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TW suicidal thoughts Lingering anti-depressant effects & nothing feels real

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Comments

  • Jack25Jack25 Posts: 130 The Mix Convert
    edited January 17
    Bad I’ve lost everything in life there’s no light left I’m safe
  • Sian321Sian321 Community Manager Posts: 3,398 Boards Guru
    Hi @Jack25 , I just wanted to echo what @Azziman has said here - we care about you, and you're doing so well to keep opening up about how this is feeling.

    When are you next able to see your therapist? I remember you said you've moved to two days a week, which sounds like a really positive response to how distressing this is feeling.
  • Jack25Jack25 Posts: 130 The Mix Convert
    edited January 17
    On Tuesday and Thursday im seeing my therapist and wednesday a psychiatrist I’m so distraught by the continuing sexual side effects I asked before I took it and they said it only happens in long term use, two days is not long term and I hate that I was lied to. And now I’ve got to live with my sexuality being wiped and ED!! I feel like a different person I can’t process this, I just want to run away and escape all of these problems. It’s been bad thing after bad thing it never ends. It’s hard to keep going when I’m in a cycle of loss, lost relationships lost future relationships lost pleasure lost identity it’s just a whole bucket load of loss that could’ve been prevented if I wasn’t misinformed. I’ve been thinking I’d do anything just to get it back im so distraught. And my body hasn’t been functioning properly either I can’t sweat and i can’t feel hot until I start feeling faint, still have bladder problems list goes on. But I can set those issues aside, it’s the lost emotions and sexual/romantic identity that has dragged me down so much. The thought I may never feel attraction again just makes me want to give up. I can’t process the fact I’m no longer attracted to people. It feels wrong. I feel empty, I can’t cry or be happy, I just want it to end, I want relief just for a few hours to be myself one more time. I genuinely don’t think I’m strong enough to keep going, i can barely eat or drink I haven’t felt hunger or thirst since taking the medication. My burning in the evening has spread up to my leg but apparently it’s probably just a mental health issue. I feel so fatigued and have so much brain fog I can’t even remember what happened a few days ago I can’t focus on anything. It’s so hard to believe things will get better when all your emotions have been wiped. I can’t cope or process the loss of sexuality, it’s like losing a whole part of myself, something to be hopeful about l, a relationship etc when things were bad, now I can only be distraught by the fact I won’t feel connected again. I just see things never getting better. At least I could feel pleasure and happiness before the meds I would just have really bad crying spells or feel low a lot, now I’m dead inside. I didn’t consent to be chemically castrated and made impotent. And now I’ve got to possibly live with the regret? I’m so distraught. I can’t process it it keeps going round and round I wish I could go back I wish I could have stopped myself. I don’t see a way forward, and i wrote in my journal I don’t want to move forward without my sexuality or feelings and i refuse to. I don’t know what to do if I don’t get it back, I’m on thin ice. Sectioning is probably heading my way soon it’s getting harder and harder each day, they already said if I don’t eat or drink for one day they will request the mental health act and if I don’t accept medical treatment there’s a high likelyhood I will be sectioned. I don’t want the medication again not after I was lied to and was hospitalised with my bad reaction.l and losing my feelings. My biggest regret is taking it. I don’t want anymore I’m just holding onto what little hope I hope I see some sort of improvement or signal it will come back. I want to keep trying and hold onto the possibility I will get those feelings back and the numbness on my body etc. will reverse. I’m essentially waiting for it, but after 3 months my hope is running thin. But I want to give myself the chance to recover and have those feelings again, I’m becoming very housebound now because I’ve lost joy and peace from walking. I keep trying but it’s a drag and I hate it. I never hated walking, my heart is broken. I keep trying to convince myself I like it, my journals I put down stuff about my walk, but I’ve just ripped out the pages because they’re all lies, I’m stuck in denial and can’t accept how much I’ve lost. I spent weeks convincing myself my sexuality was still there and I was ok thinking I could convince my sexuality back, now I don’t know what to do.

    Everything is anchored on the emotional aspect returning and the physical stuff going, I’m sort of watching to see if it will go or if I will get a signal of improvement. I don’t want to go outside and live or see people if I’m not myself again. A lot is weighing on this.

    I know therapy can help me process this, but also I don’t think I could ever move on without it, it’s part of my I repressed so deeply and never expressed, and now I will never get the chance to explore it.

    Thanks Azziman and Sian
    Post edited by Jack25 on
  • Sian321Sian321 Community Manager Posts: 3,398 Boards Guru
    Hi @Jack25 , thank you for your messages. I can really hear how this continues to be such a distressing and frightening situation, and you're doing so well to open up here. We care about you and your safety.

    You mentioned feeling like there's been an overwhelming amount of loss to process, and how you feel this incessant emptiness too. That sounds heartbreaking, Jack, and again, just so much to wrap your head around and to make sense of, especially when these are changes you've experienced so rapidly.

