If you need urgent support, call 999 or go to your nearest A&E. To contact our Crisis Messenger (open 24/7) text THEMIX to 85258.
Read the community guidelines before posting ✨
Options
just.. argh
This discussion has been closed.
Essential support for under 25s
Comments
Has he tried any other treatment? Whilst medication doesn't work for everyone, there are other treatments out there that will help.
:yes: By doing what he says is just going to make everything worse. The more you do what he says, the more he's going to expect it.
:yes: Whilst sometimes your actions may not help, his behaviour isn't your fault.
She couldn't break up with him either. She had to force herself by signing a contract for another flat, telling him just right before she moved out, leaving behind her broke boyfriend and a 3000 Euros kitchen she invested in. She could never break up or move out, because of this, and I told her those are not reasons to stay in an abusive relationship. She will never see that money again, but she finally realized there was no way she can be in that relationship any longer and stopped finding excuses like money.
Having said that: People do know what kind of situation you are in. Often times you feel misunderstood, because nobody sees him like you do, because we don't know him. Thing is tho, everyone had to deal with such a person before, even if it's just through a friend who has been in a relationship with such a person. The people outside usually have a pretty clear grasp on what's going on.
His mental health problems are not an excuse for the way he behaves. He has to take responsibility for monitoring his own moods, not blame you if he experiences paranoia or anxiety. Bipolar doesn't mean "abusive and you have to deal with it".
:yes:
OR he could help HIMSELF by realising that his paranoias are not justified.
Seriously, I've had points where I genuinely thought the whole world was out to get me a la Truman Show, but I have *never* told people to stop doing things which make my paranoia worse because I know that it's ME that has the problem.
The things he is TELLING (he's not asking, is he, really?) you to do or not do are not things which are reasonable adjustments that you might make for a mentally ill partner. These are things which are him stopping you doing things that are a normal part of life for everybody.
Think about it this way: Would you ever ask him to not spend time with his friends? Would you ever ask him to not do things with his family? No? Then why is it ok that he's doing it.
I know a few people with bipolar and never have any of them acted in this way to ANYBODY. This isn't his bipolar that is doing this, it's his being-a-fucking-cockbag.
To me, the last line reads "this is your fault I act how I do". Like it has always been said - he has to take responsibility for his actions. Whilst you may find that your actions don't help him, it's not your fault he acts how he does.
Same here.
Agreed. Too many people use mental illness as an excuse to act like a complete dick.
Like Suzy says the OP seems pretty happy to put up with it and even blame herself for it.....
In my opinion, there are two types of people in this world. The people that KNOW theyre fucked up have issues to deal with, and the people that dont.
He sounds like one of the latter.
I think its very unfair for a young girl (sorry if youre not anarr, just the impression i get) should have to deal with this sort of shit in a relatively new relationship. You seem quite unclear in your head about what youre prepared to put up with and what youre not, and what hes entitled to ask of you and what hes not.
Sorry to see that you are going through this. It seems like this relationship is like a rollercoaster. You seem happy with him at times, and other times he seems to upset you a great deal.
As others have mentioned, his mental health is not an excuse but perhaps he needs to visit his GP again and see what options he has out there, including free counselling.
Perhaps you need a break from him to see how you feel alone? Off course it is hard to be apart especially if you love him like you say you do, yet perhaps you might feel more free from, what seems like, his controlling ways.
Perhaps what you think you can't live without is the way he needs you. You feel needed as he seems to put a lot of himself on you, but perhaps this shouldn't be the reason to stay.
Don't feel bad for posting about him, it helps to get different perspectives - and if you need to keep posting we are all here. But at the end of the day it's you decision and what your instinct tells you.
Good luck *hug*
What's his problem with you swimming?
Melian- I'm not sure, its either the fact i'm showing a lot of skin, it's exercise, or both of those things. probably both
This really makes me sad, because his demands are SO unrealistic. It sounds like its already messing with your head, because you want to please him and keep him so much, but it sounds to me like he really is verging on the abusive side of dominant, if not well and truly in there. His requests for what he wants from you, and how pathetic and childlike he makes you feel when you confront him, really suggest this is not an equal relationship at all. It sounds very parent/child.
what do you think he really wants from you?
Can you write a list of demands he makes, and then maybe say which ones YOU think are reasonable, and the ones you think arent.
and yeah ill think today and post it later x
I think you should at least press for an explanation. I know I would, just because I am curious like that. If he can't give a good reason, which he won't be able to, you can just tell him it is not your problem that he is getting uncomfortable with such a thing and that you will go swimming.
And yes, I have to echo Lea here. Just because you are young and in a stage where you probably won't date the person you spend the biggest part of your life with, it doesn't mean that you have to put up with abusive behavior. For the love of god, if you want to go swimming in your holiday by all means do and do not lie to him. Tell him you wanted to and it's fine. End of it. You are doing him more of a favor with that then catering to his insecurities.
If you settle for this, he will keep doing it. YOU are allowing him to keep treating you badly. He doesnt seem to naturally "want" to treat you well and fairly like most people would, and he doesnt take it well when you ask him to treat you fairly and be reasonable in his demands, so im not sure what you can really do for him.
Youll get bored of it eventually. Hopefully you wont be too fucked up by the time it happens
he's just asked me what i wore out today
He is being ridiculous. There is mental illness but there is also being a complete jerk. I think you need to tell him to get over himself and that the world does not revolve around him. Its not YOUR job to pander to HIS problems.
Perfect response to that would have been
"That's because I am your ex, you're dumped"
Well, I don't have anything to add anymore to this thread. You heard everything you need to know and if there is the slightest doubt you did not, re-read the thread (I do that regularly, because I often blank things out if they are not what I was expecting to get in the first moment, but I am like "how did I miss that?" afterwards).
I know how hard it is to get out of such situations and of course you need to be convinced yourself of this failure and that's a good thing!, because it is sensible that you do not act in someone else's interest without being convinced of it (hint hint, a link to the actual topic). Of course this learning experience can go slow or quick and I hope the people's insight here helps you to learn quick.