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Am I too picky? How can I make myself less picky?
Former Member
Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
A while back I was talking to a friend on facebook. The talk turned to how I have not had a single date since I graduated uni about a year and a half ago. We both agreed that its a lot harder to meet decent guys after uni but she was wondering if I'm too picky. My facebook friend suggested coming up with a list of reasons for why I would not date a guy.
Different age group, probabaly no less than 1 year younger or 10 years older. Maybe if I met an 18 year old that was so mature I did not realize he was only 18 but its unlikely.
Short, maybe less than 5'5. I might want to wear heels and I just don't find super short guys attractive. I mean I would not ask him to stand against a height chart and say 5'4.9, rejected! But I do tend to go for taller guys.
Really bad body odor or breath or anything really smelly.
Uneducated, I'm not saying that I would only date a guy with a degree however if I'm honest I have never met a guy that has not been to uni that I would date. Lack of education or training past school is a bit off putting.
Unemployable. I get that we are in recession and I think people who flat out state that they would not date an unemployed guy are being mean. However a lot of the guys I meet now are people who left school with no qualifications and have never had anything more than a few temporary minimum wage jobs. They have no ambition to better themselves by further study or training and are happy to exist like that. I'm hard working and want to make something of myself.
Criminal record. I know you get stories about nice guys on the wrong path and redemption but in my experience young men with criminal records are usually thugs.
Drug user. Could not be bothered to deal with that.
Alcohol problem. Also could not be bothered to deal with that.
Illiterate. I'm a bit of a bookworm and reading is important to me. Also I don't see how an illiterate person can get on in this world and I don't want to play the role of babysitter in a relationship.
Has children from a past relationship. It would never work in the long run. I would feel like I was sharing my boyfriend with an ex and if we ended up starting a family then our children would have to share their father.
From a really screwed up dysfunctional family and not aware of it. If he was aware of it then maybe we'd find a way to deal but if he just saw that kind of behaviour as normal it would mean we have different values.
Its a longer list than I expected. Am I being too picky? How can I be less picky?
Different age group, probabaly no less than 1 year younger or 10 years older. Maybe if I met an 18 year old that was so mature I did not realize he was only 18 but its unlikely.
Short, maybe less than 5'5. I might want to wear heels and I just don't find super short guys attractive. I mean I would not ask him to stand against a height chart and say 5'4.9, rejected! But I do tend to go for taller guys.
Really bad body odor or breath or anything really smelly.
Uneducated, I'm not saying that I would only date a guy with a degree however if I'm honest I have never met a guy that has not been to uni that I would date. Lack of education or training past school is a bit off putting.
Unemployable. I get that we are in recession and I think people who flat out state that they would not date an unemployed guy are being mean. However a lot of the guys I meet now are people who left school with no qualifications and have never had anything more than a few temporary minimum wage jobs. They have no ambition to better themselves by further study or training and are happy to exist like that. I'm hard working and want to make something of myself.
Criminal record. I know you get stories about nice guys on the wrong path and redemption but in my experience young men with criminal records are usually thugs.
Drug user. Could not be bothered to deal with that.
Alcohol problem. Also could not be bothered to deal with that.
Illiterate. I'm a bit of a bookworm and reading is important to me. Also I don't see how an illiterate person can get on in this world and I don't want to play the role of babysitter in a relationship.
Has children from a past relationship. It would never work in the long run. I would feel like I was sharing my boyfriend with an ex and if we ended up starting a family then our children would have to share their father.
From a really screwed up dysfunctional family and not aware of it. If he was aware of it then maybe we'd find a way to deal but if he just saw that kind of behaviour as normal it would mean we have different values.
Its a longer list than I expected. Am I being too picky? How can I be less picky?
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Comments
Its fine to have an idea of what you do and dont like, but its good to keep an open mind too
This. I never thought I'd end up with someone who hadn't been to uni but my current girlfriend doesn't have A Levels.
It really is harder to meet people after university, unless you're in a very large workplace.
:yes:
I agree with Suzy too.
For example excluding all fathers because you'd sharing him with an ex sounds awfully strange. Even more strange is your statement that it's some kind of a conflict if the man has to divide his love with more than one child. It almost suggests that a parent can only have one child to not need to share affection!
I used to be well picky myself but got bored of it, tossed all pre-determined ideas out the window and went on dates with men I felt I could hold some kind of a conversation with. I did date some losers but ended up finding my husband to be. He is a father and has a family of crazies but is a real gem. I don't share him with his ex nor is it awful for our baby to "share" dad with his sister who dad doesn't even get to meet that much. I think a full brother/sister will be more of a challenge for baby if that ever happens.
I think Suzy got it right, we all have some standards but the trick is not to get trapped in some fantasy world where we are forever waiting for somebody who ticks all the right boxes. It's awfully easy to overlook good people for very shallow reasons.
Its not going to bother all women but its good to be aware in advance if youre likely to find that an issue.
