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no xmas gift
Former Member
Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
my friend with benefits of 6 months informed me yesterday, when i called and asked him when would be a good time to stop by with his xmas gift, that he had not gotten me anything.
how do i react to this? i am not his girlfriend, but i was stunned. it's xmas, not valentines day, which would be a non issue in this relationship.
do i tell him how hurt i am? i feel like telling him he might as well have spit in my face, because it would show the same amount of disdain and lack of respect he must have for me as a friend, sex partner and person.
should i say anything?
i know the hurt will show on my face, i cannot hide my feelings well.
anyone have ideas on how i should react tomorrow when i give him his gift? i can't take it back, i wrote something in it...it's just a 10$ book.
i feel as though i am purposesly being treated like a nonentity here, though i recently asked him if he wanted to end this and he said no.
help! how should i react?
how do i react to this? i am not his girlfriend, but i was stunned. it's xmas, not valentines day, which would be a non issue in this relationship.
do i tell him how hurt i am? i feel like telling him he might as well have spit in my face, because it would show the same amount of disdain and lack of respect he must have for me as a friend, sex partner and person.
should i say anything?
i know the hurt will show on my face, i cannot hide my feelings well.
anyone have ideas on how i should react tomorrow when i give him his gift? i can't take it back, i wrote something in it...it's just a 10$ book.
i feel as though i am purposesly being treated like a nonentity here, though i recently asked him if he wanted to end this and he said no.
help! how should i react?
0
Comments
He's not got you one - that's probably what he does for his friends this time of year.
If he does get friends gifts, but not you, then you should feel upset, otherwise - you need to examine why you feel he should treat you differently to his other friends.
i thought if i could plan the appropriate reaction ahead of time, it will avoid me bursting into tears, or worse, being really angry about it. because right now i am both.
Word of advice, go find yourself a boyfriend cos this friend with benefits thing isn't working for you.
:yes: Friends with benefits usually misses out what you seem to want.
i doubt when this ends, i will engage in this kind of behaviour again. but still, the hurt is there, and i need advice on how to react in a way that will show him how hurt and pissed off i am without turning it into major disaster
but to treat me as a non entity at xmas...it just really really bothers me, and i don't want to overreact, so that's why i am asking advice from everyone who would like to share some.
The fact you are so bothered suggests to me that he's more than just a friend to you. And apart from that, plenty of people don't get people presents at Christmas, it's not a big deal and it doesn't particularly mean anything.
If you are that bothered then just tell him, but I'm not sure what he's going to tell you and how it'll help. If he rushes out and buys you a present, it'll probably because he feels forced to. Although, if I was in his situation and had my 'friend' moan because I hadn't got them a Christmas present, i'd probably run a mile, because to me, having a 'friend' is a casual thing, mainly to do with sex, and wouldn't warrant a Chrsitmas present.
i have a lot of things to worry about, trust me. this fwb provides me with worry free space. i don't think about my problems there, i just have fun.
and no, he isn't more to me. i doubt if we could spend a week together without hating each other at the end of it.
one day a week is perfect. it's just that xmas to me is for showing friends, particularly close and or special friends that you care. i wouldn't give a damn if it was a pack of smokes with a bow on it, it's the principle of the thing.
so far general consensus is i am overreacting....that's good, i guess, because really the way i feel is very confusing to me. i didn't think it would be such a big deal to me, but i can't get it out of my mind since he mentioned it.
so..i guess the thing to do is act like nothing is wrong? and that it doesn't bother me? and not say anything about it?
did i get that right?
Personally I don't think you should continue living a life like this, leave your husband or make it work but don't stray as you are unhappy with your marriage. All that will lead to is further upset as has happened with your 'friend'. Working nights does not mean that you won't find anyone else either.
particularly of note, like, I don't know, going to the movies. If a 'cinema buddy' didn't
buy you a gift, would you be as bothered..?
