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Not a happy panda and stuff.
Former Member
Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
**Some of the stuff in this here thread might be triggery. Food/purgey nonsense, not SH.**
Soooooo hi.
I've been putting this off for a while. Because I don't really know what I want out of it, I guess. I just need to write things down and get...something. I don't even know.
I'm not ok. LOOK THERE I SAID IT. I'm so not ok that I'm scaring myself a little. And other people. Well, not scaring them, really, more making them worry a lot. I've been not ok for a while, now, but I just kinda push it all down and pretend everything is hunky dory and lalalalalala.
I started my CBT last week, and I'm fairly sure she thinks I have bulimia (I don't have bulimia for reasons I'm not going to go into because it'll sound like making excuses, but I can see why she would think it from a 45 minute conversation) because it was like an overview/assessment type appointment where we went over everything and didn't go into detail about any of it, and I mentioned that sometimes I'm stupid and that I'm currently being stupid and eugh. So...yeah. I've been making myself sick. 3-4 times a day, I guess. But...at work. Which makes me feel like an idiot when like...someone else comes into the toilets while I'm in a cubicle on my knees and I just stay totally still and silent to avoid them realising, or when I...eugh...when I somehow managed to almost block the toilet.
I want to point out that I'm not binging, but I have found that I'm eating something (sandwich, apple, pastry, whatever) at times just so that I have something that'll come back up again. Nothing big or in excessive amounts, just...something. That...I'm not liking that, really. Especially since my appetite is practically non-existent (except when I'm in bed, when my stomach feels empty and horrible, which I don't really get).
And it's not just that. I'm feeling increasingly empty and just...sad. For no particular reason, but just like everything is pointless and I'm pointless and everybody would be much better off if I wasn't around. My anxiety attacks are getting more frequent and not always triggered by anything tangible. They just ARE sometimes. And I've been thinking stupid things about pills and making everything go away. I don't think I'd ever act on it, because it's more a feeling of not wanting to be alive, rather than wanting to die, but it's becoming more like a constant background noise in my brain. If I could just go to sleep and disappear forever that'd be so nice.
I'm trying to organise things to keep me looking forward to something (I'm off to visit a friend of mine (and hopefully see Kaff and Jay-Ess-Tee) in Yorkshire at the beginning of May, and my friend in Sweden has offered to pay for me to go and visit him in June), but my cabin fever just keeps getting worse because I know nobody. I try and go and visit my friends who live about 20 minutes away as often as I can, but for various reasons I don't want to intrude too often. I don't drive and the train station is 15 minutes out of town, and the buses are...eugh...from here. So even though I'm not that far from Cheltenham or Gloucester, it's just a massive pain in the arse. My ex now won't talk to me at all, which means the friends I made through him are pretty much redundant, because I wouldn't feel comfortable even talking to them anymore.
GRARGH.
I don't know what to do. I'm just...plodding along. Every day is like, muddling through my day until bedtime. I can't think right, I can't focus on anything, I spend most of my days just staring at a screen trying to work out what I'm supposed to be doing right now. Like my head is full of cotton wool.
So...yeah. I don't expect much from you guys, really. I just needed to get something out. My brain is a mix of hurt and empty and sad. I wanna go curl up in a ball somewhere for a while. Curl up and disappear from the world.
Bleurgh.
F
Soooooo hi.
I've been putting this off for a while. Because I don't really know what I want out of it, I guess. I just need to write things down and get...something. I don't even know.
I'm not ok. LOOK THERE I SAID IT. I'm so not ok that I'm scaring myself a little. And other people. Well, not scaring them, really, more making them worry a lot. I've been not ok for a while, now, but I just kinda push it all down and pretend everything is hunky dory and lalalalalala.
I started my CBT last week, and I'm fairly sure she thinks I have bulimia (I don't have bulimia for reasons I'm not going to go into because it'll sound like making excuses, but I can see why she would think it from a 45 minute conversation) because it was like an overview/assessment type appointment where we went over everything and didn't go into detail about any of it, and I mentioned that sometimes I'm stupid and that I'm currently being stupid and eugh. So...yeah. I've been making myself sick. 3-4 times a day, I guess. But...at work. Which makes me feel like an idiot when like...someone else comes into the toilets while I'm in a cubicle on my knees and I just stay totally still and silent to avoid them realising, or when I...eugh...when I somehow managed to almost block the toilet.
I want to point out that I'm not binging, but I have found that I'm eating something (sandwich, apple, pastry, whatever) at times just so that I have something that'll come back up again. Nothing big or in excessive amounts, just...something. That...I'm not liking that, really. Especially since my appetite is practically non-existent (except when I'm in bed, when my stomach feels empty and horrible, which I don't really get).
