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we need help please

2

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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    no not really, i was the one with all the hard work of bringing up 2 boys 13 months apart from each other and also the total responsiblity for the house and all bills and at that time we where loosing the house due to the lack of the morgage being paid, apparently my fault??? i didnt have time for anything to be honest with you
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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    thats no reason to never be happy.
    if you really have never been happy or excited or have ever experience positive feelings about anything in your life, then id say youve got a pretty big problem that is MUCH more of an issue than whether youve got a sex drive or not.

    Do you feel sad, anxious, worried, depressed?
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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    its not about whos fault it is. Its about how youre going to overcome this and start getting a little bit of happiness out of life.

    Do you have a good relationship with your children?
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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Big Gay wrote: »
    I admint it seems a poor show for him not to know that you were not enjoying yourself for all that time - but it seems that you had the attitude that it was all for his benefit - so you probably hid it to keep him happy If you don't know what you want, if you don't have a clue about what arouses you, if you can't be bothered to find out how is he supposed to?

    because i ws doing what i thought i was meant to be doing, letting my husband have sex with me is whats expected, even if it hurt, which i thought was totally normal. its not a case of i cant be bothered to find out, its a case that i just dont have a clue dispite the number of times i have tried i still get not clues,

    If you don't enjoy it no matter what effort he makes why should he bother doing

    because i dont enjoy him hurting me thats why!!! surely if its him thats hurting me then its for him to find a away that it wont hurt me? but to do that means that you have to do something and remeber it!!!




    From your responses here to people trying to help, and from how you report the therapist acted I'd say you seem really aggressively defensive about this (to be fair, I don't blame you about being angry given what you've gone through - but the way you seem to be expressing it isn't helping the situation). I'm not surprised he's reluctant to raise the issue, or try to deal with it when he's tired.

    i find it very hard to talk about something that i dont have a clue about so if you see that as being aggressive then im sorry its not intended that way just me way of giving factual answers to your questions thats all.

    You want to talk about it? make the effort to find a reasonable time to talk about it - and don't put all the blame on him - you're as much, if not more, to blame for your pain.

    yeah i want to talk about it but because of his disinterest and response i get so wound up i get so bad that early evening im nearly sick with the worry, my heart is racing and i have a rock in my stomach feeling simply cause im that afraid to bring it up the only chance i get is when we are in bed and its dark and he cant see me and im shaking laid in bed and then i manage to get something come out my mouth and ask him.

    You want the easy way out? walk out and never have to worry about sex again. Even better convince yourself it's all his fault so you can do it with a clear conscience.

    no i dont want the easy way out, far from it, but what else does he leave me with if this is the way he believes hes doing his part in helping this to be put right?
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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    SuzyCreamcheese wrote: »
    thats no reason to never be happy.
    if you really have never been happy or excited or have ever experience positive feelings about anything in your life, then id say youve got a pretty big problem that is MUCH more of an issue than whether youve got a sex drive or not.

    Do you feel sad, anxious, worried, depressed?

    yeah much of the time, but never felt differently tho either.
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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    SuzyCreamcheese wrote: »
    its not about whos fault it is. Its about how youre going to overcome this and start getting a little bit of happiness out of life.

    Do you have a good relationship with your children?

    no not really, they dont live at home now they have their own places and partners, its rare that i see them unless of course something hs gone wrong and then its to mum for help to fix it, whatever "it" may be
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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    I think it must be very difficult to spend your life living with someone with such severe depression. I dont think you should be too hard on him, especially for something like not being able to give you sexual pleasure, when theres absolutely nothing in life thats ever even made you smile.
    Theres no point worrying about having an orgasm or a good sex life, when you havent even been able to feel joy in some of the most basic natural feel-good things in life such as your babys first smile.

    It seems you feel angry with your husband as though its somehow his responsibility. I dont think it is.
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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    i wonder if antidepressants may benefit you?
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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    out of interest, what do you think when you see other people smiling and laughing?
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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    who else s fault is it then? hes the man that had his mum practically take the kids off me, shes the one that brought them up not me, shes the one that he would turn to for help with them, hes the one that told me that while i was pregnant that i didnt have a sexy bone in my body, and he s right, still dont either. i dont really understand what sexy is meant to be. clean and hair done nice????

    hes the one that couldnt be bothered to take his wife out, hes the one that didnt care if his wife was ill or not or needed help. so yes i feel i have every right to blame him for those things.

    i just got the shitty end of the jobs all the time and blamed when it went wrong thats all
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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    SuzyCreamcheese wrote: »
    i wonder if antidepressants may benefit you?

    oooooooo not going there again, they do strange things to my body, like making leaving the house impossible due to having no warning of needing the toilet!! sorry tmi i know but they really didnt help at all, i was on them because i had a nervous break down when my dad died a few yrs ago

    what do ithink if i see others happy? well to be honest i dont see other people very often, its rare for me to go out unless im going to the shops and then im usually to busy getting on with filling the trolley and then back home again
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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    i can see you havent had an easy time, and its not right for him to say mean things to you, but things are never just the fault of one person. You say you never even felt happiness as a child, so this is a very longstanding issue from before you even met him.
    It doesnt sound like a healthy relationship from either side
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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    it might be worth trying a different antidepressant. There are many many types. Might take a few goes to find one that works for you, and then it could make all the difference to your life.
    You have to want to get better though, for yourself./
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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    i did they tried me on loads of them but they all had really bad side effects, the doctors in the end agreed that the pills where not helping at all, in fact they where making matters worse
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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    so what is it you really want?
    It looks to me liken Nothing is going to make you happy. Youve never experienced a single positive feeling in your life. Only negative, so how are you going to be happy if you dont want to try anything?