Like Kat said, he seems maybe a little more than just a 'friend' to you.
as far as my fwb coming up with a xmas gift several days later..i wouldn't accept it. i don't want a "guilt" gift, that is not the issue.
we trade books all the time, and my husband knows that, so it wouldn't be that difficult to give me a book, it would never be questioned.
the issue is, i guess, i don't understand how you cannot even consider a xmas gift for a special friend. that is what is bothering me.
and i need opinions from all of you to see if i am just overreacting to the whole thing.
keep them coming, every one has been very very helpful. i have never been in this situation before, so i guess i am confused as to how this should go
I don't want to sound horrible or over step the mark but it sounds more like you love things about your husband not that you actually love him. If that makes sense?
you could be right in a way. i've never in my life slept with anyone who wasn't a boyfriend at the time, usually after a month or more of dating, maybe i have somehow blurred the lines in my mind.
i have also, as i said never cheated on anyone before, so maybe that's just more line blurring.
i know i couldn't be with him 24/7, nor would i want to be.
and no, i wouldn't be upset if a movie buddy didn't get me anything.
so thank you grace, you have made a good point that has made me think, as have the rest of you.
maybe, after 19 years of marriage, it's just the thrill of being desired by someone else, i don't know.
guess it's kind of stupid of me to be upset over such a little thing, but it is not the way i deal with xmas....i've always given my closest friend, male or female, sex or not, a little something for xmas, just to let them know that i care. it's hard to understand why someone else wouldn't think tht way without taking it very personally
and it is not horrible, or stepping over the mark, i thing it is true. thank you for your honesty.
that is why i posted this question here. for honest answers from people who don't know me, and are able to give an honest opinion without worrying about how you're going to take it.
so..why not xmas? isn't that more important?
Nope I receive many a bday card/gift from people who don't get me anything for xmas and vice versa. I would find it odd if someone bought me an xmas prezzie but not a bday prezzie. But then that's just my opinion.
i have, after hearing from all of you, kind of decided to do just that. i know he will see on my face that i am hurt, but i am not going to mention it.
you have all been incredibly helpful, and if you have any other advice or opinions on this, please don't hesitate to post them.
I think you need to take a serious look at your current situation, because it's not fair on your husband, and I suspect that soon you will find the emotional drag from your fwb growing, after which it will become difficult for you to manage.
You've focussed this particular issue on the lack of a present, but that isn't the problem at all.
Looks like you're one of those people too. You need to get out of this, because it isn't going to make you happy in the long run. Of course he hasn't bought you a christmas present, you're not a couple and you're not his wife, you're a mate he happens to be fucking. That's it. So get out of this with him, because it's going to make you miserable and affect your marriage.
Thats what your husband is for. Why are you so worried about a minor issue with your fling, when youre treating your own husband so appallingly. You have a nerve.
thats what i thought! you can't really moan about the fact the person you are fucking on the side hasn't bought you a present?!! what about your poor husband?
and anyway, you don't give gifts to receive gifts back. at least, thats not the way i think...
thank you for your comment. this is certainly not the direction i want or need this to go in. i have no intentions of leaving, and that was made clear when this thing began.
all your posts have been very helpful to me. it still pisses me off that he wouldn't think to get me anything, but not as much as it did before i started this thread.
something tells me i need to rethink this relationship before it sails headlong into emotional disaster for me.
but...i still can't help thinking what kind of guy doesn't give something to the person they've been sleeping with for the last 5 months?
Spot on.
I'm not going to be judgemental or moralistic about what you're doing, because I've been there myself and I know these things are often more complicated than they appear to outsiders.
But this is heading for disaster if you can't get your emotions for the guy under control. If you can't sleep with him without wanting more, then extricate yourself from it.
Well, lots of people. My partner of five years isn't getting me anything, because we don't really do gifts. You can't assume everyone assigns the same import and value to gift giving as you do.
maybe i'll make it my new years resolution....but i sure will miss the good part of things.
my husband and i have a good relationship except for the sex part, i would never do anything to hurt him. yes, it's weird i'm moaning bout the fact that fwb hasn't got me anything, but that's just me.
i don't think i am treating hub in an appalling fashion...he will never know about this...
i have a lot of guilt over what i'm doing..but it just doesn't seem to override the fact that i have needs that are getting satisfied for the first time in years...go figure
i didn't get him a gift to get one back...it's just the thought that i'm not of enough value to think about at this time of year that's irking me.