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I can't really avoid sleeping
Lack of friends is a continual problem but I'm trying to get in touch with more people who I can trust and talk to so that whenever I'm struggling they're there.
I had to phone up some friends this morning at 8.30am and i hate being an antisocial prick but they didnt seem to mind too much. it just gets too much and i panic, even before i started getting prickly heat and anxiety and upset stomach.
I know I can't really take away all the emotion from the issue, it's just at certain times im struggling when im isolated normally and thoughts of her creep into my mind. Some of my male friends at uni are being good at getting me to play lots of left4dead2 though
Aaahh! I love it when guys show manly affection to each other
Friday - those two hang out, previously they were friends and me and her were 'close' and watch a film at hers
Saturday - she brings her fella to my club, she sits next to me and him but doesn't say more than two sentences to me the entire day (10am - 4am when they left). Saturday night he goes back to hers...
sunday - she tells me they're probs going to go into a relatinoship, hope im ok with that
monday - we talk, she says she wants us to be friends, says she wasnt in love with me, just loved me as a friend and sorry if i felt misled...
tuesday - was going to see me, cancelled on me, friend came round to cheer me up!
wednesday - she ignored me mostly, in the evening he stayed over hers and they hooked up, made their relationship official(ish - shes not broadcasting it because i think she doesnt want it getting out)
thursday - she was going to come see me (as per convo on monday) but again, texted to say she was busy with work. but you can tell in texts when its the cold shoulder sometimes (it was literally "hi, is it ok if we rearrange sometime? I've got some work I should do really" with no sign off or anything). Ignores me for the rest of the day.
friday - today she has popped up on msn and sorts but still not said a word to me. I'm wondering whether she just wants to cut contact altogetehr, despite the last time we spoke her saying she still wanted to be friends. She would never say that to my face though, so her way of doing it would be to just not talk to me. Spoke to one of my friends back home who thought it was all a bit childish, they said as much on their facebook (without mentioning names), another friend from home who i mentioned the facebook status to said im burning bridges because it will make the ex hate me??? But in all this really she has been the one avoiding me, I've not gone out of my way to talk to her no but she has flat out avoided me saying she's busy or whatever.
So a bit stressed out about that now. I dunno, coming to terms with the whole 'well we're not going to be together in the end then are we' thing, but the whole being blanked by someone who said they wanted to be friends is just hurtful. At the least she could have text me and said "hi, how are you doing?", but instead it would seem she is happy to never speak to me again. Which may well be a good thing all things considered, but I guess I feel like I deserve a little bit more than the blanking technique after 5 years, she could say to me 'look i dont think we can be friends' - since the last thing she said was that for her things were fine and she thought we could be friends!!!
My friend is going home for the weekend too, she said shed love to stay and hang out with me but she's worried about her mum because her parents are splitting up.
I kinda gave in and texted my ex, just asked her why shed been avoiding me, she said she was just nervous, but definitely does still want to be friends. Im not sure if she does, she might just be saying that as its easier than saying 'no, i dont want to be friends'.
ShyBoy, as hard as it is, until you forget about what she might want and think about what is right for you and how you can really feel positive, you're going to feel rubbish about this. To be honest, it's pretty unlikely that she wants to cut contact altogether, but just doesn't have much to say to you at the moment and feels like now she has another guy on the scene she wants a more distant relationship with you.
Oh the joys of looking at a situation from the outside...
Again, all of this is within such a short time period and for you it's all really intense and feels like she's behaving in a manipulative way. In reality, half of this stuff just probably hasn't even crossed her mind, and so really the ball is in your court rather than hers. By that, I mean it's your decision whether or not you can be bothered with pursuing a friendship with her later down the line. What might just come out of this is that she really isn't the kind of girl you'd want as your friend. So, your thoughts now, far from being about "What should I do because she's blanking me, or why isn't she texting me" should rather be "can I be bothered having this girl in my life" and as Katralla says, what have I been putting off because of being distracted by this girl.
And saying this to her has brought a heavenly calm upon me, like there isn't any pressure any more. Like it doesn't matter if she doesn't love me or whatever, because sometimes in life it does get to a turning point. Honestly I don't know if this calmness will remain, but right now I feel almost like a new person, like I am ready to accept things between us are over - in fact that they were likely over a very, very long time ago and in some ways moving on from each other is not breaking up a friendship, but instead letting each other be free to be happy, where I can find someone who really loves me, and she can find a relationship where she doesn't need to have anxiety attacks over whether the other person is happy.
