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Rant
Lottie5433
Community Connector Posts: 946 Part of The Mix Family
I’ve sort of just given up with various things. The only consistent I have in my boyfriend and work.
I’m getting frustrated with the mental health sub team I’m under (CEDT)
They invited me to a peer support group and the lady running it said she’d meet me outside to ease my anxiety of going, however everytime I’ve gone to has been cancelled, this annoys me as for me to get there it is an hours drive and I’m not getting told it’s cancelled, therefore each time i go I’m wasting fuel. I have drafted an email to the lady saying I’m not turning up anymore etc and that I’ll just have wellbeing calls because at this point I can’t keep doing this.
The only thing is I don’t want to have wellbeing calls as they are never consistent in the time apart, like they are supposed to be every 6 weeks but they were never that consistent. But I also tend to withhold the truth because I don’t like talking about anything I’m going through. The team also annoyed me as they are the ones who spoke to my GP about only giving me a week of my antidepressants and folic acid because I have a tendency to stockpile and not take them so apparently I’m more “at risk” especially when heading into a crisis.
I’m annoyed at myself because I’ve relapsed with my self harm, I manage at the most a week before I relapse again but right now it just seems to be happening a lot more often and I’m struggling to hide it from those around me.
The only good thing as such is I spoke with my general manager at work and she said I’m like her little success story, because I’ve come a long way in myself and in work. She is aware of my MH struggles including an attempt (only due to the police attending my work place), so I spoke with her yesterday and mentioned how I’ve deferred camp America until 2027 as to focus on my mental health due to the fact between now and April 2026 I could start DBT and regardless of when I start it will be a year long process. Therefore logically I thought it was best to not go this coming year, which my GM agreed with.
My GM did make the comment on how she thinks I was just a bit bored so my mental health just kept getting worse and there was no improvement. She also said how I seem to be prioritising my mental health and making sure I get better etc and said “only because my boyfriend makes sure I take my medication when I don’t want to” and she said “well you know how I feel about you not taking them”. From all this my GM and Ex-AGM both said I thrive at work when my mental health is low because it keeps me busy and out of my head. My GM has also given me tasks to do throughout winter with her because she knows I enjoy paperwork and organising to I’ll be doing a lot of that which I’m looking forward to.
Despite a lot of this though I’m still struggling with my mental health and I don’t even k ow what to do.
I’m struggling to distract myself from suicidal thoughts and ideations
I’m struggling to stay in control and not relapse into self harm
I’m struggling to maintain my “control” with my eating disorder
In general I’m just struggling but putting up a front so no one catches on because I don’t want others to know or worry because I’m not worth that
Not really sure why I wrote But thanks for reading if you got this far
I’m getting frustrated with the mental health sub team I’m under (CEDT)
They invited me to a peer support group and the lady running it said she’d meet me outside to ease my anxiety of going, however everytime I’ve gone to has been cancelled, this annoys me as for me to get there it is an hours drive and I’m not getting told it’s cancelled, therefore each time i go I’m wasting fuel. I have drafted an email to the lady saying I’m not turning up anymore etc and that I’ll just have wellbeing calls because at this point I can’t keep doing this.
The only thing is I don’t want to have wellbeing calls as they are never consistent in the time apart, like they are supposed to be every 6 weeks but they were never that consistent. But I also tend to withhold the truth because I don’t like talking about anything I’m going through. The team also annoyed me as they are the ones who spoke to my GP about only giving me a week of my antidepressants and folic acid because I have a tendency to stockpile and not take them so apparently I’m more “at risk” especially when heading into a crisis.
I’m annoyed at myself because I’ve relapsed with my self harm, I manage at the most a week before I relapse again but right now it just seems to be happening a lot more often and I’m struggling to hide it from those around me.
The only good thing as such is I spoke with my general manager at work and she said I’m like her little success story, because I’ve come a long way in myself and in work. She is aware of my MH struggles including an attempt (only due to the police attending my work place), so I spoke with her yesterday and mentioned how I’ve deferred camp America until 2027 as to focus on my mental health due to the fact between now and April 2026 I could start DBT and regardless of when I start it will be a year long process. Therefore logically I thought it was best to not go this coming year, which my GM agreed with.
My GM did make the comment on how she thinks I was just a bit bored so my mental health just kept getting worse and there was no improvement. She also said how I seem to be prioritising my mental health and making sure I get better etc and said “only because my boyfriend makes sure I take my medication when I don’t want to” and she said “well you know how I feel about you not taking them”. From all this my GM and Ex-AGM both said I thrive at work when my mental health is low because it keeps me busy and out of my head. My GM has also given me tasks to do throughout winter with her because she knows I enjoy paperwork and organising to I’ll be doing a lot of that which I’m looking forward to.
Despite a lot of this though I’m still struggling with my mental health and I don’t even k ow what to do.
I’m struggling to distract myself from suicidal thoughts and ideations
I’m struggling to stay in control and not relapse into self harm
I’m struggling to maintain my “control” with my eating disorder
In general I’m just struggling but putting up a front so no one catches on because I don’t want others to know or worry because I’m not worth that
Not really sure why I wrote But thanks for reading if you got this far
6
Comments
you’re deserving of being heard and listened to. i know things are rly difficult for you but just wanted to say im here for you. you don’t have to go through this alone. you rly are a great person and you are always welcome to share how you’re feeling.
I'm sorry to hear about your experience with the mental health sub team - it sounds like a frustrating situation between the cancelled groups, inconsistent wellbeing calls and your comfort around talking about what you're going through. Your feelings are valid, and we hear you.
Please be kind to yourself about relapsing - it happens, and I can hear that you're trying your best to manage a difficult situation. You mentioned that you're struggling to hide it from people - is there someone that you feel comfortable talking to about your experience? Or alternatively, are there other outlets (such as journalling) that can help you to express yourself in some way?
It's good to hear that your general manager is aware of your struggles and your journey, supportive of you looking after your wellbeing, and holds you in positive regard about your work. How does it feel to have someone at your workplace who is supportive and understands your wellbeing journey?
And finally, I can hear that you're trying to put up a front so that people don't worry about you. You are worthy of support, and you are worth worrying about. Your mental wellbeing is important, and your general manager is an example that there's someone in your life that values this. We're also here to support you and listen to you through this.
Can I check, what have those suicidal feelings looked like for you in some of the hardest moments lately?
And similarly with your eating disorder - what has it looked like for the ED to feel harder to control right now?
I'll share below some resources that can offer further support if you wish:
https://peerchat.link/BEAT_supportgroups
https://peerchat.link/NSHN
https://peerchat.link/ditch_SH
Those parts of you struggling with these feelings deserve so much time and understanding, Lottie, and we really appreciate your trust sharing here.