    You're doing really well to put your feelings down on 'paper' here, to be vocal and to talk with your therapist and your psychiatrist. It sounds like you're really surrounding yourself with as much support as you can, which is so positive. You deserve to not have to go through this on your own.

    What's your relationship like so far with your therapist and psychiatrist? How listened to and you feeling in those spaces?

  • Jack25Jack25 Posts: 130 The Mix Convert
    edited January 17
    It is a new psychiatrist from the NHS so I’m not sure, the therapist is nice but I don’t feel anything, I can’t connect with people, I know she’s nice but I don’t get that feeling of comfort or safety anymore. I need the support to keep going I’m so desperate now. I’m leaning on the support as a waiting period, just hoping if I can continue with stuff i will get my feelings sexuality and physical sensation back with time, and hope im not broken, but to do that i need to keep going. I just wish i wasn’t pressured into the meds.
    If emotions don’t come back and physical sensations (or lack thereof) don’t go then I eill find it difficult to keep moving on with life. If physical sensation comes back I might be an it better, if it doesn’t idk what to do anymore, I’m not living with a completely numb area of my body…
  • Jack25Jack25 Posts: 130 The Mix Convert
    Things I find funny aren’t funny anymore. I’m scared now :<
  • SabahSabah Community Manager Posts: 9 Confirmed not a robot
    Hi @Jack25 that does sound frightening, and like Sian said, you're doing an amazing job sharing what you're going through and how it's making you feel - it shows great self awareness and how articulate you are. It sounds like you do like your new therapist which is a positive, and I can see how hard you're working to get the support you deserve.

    You mentioned you were feeling scared yesterday evening and I just wanted to check in with you today, see how you were managing that feeling maybe?
  • Jack25Jack25 Posts: 130 The Mix Convert
    edited January 19
    Thanks @Sabah . I haven’t seen you around before, a warm welcome from me to the mix! 🤗

    I just have to accept what I usually laugh at doesn’t make me laugh. I’m quite disturbed by my continued lack of feeling, body numbness etc. I’m so disturbed by it all. I feel so hopeless. I feel like it’s getting too difficult.
    Post edited by Jack25 on
  • VerityVerity Community Manager Posts: 191 Trailblazer
    Hey @Jack25 thank you for sharing this. You don't have to go through this alone, have you been able to mention these recent changes in your well being and worries on how the medication is affecting you to your therpist or your GP?
  • Jack25Jack25 Posts: 130 The Mix Convert
    GP said it was all psychological despite the onset. I spoke to my therapist but it’s all about trying to live life without emotion which I don’t want to do, I have lost a potential relationship and all my emotions and it’s so difficult now to keep pushing to try and eat and drink. Thank you
  • Jack25Jack25 Posts: 130 The Mix Convert
    edited January 21
    I’ve been given the option to try an anti-depressant again. I can take either an antidepressant or low dose anti-psychotic. I’m concerned if I try it I will make my problems worse, hinder the potential to recover from these problems, or I end up in hospital again… I just wish I didn’t take the anti depressant in the first place, I probably didn’t need it now I’ve got lasting problems :( . They said it’s very rare after the equivalent of one pill, and because I took it for a short time I hope I can recover from the problems it’s caused. Although it could take months years or indefinitely they said, which isn’t a nice thought. I practically just want to sit and wait until it all comes back. :< as soon as I see a sign of recovering from this body stuff I will be so relieved. Given how bad my reaction was they are hoping I can start off on a really low dose, could be one liquid drop and work up.
    Post edited by Jack25 on
  • CallumCallum Community Manager Posts: 17 Settling in

    Hey @Jack25, it sounds so distressing that you've had to deal with the long-lasting side effects of your medication, and your therapist said to live life without emotion, it makes sense you don't want to do that. How are you feeling today?

    It must be such a frustrating situation to be given the option of another antidepressant after what has happened so far. I'm wondering what your thoughts are about taking the antidepressant, and their suggestions of starting on a low dose and working up?

  • Jack25Jack25 Posts: 130 The Mix Convert
    edited January 22

    Hi Callum! I’m not keen on it and there’s no certainty it will fix anything. They acknowledged the initial anti-depressant may have now caused an incurable iatrogenic disease. Imagine having your life ruined by people pressuring you to take an anti-depressant you didn’t want to take… I’m stuck in a circle of regret and I can’t take it anymore. Hence why therapy is about learning to live without emotion - but I don’t want to move on, once I move on an admit my past self is basically dead and I might not feel happy again, I couldn’t do that. I don’t want to try another medication, I just want to hope my body heals from this with time and not throw stuff at it, he said it could take months, years or indefinitely, although I’m so desperate and in such thin ice I’m desperate to be able to laugh again. I’m so disconnected from people and who I was, I’m finding it hard to continue with life.


    I thought the medication would help me get back on track, but instead it took all my feelings away, and left me feeling dead.


    I regret it so much - my life has been destroyed so I don’t know what the next months look like if I get there

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