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no xmas gift

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  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    we have tried for the last 12 years out of the 19 we've been married..there just isn't much variety that's possible. he can't even lie next to me....
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    we do have sex...it is just not satisfying or exciting for me anymore

    That's the most selfish thing I've ever heard.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Faustus wrote: »
    That's the most selfish thing I've ever heard.

    just hope it never happens to you...it isn't selfish...it's terribly sad and heartbreaking, at least to me. i've tried and tried and just can't get it back.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    I'm sure theres other things you can do to ya' know...*cough* have fun?
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    How about a vibrator?
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    I don't think a vibrator would make her feel wanted.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    i do have one, and yes you are right..it doesn't make me feel wanted. when i'm done with it, it actually makes me feel lonely and alone, even if i use it with my spouse.
    i need physical contact, to be touched, to be desired...it's just not there anymore and no matter how hard i try or what i do, it won't come back
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Is it because he doesnt try and make you feel wanted, or do you think its something within you has changed?
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    i do have one, and yes you are right..it doesn't make me feel wanted. when i'm done with it, it actually makes me feel lonely and alone, even if i use it with my spouse.
    i need physical contact, to be touched, to be desired...it's just not there anymore and no matter how hard i try or what i do, it won't come back
    phoebe deluxe , i can understand its really hard what u r going through

    i am again saying pls dont take those harsh comments by some dumb commenters to heart

    best of luck
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    he tries, but it is something within me that has changed. i still love him, i just have no passion for him anymore. does that make me a horrible person, I don't think so, it makes me a very sad person because never in my wildest dreams did i think i would ever end up in a situation like this
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    bestplayer wrote: »
    phoebe deluxe , i can understand its really hard what u r going through

    i am again saying pls dont take those harsh comments by some dumb commenters to heart

    best of luck

    thank you so much for your comment
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    phoebe I do sympathise with you but I think your husbands back problems are a complication rather than the absolute reason, like you say you want to feel 'wanted' and as you recognise that is something within you. Now what people here are saying is that you are looking elsewhere to fulfill your desire / need to be wanted, but maybe another route would be to try and fix what you have with your husband so that the person you love is also the person fulfilling your needs. Have you considered going to sexual counselling together?

    I think it is a problem in general with marriage though that after some time when it is no longer new and exciting that people get bored. A good relationship has both the deep love and also the excitement of seeing the other person.

    I can't say its easy though and if you think having this split life where you get part of your needs from one person and part from another is easier than trying to work through the issues to come to a better arrangement then that's fair enough.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    i dont think it makes you a horrible person, but i think that if the relationship is based on such a fundamental dishonesty, then its not fair on your partner.
    Im not against non-monogamous relationships, but i do think the other person has a right to know what sort of a relationship they are in, because then they can make the decision whether to stay or not based on the truth.
    I think youre not telling him, not because you dont want to hurt him, but because you dont want him to leave you and you be left with nothing.

    If your FWB or someone else offered you security and a proper relationship,WITH good sex too, would you take it?
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    actually, my fwb know exactly where i stand on the issue of my husband...he knows i never want to hurt him, or to find out, and he is fine with that, because this is not a permanent situation.
    here is the us, marriage counseling costs money, which due to recent downsizing and taking a job which seriously underpays me, is not possible
    i value his feelings above all else, and would end this if i thought he was the least bit suspicious.
    i know it seems strange to many of you...it seems strange to me too sometimes, but it works for me, selfishly enough.
    some needs cannot be left unsatisified, for whatevr reason...it harbours resent ment and hate after a while
    actually, the whole reason for this post was that my fwb made me feel less than worthy of any thought, however infintesimal, when it came to a xmas gift, no matter how small.
    wow, it's really changed.
    many of you, i think are youing enough to believe that love is forever...and it may be, but it changes over time. sometimes due to an illness, sometimes one person outgrowns the other.
    it is a very sad, very depressing state of affairs, especially when you still have feelings for the person.
    yes, i realize it is my fault my desire and passion for him ae gone. i realize it is my fault that i cannot get it back no matter how hard i try.
    so i have done the only thing i could've done other than leave.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    so i have done the only thing i could've done other than leave.

    I beg to differ. You could've prehaps talked to your husband about this before cheating on him?
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    we havetalked, many times..the problem is mine, not his...i see no point in crucifying him emotionally by telling him...he has feelings you know, and would not and does not understand how i feel.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    no but he might take his rightful choice and decide to leave and find someone faithful, which is his right.