And it's not just that. I'm feeling increasingly empty and just...sad. For no particular reason, but just like everything is pointless and I'm pointless and everybody would be much better off if I wasn't around. My anxiety attacks are getting more frequent and not always triggered by anything tangible. They just ARE sometimes. And I've been thinking stupid things about pills and making everything go away. I don't think I'd ever act on it, because it's more a feeling of not wanting to be alive, rather than wanting to die, but it's becoming more like a constant background noise in my brain. If I could just go to sleep and disappear forever that'd be so nice.
I'm trying to organise things to keep me looking forward to something (I'm off to visit a friend of mine (and hopefully see Kaff and Jay-Ess-Tee) in Yorkshire at the beginning of May, and my friend in Sweden has offered to pay for me to go and visit him in June), but my cabin fever just keeps getting worse because I know nobody. I try and go and visit my friends who live about 20 minutes away as often as I can, but for various reasons I don't want to intrude too often. I don't drive and the train station is 15 minutes out of town, and the buses are...eugh...from here. So even though I'm not that far from Cheltenham or Gloucester, it's just a massive pain in the arse. My ex now won't talk to me at all, which means the friends I made through him are pretty much redundant, because I wouldn't feel comfortable even talking to them anymore.
GRARGH.
I don't know what to do. I'm just...plodding along. Every day is like, muddling through my day until bedtime. I can't think right, I can't focus on anything, I spend most of my days just staring at a screen trying to work out what I'm supposed to be doing right now. Like my head is full of cotton wool.
So...yeah. I don't expect much from you guys, really. I just needed to get something out. My brain is a mix of hurt and empty and sad. I wanna go curl up in a ball somewhere for a while. Curl up and disappear from the world.
Bleurgh.
F
0
Comments
It can't have been easy to post all that *hug* but it is a positive step that you've verbalised how you're feeling and admitted - to yourself as well as us - that you're not alright at the moment.
Like Shyboy said, how did you find the CBT generally? It's probably a bit soon to tell, but it could really help to have someone neutral to talk to - and it sounds like you've been very honest with her, which will really help.
Splitting up from your boyfriend and living in an area where you don't know many people is bound to make you feel a bit lonely and sad. Try to be kind to yourself and remind yourself that it will take time to get through this stage. Arranging trips to see friends is a really good idea to give you something to look forward to and also give you some social interaction with people you care about.
You mentioned work - is there anyone there that you get on with? Work can be a really good place to meet new friends - even starting small by suggesting you go and get a sandwich together at lunch time can be a good way of getting to know people a bit better.
But it sounds like this is only part of the problem and that the need to make yourself sick so much is starting to take over your day. I wonder what it is that is driving this need - is it helping you feel more in control or less panicky? If you could work that out it might be easier to find another way of getting that same feeling that you get from making yourself sick and you might be able to work towards stopping it?
I really hope things start to get a bit better for you soon - take care
I hope so. My main problem with it is that once a month isn't really enough to get rid of the godawful cabin fever. I'm getting increasingly frustrated with my younger sister, because she's a lot. Last night I was feeling really shit because I bought a dress and it didn't fit and while I was trying to tell my dad about it she was making fake crying noises and going, "Daddyyyyy, daddyyyyy, Frances has upset me because she says she's faaaaaaaaat". Like...really? Daddy is paying me some attention for a change so you need to make it about you?
But she's 11. So that's how it works. I find it really hard though, because I get annoyed by things really easily and I get bored of people really fast if I spend too much time with/talking to them (with few exceptions). When there was Boyfriend, at least I was getting out of the house regularly or he'd be over for dinner on a Wednesday and it broke up the week but eugh.
I'm only temping at the moment - I do get on with the people here but I don't know if they'd ever want it to be more than friendly work colleague type stuff. There's one girl I've worked with in two places now that I'm friends with on Facebook, but I think we're very very different people (we do get on, but I don't know how well we'd get on outside of a work environment!) so I'm not sure.
Work is actually one of my big "problems" because I've never managed to find myself a permanent job off my own back. The longer I'm technically unemployed the worse it's going to get, but then that makes applications difficult because I see so little worth in myself. Grargh.
I don't know what it is, really. I think part of it is control. I don't have control over much right now and everything is just feeling really spinny and shit so I guess that's part of it. There's other stuff as well that I can't really go into on here because it could have backlash that I don't want, but...yeah. I don't know. The CBT lady said that maybe she could refer me to the ED service once we were done (can only use one service at a time - hurrah!) but I really don't think I'm that bad. Maybe I am. I don't know.
