint. That's all I'm good for so why not make some money out of it, eh?
God it hurts.
Everythjing just hurts.
I'm going to have to get a train to Skipton when I move there because the family will be there and there'll be no room in the car for me. So I get to pay £60 to spend six hours on a train and feel like I'm intruding for a week. YAY ME. I'm pissed off. Really, really pissed off. But I have no right to be because I am rightly not priority.
I just want to be someone's priority.
Yesterday I was told that someone I am getting to quite like could never have a relationship with me because he doesn't think he could be in a non-exclusive relationship. Ok, fine. But then it's totally ok for him to just want me for sex instead. Obviously. Because I'm a fucking filthy fucking whore.
Fuck it. It's just pointless. Nothing's going to fucking change. Ever.
You know where I am.
Too late. Way too late.
It doesn't hurt enough though. I need it to hurt more. I need it to hurt everywhere. I need to feel it everywhere.
I'm sorry.
It's in the ranty thread. So yeah go for it.
I must have though. Why else would he have done it? People don't just bail on someone unless there's something wrong with that someone. I was even trying to be normal and not talk about my stupid shit.
Or else I'm just too fucking huge that he couldn't bear to look at me anymore.
Franki went on a date last night (sun). Was driven 30mins to the cinema, dropped at the front door and told that her date was going to find a parking space. He never came back. Franki was picked up by her dad.
*hug*
But we were getting on ok and there was no indication that he was gonna go. He seemed really nice and friendly and NORMAL and I must have just seemed like some fat awful freak to him.
No, he's clearly a freak. What a fuckhead.
Is there any way to report arseholes on dating websites? There should be a way to shame him, honestly and without resorting to insults, etc.?
Me, apparently.