I found a lot of peace in thinking like that, and I honestly think she did too. And then I came here and have another lovely reply, I'm feeling pretty good for a change this week
Take comfort in the fact that, in your case, there are clearly other fish in the sea.
Good luck and best wishes.
Hehehe, thankyou to *helen* for the book recommendation, that was lurking in a draw and I've read it pretty much cover to cover today. The chapter on 'blame' is strange and left me feeling a bit confused and maybe insecure - it says that the end of a relationship isn't necessarily because of one person but two ways and you need to identify what you did wrong, e.g. stopped caring about your appearance, sucked at sex, whatever
but a lot of it makes sense in a way. its not even that im pining tbh, im just bored - i used to spend so much time with her that now i easily have 8 hours a day where i might be texting / talking / seeing her when instead i have nothing really to do. :chin:
it suggests joining a gym as it takes up a decent amount of time, gives you a self esteem boost and you might even make some friends but there is one near hear which i think is £40 a month
I strongly agree with this point, but I think the examples such as 'sucked at sex' quite literally suck.
It can take a while, but eventually it will become clear. It might come to you in an epiphany, but if not then gradually over time.
Such a brilliant breakthrough :yippe:
I really did 100% forgot I made that thread, but it just goes to show that the warning signs were definitely there and in that sense I almost feel.. hope that I'm no longer trapped in a nasty cycle of unrequited love that I let myself believe is requited and an endless longing for what I actually want (and perhaps, deserve?) out of a relationship.
Obviously things are still strange and new but like I said, today I had a nice realisation after reading the book in that today was really the first time in many years I've had that kind of time to myself to just sit down and enjoy a book.
Not maybe a book you would naturally equate with recreation to be honest, but at the same time I realised that there were definitely things I lost whilst being in a relationship-but-not-a-relationship such as the freedom to sit down and read a book, because before I would pretty much talk / see her so often.
Obviously there are things I will miss, but as pointed out in the book these are more things about a relationship than her individually - for example, cuddles.
But yea, still not really pining for her, just been pub with my brother which was really nice
Well, things are certainly picking up for me.
Started to catch up with uni work and all the other projects I've been doing, which is nice and everything is starting to come together.
This week - tuesday went on a night out, came home early with my friend (lets call her Lisa!) Lisa, sat on her bed talking until about 1 until we realised the time and I headed home. Nothing going on there I don't think tbh, it's just really nice to have made a good friend.
Yesterday I spoke to a girl from Leicester over the internet, who one of my best friends back home is trying to do some match making (they're single, I'm single, what do you know). We had a nice, if brief chat (I was headed off), and I said we should go out sometime when I'm back in Leicester and she seemed up for it - so something nice to look forward to!
Last night went up to gateshead for a 'concert' or rather Video Games Live, which was great fun. I decided to go all out and made myself look fab, had my hair done too to which my male friends derided me about as I looked 'boy-band' like, with designer stubble to boot. Though that was unintentional, it was purely a case of needing a haircut and telling the hairdresser I was going out and to do something a bit different with my hair. I quite liked it, even if it did get me a bit of stick. It was a fun night though, despite me falling asleep in the car back, Lisa text me and said her boyfriend wasn't coming up Thursday anymore so she could hang out after German.
Woke up this morning feeling very ill, despite not drinking last night. Got to get my reading done for my seminars tomorrow though it's boooooring, and then chill out tonight, Lisa can come round, might watch a film or something. You know a film I really enjoy, but my ex never wanted to watch with me - Definitely, Maybe. It's a soppy film for a guy to like, but I still like it. Maybe we could watch that.
Tomorrow it's more work and seminars, and in evening a party in which I'll probably get too drunk, and spend much of the weekend recovering from.
I never used to do any of this stuff when we were 'together' or 'hanging out', because I would spend so much time with her. It's really nice in a way
edit: and definitely, maybe isn't your typical romcom, its more about a guy reflecting on the significant relationships of his past, why he stayed with them even though to the viewer its -obvious- they weren't right for him at times, and what he took away from those relationships. I guess it's quite appropriate at the minute
Thanks
i mean last night she jumped in my bed and started attacking me with clothes pegs and post it notes which was fun obviously
Yeah, maybe she likes you or thinks your cute or whatever but the big fat bright red warning sign is the 'minor detail' that she has a boyfriend.
