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just.. argh
Annaarrr!!
Posts: 876 Part of The Mix Family
bf is really getting strict with how i dress. he snapped at me today and remained pissed off at me for a couple of hours cos when i got out of the car he said 'shirts a bit low isnt it' and i said no. i dont know what to do because i cant turn round to my mum and tell her i dont like clothes she buys me but i dont want to lose my bf. :banghead: :banghead: i had to sit at the poolside yesterday while my family went swimming cos he isnt comfortable with me swimming yet.
i dont know how to talk to him without him just straight out dumping me. i really dont want to split up with him i just cant have a conversation with him about it without it sounding like im a child throwing a temper tantrum and stomping my feet about it :no:
:banghead: :crying:
bllllllllaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
i dont know how to talk to him without him just straight out dumping me. i really dont want to split up with him i just cant have a conversation with him about it without it sounding like im a child throwing a temper tantrum and stomping my feet about it :no:
:banghead: :crying:bllllllllaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
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I don't think it's much of a stretch to say that verges on emotional abuse.
Sorry if that's blunt, but I don't see how he's good for you.
I know you don't want to break up with him. Tell him that you will wear what you want and go swimming if you want and say it in a calm voice because what you are saying is not unreasonable. If he turns it into a tantrum then thats his problem.
Personally if it was me I would tell him to
A. Get over it
B. Grow some balls!
Those people are never worth it.
I've tried telling him i'm missing out on time with my family and he almost dumped me for guilt tripping him, i think he'd just dump me on the spot if i refused to listen to him. he's already said me not doing as he said will leave his head in a mess.
what really confuses me though is how he seems scared about other people knowing, so surely he must know it upsets me otherwise he wouldnt care if other people know. also, he only started saying this a couple of months ago and i had no idea he had views like that before we got together.
thanks for the replies x
It sounds a bit crude to be a deliberate attempt to condition you, but this seems top be quite concerted abusive controlling behaviour.
For most people a partnership is between equals* - his insecurity making him act like this is his problem that he needs to get over. Your insecurity that makes you want to please him rather than risk losing him is your problem, but this behviour will make you unhappy, and you will leave the relationship at some point, so it is better that you do it now, before he leaves emotional scars - or even physical ones.
Things done through love don't need to be hidden, abusers never want you to talk about their abuse - because they rely on you accepting it as "normal" or possibly that it is "as much your fault" - so talk about this with close family you trust, and see what they think - if he is being reasonable, they will tell you.
* While there are those who enjoy a dom/sub relationship they only work when entered into with full knowledge and carefully considered ground rules
It doesn't matter how much you love him, he doesn't love you (even if he says he does) with behaviour like that.
She recently got out and said she never felt better. There is no reason to stay with controlling, abusive people. Not one. It's never worth it and most people in this situations realize this way too late. I would be ashamed of myself if I endured this shit and tried to excuse it to others and myself. To me it's a sign of a weak personality. And it is getting weaker and you lose self-confidence the longer you let him manipulate you.
On a slightly different note, why is your mum buying (or rather choosing) your clothes for you.
Don't know how old you are but even if you are in your teens surely you should be having an input into what you wear?
she sometimes buys me clothes just cos she has some spare money, i'm allowed to choose what clothes i buy, but she does just get me stuff for no reason sometimes.
were talking now and hes saying if i cover up he'll stop drinking while he's out and stop talking to girls so much. no matter how much i tell him i dont want him to stop doing those things, hes insisting cos he wants me to cover up. the paranoia fucks him up so bad cos of his bipolar. i dont know what to do anymore. and StrubbleS, my bf isnt as bad as that, i'm allowed to stay at friends house as long as hes okay with the people going and its only female and there's no alcohol or drugs etc
The bits in bold are the problem. Only IF you cover up he'll do these things and only if HE is okay with the circumstances you're allowed to spend time with friends. Everything is on his terms, what about what you want?
He's behaving like a child, and he needs to realise he cant throw his toys out the pram everytime you do something he doesnt like. Of course no relationship is perfect but the way tp deal with it is through compromise and understanding, not threats and guilt tripping
I think you need to break up with him. He, as others have said, sounds like a spoilt child. A relationship should be equal - yours isn't.
That's his problem; not yours. You have to put yourself first.
id recommend the latter. You wont change him, and it doesnt sound like youd be very happy being controlled and dominated like that.
