Rant

Lottie5433 · October 6

I’ve sort of just given up with various things. The only consistent I have in my boyfriend and work.

I’m getting frustrated with the mental health sub team I’m under (CEDT)
They invited me to a peer support group and the lady running it said she’d meet me outside to ease my anxiety of going, however everytime I’ve gone to has been cancelled, this annoys me as for me to get there it is an hours drive and I’m not getting told it’s cancelled, therefore each time i go I’m wasting fuel. I have drafted an email to the lady saying I’m not turning up anymore etc and that I’ll just have wellbeing calls because at this point I can’t keep doing this.
The only thing is I don’t want to have wellbeing calls as they are never consistent in the time apart, like they are supposed to be every 6 weeks but they were never that consistent. But I also tend to withhold the truth because I don’t like talking about anything I’m going through. The team also annoyed me as they are the ones who spoke to my GP about only giving me a week of my antidepressants and folic acid because I have a tendency to stockpile and not take them so apparently I’m more “at risk” especially when heading into a crisis.

I’m annoyed at myself because I’ve relapsed with my self harm, I manage at the most a week before I relapse again but right now it just seems to be happening a lot more often and I’m struggling to hide it from those around me.

The only good thing as such is I spoke with my general manager at work and she said I’m like her little success story, because I’ve come a long way in myself and in work. She is aware of my MH struggles including an attempt (only due to the police attending my work place), so I spoke with her yesterday and mentioned how I’ve deferred camp America until 2027 as to focus on my mental health due to the fact between now and April 2026 I could start DBT and regardless of when I start it will be a year long process. Therefore logically I thought it was best to not go this coming year, which my GM agreed with.
My GM did make the comment on how she thinks I was just a bit bored so my mental health just kept getting worse and there was no improvement. She also said how I seem to be prioritising my mental health and making sure I get better etc and said “only because my boyfriend makes sure I take my medication when I don’t want to” and she said “well you know how I feel about you not taking them”. From all this my GM and Ex-AGM both said I thrive at work when my mental health is low because it keeps me busy and out of my head. My GM has also given me tasks to do throughout winter with her because she knows I enjoy paperwork and organising to I’ll be doing a lot of that which I’m looking forward to.

Despite a lot of this though I’m still struggling with my mental health and I don’t even k ow what to do.
I’m struggling to distract myself from suicidal thoughts and ideations
I’m struggling to stay in control and not relapse into self harm
I’m struggling to maintain my “control” with my eating disorder

In general I’m just struggling but putting up a front so no one catches on because I don’t want others to know or worry because I’m not worth that

Not really sure why I wrote But thanks for reading if you got this far

eylah · October 8

hey @Lottie5433 . i appreciate you opening up abt what is going on for you and i know it must’ve been hard for you to talk abt this but everyone here at the mix is here for you.

you’re deserving of being heard and listened to. i know things are rly difficult for you but just wanted to say im here for you. you don’t have to go through this alone. you rly are a great person and you are always welcome to share how you’re feeling.

Azziman · October 8

Hi @Lottie5433, thank you for being open and sharing your experience here with us, it can be a difficult thing to do and I wanted to recognise that.

I'm sorry to hear about your experience with the mental health sub team - it sounds like a frustrating situation between the cancelled groups, inconsistent wellbeing calls and your comfort around talking about what you're going through. Your feelings are valid, and we hear you.

Please be kind to yourself about relapsing - it happens, and I can hear that you're trying your best to manage a difficult situation. You mentioned that you're struggling to hide it from people - is there someone that you feel comfortable talking to about your experience? Or alternatively, are there other outlets (such as journalling) that can help you to express yourself in some way?

It's good to hear that your general manager is aware of your struggles and your journey, supportive of you looking after your wellbeing, and holds you in positive regard about your work. How does it feel to have someone at your workplace who is supportive and understands your wellbeing journey?

And finally, I can hear that you're trying to put up a front so that people don't worry about you. You are worthy of support, and you are worth worrying about. Your mental wellbeing is important, and your general manager is an example that there's someone in your life that values this. We're also here to support you and listen to you through this.

