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we need help please
Former Member
Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
first of all i want to apologise if this is in the wrong place, feel free to move it more suitable
secondly i know this might be a long read, but all is relevant so please bear with me.
ok married 28 yrs, im 46 hes 49 we are each others first and onlys!
we started having sex when i was 15, to be honest i never understood what all the fuss was about and found it kinda boring but it seemed to make him happy so we carried on until one day we got caught by my parents and i was thrown out the house, i moved in with him and his mum til i found somewhere to live.
we eventually got married when i was 18 and had our first of 3 kids by the time i was 19, at that point i became a stay at home mum.
life was hard we had our problems financially etc etc as many do, we hardly went out, devoted our time to the kids and his work.
eventually i got a job when the kids left school, i was working away from home most the time during the week then and one night a work mate raped me, our sex life til that point had been done purely on a if and when he wanted basis, and more of something that kept the peace.
i didnt say anything to anyone regarding being raped for 10 yrs til one day we sat and talked about the situation we where in and he was going to leave due to the fact that he felt i didnt love him, we never had sex any more, this was due to pain that i was having from the very first time we ever did anything, so i eventually told him what had happened.
wow, that changed everything in his eyes!! why didnt i tell him, i needed to seee the doctor to sort the pain out, which to be honest til that point i thought was a normal part of sex!!
off i went to see the doc to find that my pain issue was to do with no arousal, no orgasn, feeling nothing to be honest. boy did i have my eyes opened that day!!
i can home in shock at the things i had been told, here i was a married mum aged 35 to find out for the firsttime what a clit was and that women had orgasms, etcetc and worse of all i had to find that out from my doc!!
of course i told him what she had said and he was in total shock that i didnt already know these things, he assumed til then that i felt everything the same as he did about sex and during it, to the point that he assumed that i had orgasms just like he did.
appointments where made to see many different specialists and therapists to get this sorted out, but as time has gone by, and ihave heard every single excuse under the sun from him now, i dont trust a single word he says anymore and the promises that hes made are seemingly only on a short timescale,
we are now at thepoint where he doesnt even get an erection anymore, he has no interest in having sex with me, says its because whats the point when i dont feel anything other than pain. Well hello, the pain is caused by him repeatedly hurting me!!! i tell him but it makes no difference, he says sorry, then the next time he does it again!!
i still have no idea of what being aroused is or what would get me aroused, still never experieced an orgasm and to be honest i doubt i ever will. we have done all the therapy and see all the docs, and not one thing has changed in me at all. we have tried all the vibs etc etc etc
do i have to accept that i just wasnt designed to have sex and that hes stuck with me like this if he wishes to continue remaining faithful to me?
i feel so hurt by all of this, the half hearted attempts from him the lack of any interest unless its for meeting his needs,
please dont say we need to talk about this, communication is not helping one bit, i sit here during the day and try my hardest to open the subject with him and im scared stiff, i mean really scared ok to the point that im nearly sick with worry, my heart is racing and my stomach is like a rock and i shake, and when i do manage to start talking to him its usually when we are in bad and its dark, oh btw he NEVER brings the subject up ever!!! well apart from that one time where he was going to leave. i then get all the sacrsim and nastyness from him regarding why did i leave it so late and that he has work in 6 hrs time and hes exhausted etc etc, but the following day he would never say ok lets talk then at a more decent time, the tv is far more important!!!!
can anyone please help?
secondly i know this might be a long read, but all is relevant so please bear with me.
ok married 28 yrs, im 46 hes 49 we are each others first and onlys!
we started having sex when i was 15, to be honest i never understood what all the fuss was about and found it kinda boring but it seemed to make him happy so we carried on until one day we got caught by my parents and i was thrown out the house, i moved in with him and his mum til i found somewhere to live.
we eventually got married when i was 18 and had our first of 3 kids by the time i was 19, at that point i became a stay at home mum.
life was hard we had our problems financially etc etc as many do, we hardly went out, devoted our time to the kids and his work.
eventually i got a job when the kids left school, i was working away from home most the time during the week then and one night a work mate raped me, our sex life til that point had been done purely on a if and when he wanted basis, and more of something that kept the peace.
i didnt say anything to anyone regarding being raped for 10 yrs til one day we sat and talked about the situation we where in and he was going to leave due to the fact that he felt i didnt love him, we never had sex any more, this was due to pain that i was having from the very first time we ever did anything, so i eventually told him what had happened.
