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Ex found new guy, struggling to deal and no friends for support
Former Member
Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
Hey,
My on / off girlfriend of the past 5 years has found a new guy. We weren't officially going out for the past two years, but we split up because of her anxiety and I believed it was understood that when things were sorted, we would get back together. She has done really well this year in coping with her anxiety, and finally reached the point where she feels ready for a relationship again - but timing is a bitch and she just happened to meet some random guy by chance and has fallen for him.
I've been devastated despite not thinking I would be, thinking that I would be ok. I'm not holding her responsible, I mean we said (in part to take pressure off each other, pressure not being good for anxiety) that if we wanted to date other people that would be ok, we'd still be friends. But emotionally it's struck me so hard and I've been going through a cycle of grief, panic, despair, and so on.
The thing is - she became my best friend. She still wants to be best friends, and said to me the other day I'll always be the most important person to her. She said that our relationship / friendship would change, inevitably (like, we had frequent sleepovers! We were not sexually active or anything like that, but you know, pijamas film and takeaway ^^). Things like cuddling and little kisses on the head and such, that's going to all go. The intimacy in our special friendship is going to go, and she's ok with this now she has a new fellow (I don't blame her or him either, we did agree that we could date other people! I am just not dealing well), but I am grieving this loss a lot.
It is is worse for the fact that although I have friends at University, I don't have any so close that I can open up to and much less cry in front of. I am sure many guys can relate to this. Talking about it is so difficult, that when I told a friend back home that we were over for good he rang me up and I couldn't get two or three words out before saying I would have to ring him back. So really I have no healthy way to deal with this grief.
Now the routes I have narrowed down to 2 possible options (and a third which I won't pursue but it's there!).
1. Cut contact because I obviously have very strong feelings for her and until I can forget about these feelings it will always be painful knowing she doesn't want to be with me. I can meet someone else in time, perhaps. I am not good at meeting girls and much less developing a relationship but if I can do it once I can do it again. The reason I mention that is because focusing on developing new relationships is positive and will help me feel positive instead of focusing on the loss of this relationship.
2. Stay friends and stick to the plan - we said we'd be best friends no matter what, and if I feel upset about her boyfriend or whatever I can pretend I'm not or 'get over it'. This isn't ideal in dealing with *my* emotional needs but then I don't lose my best friend and maybe with time I will be able to deal with us just being friends. (Although it hurt yesterday when she said her new guy knows we are 'just mates' as that's never a term she's used to describe us before, and all our mutual friends would describe us as more than that I'm sure!)
3. Try my best with every trick in the book, knowing her better than anyone, to try to win her back, because how does she fall out of love with me and I not know about it until she says she's with someone new?? I'd love for this to be feasible but it's not and not healthy. Hm.
Anyway, the reason I'm posting here is because I've got nobody around me right now I can open up to and I'm finding it really difficult to deal with everything.
My on / off girlfriend of the past 5 years has found a new guy. We weren't officially going out for the past two years, but we split up because of her anxiety and I believed it was understood that when things were sorted, we would get back together. She has done really well this year in coping with her anxiety, and finally reached the point where she feels ready for a relationship again - but timing is a bitch and she just happened to meet some random guy by chance and has fallen for him.
I've been devastated despite not thinking I would be, thinking that I would be ok. I'm not holding her responsible, I mean we said (in part to take pressure off each other, pressure not being good for anxiety) that if we wanted to date other people that would be ok, we'd still be friends. But emotionally it's struck me so hard and I've been going through a cycle of grief, panic, despair, and so on.
The thing is - she became my best friend. She still wants to be best friends, and said to me the other day I'll always be the most important person to her. She said that our relationship / friendship would change, inevitably (like, we had frequent sleepovers! We were not sexually active or anything like that, but you know, pijamas film and takeaway ^^). Things like cuddling and little kisses on the head and such, that's going to all go. The intimacy in our special friendship is going to go, and she's ok with this now she has a new fellow (I don't blame her or him either, we did agree that we could date other people! I am just not dealing well), but I am grieving this loss a lot.
It is is worse for the fact that although I have friends at University, I don't have any so close that I can open up to and much less cry in front of. I am sure many guys can relate to this. Talking about it is so difficult, that when I told a friend back home that we were over for good he rang me up and I couldn't get two or three words out before saying I would have to ring him back. So really I have no healthy way to deal with this grief.
Now the routes I have narrowed down to 2 possible options (and a third which I won't pursue but it's there!).
1. Cut contact because I obviously have very strong feelings for her and until I can forget about these feelings it will always be painful knowing she doesn't want to be with me. I can meet someone else in time, perhaps. I am not good at meeting girls and much less developing a relationship but if I can do it once I can do it again. The reason I mention that is because focusing on developing new relationships is positive and will help me feel positive instead of focusing on the loss of this relationship.
2. Stay friends and stick to the plan - we said we'd be best friends no matter what, and if I feel upset about her boyfriend or whatever I can pretend I'm not or 'get over it'. This isn't ideal in dealing with *my* emotional needs but then I don't lose my best friend and maybe with time I will be able to deal with us just being friends. (Although it hurt yesterday when she said her new guy knows we are 'just mates' as that's never a term she's used to describe us before, and all our mutual friends would describe us as more than that I'm sure!)