Sian321 · October 9

Hi @Lottie5433 , how are you doing? Thank you so much for taking the time to make this post. I wanted to check in, because I heard you say that it's feeling really hard right now 'putting on a front' and I hear that those suicidal feelings, eating disorder thoughts, and self-harm urges have felt loud.

Can I check, what have those suicidal feelings looked like for you in some of the hardest moments lately?

And similarly with your eating disorder - what has it looked like for the ED to feel harder to control right now?

I'll share below some resources that can offer further support if you wish:

https://giveusashout.org/
https://peerchat.link/BEAT_supportgroups
https://peerchat.link/NSHN
https://peerchat.link/ditch_SH

Those parts of you struggling with these feelings deserve so much time and understanding, Lottie, and we really appreciate your trust sharing here.

Lottie5433 · October 10

Thank you @eylah, at @Azziman and @Sian321 for your responses, I don’t mean to not respond there has just been a lot happening and I’m now getting round to responding. I appreciate everything you’ve all said

Lottie5433 · October 10

eylah wrote: »

hey @Lottie5433 . i appreciate you opening up abt what is going on for you and i know it must’ve been hard for you to talk abt this but everyone here at the mix is here for you.

you’re deserving of being heard and listened to. i know things are rly difficult for you but just wanted to say im here for you. you don’t have to go through this alone. you rly are a great person and you are always welcome to share how you’re feeling.

hey @eylah, thank you for your message I appreciate it a lot ❤️. This was hard to write initially and to talk about things that have been going on.

Thank you, throughout my whole life I’ve felt like I don’t deserve to be heard or listened to especially when things are challenging, I just learnt to mask and hide everything to protect myself and others

Lottie5433 · October 13

Hi thank you @Azziman for your response it means a lot, sorry I’ve not replied or acknowledged this sooner.
It has been frustrating with the cancelled groups, inconsistent wellbeing calls it apparently I’m on the spreadsheet to be emailed if group gets cancelled now. Also if I go group frequently I won’t need wellbeing calls as the lady said she’d just use them to check in with how I am etc.

Please be kind to yourself about relapsing - it happens, and I can hear that you're trying your best to manage a difficult situation.

I try to be kind to myself when I relapse because I know they happen and there will be highs and lows. I just get annoyed at myself because in my head I should be better and handle things better but yet I can’t and I still find myself doing and then just watching everything fall apart afterwards and the physical consequences I get so.

You mentioned that you're struggling to hide it from people - is there someone that you feel comfortable talking to about your experience?

I don’t feel comfortable talking to anyone about any of this or my experience. Like even in peer support group where people have gone through similar I still hold back and don’t talk about my full experience because I don’t want to hurt anyone or trigger anyone (like I’ve done when I’ve been in the chats here (by accident) but was made to feel it wasn’t)

Or alternatively, are there other outlets (such as journalling) that can help you to express yourself in some way?

at the moment no outlet has helped, I’ve been trying to draw more but it’s not doing a lot as I get in my head and cry and ruin it then. Also tried journalling but my sister read my last one and uses it against me now so I don’t do that anymore.

How does it feel to have someone at your workplace who is supportive and understands your wellbeing journey?

it feels good that my general manager is supportive and understands it and like I know I can talk to her if I need to. My boyfriend also works at the same place as me so it’s good that he’s there for me too.

Thank you again.

Lottie5433 · October 14

Hi @Sian321 sorry for the late response; I appreciate your message.
Umm I’m doing a tad bit better although I keep having panic and anxiety attacks and nothing I do in the situation helps as usually I’ll take my inhaler but that’s not working. But also i keep going on and off my medication and now I feel sick from it all and I want to stop taking them but I can’t see my gp because they don’t care.

Can I check, what have those suicidal feelings looked like for you in some of the hardest moments lately?

they’ve looked like actively seeking out the resources to carry out a plan - not that I have to go far as I have things in my car that I can use that I’ve hidden from people so they don’t see it. It’s also looked like pushing people away and going silent because I feel I can’t talk about anything.

And similarly with your eating disorder - what has it looked like for the ED to feel harder to control right now?

I find myself trying to make myself sick but also finding ways to not eat by lying and saying I’ve ate even if I haven’t. It just seem to be taking control.

