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Breakup
LolaPumpkin13
Posts: 29 Boards Initiate
Sure it is going to be a long story but we met in work we was always together during a few weeks together I met his family we went to Poole and on the same night my families home caught on fire and I was living in hotels constantly moving around had belongings in bags and he was always with me whether that was at his the hotels or work even if he was working and I wasn’t I was with him whether that was in the break room waiting for him or if he was working on reception I would stand next to reception not that I didn’t trust him but because he wanted me there but there was times where I accused my ex of cheating due to a past relationship a few times living in the hotel but as soon as I moved in the flat it just all changed I just thought breaking up with him even though there was nothing wrong and it can back a few times and just the thoughts of being single and searching it up and said something about avoidant attachments and commitment issues and remember asking my grandad about it and he said you and my ex are young so you should be out having fun and my head just said about going out clubbing and sleeping with other people we went on a break a few times because of the single thoughts but I would always run back but it just got worse I tried going to the doctors for the thoughts and they told me to go to vitalminds and they said the couldn’t do anything as it wasn’t mental health so they told me about counselling for relationships which I did do but I couldn’t do anymore also I has thoughts of cheating which I searched up because I didn’t understand and it said to tell your partner which I did which obviously he was upset and it would go but it would come back and I couldn’t take it anymore so we broke up for the last time because I remember speaking to dad about and he said to let him go which I did but even since I’ve tried fighting for him getting him back I’ve been to all different mental health places I’ve had many suicidal attempts but he doesn’t want anything to do with me anymore which breaks my heart as he was my everything
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Comments
@LolaPumpkin13 so, a quick disclaimer, i have the relationship experience and emotional intelligence of a brick wall, and even then, the brick wall still has one over on me, so apoligies if this doesn't sound any good.
So first things first, well done for opening up like this and sharing this. I know it isn't easy typing that all out, and opening up, so well done. You've been through such hardship, and an extremely emotionally painful time. Losing your house to a fire and moving from hotel to hotel sounds crushing in of itself, and having that close relationship be sort of like your rock through it all, just shows how significant the relationship was for you, and to lose that is painful.
It's okay to have gotten scared and fearful over the possibility of him cheating. It doesn't mean you don't love him, and it doesn't mean you're a bad person. Avoidant attachment and commitment anxiety are very real things, and given how much of a rock for you that relationship was, it's understandable getting anxiety over it. What if's, fears, concerns about cheating, that's your brain trying to protect you as best it can, not always in the best way though. Going on breaks, having conflicting thoughts about being single, about doing things like going clubbing, with people like your grandpa encouraging it, which in my eyes was not a good thing to do, that's all understandable given the circumstances. It never meant you didn't love him. You were going through an extreme time of stress and uncertainty, struggling with potentially avoidant attachment and commitment anxiety, it's no wonder it was probably confusing for you how you felt and what you wanted. The fact that you even researched a bit into it shows you were making efforts to understand why you thought that way. That's not a small thing to do, so again, well done.
And the thoughts of cheating, which so long as you didn't act on it, was okay, you were open about it, didn't cheat, tried to find out why you wanted to, and was completely open and honest. That isn't a textbook cheater, it's somebody who's struggling to understand why they think the way they think, and refused to cheat anyway. That's not something to be ashamed of, it's something to be proud of, that you didn't. You were honest, open, followed the advice you were given, and tried to do the right thing. That takes a lot of courage, so give yourself some credit for it.
It really sounds like everything hit you at once this last few months. Moving into your flat after all that instability, hotel to hotel, trying to keep your relationship together, whilst also struggling to understand yourself and your relationship, getting conflicting advice, having conflicting feelings. Anybody would crack under that stress, so don't be hard on yourself for how you handled things. You did the best you could with what you understood at the time, and that's all anybody can do. I know it will be painful that he doesn't want contact anymore after this last breakup. That sort of thing is agonisingly painful, especially when he was such a huge part of your life in a time of such huge instability. It's okay to grieve that loss.
It's also important that you perhaps look at getting therapy or counselling to work on those avoidant attachment and commitment anxieties. I'm not 100% certain, but it may be worth signing up to NHS talking therapies, doing a therapy assessment session, and they'll put you on a list for the best therapy pathway to help with that. Again, this doesn't mean your a bad person or anything like that. There are mental health conditions that can explain the sorts of behaviours and thoughts and feelings you had in your relationship. What's important for any future relationship is getting support for them and working on them. If that makes sense.
Sorry for the long reply btw, and sorry if any of it doesn't make sense, or sounds wrong.
@LolaPumpkin13 the fact that you tried to get help during the relationship just shows how much you were trying. At the very least, take pride in that. You said you were worried about being manipulative controlling and emotionally abusive, but would a person who was any of those things have even attempted to seek help to become a better partner?
If talking therapies were useless, which to be fair, the UK's mental health services do rank as the 2nd lowest in the world for, then that's a failure on them, not you. NHS talking therapies do say they can help with behavours on their website tbh, so they've let you down there. Have you been able to ask your gp to involve cmht perhaps?
