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With you saying you're a traditionalist with him proposing to you, and you couldn't do it because you might think he was only saying yes to please you - is marriage actually right for you?
blah - I'm basing this a lot on my experiences with my ex, but I would bet my [something valuable] on the fact that he had absolutely no intention of proposing to you and this is just his way of manipulating the situation (because it's all your fault now and you feel like shit). I mean, most people who would actually be proposing in a month wouldn't have initially reacted in the way that he did - if that was me and I was planning it, and my partner raised the issue, I would have said, "Yes, maybe one day, I'd like that. Hey, let's go and get ice cream!" It just sounds very odd to me and is ringing some very familiar alarm bells.
My ex (after 3 years together) wouldn't even entertain any discussions about marriage or settling down. If I ever brought it up, he would say I was putting pressure on him and generally treating me as if I was doing a Glenn Close in Fatal Attraction when all I wanted was for us to clarify our feelings on the matter. When you're in your mid-20s and in a long-term relationship - it's really not an unreasonable suggestion.
When things in our relationship took a turn for the worst, he told me had I not 'ruined things' he would have proposed at Christmas and gave me a nice convoluted story of how it was going to happen. Would it have happened? Would it feck.
So yeah, I'm looking at things with my cynical cap on, but at worst he is manipulating you, at best - he really was going to propose but has reacted to your conversation in a really odd way. Their proposal was 'ruined' simply because you brought the subject of marriage up? WTF? Hell, after years together, I would *want* to know how my partner felt about marriage because I sure as hell wouldn't want to be turned down.
Welcome to a man's world..
you might have a point.
this followed him stating that us saving up for our new house is more important (we aren't moving for another 3.5-4 years though at least!!!!!) and we can't afford to get married.
then again, he really isn't the sort of person to manipulate someone. he's a nice guy.
starting to calm down a bit now. still absolutely gutted though.
i'm ready to make that committment to him.
i'm just going to try and forget about it. i'm getting myself too upset
ohh and just let him know that there are some really good deals on rings in thailand.
or, you sound like you have a problem with marriage...
thanks for the comments everyone.
suppose i got what i deserved by asking. i always manage to ruin things. serves me right for opening my big gob.
am just going to keep quiet about it now and see what happens.
not sure i'm going to enjoy my holiday now. just going to be thinking what could have been
I'm the world's worst man at keeping surprises, but even I wouldn't tell you that I was planning something if I thought you were on to it. In response to a direct quetsion about whether I wanted to marry, I'd have mumbled something about some day, maybe, who knows and then gone beetroot red. I wouldn't have thrown my toys out of my pram like some sort of fucking toddler and then, some time later, come out with some cock and bull story about how I was going to propose and YOU RUINED IT YOU BITCH YOU DID.
I don't care how "nice" he is, that is extremely odd behaviour, if not downright sinister behaviour.
I am inclined to agree with this and go_away's post.
I think it's actually very rude of him to react this way to a legit discussion opener about where you two are headed. To say you ruined something for him is just really weird and in my opinion, hurtful.
Him not wanting to talk about it at all and just throwing dirt your way also suggests you've thrown him off balance because it's not something he's been thinking of. I think most people's reaction if somebody starts digging around when it comes to future surprises is to try to distract the person in question, not blame them and get angry!
After some time together it's natural to want to compare notes and figure out how you wish to plan your future. Today people do have different views on whether they even want to get married or not. It's not unreasonable to discuss that just like you would discuss children or whether to buy a place to live together.
You're being way too hard on yourself on this one, it's not right for your boyfriend to behave like he has done on the matter.
my boyfriend does have an odd way of behaving sometimes. he doesn't always want to talk about how he feels, etc and i'm guessing this is one of those subjects he also doesn't like talking about. he said he was upset last night that i even asked him about marriage because he thought he'd made it pretty clear he did want it as we've spoken about kids, buying our next house, etc. he said its one of those sort of things people don't talk about or plan (i don't want it planned, i just wanted to talk about our future!!!) and when it happens, it happens.
guess i'm just going to have to live with the fact that he was going to propose and he now he isn't. i'm finding that pretty hard to be honest and i pretty much hate myself right now.
i'm not going to bring up the subject again and just leave it. another life lesson learnt there eh?!! lol.
haven't slept a wink and i've got to work a 2-midnight shift today, bahhhh.
I dont know how you had ruined it?
i agree with whoever said he wasnt going to propose at all. Hes just trying to make you feel bad for asking him.
Bet you any money
:yes: I don't understand how exactly you ruined it?
just feel as though i've ruined everything.
I think he is playing on the fact that you always seem to feel bad for it being your fault, when its infact his.
Umm, no. This isn't how relationships work. You calmly discuss, negotiate, try and compromise and work towards something that honours you as a partnership (even when there's conflict, it's perfectly OK to make your feelings known). "This is how it's going to be, deal with it, end of," is not good enough. Sorry blah, but it just isn't. And what exactly are you supposed to 'learn'? Not to bug him about things that he doesn't want to acknowledge or fear the 'consequences'? Is this how you want to spend the rest of your life with someone? Take it from me when I say it does not get better and it does not change.
So what's the outcome now? You feel like shit, worrying about what you've done and now have to walk on eggshells, never bringing up anything that could potentially rock the boat? This isn't even about the marriage proposal anymore, whether it may or may not have happened. I think what he did was really cruel and now it's convenient that this is all your problem :no:
The person you want to spend the rest of your life with should make you feel great about yourself, not like shit.
I've known of one other man who treated his partner in such a disgusting way. He was one of these who proposes straight away, rather than never, but then he went and jilted her three weeks before her wedding, after spending months hitting on my wife every time I was away from home.
Partnerships are based on mutual respect and honesty. If he doesn't want to marry you, for whatever reason, he should just bloody well say so. The fact that he is prepared to speak to you in such a petulant and abusive way is a REALLY BAD SIGN and you'd do well to "learn something from it" and tell him to go stick the relationship up his arse sideways.
If he doesn't want to marry that is one thing, but being a complete arsehole about it is quite another. If he was a decent human being he'd be explaining why he doesn't want to do it, not trying to pin the blame on you.
I'll give you an example from earlier in my relationship, before we were married. GWST wanted us to buy a house together and I didn't want to. I was adamant I just wanted to rent first, for various reasons, but instead of saying STOP NAGGING ME YOU COW we discussed the reasons and decided it was best to wait. With hindsight she was right, house prices sky-rocketed in the 18 months we waited, but the fact is we discussed it as mature adults.