Opening up [TW//: mention of ED, SH and suicidal thoughts

Lottie5433

Im not sure if this is the right place to put this in so please move if its incorrect.

So for the last month ive been talking to this guy I work with (i will refer to him as Z) he is so sweet and genuine, not like past relationships ive had. We have officially been in a relationship for just over 2 weeks now.
For me this relationship is positive as he understands that I need to take things slowly due to past history.

This is where im finding things a bit more difficult. So this past week ive been struggling alot with ny mental health. Becsuse of this ive relapsed in alot of areas including self harm and eating disorder behaviours. My boyfriend tries to be supportive but im not sure how to go about telling him what I need in the moment. For example when im in my head and am restricting he will either buy me food (I feel i have to eat it then) which then leads to purging, or he will go "fine if your not eating im not either" like i dont know how I can tell him that its not helpful etc.

Then yesterday: early morning and day i couldn't cope and I had suicidal thoughts and self-harm urges. I gave into the urges and yeah thats self explanatory. So my boyfriends found out about this because he found out the night before when I left his intentions didn't go sleep till 3am and woke up at 6am and was crying, so he was messaging me constantly to check if I was okay. So our thing is that I have to say "I promise im okay" for him to believe me, therfore yesterday I avoided that completly till about midday where I said "if can promise now" which made him worried and concerned. Now when I got to work I saw him breifly and he asked if I had "do anything" and I walked away because I didnt want him to know, he eventually found out I did SH and told me he's not disappointed or anything but he wanted to see if they were okay. I refused to show him, 1 because I had wrapped and treated them and 2 I dont want him to see that side of me

i found out last night he also told his brother i had SH, as he didnt know what to do and i had previously been with Z brother

Also last night he tried getting me to eat as we went to our friends house and they ordered us all pizza. I didnt eat anything. We went outside breifly and Z told me " he loves me and is here to stay, he doesnt care that I have all these issues he just wants to support me" then I felt awkward because we were holding hands and he was flipping my hands/wrists over so he could see where I had SH. At this point I pulled away and pulled my jumper sleeves down because it made me uncomfortable.

Then to back track a bit when I finished work I again breifly saw him and told him I wrote like 4 paragraphs that I was going to send him but didnt want to.
So this morning I picked him up from work and I allowed him to read them as it was a deal of if i picked him up at 7:30 so he could be at work for 8 then he was allowed to read it. I didnt want him to read it but he wouldn't put his seatbelt on unless i let him.

My head told me i cant hurt him but if it was me then i doesnt matter if i had my belt on or not.

I knew what response id get and he came back with the same responses of "im here for you, I want you to open up and be vulnerable, im not like they people in your past etc"

I dont even know why I made this post but I guess i just feel very overwhelmed by the situation and not sure how I go about allowing him into what I call...

The shit show
Or
The hot mess express

Like ive given him many chances to leave but he hasnt I just dont want him to get hurt by anything I do (how i cope or the consequences of the way i cope)

If you made it this far in the post, thank you for reading it

Nathan

@Lottie5433 it sounds like you've got a good one there. You have given him chances to leave, but he doesn't because he cares about you and wants to support you as much as you need, and that right there is love. You are still being the kindest person in the world right now trying to shield him from it, but he doesn't want to be shielded from it, He wants to help you.

I'm so sorry to hear your struggling with that battle, but he wants to be by your side through it, if you'll let him. You shouldn't have to hide your struggles to your partner, not one who is clearly wanting to help you.

Redemption

@Lottie5433 youre so strong to share all of that. It sounds like you're going through a really hard time and feeling very overwhelmed. I'm really proud of you for opening up and trying to let someone in. That takes a lot of courage. It's clear you care about this guy and don't want to hurt him, but you deserve support too. It's ok to let him know gently when something isn't helping, like the food or the wrist stuff. You’re definitely not a burden, please dont think that, I know its easier said than done. You’re doing your best. Take things at your own pace and try to be kind to yourself. You're not alone in this. We're always here if you need.

Sian321

@Lottie5433 , thank you so much for sharing this. I want to echo everything that @Redemption and @DonnerKebab have said here. It is so valid that allowing your partner to see what you're going through and growing closer to him feels terrifying in ways. I really do hear just how vulnerable and exposing letting him in feels at times, and how you don't ever wish to hurt him. It feels so powerful that you're taking things day by day, speaking out here, and it sounds as though there are conversations you two have now had together that perhaps even just a couple of months ago would have felt so frightening to think about.

I hope you can let yourself take things at your own pace and go gently with yourself throughout this process, because everything you're thinking and feeling right now is valid and deserves to be met with so much understanding.

I wonder if you've felt able to speak with anyone else in your life about how your relationship with Z has been feeling? Is there anyone else who know's you've been dating?

We're here for you as your Community.

ameliawillsharevoice

@Lottie5433 ok that is such a brave thing to share. Your bf seems to want to stay by your side and cares for you deeply! I can understand why your uncertain about him ( trauma is like a scar, never fully fades) and he has to understand how you feel as well as trying to help you get back on track. He seems really worried for you and genuinely caring about you. You do not just have to dump him in your "shit show" you can slowly open up about it. I wish you luck and I hope your ok!

Azziman

Hey @ameliawillsharevoice - this thread has had no replies for 7 months, so I'm going to close it now. For future reference, it's best to only comment on discussions that are recently active (within a few weeks is a good general rule) - please do check the date of the last response before responding to check whether it's still active. Thanks!