wow, that changed everything in his eyes!! why didnt i tell him, i needed to seee the doctor to sort the pain out, which to be honest til that point i thought was a normal part of sex!!
off i went to see the doc to find that my pain issue was to do with no arousal, no orgasn, feeling nothing to be honest. boy did i have my eyes opened that day!!
i can home in shock at the things i had been told, here i was a married mum aged 35 to find out for the firsttime what a clit was and that women had orgasms, etcetc and worse of all i had to find that out from my doc!!
of course i told him what she had said and he was in total shock that i didnt already know these things, he assumed til then that i felt everything the same as he did about sex and during it, to the point that he assumed that i had orgasms just like he did.
appointments where made to see many different specialists and therapists to get this sorted out, but as time has gone by, and ihave heard every single excuse under the sun from him now, i dont trust a single word he says anymore and the promises that hes made are seemingly only on a short timescale,
we are now at thepoint where he doesnt even get an erection anymore, he has no interest in having sex with me, says its because whats the point when i dont feel anything other than pain. Well hello, the pain is caused by him repeatedly hurting me!!! i tell him but it makes no difference, he says sorry, then the next time he does it again!!
i still have no idea of what being aroused is or what would get me aroused, still never experieced an orgasm and to be honest i doubt i ever will. we have done all the therapy and see all the docs, and not one thing has changed in me at all. we have tried all the vibs etc etc etc
do i have to accept that i just wasnt designed to have sex and that hes stuck with me like this if he wishes to continue remaining faithful to me?
i feel so hurt by all of this, the half hearted attempts from him the lack of any interest unless its for meeting his needs,
please dont say we need to talk about this, communication is not helping one bit, i sit here during the day and try my hardest to open the subject with him and im scared stiff, i mean really scared ok to the point that im nearly sick with worry, my heart is racing and my stomach is like a rock and i shake, and when i do manage to start talking to him its usually when we are in bad and its dark, oh btw he NEVER brings the subject up ever!!! well apart from that one time where he was going to leave. i then get all the sacrsim and nastyness from him regarding why did i leave it so late and that he has work in 6 hrs time and hes exhausted etc etc, but the following day he would never say ok lets talk then at a more decent time, the tv is far more important!!!!
can anyone please help?
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Comments
First of all, well done for articulating everything in a post like this; it sounds like a lot has happened and it's often difficult to get the complexities of problems like this across.
The first thing I'd say is that you went through a very scarring experience when you were raped; the effects of rape are not just physical and although it was good that you spoke to the doctor about the pain you were experiencing during sex, I think it's left some significant emotional scars as well. It might be worth seeking some therapy to try and come to terms with how it's made you feel about yourself, your body, and about sex and its place in your life.
When you and your husband do have sex, you say it's mainly for his benefit and that you only do it 'to keep the peace'. This is not what sex is about; it should be a celebration of how tyou feel about each other, enjoyable for both of you, and there should be equal amounts of give and take between partners. AND it can be lots of fun, too! Have you ever tried spending an evening just on foreplay? Does he ever spend time focusing just on your body and your needs?
Many women only orgasm after spending time getting to know their own bodies and when feeling safe and secure in a sexual situation. I'd say this would be a place to start - try exploring your own body and what feels good through masturbation on your own, and then once you've got an idea of what works for you, ask your husband if he'll work with you by paying special attention to your body before sex (or even without any sex at all at the end - might take the pressure off). You've built up a clear pattern throughout your marriage though, so although I know you don't want to hear it, it will take some more communication for him to understand what it is you need and why it's so important to you.
while the rape happened some years back this problem as been going on from when we got married some 28 yrs ago and if im honest was going on before we got married, im not discounting the rape as such but it has no bearing on what is happening now.