@LolaPumpkin13 what might help is trying to write a list of all the issues you've been struggling with, so for example, how the counselling didn't really work long term, how the thoughts kept coming back, and how you have been suicidal and still confused about how you feel. It's a lot easier to go over things point by point with a pre prepared list than trying to think of it all off the top of your head whilst in a meeting with your GP. CHMT's might be referred in this case, and what they'll do is they'll offer you support, longer term, as talking therapies are generally short term things. I have heard mixed things from them though, but it's worth a shot.
And it's normal to feel lost and to struggle everyday. he was clearly such a huge part of your life, and i wish i had some advice to give about been able to cope, but i don't really have any. What's important is you try and find something you do like, even if it just gives you a fleeting moment of happiness for a minute. For me it was feeding the ducks at the park. The small things, and just hold on to those small moments, like an anchor in a storm. To get you through the worst of it.
@LolaPumpkin13 So, if you're under 18, it's CAHMS, and if your over 18 is CMHT's. It stands for community mental health teams, and it's the NHS's way of saying we're full up in the hospital, so we want to offer long term support for people with mental health issues outside of it. So, if you have a mental health issue that short term treatments like NHS talking therapies aren't helping with, then CMHT will get involved, at your GP's referral, and they can offer longer term stuff, like long term therapies and specialist support services. You'll have access to support from psychiatrists, psychologists, and all sorts, whatever you need. Specialist support you don't currently have I'm assuming.
@LolaPumpkin13 I can't say for certain, but sometimes the way our brains work is confusing. Avoidant attachment issues, committment anxieties, and anxieties over other stuff like fear of missing out can really make us make rash decisions or poor decisions at times. Nobody has ever gone their whole life without making a few mistakes here and there, and a few bad decisions. And with advice from you grandpa saying stuff like your young and should be going out, and with societal pressures, and parents saying to let him go, it's understandable being confused even now about how you feel, and why you made certain choices. Does that make sense? Sometimes the way our brains work with anxieties, external pressures, and things like that can cause us to make regrettable choices, like breaking up. That would be my guess based on what i've heard so far.
@LolaPumpkin13 that sounds heartbreaking. I really wish i had some advice to help you through grieving the relationship you had. But i'm really useless at that sort of stuff. What i will say is it's time to fight for yourself now. Fight to get the mental health support you deserve from CMHT's, and fight to better understand yourself.
It's a dreadful situation, and it's okay to be crushed and heartbroken over it. It's human. You did your best in a confusing and extremely challenging situation, and anybody in your shoes would struggle just the same.
And the thing is, you never cheated. Just from you being open and honest, and the fact you were actively seeking mental health support whilst in that relationship, but being let down by the mental health services, the fact you were researching why you felt certain ways, that shows the complexity of the situation and that you were trying your best. And if he's perspective, he would see that.
Right now, the most important person to fight for, is yourself. Your peace of mind, you being able to understand why you feel certain ways, and do certain things, and your future.
@LolaPumpkin13 It's okay to feel guilty. Sometimes, guilt is okay to have. Not everything was perfect, yes could have done things better in the relationship. everybody in life could have done things better. It's okay to feel guilt over things. But you shouldn't feel guilty for relaxing and not worrying anymore. That's called moving forward and trying to move on, and most importantly, looking after yourself, which should be number 1 priority.
And it's completely normal as well to have thoughts that scare you and make you question how you feel. But i will just remind you that you actively tried to get support when you were in the relationship, actively tried to research why you were feeling the ways you were, and were open and honest. If you didn't love them, why would you put all that effort in? Also, why would you feel guilt if you didn't love them. Fleeting thoughts and fears, don't always reflect reality. If that makes sense?
Right now, letting yourself enjoy your game, distracting yourself, and giving yourself a break from worrying is the single best thing you can do for your mental health. You are doing the best you can, you are taking efforts to see a GP to talk about things and possibly get CMHT's support, so well done.
@LolaPumpkin13 the point of the sessions is the help you to get the support you deserve. With any luck, they'll give you longer term support, if they involve CMHT's, who can help you better than they currently are.
And about not knowing what to do without him, it's okay to not be sure and not know. Heartbreak isn't something that's fixed overnight. Sometimes, all you can do, is try to find what small moments of happiness you can, and hold on to them, until time helps to ease that pain, and makes it manageable.
@LolaPumpkin13 It will hurt a lot. I fully understand that, and i wish i had some advice to ease things, but the important thing to remember is that this pain won't be forever. With any luck, you're GP will be able to put you through to specialist support who can help you long term through this pain. I know you feel alone right now, and i'm fully aware of how crushing that can be, but that can change, over time. The hard thing right now, i assume, is making it through day by day, until that support comes in. Finding some sort of hobby, or something that gives you even 5 minutes of fleeting happiness is the best thing to do. For me, when i was going through an extreme low point, it was feeding ducks at the park which put a smile on my face for 5 minutes, and i held onto that like an anchor through a storm, until the storm became manageable. Finding something that even gives you a tiny bit of happiness is really important right now for you i think. Sorry if any of this sounds odd or wrong.