Have just read through the thread and lines like "I don't know how to talk to him without him dumping me" and "I don't want to lose him" jump out at me as her basically being willing to put up with anything from him as long as she can keep him. Which is odd given the way he treats her which is obviously wrong.
She also says "my bf isn't as bad as that" and he does let me do this and do that which is basically justifying his behaviour in her head.
And worst of all SHE is worried about acting like a child when in fact he is the one behaving this way.
Sadly I don't think any amount of us telling her to get out is going to do the job. Just hope she sees it herself sooner rather than later
i wasnt asking for a way to 'get out' i was asking for a way to approach him to talk about things.
Melian- i know its not right, which is why i want to talk to him to try and change it. and i am scared, but of losing him, not of being in the relationship. and im not constantly unhappy, im happy sometimes, and most of its probably depression, and im attending counselling sessions to get help for that
thank you all for the replies, sorry i havent replied to everyone, i havent known what to say most of the time, i'm very grateful for you all making the effort to respond even though i'm frustrating some of you
x
I think when people are controlling like that, its not a case of you needing to find the right way to explain to him why he shouldnt. It sounds like hes a massive ball of issues, and is trying to pin the blame on you
Your partner is abusive and very controlling. This behaviour will not get better over time - he's already unhappy with you spending time with your family, he's terrified of the behaviour being outed. Soon it'll be friends you shouldn't be seeing or even going out without his 'permission' or he may want to 'take care' of your finances for you.
This is not behaviour you can reason with, or simply sit down and talk about with him. He treats you like this because he believes he has a right to, and you cannot do the typical relationship-style chat or compromising thing with him, because you are trying to get him to a) take responsibility for his behaviour and b) relinquish his sense of entitlement - it'll always be 'your fault' because you're 'making' him do this.
I'm sure you'll feel a sense of guilt and think, "This isn't fair, everyone's telling me to break it off, but I've only talked about his bad points, he can be kind and sweet too." The sweetness comes as part of the cycle until the abusive behaviour happens again, but the only acceptable level of abuse in a relationship is none. No ifs, no buts.
Have a read of this. I'd also Google Lundy Bancroft and get his book - he has years of experience in the field of abusive relationships.
Just think about this: If someone threatens to break up with you, over little inane shit like you wearing certain pieces of clothing or you doing activities like swimming, does this person really want to be with you for who you are? Or does he just enjoy having power over another person?
I condensed go_aways post to things i very strongly agree with and bolded the parts that struck me as irrevocable true.
Is he under treatment for them?
If not, he needs to be. If he isn't prepared to then get out.
If he is, then you can be supportive and understanding*, but you must not pander to his illness by going along with his demands - you need to be able to say "I knnow that seems reasonable to you, but that's your problem talking"
* and it says a lot about you as a person that you're prepared to do this.
You need to discuss it at some other time than when it happens, and when you're both relaxed. do you share meals? Just after might be a suitable time.
Sounds like he's resisiting treatment. When you're up you feel as though you don't need treatment, and when you're down you feel there's no point, and when you're "normal" you hope it's all over. He is responsible for his mental health. he needs to keep seeing the doctors until together they get his treatment right. You can support and encourage, but until he makes the decision that he wants to get well, nothing is going to work, and if he's not trying I really don't think you're strong enough, at the moment, to help him - he'll just drag you down with him.
Look back at Clemetine_the_tangerine's posts about their partner - it's not the same situation, but the underlying issues are very similar, and you really do need to work out what is best for you first.
Judging from your mental health posts I suppose you latch onto him, because he gives you a (false) sense of companionship and that you "need" him, because without someone to give you attention (even negative attention, because I could not speak of love or appreciation in your situation), you feel like you are nothing.
this is a mistake many people do. I myself am in the middle of escaping it, and it's very hard. You can't see over the edge of the plate now and you are afraid what is beneath it, but I am sure you can imagine that hundreds of people from theSite have been in pretty much your situation and the apparent consensus is that the only working solution is to leave him. Sometimes you have to look past your deceiving emotions and strictly do what would be objectively the best.
It just gets worse with time. Question is, if you want to wait until you are broken and used up.
:yes:
Seriously, you are me a few years back (except I didn't realise my relationship had been abusive until almost a year after we broke up). A controlling partner is not conducive to your own recovery, I actually thought I was going mad at several points throughout my relationship, it was not a happy time. Once I took a big giant leap and actually sorted myself out, life got exponentially better. That's a decision you have to make yourself though, and it is really really hard.