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Personally I'd say that buying an apartment and having children is a bigger risk factor in a relationship falling apart than marriage. In essence, marriage is just a legal paper giving people certain rights. You don't even have to tell anyone about it.
I'm saying this as someone who did think of it as useless and I actually live in a country where the rights of cohabiting couples are pretty close to marriage except when it comes to inheritance. After meeting my bloke I did re-think it and we discussed it quite a few times. My main motive for changing my mind was very unromantic and based on the fact I wanted to have children and he doesn't want to have children without getting married. His reasons are just as unromantic.
Speaking for myself I'd say that my pregnancy has put a much bigger strain on our relationship than marriage plans/discussions (and those always include me agonizing over not wanting his shite relatives around). A relationship that falls apart over marriage talk probably wasn't a very solid relationship to begin with.
I'd like to add that I believe that some people get too hooked up on the seeming importance of marriage as some big declaration of undying love and that the relationship needs it to be real, etc. I just don't think in blah's case she's being unreasonable by wanting to get married if they plan to have children in the future. Or to discuss what his views are. It's just sad that a legit question turned into something entirely different than an innocent conversation about what they want in their future.
my bloke isn't a nasty guy arctic roll, he honestly isn't. i've been with some proper nasty guys in the past, he isn't one of them. i wouldn't have bought a house with him otherwise and i wouldn't want to marry him if that was the case. i do have some respect for myself.
we've both had a proper chat today about it as we've both calmed down. he has apologised for his behaviour. he realises he was wrong and he is sorry for upsetting me. he told me he loved me and he does want us to get married. he told me he reacted the way he did because he felt as though he couldn't propose to me next month now because it would look like i'd pressurised him into doing it. he told me he was frustrated and that is why he told me. whether or not that is true, i don't know. i'm never going to know. i can't read his mind unfortunately. he told me he was upset because i didn't know what he wanted, it wasn't obvious how he felt about me? i can't read his mind!!! he thinks its something people don't need to talk about though. he has always been a bit like this...unable to talk about how he feels sometimes. he has been like it since the day i met him so i can't really complain. i can't expect him to change. its part of who he is. he has never really had what i would call a serious relationship (just lots of short things) before me so i don't think he is really used to having to be serious. i think that sometimes, when it comes to relationships, he is still a little bit immature although he is mature in every other way.
to be completely honest with you, i think the thought of spending so much money on one day scares him because it will be us paying for it. i think thats what it comes down to. although i'd be happy with a small quiet wedding with only close family and friends there, its not really possible. he has a huge family and he would have to invite them all because of how his family is. his sister has just got married and it stressed the whole family out organising it. it wouldn't be a cheap day and there would be alot of stress involved organising it. our families live so far apart. i am from up north, he is from down south! he's more into investing money in our future. like, at the moment, he is saving up for our next house so we can have children in a few years time.
its probably my fault he reacted the way i did. i am not the best person with words. i might have come across as a bit pushy. i don't know.
we've sorted things now anyway. things are okay. i feel alot better about things now i have had a proper chat with him.
Im glad youre sorting it out
My fiance proposed after over 9 years. After years of blowing hot and cold - sometimes asking 'if we got married, where would it be/would you take my name/what would we have for our first dance', other times stating confidently, 'I don't see the point in marriage'! In the end he took me aside at a friend's wedding reception last year, gave a slightly rambling speech and asked me to marry him! Apparently he had spent years trying to put me off the scent so he could do a big, planned, romantic proposal on our tenth anniversary, but as it happened he got caught up in the moment, completely unprepared, at an Alice in Wonderland themed wedding at a posh campsite!
No matter.
As for the cost of the wedding, it really does come down to what you want from your day. If you want an all-singing all dancing wedding it will cost a lot of money, but it doesn't have to be like that. Our actual wedding day cost less than £5000, including a full sit-down breakfast and an evening buffet, and we had 85 people at the wedding and over 200 at the evening do (although we didn't cater for 200). If you just want it to be a few close friends and family then you could do it for significantly less than that.
The cost is basically £200 or so for the registry office or Church and then anything else depends on your taste.
it is yes because i want children. i want to be married before having children. its not that i think having children outside of marriage is bad, its just that personally, i want to be married before having them. tradition and all that. i would like my "boyfriend" to be my "husband" when i have his babies, lol.
we have since spoken about getting married quite alot and we have pretty much decided to get married before we move house in 2014 so we'll be getting married in the next few years hopefully so i've just got to wait for the big proposal
i think the thing that concerns him is the cost of getting married. he doesn't want to spend loads of money because having a bigger house/having enough money to provide for his family is more important to him. a wedding is only one day afterall. he doesn't want us to struggle when we do finally have kids. i can see his point but a wedding doesn't have to cost loads of money. i think the cost worries him because his sister got married last year and it cost about £20k with the honeymoon. i don't think he realises you can get married for alot less, lol.
the proposal?
whenever he does propose, it will be a surprise because i have no idea when he is going to do it. tbh, i feel 100 x better knowing we want the same things in life as it was something that was really bothering me so i am glad i spoke to him about it. sure, it didn't exactly go well at the time but its worked out now
if you meant the date, well, i would want to get married before having children anyway and i plan on starting to "try" for kids as soon as we move.
just feel much happier now