@ShyBoy - we need to arrange visiting. Because I need to see your NEW HOUSE. What are you up to on Saturday
Am struggling a bit today. Last night I picked up the (second attempt) dress for my stepsister's wedding on the 13th. Everyone insists that it didn't zip up because, like the first one, it wasn't made for Massive Boobs, but I'm not convinced. Especially since I looked like a fucking whale in it. I thought that buying a dress a month in advance would be safe, but now I've got like a week to get a new one and pray that it fits. So once I'd pulled it off I ended up hunched over the toilet bawling my eyes out and eugh. Everything I eat, even as I'm eating it, my body is going "NO NO NO GET IT OUT WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING?!" and I'm trying to fight it because even the walk home (about 1.5 miles) is getting difficult and my stomach hurts, but...eugh. HARD.
*crawls under a rock*
I'm not a fan of CBT, but maybe it's worth raising your concerns of the time with her on your first session. Self esteem is such a fragile thing - I thought I was getting myself back on track but then it took a big whack and I feel like I'm back to not quite square one but maybe square 2. I think little things everyday really help. Not always easy but just being aware of what's going on for you is a huge thing and probably a good 2/3 of recovery.
Send me a message if you want lovely, I'm here for a rant or a knit and a cuppa or whatever.
Couldn't face eating my lunch. Ended up nibbling on a muffin for two and a half hours and only finishing half of it before I had to stop. The thought of food is starting to make me feel sick. Everything I eat makes me nauseous. I forced myself to eat the roll my dad made for my lunch at about 4:30 but the only reason it stayed down is because it refused to come up.
I got dragged dress shopping yesterday. Because of the two that I bought that didn't fit. I started crying before we'd even been in one shop. I didn't get a whole lot of choice about what I tried on and the whole thing just made me feel huge and pathetic and disgusting.
I have therapy tomorrow. I'm meant to have done a thing about what problems I want to be working on during therapy and what my goals are regarding them. I can't even do that because it's all just so overwhelming. I've written some things thanks to a bit of help from my friend and my dad, but I just...eugh. I don't even know if CBT is what I need. I don't know anything anymore.
I want to run away. Make everything disappear. Start all over again without the fucking bullshit that is my brain.
Bleurgh.
Try not to let the 'homework' get in the way - even if you have thought of a few things, your counsellor can help you talk through them together and work out your goals - they certainly wouldn't want you feeling so overwhelmed that you give up on it.
If you can, try and be honest about your relationship with food at the moment - it does sound like it's dominating your thoughts a lot at the moment - and that you're not giving your body the nutrients it deserves. Maybe it would be good to work on some goals around this with your counsellor?
You also talked about how work is a big hurdle for you and how you haven't ever found a permanent job. Perhaps this is also something you could use as a goal - even if its not the right kind of goal for CBT, your counsellor might be able to help you explore some of the mental barriers you have to finding work.
I hope it goes well tomorrow, let us know how you get on
@spanner - it went alright, I guess. I'm becoming increasingly convinced that CBT isn't what I need right now. I know the cycles my brain goes through and while I'm not sure how to go about getting out of them, I think that's more to do with self-confidence. And she said specifically that that's not what she deals with. I'm told there's a self-esteem group but the idea of going into a group is terrifying. And I can't do both.
I'm scaring myself again. The thought that I don't want to be alive is turning more and more into wanting to be dead (and so actively wanting to do something about it). I know how I'd do it and I have the means. The only thing stopping me is that I've got trips planned but after that...who knows? This is the worst I've felt in...ever. The food thing is overwhelming to the point where my day consists of working out when I can next get away with going to the toilet. I went to my stepsister's wedding yesterday and not being able to get rid of the food made me really panicky. I'm eating for the sake of eating because I've always had a big appetite and people would worry if I wasn't eating at all. Bleurgh.
*hug* I don't have a lot of good advice right now other than to send you and massive hug and say that you've made it through the lows before and you can make it through this one. focus on the trips, its great that you have things to look forward too atm xx
So...I haven't really got much better. I did four sessions of CBT and at the last one (which was about 3 weeks after the 3rd one because of illness and holidays (hers then mine)) she said that she thinks it would be better to discharge me from CBT and refer me to the Eating Disorder team.
Logically, I know this is a really good idea. It is more likely to help me with what I see as the main problem - self-esteem - and Logical Brain knows that making myself sick multiple times a day is not really ideal.
But.
