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Struggling to cope with the aftermath of ending some friendships
Creativeboy23
Posts: 322 The Mix Regular
I am not looking for any solutions. I know that my feelings and thoughts are justifiable, but I just want to feel validated and heard.
Hello.
Even though I do not want to speak to my ex-friends, I have thought about how they have asked my mutual friend to tell me that they do not want me to speak to them anymore but one of them is sending me and deleting her messages which is double standard. I know they probably told me to end my communication with them out of anger because I told them I did not want to continue my friendship with them. However, it does not excuse their behaviour, and the emotional manipulation has been making me feel resentful.
I am considering removing my friends’ numbers and unfriending them on social media. I have been afraid that I will be reacting to the deletion of messages, that they may confront me if they see me, and others will criticise me for my decision. I know that removing contact is a proactive step to take to prioritise my wellbeing so it is unlikely others will criticise me for this step. If they do, it is their opinions and they do not invalidate my decision. I recognise that my ex-friends may confront me but I do not have to engage with them. It has been hard to have my anxious thoughts because others usually focus on my thinking being unhelpful. I am aware that others have probably meant well and wanted to make me aware of my thoughts and encourage me to challenge them, but it has been making it difficult to have my thoughts, exacerbating my anxiety.
I have been anticipating other negative scenarios like others hearing my ex-friends’ side of the story and approaching me about it. I cannot be sure that this will happen or is occurring, but it is reasonable to worry that they could be telling others lies about me and they accept it as truth.
I have done well to cope with the impact of ending my friendships and challenge my thinking and continue with getting on with my life. It shows how resilient I am.
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Comments
It sounds like they could be trying to get a reaction out of you, and I hear that maybe you just want to be left alone. How you're feeling is really valid here because even though they've said they don't want you to speak to them anymore, I hear one of them is still reaching out and then deleting their messages. That's really confusing and kind of like a mind-game. And you're right that even though you don't know if the negative scenarios you're imagining will even happen, it makes sense to worry because how they're acting at the moment sounds a little bit unpredictable.
I really like this sentence because yes you have @Creativeboy23
Hello @Katie,
I know. I have been reminding myself of how much of a great job I am doing when going through difficult experiences.
That is exactly what I thought too. It did seem like she did it to continue the conflict when I ended it.
Even though I have removed my former friends contacts, and tried to keep going ending, my mind has been stuck replaying an interaction with a former friend. I was remembering when she focussed on the intention behind her comment instead of how it impacted me. It has been making me feel silenced, and still very hurt especially when she used to be in a romantic relationship with a mutual friend. My internal voice has been mimicking her, trying to explain away other people’s actions. I know the critical voice is not accurate because she is not present with me and there are no situations currently where she could focus on intent. I also know that it was valid for the comment to have made me feel invalidated, regardless of the intention. However, it has reinforced the impact of her invalidation. It is understandable that it will have a lasting impact, causing me to anticipate getting similar experiences in the future.
I have also still been hurt that she did not take any accountability for dismissing how a comment made me feel, and my other former friend refused to take responsibility for the impact of excluding me from the group. They spoke to me as though they did nothing wrong, and blamed me for the entire conflict. I am aware that they will also be in pain from ending my friendship with them and that not everyone will come to realise the impact of their actions. I know that what they did was wrong, regardless of whether they have not realised the impact of their actions, even though they could have now. However, it is hard to get over being blamed for the disagreement. It is also reasonable to expect them to see the hurt caused and be upset if they do not.
I keep anticipating future confrontations from them, others getting involved, and how I will react. It is possible that these scenarios could happen but it is impossible to know for certain that they will. I may never see them again. The thoughts are not accurate. However, it has been creating anxiety, triggering another scenario, leading to a negative thought which I challenged and validated.
I recognise that I am doing my best to move forward from the experience. It is understandable that it is difficult to get over the situation. I will move on from it but it will take time. It is commendable that I am continuing to journal my feelings and thoughts and challenging my thoughts and sharing them in this community. It shows how proactive I am in taking care of my mental health.
From what I’ve gathered, I first of all want to let you know how good a job you’re doing. It’s clear that you’ve being doing lots of positive healthy steps to try and protect your mental health and inner peace as much as you can, including looking at both sides of the situation, journalling your feelings, and recognising and staying true to your own perceptions and beliefs about right and wrong.
It is never easy when friendships and connections with people end, as despite the fallout, we often hold some positive memories with those people. It can be hard when the people who hurt us don’t take accountability for their actions, and its something a lot of us will go through at one stage or another in our lives.
I think it’s also fairly common to think about what you might say or do if you ever encountered them again in the future. I know when I’ve had friendships end, I’ve also sat and thought about the same thing. But it can sometimes lead to a negative spiral of loads of different scenarios that may or may not happen. But it is good to see that you are challenging these negative thoughts and feelings as best you can. Keep doing that and I’m sure in time things will get easier. As the cliché saying goes ‘time is the best healer’.
But ultimately, it seems you are doing everything you can to be proactive about not letting this situation bring you down too much, and keep yourself in a stable and positive state of mind. You’re doing an amazing job so keep it up!!!!
We’re all here for you and in your corner - whether you need to vent some more, get some advice or just have a general chitchat. Sending hugs 😊
Hello @sinead276,
I agree. I do remind myself of my proactiveness in taking care of my wellbeing when struggling with my mental health.
Well said. Thank you for your support. Sending hugs to you.
As you said, it feels so valid that you had wished for your former friends to understand how they had caused you hurt and to empathise with this. I can imagine feeling blamed for everything might have been very hard, and it is so positive that you have been working to speak to yourself kindly, to be curious about the different thoughts and feelings that are coming up for you through this process, and to be giving yourself time.
We're all here for you on Community, and thank you again very much for trusting us with what you've shared
Hello @Sian321,
I am feeling okay and things being okay so far. The negative memories with my former friends have not resurfaced this week but they affected me last week. It has been up and down.
Yes. I did wish but it is possible that they might have realised. I will never know but it is unlikely they have since I did not get an apology for being excluded from the group and the intention behind the comment kept being justified. I took myself out of the dynamic which can be a difficult thing to do. It can be hard sometimes when the blame crops up. They spoke as though they were the victims.
I have been doing well to get through it.
Thank you all for your support.