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Opening up [TW//: mention of ED, SH and suicidal thoughts
Lottie5433
Community Connector Posts: 852 Part of The Mix Family
Im not sure if this is the right place to put this in so please move if its incorrect.
So for the last month ive been talking to this guy I work with (i will refer to him as Z) he is so sweet and genuine, not like past relationships ive had. We have officially been in a relationship for just over 2 weeks now.
For me this relationship is positive as he understands that I need to take things slowly due to past history.
This is where im finding things a bit more difficult. So this past week ive been struggling alot with ny mental health. Becsuse of this ive relapsed in alot of areas including self harm and eating disorder behaviours. My boyfriend tries to be supportive but im not sure how to go about telling him what I need in the moment. For example when im in my head and am restricting he will either buy me food (I feel i have to eat it then) which then leads to purging, or he will go "fine if your not eating im not either" like i dont know how I can tell him that its not helpful etc.
Then yesterday: early morning and day i couldn't cope and I had suicidal thoughts and self-harm urges. I gave into the urges and yeah thats self explanatory. So my boyfriends found out about this because he found out the night before when I left his intentions didn't go sleep till 3am and woke up at 6am and was crying, so he was messaging me constantly to check if I was okay. So our thing is that I have to say "I promise im okay" for him to believe me, therfore yesterday I avoided that completly till about midday where I said "if can promise now" which made him worried and concerned. Now when I got to work I saw him breifly and he asked if I had "do anything" and I walked away because I didnt want him to know, he eventually found out I did SH and told me he's not disappointed or anything but he wanted to see if they were okay. I refused to show him, 1 because I had wrapped and treated them and 2 I dont want him to see that side of me
Then to back track a bit when I finished work I again breifly saw him and told him I wrote like 4 paragraphs that I was going to send him but didnt want to.
So this morning I picked him up from work and I allowed him to read them as it was a deal of if i picked him up at 7:30 so he could be at work for 8 then he was allowed to read it. I didnt want him to read it but he wouldn't put his seatbelt on unless i let him.
I dont even know why I made this post but I guess i just feel very overwhelmed by the situation and not sure how I go about allowing him into what I call...
The shit show
Or
The hot mess express
Like ive given him many chances to leave but he hasnt I just dont want him to get hurt by anything I do (how i cope or the consequences of the way i cope)
If you made it this far in the post, thank you for reading it
So for the last month ive been talking to this guy I work with (i will refer to him as Z) he is so sweet and genuine, not like past relationships ive had. We have officially been in a relationship for just over 2 weeks now.
For me this relationship is positive as he understands that I need to take things slowly due to past history.
This is where im finding things a bit more difficult. So this past week ive been struggling alot with ny mental health. Becsuse of this ive relapsed in alot of areas including self harm and eating disorder behaviours. My boyfriend tries to be supportive but im not sure how to go about telling him what I need in the moment. For example when im in my head and am restricting he will either buy me food (I feel i have to eat it then) which then leads to purging, or he will go "fine if your not eating im not either" like i dont know how I can tell him that its not helpful etc.
Then yesterday: early morning and day i couldn't cope and I had suicidal thoughts and self-harm urges. I gave into the urges and yeah thats self explanatory. So my boyfriends found out about this because he found out the night before when I left his intentions didn't go sleep till 3am and woke up at 6am and was crying, so he was messaging me constantly to check if I was okay. So our thing is that I have to say "I promise im okay" for him to believe me, therfore yesterday I avoided that completly till about midday where I said "if can promise now" which made him worried and concerned. Now when I got to work I saw him breifly and he asked if I had "do anything" and I walked away because I didnt want him to know, he eventually found out I did SH and told me he's not disappointed or anything but he wanted to see if they were okay. I refused to show him, 1 because I had wrapped and treated them and 2 I dont want him to see that side of me
i found out last night he also told his brother i had SH, as he didnt know what to do and i had previously been with Z brother
Also last night he tried getting me to eat as we went to our friends house and they ordered us all pizza. I didnt eat anything. We went outside breifly and Z told me " he loves me and is here to stay, he doesnt care that I have all these issues he just wants to support me" then I felt awkward because we were holding hands and he was flipping my hands/wrists over so he could see where I had SH. At this point I pulled away and pulled my jumper sleeves down because it made me uncomfortable.Then to back track a bit when I finished work I again breifly saw him and told him I wrote like 4 paragraphs that I was going to send him but didnt want to.
So this morning I picked him up from work and I allowed him to read them as it was a deal of if i picked him up at 7:30 so he could be at work for 8 then he was allowed to read it. I didnt want him to read it but he wouldn't put his seatbelt on unless i let him.
My head told me i cant hurt him but if it was me then i doesnt matter if i had my belt on or not.
I knew what response id get and he came back with the same responses of "im here for you, I want you to open up and be vulnerable, im not like they people in your past etc"I dont even know why I made this post but I guess i just feel very overwhelmed by the situation and not sure how I go about allowing him into what I call...
The shit show
Or
The hot mess express
Like ive given him many chances to leave but he hasnt I just dont want him to get hurt by anything I do (how i cope or the consequences of the way i cope)
If you made it this far in the post, thank you for reading it
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Comments
I'm so sorry to hear your struggling with that battle, but he wants to be by your side through it, if you'll let him. You shouldn't have to hide your struggles to your partner, not one who is clearly wanting to help you.