Silly Brain is insisting that there's not really a problem. That I could stop whenever I want to and that I just DON'T want to. And I don't. Not really. I know why it is that I don't want to stop (it's turned into a routine now, which is perhaps why I didn't do it at all over the week I was away from work aside from once at the end of the week), and I know that that's also something they're going to help me work on, but I still really don't like the idea of seeing an ED team.
I want to say now that what I'm about to write is not meant to offend anyone, this is just the way *I* feel about *me*. So...
I feel like this is something I should be ashamed of. I've never really felt that about my depression, or the anxiety, or the self harm. But because the food problem started way after the depression did, and I knew in Logical Brain that it was pointless and no good for me and that it's Bad. I didn't know what SH or depression was when I first did that. I did know what this was. I can talk about depression/SH/anxiety to anyone and everyone. But not this. Never this.
I'm really struggling with the fight between Silly Brain and Logical Brain right now. And I'm being triggered by so many things that it's just a massive mess in my brain. I hate it. I have never been triggered by SH images, but even seeing someone in the wealth of porn I see who is the kind of shape I'd like to be is making me want to go and stab my own stomach out. Not to mention the friends I want to support that I'm having to say "I need you to be careful what you say" to. I don't want to have to do that. I want them to be able to be honest with me. But even people saying things like, "I'm not thin", when they clearly are pretty slim, that makes me go OHGODWHATMUSTTHEYTHINKOFMEEEEE?!
And the paranoia is coming back. Ohhhh man. I thought coming off the Venlafaxine would stop that. But no.
On top of all that, I'm trying to learn to be honest about things with my dad. But without telling him that I really, desperately want to be out of his house now. It's not the kind of environment I'm comfortable in, and while I appreciate that they are having me there because they care, I am really struggling without the kind of independence I had even while living with my mum. He wants to know where I am all the time, they won't let me take my laptop upstairs and the only time I get to myself is when I have my twice-weekly I'M HAVING A BATH FUCK OFF time. He's even started going on a "I'm going to have to take that phone off you..." kick, which is making me want to go mad. And they insist on being HAPPY CHEERFUL JOY all the god damn time which is just...NOT ME. If I'm not grinning like a loon and super talkative they go on about me being grumpy. I'm not grumpy. I'm just not particularly cheerful.
*breathe*
I'm so tired. I need a proper job. I need a place to myself. Where I can feel like it's MINE and not be sleeping in a generic room with generic sheets. I want to be able to talk to my friends on Skype without having my family listening in. I want to feel normal and happy and not this massive fucked up mess of a person I am right now.
1. You're not jumping for joy at the idea of a referral to the eating disorder team.
2. Living with your dad is doing your head in.
Have I got that right as a starting point?
Pretty much yeah.
MR - no. I don't think I'll get one either.
ED team. Unlikely to fill you with enthusiasm. That said, lots of things in life that are good for us don't fill us with enthusiasm. Is getting that referral still on the cards or at least an option?
The referral has been made but I'm not sure how long it will take to come through.
Right, next list time. What are the actual problems with living with your dad. In nice simple list form thank you please.
Oh alright then. List.
Still not had my referral through for ED team.
Decided to move to Skipton. Because I bloody well CAN.
I would really like to give you hugs. Im not much good beyond that I'm afraid.
I'm here on facebook and stuff if you ever just want to rant at me though, or even just talk...
Did u talk to your dad?
No.
Scary - my best friend lives there during the week (for work - then back this way with his Mrs and kids for the weekend) and he's offered me his spare room.
I haven't. What am I gonna say? "Hello daddy, I'm suicidal and here is a list of reasons I hate living here!"? Meh.
That might actually be a good idea. Yes it might shock him a bit, but he seems to so totally unaware of what's going on for you it might be the best way.
Not yet. I will do though. But I'm fairly sure a lot of my issue lies in my total lack of social life. When I was with ex and seeing other people I could be myself around on a regular basis, I felt so different. I think that just being somewhere where I can be myself and with someone who has been amazingly supportive in all the right ways will do me a world of good.
And no, MR, I will not say that to my dad. He's only trying to be supportive in the way he knows how to be. Same as my mum was. Just because it's not the right way for me doesn't mean I'm gonna break his heart by telling him.
I would hate for you to be so close to getting good support where you are, only to move away and have not much. Have the ED team been in contact?
*hug*
Nope. I haven't heard from them at all. My CBT lady did say it'd be 2-3 weeks but I'm pretty sure I'm past that now. Not even a letter to acknowledge the referral.
I will look into the support available. But what I've been given so far hasn't really done very much except make me realise what makes me feel better and worse. Being around people I don't have to hide myself around was one of the main ones.