I'm a girl and let me tell you that it's GREAT to get male attention, especially when there's another guy waiting at home who perhaps is getting comfortable in the relationship. I personally get all warm and fuzzy if I have men fawning over me but I would never ever do it to my boyfriend to be acting 'playful' with another guy or take it any further by hanging at their home late at night giving them the wink before going back home. It's NOT a trait you want in a girl because it's not a sign of respect for her boyfriend OR you. I'm willing to bet that she's playing you intentionally. Trust me, she's not behaving this way around her girl friends.
Think about what you want in a partner. Me for example, I expect my boyfriend to be respectful and in turn I think he deserves the same from me. I rate that trait extremely high because this is what I base my TRUST on him on.
You've clearly been on a rollercoaster with your ex and it's great if you're going out and making new friends but remember to keep your feet planted firmly to the ground. I personally recommend the single girls that don't just want to play with you fully dressed. :hyper:
Good luck, I know that you're a clever and ace guy with a heart of gold so I suggest you enjoy your life and don't get caught up in dead-ends! Really, you have a bright future ahead of you if you choose to focus on pursuing it. :thumb:
Yea I mean I'm not really seeing it as a relationship thing, just I don't want to be treading on dangerous ground, or acting naively as I put it. As far as I'm concerned so far the only very loosely based 'love' interest is the singleton back home who I've kind of been set up with and will probs go on a date with round xmas and see if we get on.
I just dont want a guy turning up and punching me in the face when really we are just mates, but wonder if she is as you say enjoying the 'were just mates' thing a bit too much (not that I'm complaining in the non-commital way of its just nice to have attention).
Like how girls happily kiss their gay male friends because 'oh no theyre not interested in me so its ok' way. Obviously because she knows I'm still a bit hung up over last girl, flirting with me and hanging out with me she gets 'strings free' male attention that she can justify away as not being anything encroaching on her relationship, idk, I'm probably overanalysing, but I don't want to be naive like I said, but then again I'm not used to just 'chilling' with a girl as friends because I've always felt like I was cheating on my ex. Lol.
if the answer is no i i don't think you should try to get back with her, the main choice is option 1 or 2, i don't know you or her well enough to comment too much, but, from reading it, if you've been trying to cope but can't, option 1 is the best option, but preferably option 2 is better as i think you should try to remain friends but with the current feelings as they are with you, try not to get too attached to her so you can move on in your own time and as it appears she has, at least for now
the most important thing is getting back on your feet and feeling sorry for yourself, it's hard to do, really hard in fact but i think it's best for both of you, if it works out in the long run with you two, good and if it doesn't, well, no loss because you still have memories and friendship
My ex really if she wasn't with the guy she is now I wouldn't go out with her, I don't feel like I can trust her anymore, and whatsmore I feel like it's a part of my life - even if I still love her - I want to put behind me now and move on, because I can't cope with being messed around up and down over and over. Like you say, in time I can focus on the positive things rather than the painful things and look back on it, but you can't continue living life if you are just hoping for things to go back.
well, i guess in a way I should count this as closure. the last thing she wanted from me - the pictures of our last weeks 'together' - is over now. So I have no excuse to talk to her anymore, and can start again without her sending my stress levels through the roof!
Like the other day though, I'm not missing /her/, just talking to her makes me so stressed and stuff ("why did you do this to me?" "why dont you love me?!" "how can you break my heart again?" "Dont i mean anything to you?"). I'm not sure we'll ever be able to be friends because I just can't relax when I'm around her, but I'm not too fussed about that - its a new stage of my life now and I'm putting her in the past.
Ahh the joys of Facebook :rolleyes:
Why not just delete her a friend on Facebook? It is like she is loving the power of being in control in this situation. I know you wanted to try and stay friend but I think for the best thing for you to do is just cut contact for a while and see how it goes. Talking to her and seeing things like Facebook aren't going to make it any easier :no:
But I didn't feel like proactively deleting / blocking her from everything in my life, I was just not actively talking to her (except for these photos as they were hanging over me - and I've just remembered she still owes me £70!). After these photos I felt crap, then next day she changes her facebook status so she's obviously all loved up and feels great. So it was like being back at stage one, me being miserable and feeling how unfair it is that she's so happy. Maybe I should remove her completely.
But spoke to housemates gf who gave me a hug and felt a bit better, then I found out that my dog was put down this morning. Need a break plz.
Word.