With everything, I feel like not going to peer support anymore (only been twice) but I know the lady will wonder why I’ve not turned up and will either email me or phone me and I just don’t want to deal with that either.
I feel like Turing my location off again and just driving somewhere.
Also scared about my pool training tomorrow because all my recent SH will be on show and I’m worried people will say something about it all

Thank you for the resources

Blue_lily · October 17

Hi @Lottie5433

How was pool training?

I hear how you were scared to go because of your recent SH. Were you ok in the end?
Next time if you get worried maybe you could arrange to go with a friend that makes you feel more at ease.

Just want to check in in general as well, how have you been today?

Also I'm glad you're here and are opening up. You're a good person. I hope things start to get better. This community will always be here to listen to you.

Lottie5433 · October 18

Blue_lily wrote: »

Hi @Lottie5433

How was pool training?

I hear how you were scared to go because of your recent SH. Were you ok in the end?
Next time if you get worried maybe you could arrange to go with a friend that makes you feel more at ease.

Just want to check in in general as well, how have you been today?

Also I'm glad you're here and are opening up. You're a good person. I hope things start to get better. This community will always be here to listen to you.

Hi @Blue_lily,
Pool training was okay, I just wore a long sleeve swim suit to cover my arms.
Unfortunately because the pool training is to do with work I’m unable to arrange to go with a friend I just have to put up with any judgements I get even if it comes from my own staff team 😔

Today has been a hard day, I just feel demotivated and tired also getting a lot more SH thoughts and at times I find it hard to fight the thoughts and urges.

Thank you for your kind message and words it means a lot ❤️

Sian321 · October 18

Hi @Lottie5433 , thank you for your post here. It sounds like today is feeling hard, and you're tired and noticing those those SH thoughts are feeling more frequent lately. You're doing so well to share this with us here.

May I ask, what do you feel may have triggered those urges to increase recently?

How are you keeping yourself safe when the thoughts do come up? And how do they make you feel emotionally?

We're right here with you and we're listening. Sharing the following spaces if helpful for you:

https://peerchat.link/FAQ

Further support:
https://peerchat.link/distrACT
https://peerchat.link/noharm

Lottie5433 · October 20

Sian321 wrote: »

Hi @Lottie5433 , thank you for your post here. It sounds like today is feeling hard, and you're tired and noticing those those SH thoughts are feeling more frequent lately. You're doing so well to share this with us here.

May I ask, what do you feel may have triggered those urges to increase recently?

How are you keeping yourself safe when the thoughts do come up? And how do they make you feel emotionally?

We're right here with you and we're listening. Sharing the following spaces if helpful for you:
https://peerchat.link/FAQ

Further support:
https://peerchat.link/distrACT
https://peerchat.link/noharm

Hi @Sian321 thank you again for the response. That day was feeling really hard and in all honesty it’s just been going downhill from there.

Currently I cannot identify any of my triggers or what is increasing the urges of them. I just feel I can’t fight it anymore and it’s harder and harder to stop myself from engaging with it or listening to my thoughts.

In the moment when the thoughts come up, I try to avoid them and focus on something else but lately it’s not working, like I can’t do anything I want as I’d usually choose something crafty and everything I want to do uses a sharp object and honestly I can’t see myself staying safe whilst doing the activity. So I’ve basically been trying to numb things out and I just zone out and go quiet 🤐. I feel powerless to them all but it’s like everything I do I feel I can’t stay safe.

Like I can’t go driving alone because my thoughts just take over and I either dissociate whilst driving or I end up in unsafe locations, I can’t be home alone coz there’s too many things I can do/use to hurt myself. Even just sat in my car I can be unsafe coz I have a bag of stockpiled meds that I can’t bring myself to get rid of

I also tried shout and they told me to ring 111 opt 2 and speak to someone but I didn’t want to waste time so I didn’t do that, same as they said about emailing the peer support worker from the peer support groups and I refused to do that coz I wouldn’t get a response as it was a Friday and she doesn’t work or respond to emails then. They also said about going to my GP but I said they were useless and don’t help.
I’ve kinda just come to turns with I’m broken and can’t be fix, that I’ve failed everyone and there isn’t much point in trying to fight this battle anymore really (I am safe though, don’t need my confidentially broken again)