As for the degree. I'm not saying that if I met a guy I liked and then later found out that he had not been to uni it would cause me to change my opinion of him. Its just that I find guys who have been to uni tend to be more my type.
Age is similar, I would not date a guy purely because his birth certificate says he was born in 1992 but most 18 year old guys would not be compatible with most 20 something women. The issue is less about age and more about being at different life stages.
Jaloux, the issue I'd have dating a guy with kids is that I would effectively be sharing him with another womans child. If I had kids with him we would not be able to have our own nuclear family together as he would always be responsible for the other child. For me that would be an issue.
I think the issue with some of these reasons is that I would want to be in a equal relationship where we both contribute rather than feel like I'm looking after someone. I cant help but feel like a lot of the guys such as ones who cant read or ones who refuse to make an effort to get a job would need a lot of looking after.
Who said anything about being physically attractive? I've known plenty of good looking girls. I can count the number I've been genuinely attracted to on two hands.
Incidentally, I think you're conflating education and intelligence. I don't personally give two hoots how many letters a person has or doesn't have after their name. Intelligence and education are not one and the same. I know people who are nominally educated but are idiots and I know people without many formal qualifications who are vastly more intelligent.
Generally I agree with Suzi though.
As for the fatherhood thing, if you have more than one child in the future, then your kids will have to share their parents. Just a thought, even if I can understand the whole ex- thing.
Life ain't that organised I'm afraid . If you like someone then that's all you need to know at any moment in time. Don't measure people up before you get to know them because people are so much more complicated than just a list.
I have record, am a recreational drugs user, never went to uni. And I'm still amazing.
Basically its fine to have things that you look for or things that are definite no-nos, but I would be wary of getting into a situation where you cant see the wood for trees.
If you're being more general- "I want an intelligent man who doesn't have much emotional baggage"- then that's really pretty normal and sensible. But if you're rejecting dates because they don't have a degree, or because they smoke a bit of pot, or because they had a punch up when they were 17, then you're probably being a bit silly if you otherwise think they're normal, stable, attractive and intelligent.
It also depends on where you're looking. I think online dating encourages the checklist approach to dating, as though a mutual love of Rilo Kiley and rose wine guarantees compatibility, which can be helpful but also a hindrance. Often you can find more interesting people when you look for the opposites of what you are.
I didn't say it's unreasonable to want that but the reasons she gave I think are really weird. One thing is not wanting the complications that will follow but suggesting a father can't be shared by two or more children is just a really bizarre view. Maybe it was just very poorly phrased by the OP. I hope so at least.
you are right
Reassuring to know, that you agree with yourself.
From a dating point of view it will inevitably throw up one of these situations, you have to take on the role of mother to a child who is not related to you, you have to share your partner with an ex who will always be a part of his life, he is a jerk who has abandoned his kids and will most likely do the same to you. I'm not keen on any of them.
As for the list thing. I don't apply a rigid list in real life. Obviously my friend suggested coming up with a list so I did. Things like say height, I tend to go for taller men but I'm not getting out the tape measure before getting to know a guy. I tend to go for brainy, bookish guys but I'm not asking them to email me a CV.
Arctic Roll I think you have summed it up in that I am not rejecting nice ordinary guys purely on the basis of one little flaw. I think when I came up with things like not on drugs and no criminal record the guys I had in mind were the kind of guys that are clearly bad news and just seem worse and worse the more you get to know them. Not someone who comes across perfectly nice and stable but smokes weed at parties or did some one off petty crime due as a teen.
Its definately harder to meet guys after uni. I mean single guys your age are fewer and further between for starters.
As a general rule you can though. I think it's reasonable to not want a man with kids from a previous relationship, because no matter how good natured the relationship with the ex, there's still a lot of baggage. Some people don't want the hassle and consider it a deal breaker, some people don't want the hassle but will put up with it for the right man, and some people don't care. Each of those preferences is as valid as another one.
JanePerson, to be honest I think you've got your head screwed on about it all. I wouldn't worry too much, it's so much better to wait for the right person than it is to rush into relationships with people that you don't really like. Better to be single than stuck with someone unsuitable.
It is hard to meet people after uni, especially as people spend so long at work. Have you thought of doing a spot of online dating?
Online dating seems too similar to job hunting and going to job interviews. I imagine on the first date that you'd almost feel as though you have to "sell yourself" to the other person. It would make it very awkward and I reckon I'd just come across as desperate and fake.
Also do you get guys my age on these sites? It doesn't seem like something a twentysomething guy would do unless his mother made him.
Online dating is just another way of meeting people, and you no more have to sell yourself, than when you meet someone new for the first time anywhere else. Its just the usual getting to know someone is done online instead of in person. if you spend much time online anyway, or have online friends, then i dont see the difference,.
But if you were dating online, wouldn't you get to know the person first before you met up?
My online friends are people I know in real life and who I have spent time with. Because we really know each other its a more genuine friendship. No one is really themself when purely online.