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Anybody want to vent or chat about anything? (Triggering Stuff Edition) w/c 02.02.26
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Things are going horrifically bad for me right now. I think i need to get out of here.
im sorry to hear that, sending hugs.
Hey @Nathan, sorry to hear things are going badly for you at the moment. Would you like to share a little more about what you're going through? We're here to listen to you.
@toffuna101 getting some sleep is a good way to rest and relax. I'm wondering whether you managed to get some sleep last night? And how are you feeling today?
yeah i managed to get some sleep last night. im feeling better than i did yesterday.
@toffuna101 Good to hear you are feeling better than you did yesterday, you deserve that! How are the intrusive thoughts and voices doing today, are they a bit quieter?
@Nathan, as @Azziman said, we're all here to listen if you want to share about what's been happening, you're not in this alone.
no theyre still loud as ever...
@Azziman @Callum essentially, this is the situation. CMHT referred me to a temporary supported living residential service for a short stay, about 5 or 6 days, along with intense amounts of therapy during that time, so they could see and evaluate what i'm like, over time, rather than a single session.
So yesterday, i packed up some bags, and went up. Got my own room and stuff, was showed around, but then things went wrong so fast. I couldn't stop pausing, taking of my headphones and listening intensely for any calling, shouting, meltdowns or banging, despite the fact there was silence. I tried to keep to what i was doing, but couldn't stop and couldn't focus on anything else. What scares me about that, is that it's the first time staying out of the home in my life, and i always thought it was purely situational my reactions. Instead, it's happening even when there's complete silence now. And obviously being away from home for the very first time in my life, is scary.
And the silence and peace was crippling. I've never had it in my life before properly, so it felt so so wrong, especially in the evenings. There was no screeching, no wooing, no meltdowns, from my brother, no running to and from to get my brothers headguard on him during his headbanging. Nothing to be on guard for. There's no shouting random animal noises from him, no shit smeering from him, just quiet for the first time in my life and i just couldn't adjust to peace and quiet like i thought i easily could if ever given the chance.
For reference, my brother is severely autistic, has a severe learning disability, has pre-verbal cognitive capacity, requires round the clock care, completely non verbal, and is assessed as having 2:1 support needs. This mostly fell on me over the years to care for him. No going out, no leaving the house, no social interactions, just a massive care role.
And i ended up falling into crippling health anxiety too during the night. I couldn't sleep in the bed, i couldn't touch any surfaces, touch the door handle to leave, use things like cups, and had to bring my own one and my own drink in order to be able to drink. I couldn't sit down without having to create a layer between me and the furniture i was sitting on. I couldn't leave the room, can't use the shared spaces, can't even go to the toilet. It just all came on over the span of an hour getting increasingly worse.
I've realised now that this isn't just situational, it's embedded in me, so even when things are peaceful and calm which it has been for the first time in my life for sustained periods of time, i can't stop reacting, or seeing threats that don't exist. I'm not sure if this makes sense.
The health anxiety has eased a lot this morning, but I'm still struggling with it a bit. I just panicked last night and thought i needed to get out of there.
@Nathan , firstly, thank you so much for sharing this. I hear what you're saying, and its so valid that you're feeing distressed by this realization. It sounds like last night was extremely hard and anxiety-ridden, and that its been very disconcerting to notice yourself still feeling this way despite the silence. It sounds like you've had to cope with feeling on-edge and hyper-vigilant for so, so long. I'm wondering who is around you at this time in the residential therapy center?
How are you feeling about the staff so far, and how far are they aware of how you're feeling? I really hope they can be there to listen and support you.
We're right here with you, and you're doing so well to talk about this. I really hear how horrific it has been feeling, and that sounds so frightening.
Hi @toffuna101 , how are you doing? That sounds so tough for the voices and thoughts to still be very loud. I can imagine that being overwhelming.
May I ask, what are they saying today, and how does it feel emotionally when you have these intrusive thoughts?
Some of the following resources might feel helpful:
https://www.voicecollective.co.uk/ - a UK wide organization that provides emotional support and information for those who experience voice-hearing
https://nopanic.org.uk/ - a helpline for those coping with anxiety and / or panic
https://www.lifeline.org.au/get-help/support-toolkit/techniques-and-guides/managing-intrusive-thoughts - Information on how to manage intrusive thoughts. Please note, this webpage is from an Australian Charity, therefore, their services will not be accessible here in the UK. Information through their website, however, is still available to read.
theyre just saying random things to piss me off. i just feel hopeless really. thank you for the links.
@Sian321 i couldn't touch the door handle to exit my room, and couldn't make it through the communal area's even if i could touch the door handle, whilst in that state, but the good news is that i was able to talk to them this morning, and got there phone number, and so can contact them remotely in future if needed from my room, if i go back. I think i am going to, it's just tricky. First time away from home ever.
That sounds so hard, Nathan, and at the same time, so, so valid when this is your first time away from home ever. I'm so pleased that the team could be there for you, listen, and talk you through this. It really does sound like a huge amount of change over a relatively short period of time too. I'm mindful its been a really tough past few weeks. And you deserve so much compassion, time, and understanding through this as you navigate and adjust to the changes. Thank you for your trust in continuing to share. We're right here with you as your Community.
@toffuna101 that hopeless feeling sounds so heavy and isolating too, perhaps. I hear you. It really does sound like this last week has been so tough with these urges arising. You're doing so well to talk about it. When the voices and thoughts get loud, what's been one thing that helps them to feel perhaps even 5% calmer?
nothing
might be a tw? idek..
signed up to qwell.. well they msged me saying i can’t use their service bc i see things and hear things that are apparently not ‘true’ even so if they aren’t you should still support me.. not diss me bc im struggling with hallucinations and hearing voices... n shit.. they’re so fucking disrespectful to me. :(
im gonna make some pasta bc why not. but thats rly pissed me off n i needed to get it of my chest.
thats wrong of them to do. im sorry you had to experience that.
kooth was taking forever to give me a chat so ive just cancelled the chat. i was waiting for over an hour which is not normal. i dont know why theyre so busy.
im struggling today. im waiting for the police to give me an interview but i dont know when that will be because it takes a while for them to investigate things.
Hi @toffuna101
That uncertainty of when you will get an interview sounds like a lot to handle.
Has there been anything that you've done so far that has managed to distract you from thinking about the interview? Or are there any things you do to relax that you could do this evening?
nothing really has helped me. i could watch youtube videos.
I am sorry to hear that. Watching YouTube does sound like a lovely way to spend a chill evening. Maybe you could also make yourself a warm drink to have as well, like a hot chocolate?
yeah i could make some tea or something.