3. Try my best with every trick in the book, knowing her better than anyone, to try to win her back, because how does she fall out of love with me and I not know about it until she says she's with someone new?? I'd love for this to be feasible but it's not and not healthy. Hm.
Anyway, the reason I'm posting here is because I've got nobody around me right now I can open up to and I'm finding it really difficult to deal with everything.
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Comments
Usually though, for anyone going through this kind of situation - the option below is the best.
And if this happens then it doesn't mean that the relationship/friendship meant nothing, nor that you can't take positive things away from it. It simply means you're giving yourself the best chance of moving forward with your life and developing fresh and guilt free relationships.
If anything, beyond the sense of initial loss - the relief from being without all the anxiety that comes from maintaining contact with her in such complex situations will be immense.
Finally, as you've identified yourself, the fact that in the past you've had such a strong relationship with this girl shows that you're perfectly capable of making bonds with women and that your time will come again if you want it to.
*hugs*
It will be hard but I think it is something that you are just going to have to accept and get used to.
Yea I have housemates etc. and loads of people I talk to, on course and clubs and such (nearly all guys!), but I've never really wanted or needed to open up about my feelings to anyone beyond the usual moan about politics or something. Mentioned to a friend half hour ago about realising I felt more than her than was on the table and he said that was fairly obvious, but he didn't really give the impression he wanted / knew what to say and we left the conversation there. I've been texting a friend from uni as well who has been talking to me about random stuff but she's not really a close friend and I feel like I'm imposing on her a bit unloading on her. Though she knows I'm upset and knows that I'm finding the distraction / texting helpful.
I'm scared that tomorrow itll hurt again, but for the time being the crunching aching pain is gone and instead replaced by tiredness, urge to avoid all causes of stress like work, and avoid thinking about things. Wish I knew more people up here to talk to, though I am making an effort, I can't unload on people I don't really know very well.
Especially with the lack of a support network at uni then i'd cut all contact, you're in the best place to have things to distract you and meet new people, it's what uni is about and it's what'll help you move on.
If you were that good/special friends to her then once you have come to terms with it then you should be able to rebuild your friendship with her, if not then it obviously wasn't...
From an outsider's point of view, it sounds like she has told you whatever she thought you wanted to hear to keep you as her back up option and keep you sweet, even though she knew her heart wasn't really in it. (I'm not even sure I buy the whole 'splitting up because of her anxiety' thing, which sounds just odd. Surely if she had an anxiety problem she would want to be with you?) She's been stringing you along as a fall back option while she was on the lookout for someone else, and now he's come along, she's finally got round to doing what she should have done a long time ago, and finished it properly so you can get on with your life.
I think you should get angry! You shouldn't want to remain friends, she's treated you terribly. Get her out of your life for good, and you can finally move on and meet someone else.
I said I thought it was a blookcs - her thinking we were just friends and she didn't open up about it just said
i don't know, i'm just telling you what i think
if you don't believe me thats fair enough, thats what you think
Then not long after said she was going to do some work. But she's never blanked me out before really. So I guess it is all over because she can't even be bothered to talk to me. A bit of me is thinking really it's because she's hung up over the new guy, and wants to be able to go out with him, and the easy way to do that is go 'lol im not in a real relationship anyway so it doesnt matter'. She can then justify to herself that if it hurts me, that's my fault because I obviously got the wrong end of the stick, and yes its unfortunate but not her problem.
How can people be so cold hearted...
Well it didn't mean anything to her. She's not even grieving, she's just pitying me.
I wont call you silly, naive or any of that - just another guy pissed around by a woman playing games with you and to be frank you should tell her to shit or get off the pot and not come crying to you when she breaks up with the guy :yes:
Sometimes when women are being mental and selfish and every gentlemanly instinct says no, you just gotta tell em to go fuck themselves.
But I do agree, and I've spoke to yet more friends today who when I told them they basically said 'what the fuck' because pretty much *everyone* who knows either of us perceived us as being together. My current theory is as above she does want to go out with new guy but that incurs guilt because she's leaving me so instead of doing that she can just pretend we werent really going out anyway so if I'm upset it's nothing to do with her.
I also observed to another friend how she's avoiding me now and lying about it (saying she's too busy to talk, etc.) and how life sucks when the person you're closest to one day and more open about anything, goes to avoiding you and stupid lies the next day. It's not even like I was hounding her, I just said hi over msn and she was untalkative, and then said she was too busy to talk right now - flat out blanked me despite saying yesterday "Oh everything that has been going on, I've felt that we've just been friends, so really for me nothing has changed between us, it's just you that obviously saw things differently." and yet the very next day she's acting -completely- differently.
If there's one thing I hate and can't abide in someone I trust its lies and crap like 'ohh sorry I'm too busy this week to hang out' or things along those lines. And she should know that. But I wonder if she cares anymore, maybe she has just written me off and decided to focus her energies on new guy. 5 years of friendship and relationship and love worth less than a guy she met two weeks ago.
