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Oh, and there are plenty of 20-something men on dating sites. It's not like its some big taboo.
I met my partner online and weve been together over 5 years and have kids etc. Best relationship Ive ever had
You're not alone there.
I met my wife on this very website, and that was after becoming friends online and meeting several times. It's just the same as if I'd become friends with her through a social group and then got together with her.
To be honest I have never dated a guy I met in a bar, train or shop either. All the guys I've dated have been guys I've known as friends first. Its the best way I reckon.
Another assue which one of my friends raised is safety issues. Guys I meet online could be anyone. I don't have any local friends I could bring with me when meeting up with these guys.
I did have some friends from school but these friendships have not stood the test of time. I was bullied throughout secondary school and met some really awful people there which puts me off trying to get back into contact with people from school. Also most of us were bussed into school and with my lack of a car and the towns lack of good public transport its not like they would be local friends anyway.
My really good friends were the people I went to university with. Its the only time in my life so far where I met people I fitted in with and felt accepted. However I went to uni in a completely different part of the country so now that I am back in my home town I am not living anywhere near these guys. We stay in touch online and sometimes spend weekends together but obviously I cant meet guys through friends now.
I thought I'd make new friends at home as after uni as I felt more confident about meeting new people. I thought I'd join some kind of local group or volunteer. However local groups are only as good as the local people. My town is one of those places where no one knows their neighbours and people “prefer to keep to themselves”. We have lived on the same street since I was 8 and none of our neighbours have ever spoken to us. People only want to talk to people they already know. If you try and make conversation with someone they just brush you off with one word answers.
There is a serious lack of people my age, possibly because my town has no uni nor any graduate schemes so there is nothing to draw younger adults to the area. There are no local groups for young adults and I don't really fit in with older adults. I found that I could not join in the conversations and I don't think they really wanted a much younger person tagging along with them. I also got sneered at for living with my parents and not having a car. There also aren't many groups in general anyway. I wanted to join a book group but the nearest one I could find was more than an hours drive away.
I cant easily travel to another area to join clubs and make friends as I cant afford a car and the public transport is seriously crap. There are only two “good” bus services. Most of the buses are “old lady” buses that stop running at 3pm which is pretty useless for getting to an evening social. My town (which is in the commuter belt! Not rural!) deserves an award for car dependence.
I reckon if I was just stuck in a town with unfriendly people or just stuck in a town where there is no one my age I'd find some way to make friends but when its both I just think its very unlikely.
Your "list" simply seems to be a written way of expressing what you'd ideally stay away from. These don't have to mean you're too picky, yet you know what you want or what would create an issue for you. SuzyCreamcheese says it well here;
Another good point is where you are looking. You mention you're currently not into online dating, yet if you did sign up having a list can help - as Arctic Roll suggests;
It is hard to make friends locally, especially if your friends all live where you went to university. Why not try and go up there just once a month, and ask them to come to yours once a month? Having a couple of fun nights out can really make a difference.
Have a look at our article on Being back home alone as it could help *hug*
I orginally wanted to move and then find a job but I have to be realistic. I only have enough money to rent for maybe two months until I will be in big trouble if I haven't found work. I'm not prepared to run up a large debt.
Then there is the issue of needing work that pays a living wage. The job I'm in now does not pay enough for me to move out of my parents house. The kind of place I would want to move to would be a busy city and the cost of living in these places is often higher. Most of my friends who live away from their parents rely on their parents to send money so that they can pay their bills. My parents cant afford to do this and I would not feel comfortable asking them to.
Its a difficult situation. For one thing combining working a full time job and doing long distance travelling is exhausting. I'm always tired and cranky at work the week after going away. Its also hard being so far apart. If one of my friends is having an emotional crisis all I can do is comfort them over the phone. I wish I could just throw on my coat and go straight over but obviously I cant when its 4 hours away.
I wish I had local friends but I don't think I live in the right kind of place for meeting new people.
Out of curiousity what part made you think I was being picky?
Have you considered moving North?
I'm not sure if thats the case. I mean when I meet these guys its usually either because I am not attracted to their personality or I feel like the relationship would just be a nightmare but maybe there is an element of me wanting to find someone who I could have an equal relationship with.
What do you guys think? Does a relationship have to be between two equals?
I have one of the best degrees in the country, a nice car, a well paid job, professional qualifications and am well on my way to more of the same. In addition to that I spend on average at least 10 hours a week doing volunteer work.
Does that mean that I see someone as my equal (or better) if they have equal or better academic qualifications to me (in a Science subject, because frankly Arts don't really count), have a job that pays as much (or more) than mine, has at least as nice a car and can match my volunteering time?
For me, no. What it does mean, is that I need someone with interests, who likes *doing* things with their time, and aspirations for their life.
I don't believe for one second that every guy your age in your town is "work shy, uneducated and illeterate"
My town is hardly bustling with trendy, college educated high earners and has it's fair share of the kind of person you refer to, but I know for a fact there are more decent guys than not decent ones. Generally speaking I think that's true everywhere...although of course you can still decide what you find attractive.
Are you sure you WANT to meet people? It's fine if you don't, but tbh reading your posts I am reading a lot of excuses, if you really really wanted to meet people I think you would make the effort to do so, be that travelling or making a few compromises.
If I'm totally honest you are coming across as quite snobby
I'm sure that there are ok guys in my town but I'm damned if I know how you meet them.
Why does it have to be one or the other? EITHER a Jeremy Kyle guy or a university educated demi god with ZERO flaws!
The vast vast vast majority of guys (and girls for that matter) fall in the middle somewhere.
I will use myself as an example. I didn't go to Uni, I don't read, I'm a little overweight, my family are a bit strange and i like the odd drink.
So whilst I'd probably fail the test in the OP, I work bloody hard in my job, consider myself intelligent and generally a decent bloke with plenty to offer someone.
I wouldn't settle for a Jeremy Kyle girl either but neither would i reject someone based purely on family issues or because I didn't deem them to be as smart as I am!
There is nothing wrong with having standards (I think most people look down on some of the people on Jeremy Kyle!) but I think you are slightly OTT...it's almost like you went of to uni and lost touch with the real world!
Ironically I have met plenty of lazy students in my time