Thanks for the resources

Lottie5433 · October 20

I’m actually done with everything
What’s the point anymore anyways
I’m just broken and can’t be fixed tried for too many years so no point in continuing with any of this.

shannon_164 · October 20

hey @Lottie5433 🙂

i’m really sorry you’re feeling like this, it sounds like you’ve been carrying so much pain for a long time, and that’s an incredibly heavy thing to hold alone for sure! how are you feeling now?

you don’t deserve to feel like there’s no point - you matter more than you realise, even if it doesn’t feel that way right now, i promise you do.

just in case you need im gonna add some extra support here:

if you’re feeling unsafe pls reach out for immediate support from the following:
nhs 111 - england / scotland / wales (option 2 for mental health)

phone first - northern ireland (8am-6pm monday-friday; the number will vary depending on the health & social care trust area that you live in)

out of hours - northern ireland (6pm-7:30am monday-friday, 24/7 weekends; the number will vary depending on the health & social care trust area that you live in)

999 - england / scotland / wales / northern ireland

uk helplines - some of these are specific to england / scotland / wales / northern ireland & also depend on age too:
childline (24/7) - call 08001111

shout (24/7) - text ‘shout’ to 85258

hopeline (24/7) - text 88247

samaritans (24/7) - call 116123

lifeline (24/7) - call 08088088000

papyrus (24/7) - call 08000684141

inspire wellbeing (24/7) - call 08081890036

community advice and listening line (24/7) - call 0800132737

knus (24/7) - whatsapp 07700165687

mind (9am-6pm) - call 03001233393

rethink mental illness (9:30am-4pm) - call 03005000927

kooth (12pm-10pm) - webchat on website

saneline (4pm-10pm) - call 03003047000

calm (5pm-12am) - call 0800585858

suicide prevention uk (6pm-12am) - call 08005870800

sos (8pm-12am) - call 08001151505

you don’t have to go through this by yourself, there are people who genuinely care about you

Lottie5433 · October 22

shannon_164 wrote: »

hey @Lottie5433 🙂

i’m really sorry you’re feeling like this, it sounds like you’ve been carrying so much pain for a long time, and that’s an incredibly heavy thing to hold alone for sure! how are you feeling now?

you don’t deserve to feel like there’s no point - you matter more than you realise, even if it doesn’t feel that way right now, i promise you do.

just in case you need im gonna add some extra support here:
if you’re feeling unsafe pls reach out for immediate support from the following:
nhs 111 - england / scotland / wales (option 2 for mental health)

phone first - northern ireland (8am-6pm monday-friday; the number will vary depending on the health & social care trust area that you live in)

out of hours - northern ireland (6pm-7:30am monday-friday, 24/7 weekends; the number will vary depending on the health & social care trust area that you live in)

999 - england / scotland / wales / northern ireland

uk helplines - some of these are specific to england / scotland / wales / northern ireland & also depend on age too:
childline (24/7) - call 08001111

shout (24/7) - text ‘shout’ to 85258

hopeline (24/7) - text 88247

samaritans (24/7) - call 116123

lifeline (24/7) - call 08088088000

papyrus (24/7) - call 08000684141

inspire wellbeing (24/7) - call 08081890036

community advice and listening line (24/7) - call 0800132737

knus (24/7) - whatsapp 07700165687

mind (9am-6pm) - call 03001233393

rethink mental illness (9:30am-4pm) - call 03005000927

kooth (12pm-10pm) - webchat on website

saneline (4pm-10pm) - call 03003047000

calm (5pm-12am) - call 0800585858

suicide prevention uk (6pm-12am) - call 08005870800

sos (8pm-12am) - call 08001151505

you don’t have to go through this by yourself, there are people who genuinely care about you

Hi @shannon_164 thank you so much for you message I appreciate it.
I have been carrying a lot for a while now but it’s just my normal.
I’m still feeling about the same, but I’m just trying to focus on the near future which can be hard when my mind is tormenting me.
Thank you for the extra support links
I appreciate your comment ❤️

Rant

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