But as you say she will be crying in a few weeks when things go pear shaped, she's already been crying saying how back home away from Uni I'm her only friend and all our other friends are kinda on my side (BECAUSE WE WERE NOT 'JUST FRIENDS' WHICH IS THE SHITTIEST BREAK UP LINE IVE EVER HEARD AND REALLY CANT BELIEVE THAT SHIT AFTER FIVE YEARS).
Qqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqq for her. Lifes *so* hard.
ShyBoy, it's good that you're letting all this out, but try not to let your feelings of hurt at this point cloud your judgement. The more you talk about this the more it's becoming clear that the most positive thing for you to do is say to yourself enough. You're getting bogged down in all these small things about her behaviour now, when they don't really seem to be the issue.
Try to consider the big picture again - it sounds like you were holding onto an unhealthy relationship that wasn't sustainable and the chances are you've been feeling insecure about it for a long time.
Did you ever truly feel at peace/ease since you split up and were in this limbo?
Do you really even want to be with her considering how you felt when you split up?
If you can say no and no to these things - not necessarily right now, but in a few days time, then it will allow you to see that her cold attitude right now loses significance to a point and your positive future is way, way more important.
But yea after this morning I made the decision to leave her to stew if she isnt going to make an effort and so focused elsewhere
For what it's worth in the limbo things were good, we absolutely were best friends and in my and everyone elses opinion except hers we were more than that, but I'm not dwelling on that now. And no I don't really feel I can be with her now not just because of this sillyness about just being friends but also because she is making it clear she only cared about me when it suited her and now she has the new guy, I'm fairly disposable.
Some would say best friends are for life, not until the next guy comes along! Anyway I've invited a friend round tonight and she seems pretty keen to hang out so I can forget about the ex and concentrate on new friendships. I almost cried earlier when I told a different friend about things and they were so nice about things :'), said anytime I want to go out to the pub or whatever to let them know.
Then we were lying on my bed making eye contact and talking / poking and I reckoned if I'd have kissed her she wouldn't have stopped me. Of course, a) she has a boyfriend and I seriously don't like the idea of messing a relationship up b) this is like, t plus 2 days for me so no need for any complications, don't want to mess up the only close friend I have right now and c) maybe I'm wrong! But now I've kind of adopted the 'ah well' attitude I'm feeling a bit more reckless
But the plus side is, really nice talk, and got on well. I think she has a soft spot for me, she asked me about everything that had happened and was saying 'well, on the bright side now you could date people if you wanted'. It was just one of those things where you were getting the right signals. Not that anything needs to come of that soft spot especially considering she has a boyfriend, but it was nice to know someone cared. Might be meeting up for lunch tomorrow too, she said she wants to see me later in the week but we will work out when (she is much more dilligent in attending lectures than myself).
Pretty much all my friends both home and here have rallied a bit now, even people I wouldn't speak to much normally, and are being really cool. Might be going to a concert next week with some friends. So things are starting to pan out for me. I don't know what to expect next, but things yesterday / sunday were worse than they are today, so lets hope tomorrow is better still.
I was fairly standoffish and cold with her just replying to the bare minimum to not be openly ignoring her, but then she went away, came back, and has ignored me since. But I am not going to talk to her tbh and feed her ego by running after her while she's running off with this guy, so she can revel in having two guys fight it out over her (even if not with each other, just throw attention at her to make her feel good).
If she wants to drop me she's going to have to suffer for it by losing me, she doesn't get to take the easy way of having everything.
My advice to you is that you need to get a bit more savvy in terms of reading the signs. This other friend of yours is happy to lie on a bed with you, tease you, and you think she would have let you kiss her - and she is in a serious relationship?! I don't think so. I'd give it a whirl next time you have the opportunity. If she leads you on, it is because she finds you attractive. I don't see why you would worry about messing up the friendship. It's time you got yourself a proper girlfriend - not just some sop who wears pyjamas and enjoys a cuddle in front of the TV!
In terms of your friendship with her, does she seem to care about you as much as you care about her? If you've had a bad day or something does she listen to you rant or try to make you feel better about it? If she acts in a way that shows that she cares about you maybe she just feels completely safe with you and wasn't trying to give you the wrong impression.
I can blame her for her handling of the issue though
A bit like a diary I suppose, except I'm really vain and need people to comment and care. Makes me feel better
But its not just me who is seeing things these ways, some mutual friends agree with me and think shes been really inconsiderate and is just getting out of the difficulty of a "talk" by pretending we were -just- friends. Or 'just mates' as she put it, which is almost laughable.
In better news I'm just focusing on this new friendship which seems to be going well
I know not all females are the same but some can be so cold about things.
and when she and the new guys not working so well dont go backwards and be her 'friend' again.
Move on and have some fun and flirtings kool will make you feel a bit better about things.
*deep breaths* you can tell when your friends find it awkward, when you type on facebook 'is finding it really difficult to move on' and not one person says anything . . .