When you and your husband do have sex, you say it's mainly for his benefit and that you only do it 'to keep the peace'. This is not what sex is about; it should be a celebration of how tyou feel about each other, enjoyable for both of you, and there should be equal amounts of give and take between partners. AND it can be lots of fun, too! Have you ever tried spending an evening just on foreplay? Does he ever spend time focusing just on your body and your needs?
sex is not and never has been fun, its been a scary event that involves a lot of pain for me, pain that until 8 yrs back i thought was a normal part of sex, i didnt know any different ly back then, as for foreplay what on earth is that? yeah ok he will kiss me for a bit and then grab or rub bits of me, but to be honest i cant stand it, i know if he carries on im going to be the one hurting again at somepoint during the next few hrs, so i tend just try to stop it and get up and do anything else i can think of, i pray that something such as the phone will ring or a knock at the door or any disstraction happens, it never does tho.
oh if you where to ask my husband, all he ever does lately is focus on what i want!!! oh yeah? how? you dont have aclue what i want dear, you never bother to take any notice and find out,
Many women only orgasm after spending time getting to know their own bodies and when feeling safe and secure in a sexual situation. I'd say this would be a place to start - try exploring your own body and what feels good through masturbation on your own, and then once you've got an idea of what works for you, ask your husband if he'll work with you by paying special attention to your body before sex (or even without any sex at all at the end - might take the pressure off). You've built up a clear pattern throughout your marriage though, so although I know you don't want to hear it, it will take some more communication for him to understand what it is you need and why it's so important to you.
tried that and to be honest its just me poking and rubbing bits and nothing happening and i get bored and fed up of trying it, same with using a vib too, it just buzzes endlessly as for asking him to do anything,, hahahah your kidding arent you, i asked him wednesday night what was the matter and why he wasnt interested in making love forthe last 5 months, all i got was its too late and i have to be up for work in 6 hrs, last night he came home and was like nothing had been said, he will not bring it up unless i say something, the next thing i will say to him will include the words "where do you want your things sending, as im giving him over the weekend to finally open his mouth and talk to me about this and if he dont then hes out, i have really had enough of this torture.
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my husband sat there in the office and listened to everything she had to say and was agreeing with her instructions etc etc but as soon as we came home, forget that im doing as i normally do, same with giving him books to read about the subject, yeah sure he read them trouble is he did his version of the instructions, claiming that he was doing what it suggested!!!!
while he gets what he wants out of this relationship then he will carry on, hence why i have come to the frame of mind where if he dont address this then hes out of here come monday morning
maybe you need to have your hormone levels checked
they where checked at the start of all this 8 yrs back and where normal and have been checked since then and are still normal
I can understand that you're frustrated but people here are only trying to help - you're not going to make it any easier by calling them daft.
...I think that's pretty plain English?
all i get off him is welll if im doing it wrong then tell me what to do, hello dear, i havent got a clue what you should do because i have only been with you and dont know any differently and never had anything differently and the only thing i can say to you is dont do this or that because it hurts.
thats no totally correct, only time i feel anything down there is when im on my period and then its just sort of nagging headache type pain
Im assuming that at some point in your life, youve felt excited about something to the point that youve really wanted to do it or explore it further. Not just sexually. Maybe like really really felt like you wanted a holiday.
Sexual arousal is when youve felt excited by your partner or someone of special interest to you to the point where youve really wanted to be intimate with them.
The reason why im asking, is because if youve felt this before, then it may not be a problem with you, it may be a problem with your relationship, but if youve never felt anything like that at all, ever, then the problem may be physiological or psychological with you, and nothing to do with your husbands technique
as for looking up what being aroused is then i have tried for the last few years and cant get a stright answer as it makes assuptions and i end up going around in circles
no? never? do you ever feel happy?
Im a bit confused as to why you got married if youve never felt aroused or excited by your partner in anyway?
pregnancy i was mainly afriad of what was going to happen, sick most the time, spent about 4 months in bed due to being ill, then ended up with every proceedure they could do on me resulting in a c section to get the baby out.
why did we get married if i didnt feel aroused? because i didnt know that i was meant to feel anything
i dont know what your meaning, sorry.
If you had to devote a day to things you really enjoy and that give you pleasure, would there be anything?
If you don't enjoy it no matter what effort he makes why should he bother doing
From your responses here to people trying to help, and from how you report the therapist acted I'd say you seem really aggressively defensive about this (to be fair, I don't blame you about being angry given what you've gone through - but the way you seem to be expressing it isn't helping the situation). I'm not surprised he's reluctant to raise the issue, or try to deal with it when he's tired.
You want to talk about it? make the effort to find a reasonable time to talk about it - and don't put all the blame on him - you're as much, if not more, to blame for your pain.
You want the easy way out? walk out and never have to worry about sex again. Even better convince yourself it's all his fault so you can do it with a clear conscience.