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Purple_Roo is right - rant away - that's what this forum is for. Sometimes just having a bit of a rant and letting it all out can help in itself.
So sorry that you feel sidelined at home. I guess you're all dealing with the loss in different ways. Much as parents should be perfect and put all their own feelings aside for their kids, the reality is that they're human too and have emotions and ups and downs. It's just a shame that you and your mum are both dealing with same problem right now.
Do you ever talk properly to your mum about what happened? It must be really hard, but just acknowledging one another's feelings might help.
On a more practical level, working your sleeping hours around your other commitments is a good start. I would suggest you double check the driving thing with your doctor first if it's unclear though, just to be on the safe side.
I hope you get a good night's sleep tonight - it's such a defining factor in how we feel emotionally, so you're totally right to focus on it.
Take care
We don't talk that openly - if she's mad she bottles it up and makes nasty remarks until we eventually get to the root of the issue. She got really narky with me this morning when I asked if she could walk to work tomorrow - then this evening after I eventually got her to be honest, she told me how no-one really listens to her or cares - they just expect her to do what she's always done. That's absolute crap because I've been putting off most of my grief for the past 12 months to try and be supportive to her. All I want to do right now is curl up and die. And I know that sounds dramatic but things have just gradually been mounting up over the past however many months and I just can't do it anymore. But its not just that. Living with her at the moment, is like living with my Dad this time last year and I am absolutely terrified she will end up doing the same thing, even though she's adamant she wouldn't. I just don't trust people anymore. :crying:
Me and my mum were in a very different position - but don't think she, or my dad/brothers had any idea how much listening and protecting/sheltering I'd been doing for her until I moved out. Then suddenly there was a gap.
I also ended up not taking any sleeping tablets last night but I managed to sleep for 7 hours straight without so that's something.
Argh, I dunno - I guess things will improve (or not) as and when and if they don't, I live near an airport so I'll just bugger off somewhere and not come back.
That really is something. If your sleep picks up, you might start to find it easier to cope. I hope so.
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You can get through this lovely. I promise you.
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I want to go back to my GP but they dont listen :crying:
Would get you to March, is that still the aim?
6 sessions would be a good step along the way. It would also give you 6 slots of having someone to talk to who's there to listen. Listening isn't a strong point of GPs - so if work can offer something that might be a help.
As others have mentioned - have you considered bereavement groups?
Also, you need to give the sleep thing time. When I used to work rotation I came back from that shattered - after a heavy rota it took me 2 days of sleeping/napping most of the time followed by a full week of decent nights long sleep to catch up. And that's recovering from something pretty short - suspect you're more worn out than I was after that.
I haven’t replied to one of your threads before but I want you to know that I have been reading all of your thread/s and all of your posts from afar (I’ve been reading them from afar as up until now I wasn’t sure what it was that I wanted to say, or if indeed if any of what I did have to say would carry any weight).
Anyway, firstly I can’t pretend to know what you’re going through as I’ve never lost a parent through suicide; and well even if I had I still wouldn’t proclaim to know how YOU feel. However although I haven’t lost a parent through suicide I have experienced a loss through suicide; in fact I’ve experienced two and well if nothing else I have certainly experienced my fair share of grief and loss during my lifetime.
The first of my own aforementioned losses came when I was 15 years old when my step-granddad took his own life. Unfortunately his marriage had broken down and subsequently in the months that followed he then started drinking heavily. One night he simply drove to a secluded spot blocked his car exhaust and switched on the engine. His death had a huge impact on my family, the dynamics of my family, my home life and I guess the course of my life in general. Indeed my family would certainly be able to relate to your feelings of guilt, blame, stress (including that induced through the subsequent inquest) and to some extent even shame.
The feelings associated with his death were feelings that at the time I had hoped that I’d never experience again, however in the autumn of 2009 I experienced yet another loss to suicide when an old school friend of mine hung himself. Although I hadn’t seen this particular friend for a few years we were close growing up and his death hit me quite hard. And I guess looking back his death hit me hard for two reasons; the first was the obvious loss, grief and shock that his death elicited in everyone that had known him. However the second reason was something that I believe I may have felt in isolation because in between the death of my step-granddad and that of my friend I had endured my own battle with my inner demons and that ‘black dog’ depression; indeed I certainly stood on the edge of life’s pit and looked down. So you see to some degree I knew how my friend must have felt and that’s what really saddened me!
When I stumbled onto these boards in 2009 (before my friends’ death) I was in the midst of another depressive episode however with the advice and support of some of these wonderful people on these boards I somehow found the strength to seek the professional help that I so clearly needed. Anyway I guess what I’m trying to say is that I have witnessed the effects of suicide and I have also walked that fine line between life and death myself and while I can’t pull you from the darkness or wave a magic wand to make all of this go away what I can hopefully do is show you a glimmer of light; or hope.
Life is not a circular path but a linear one, there will be many ups and downs along the way but try and remember that no one point in time will ever be the same (although at times it might feel like it!). There will be many wonderful moments still to come and it’s these little things that we need to cling onto; life can get better.
So although I can’t promise you that someday your life will be fantastic and everything you dreamed of, what I can promise you is that with time and the right support life will one day feel better than it does right now.
Take care and try to hold onto that hope *hug*
Thanks for your post girl_afraid. Like yourself, I've experienced the impact of suicide and also being at that point myself. I find it difficult comprehending that was how he felt and no one helped him.
I'm desperately trying to keep going...it's just so hard. I could really relate to what you wrote though so thank you for sharing...
Write it down and hand it do the doctor if you can't say it - "I'm having suicidal thoughts and I want help."
It is a big deal to admit to someone that you are suicidal. It isn't stupid to be scared of admitting it. Write it down and show it to your doctor if you don't think you can actually speak the words. But you should admit your feelings because it's only through acknowledging the feelings that you can even begin to work through them.
I'm waiting for a call back from the counselling team through work for a telephone assessment - can take a while though apparently. Until then I guess I'll just have to keep going.