    You dont fancy your husband anymore - nature abhors a void - as soon as someone comes along that offers you more, you will take it.
    Sometimes relationships arent meant to last forever, and if its got to the stage where you have no passion, then unless thats ok for both of you, then the relationship has probably come to a natural end.

    I hope youre practising safe sex anyway
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    no but he might take his rightful choice and decide to leave and find someone faithful, which is his right.

    You dont fancy your husband anymore - nature abhors a void - as soon as someone comes along that offers you more, you will take it.
    Sometimes relationships arent meant to last forever, and if its got to the stage where you have no passion, then unless thats ok for both of you, then the relationship has probably come to a natural end.

    I hope youre practising safe sex anyway

    it's only been the one person..and yes, safe sex was formost. my husband won't leave me and i won't leave him. maybe it has come to a natural end, but it is very unlikely either one of us will leave.
    i am the breadwinner, he needs me, and he is a good kind person. none of this is his fault, it just is what it is.
    it will be a long time, if ever, before i do this again. i have an enormous amount of guilt over the whole thing...
    many of you don't understand..and i hope you will never find yourself in a similar situation, it is not an easy thing to deal with
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    It sounds to me that you are still with your husband for reassurance. You know your FWB will move on, and if we are honest here he probably doesn't have many feelings for you. Your husband will 'never leave you': it seems more that you are trying to find some sort of comfort for when you fwb leaves. But when you and your fwb stop and even now, the problems with your husband will not stop. You will want another fwb to fill your needs and the problem starts again. Its a tough situation and there isnt really a straight forward answer but you need to figure this out soon, or it will be too late, and you will end up hurting your husband.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    It sounds to me that you are still with your husband for reassurance. You know your FWB will move on, and if we are honest here he probably doesn't have many feelings for you. Your husband will 'never leave you': it seems more that you are trying to find some sort of comfort for when you fwb leaves. But when you and your fwb stop and even now, the problems with your husband will not stop. You will want another fwb to fill your needs and the problem starts again. Its a tough situation and there isnt really a straight forward answer but you need to figure this out soon, or it will be too late, and you will end up hurting your husband.

    well, i hadn't thought of that. yes, i know my fwb will move on. i don't think i stay for reassurance for me, more for him really. it took 19 years for me to take the step i did, and i can't see doing it again. will i miss my fwb? of course! will i find another? i doubt it. this just sort of happened, i wasn't looking, we just kind of clicked. i work weird hours, and there is no else there i am even remotely interested in, so the possibility of another just isn't there.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    hurting him is the last thing i want to do. yes, my fwb doesn't really have any feelings for me except liking me as a friend, and i knew that up front.
    but leaving husband for my personal gain? couldn't do it...he needs me and he loves me.
    not playing a victim here, just being honest. is what i'm doing wrong? no doubt about it. did i need what i am getting out of this? no doubt about it.

    will i be hurt when it's over? yes, for a while. i figure that will be my punishment for going there in the first place.
    love and situations change over the years. many of you may be too young to realize that, but they do.

    i was cheated on in a previous relationship for no reason other than he could, so i know how it feels, and i would never want my husband to feel that way.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    love and situations change over the years. many of you may be too young to realize that, but they do.

    no, I understand that. I have experience of several long term relationships including a marriage which was all but sexless for quite a few years.

    I guess Im different to some in that lack of sex with my partner just made me want THEM more rather than make me want to seek it elsewhere.

    I do think youre in a difficult situation, but the fact is your feelings for your husband have changed. You love him, but it doesnt sound like youre in love with him, and in my opinion, not only are you just prolonging the inevitable; by cheating, youre never going to repair the problems in your marriage, because emotionally, theres no incentive for you to do so anymore.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    I don't think your situation is so unusual. I personally know of two other couples who have been in your position, and I sympathise. In the first, the wife was severely disabled with MS. In the second, the husband had suffered a catastrophic bike crash, leaving him paraplegic and with brain injuries. That the couples loved each other was never in doubt, but the uninjured partner had needs the other couldn't satisfy.

    In the case of the wife with MS, there was an unspoken acceptance of the situation. The understanding was that the husband was discreet about his FWB, and the wife never asked questions.