    Do you care if your husband is happy or not?
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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    at this exact piont in time? being honest i dont care what he does anymore,

    long term - yes of course i care, as i always have done and put him first in everything,

    i know that contradicting, its hard to explain thts all
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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    I agree with SuzyCreamCheese, given your life of fear and despondency it isn't surprising that you and your body are never ready for sex. And if that's the case it's no surprise that it hurts.

    Ultimately, you have responsibility for your own happiness - you have a reasonable expectation that your husband will try to help, but he can't be happy for you.
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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    how long did you try the antidepressants for?

    some of them have horrible side effects for the first few weeks, then it wears off and they start working
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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    SuzyCreamcheese wrote: »
    so what is it you really want?
    It looks to me liken Nothing is going to make you happy. Youve never experienced a single positive feeling in your life. Only negative, so how are you going to be happy if you dont want to try anything?

    Do you care if your husband is happy or not?

    yes but im stuck arent i? poeple ask me what would it take to make me happy? thats the same to me as asking a blind man for directions to mars, its impossible for me to say isnt it,
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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    SuzyCreamcheese wrote: »
    how long did you try the antidepressants for?

    some of them have horrible side effects for the first few weeks, then it wears off and they start working

    in total i was on them 2 yrs, i tried 8 different types. so took then for some time to see if things would steady up but they never did, one thing tho they where the best diet pills i have ever took because i lost so much weight taking them, what with the not wanting to eat and then the constant diarreha (sp)
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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    but why are you angry with your husband for not doing more to make you happy, when you know perfectly well its a bloody tall order.
    Its like being blind and being cross with him for not making you able to see.

    I think the depression is stopping you from giving medication even a chance
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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    i am so angry with him due to the lies he will repeadely tell that hes doing everything he can to help, is his idea of doing nothing helping? not that i can see because neither of us is leanring a damm thing from that are we.

    plainly speaking if you dont twiddle the knobs dont except the tv to work!!!!
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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    SuzyCreamcheese wrote: »
    but why are you angry with your husband for not doing more to make you happy, when you know perfectly well its a bloody tall order.
    Its like being blind and being cross with him for not making you able to see.

    I think the depression is stopping you from giving medication even a chance


    no the doctors wont even give me the medication for the side effects it gave me, not my doing at all but theirs
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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    failingrepeatedly wrote: »
    plainly speaking if you dont twiddle the knobs dont except the tv to work!!!!

    its not his fault you cant get aroused
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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    its his fault i cant get aroused if he dont try to get me aroused tho!!!
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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    You've already said that he rubs you in places. Which places? Because if it's the places I assume you're talking about, someone rubbing me there would CERTAINLY get me aroused.
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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    frankipanda wrote: »
    You've already said that he rubs you in places. Which places? Because if it's the places I assume you're talking about, someone rubbing me there would CERTAINLY get me aroused.

    bit afriad really as to what i can say or not on here being anewbi and all, so please excuse me if i post more than i should.

    boobs - i end up feeling like i could just slap him its that annoying

    clit - dead as a dodo no feeling at all there other than pressure or temperature change

    vagina - outer give me pain in the same place heading towards the skin the cut having a baby

    vagina - inner no feeling at all might aswell be poking my ears
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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    failingrepeatedly wrote: »
    bit afriad really as to what i can say or not on here being anewbi and all, so please excuse me if i post more than i should.

    boobs - i end up feeling like i could just slap him its that annoying

    clit - dead as a dodo no feeling at all there other than pressure or temperature change

    vagina - outer give me pain in the same place heading towards the skin the cut having a baby

    vagina - inner no feeling at all might aswell be poking my ears
    In that case it's not his fault at all. He is clearly trying if he's trying to stimulate you there, since those are all the usual places.

    (Incidentally, ears are an erogenous zone as well (particularly for me), so your last comment made me smile to myself a little, sorry >.<)
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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    it is his fault tho!!!! he knows where hes touching is giving me pain, and each and every time he repeadedly touch the same place and then its like he didnt know and its the first hes heard me tell him that!!!!


    ok then for you i will change that to shoving a finger up my nose has the same effect
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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    failingrepeatedly wrote: »
    bit afriad really as to what i can say or not on here being anewbi and all, so please excuse me if i post more than i should.

    boobs - i end up feeling like i could just slap him its that annoying

    clit - dead as a dodo no feeling at all there other than pressure or temperature change

    vagina - outer give me pain in the same place heading towards the skin the cut having a baby

    vagina - inner no feeling at all might aswell be poking my ears

    what do you expect him to do, if all your erogenous zones dont work?
    If my partner never got aroused, never ever smiled, never got happy at anything i did, i think id have given up trying a hell of a lot earlier than 26 years ago.
    I think rather than be cross with him because he doesnt arouse you, maybe feel grateful that hes stuck by you so long. Hes obviously a commited man
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