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look, 28 yrs ago if he had took the time to find out and take more notice whenw e where having sex that things wherent as they should have been, and if he had bothered to speak to me and find out how little i knew, and what i understood to be normal, and inform me that it wasnt, then back then we could have done something about it and perhaps he wouldnt have got himself into this bad habit of doing sex the same way each and every time that causes me pain, but back then the man still had this thing that he doesnt need to talk to me and that sitting in front the tv night after night and never speaking to his wife is ok, that its ok to land everything on his wife and blame her for when things go wrong, well being honest with you all, and dont take this the way its coming out ok, i got a job that involved me working away from home most the week because i couldnt take much more of him around me as we where back then small doses of a weekend i could handle, and that was when i got raped at work, if i hadnt gone a way to work i wouldnt have got raped. however none of this would ever have come up and we would still have been having sex blindly with me in pain and avoiding him as much as possible
If your husband has put up with this, he's a very committed man, and it sounds like he's allowed you to make him the bad guy in your life. You're playing the poor, hard-done-by victim in every last area of what you've spoken about, and if that's what you're committed to then there's nothing anyone here can do to help.
I'd suggest you spend half an hour actively looking for what YOUR responsibility might be in all of this - what YOU can do to change things. And before you say you've done that for years, try it again - because if the last however many years have been spent getting shitty with everyone who reaches out to support you, you haven't tried at all.
yes he lost his virginity to me as did i but, he had a lot of girlfriends and had far more expreince than i did, he wa smy first for eveyrthing
And how is he supposed to know that things weren't right? He's not a mind reader, and he isn't going to KNOW that it's causing you pain or discomfort unless you say something.
Christ, when sex causes ME pain (which it does if I'm not relaxed properly, and it became a big issue in my last relationship), I wince and even then some boys don't bloody notice. You have to SAY something.
well seeing as i thought pain was normal, why would i have questioned having pain, why else did you see then girls having sex in films making that noise, sounded like they where in pain to me!!
lack of arousal - i had never heard the term aroused before the last few yrs,
my lack of instructing him what to do? i thought he ws doing what he was meant to be doing, he seemed to be happy enough about it. i thought i had made it very clear to him regarding the pain by shouting ouch when he did something that hurt
as i said above i did say something repeadedly i would yell at him sometimes that it got to much for me to take anymore, but i thought the pain was normal and that all girls had this, hence my previous remark
But that doesn't mean it's necessarily his fault.
The thing which caused the pain for me was a) lack of lubrication and b) not being able to relax fully (which was part of the reason for a)). It sounds like these are both a problem for you, given your lack of arousal. But if he'd never been with a woman before you, he wasn't to know that the lack of lubrication wasn't normal, and that the tightness which is inevitable if you can't relax isn't normal either.
As Suzy says, if him touching you in the usual erogenous zones didn't provoke any kind of sensory reaction out of you more than being touched in a completely random place, then it's not an issue with him that caused the pain or discomfort.
Have you tried relaxation techniques?
yes we did that for months on end, every week went back to the therapsit and she wanted a report of what happened, erm well he rubbed me for the 30 mins a side like you said, and? and what?
If youve never felt pleasure or happiness, then you need to work on that, and discovering simple pleasures in life before you even START to think about whether you can get off on sex.
I think maybe you should try and think of a few occasions in your life when youve liked something.
maybe the smell of a flower you like. A book you may have read that made you smile. The first time you saw your child, the first time they called you mama. The refreshing feel of a nice cool drink on a hot day. A cute picture of a kitten, anything
tell me something, no matter how small, that made you feel good
ok will try to answer, cant remeber the firsttime i saw my first baby or even when he started to speak or walk, i honestly cant say or think of anything that has made me smile lately.
sensate focus is when you are meant to take it in turns massaging each other for 15 mins a side each, he was ok could do it although it was more lke a sports rub down, when it was my turn i just froze, started shaking and crying because i just couldnt do it, you see your only meant to rub areas that are of interest to you or do something for the person doing the touching, i just couldnt do anything skin is skin is skin to me ok some bits have hair on them some dont but thats it its skin and nothing more
oh one more thing about it was that you couldnt touch either chest or genitals at all for several weeks, well without that i had nothing to do, i just didnt know what on earth he wanted from me then
do you want to stay with him?
well lets just say that last night was spent in different rooms with a veiw to me leaving over the weekend at some point in time once i have got my things sorted out, thankfully we have a caravan and i have somewhere to go with that, he refused that he would leave the house so thats my only option. only trouble with that is that one of our pups has an operation planned for tuesday and she is going to be really in pain etc etc etc and im concerned that i wont be able to look after her properly away from home. oh welll i just have to make the best of it and hope shes going to be ok wont i?