    In the other case, the wife became aware of a growing attachment to her FWB and the two of them came up with a strategy to nip it in the bud. They came up with a fantasy scenario, where she was a high-class call girl and he had to "pay" for sex - not with money, but with consumable (important for disposal of evidence) treats. No treat. No sex. LOL. My understanding is that they had a lot of fun with this role play and they were able to remain simply FWB for many years as a result.

    It is infidelity, of course, but it is easy to be judgemental when you are young and idealistic. As we get older, we recognise that sometimes life throws us a curved ball, and we just have to do whatever we have to to get by. Both the couples I mentioned above were in their mid-40's and just needed the physical love and companionship of a FWB in order to be able to love and care for their spouse. Morally wrong perhaps, but better than the alternatives.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    I think the difference, SCC, is that when having sex with your partner causes them pain, that has a very strange effect - when allowing yourself to desire them is a dangerous thing, it can poison that side of your life. And to tell the person that you love that as well as all the shit this problem is causing them, it's hurting you as well is a very hard thing to do.

    The answer, of course, is to be into S+M so that causing your partner pain just adds to the excitement.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Big Gay wrote: »
    I think the difference, SCC, is that when having sex with your partner causes them pain, that has a very strange effect - when allowing yourself to desire them is a dangerous thing, it can poison that side of your life. And to tell the person that you love that as well as all the shit this problem is causing them, it's hurting you as well is a very hard thing to do.

    The answer, of course, is to be into S+M so that causing your partner pain just adds to the excitement.

    rofl....yeah, that would be the perfect solution.
    unfortunately it doesn';t apply here. reminds me of the old joke:
    why do you hang around with that sadist? beats me!

    it is a difficult situation, and there is no right way to handle it. you are exactly right though, if i told him part of the reason i have no passion left for him is that is does cause him pain, he would be so very hurt..there is nothing can that fix that.
    he does what he can for me, but it is always in the back of my mind that he may be in pain.
    and that takes a lot of pleasure away for me.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    I don't think your situation is so unusual. I personally know of two other couples who have been in your position, and I sympathise. In the first, the wife was severely disabled with MS. In the second, the husband had suffered a catastrophic bike crash, leaving him paraplegic and with brain injuries. That the couples loved each other was never in doubt, but the uninjured partner had needs the other couldn't satisfy.

    In the case of the wife with MS, there was an unspoken acceptance of the situation. The understanding was that the husband was discreet about his FWB, and the wife never asked questions.

    In the other case, the wife became aware of a growing attachment to her FWB and the two of them came up with a strategy to nip it in the bud. They came up with a fantasy scenario, where she was a high-class call girl and he had to "pay" for sex - not with money, but with consumable (important for disposal of evidence) treats. No treat. No sex. LOL. My understanding is that they had a lot of fun with this role play and they were able to remain simply FWB for many years as a result.

    It is infidelity, of course, but it is easy to be judgemental when you are young and idealistic. As we get older, we recognise that sometimes life throws us a curved ball, and we just have to do whatever we have to to get by. Both the couples I mentioned above were in their mid-40's and just needed the physical love and companionship of a FWB in order to be able to love and care for their spouse. Morally wrong perhaps, but better than the alternatives.

    thank you
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    rofl....yeah, that would be the perfect solution.
    unfortunately it doesn';t apply here. reminds me of the old joke:
    why do you hang around with that sadist? beats me!

    it is a difficult situation, and there is no right way to handle it. you are exactly right though, if i told him part of the reason i have no passion left for him is that is does cause him pain, he would be so very hurt..there is nothing can that fix that.
    he does what he can for me, but it is always in the back of my mind that he may be in pain.
    and that takes a lot of pleasure away for me.

    just wanted to ask is causing him pain the only reason why u lost passion in him or are there other things ?
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    that is a major reason, but there are others. after losing my job and having to take one that paid a lot less, there are many financial issues, boredom after so many years, can't do anything new or exciting in tht dept because of the arthritis, i feel like i've lost myself, and my life.
    that's no excuse i know, but when with fwb, i feel alive and like myself for the first time in a long time. i used to laugh all the time, and be a fun person, not so much anymore
    i don't think these are reasons to leave a good, kind person and destroy him emotionally.
    i guess it's an escape from reality at the moment. sefish? incredibily.
    this fwb thing won't last, it will be over soon, i think. my hope is that i can take the good things from it and add them to what i have. my intentions are not to hurt anyone.
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