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Pretending that I’m not at rock bottom
Rose113
Community Champion Posts: 3,078 Boards Guru
I feel like I’m constantly having to pretend that I’m not at rock bottom when deep down I can barely fake being happy and I hate it. I just want things to get better already so I don’t have to feel this crap anymore.
TW// self harm
TW// alcohol and my birth mom
TW// flashbacks and PTSD
TW// flashbacks
College
TW// self harm
I stopped self harming so I’m 3 days harm free and it’s okay I guess but I only stopped because the object wasn’t clean so I had to throw it in the bin and I guess I was okay with doing that for the most part
TW// alcohol and my birth mom
Part of the reason why I backed out on seeing my birth mom yesterday was because my brother told me that she drinks in the day and that is a big trigger for me
TW// flashbacks and PTSD
So as some are aware I was recently told I have PTSD and it impacts me day to day badly like any small trigger and I get flashbacks that sometimes lead to panic attacks which is there the severe anxiety comes from apparently
TW// flashbacks
last night I started to get really bad flashbacks once I’d got home from going back to my hometown and seeing the different places like my old house and foster home etc. I don’t remember much other than I was getting flashbacks and wound up like my head was spinning in a circle with everythigg n echoing and flashbacks going really fast in front of me with laughing and yelling and then I think I age regressed or something because I woke up to a message from my friend asking if I was okay but that’s all I remember 😕
College
the other day I was looking on one of the software we have for college and basically the teaching assistant didn’t put the nicest message on and it basically said that I refuse support even though this teaching assistant hates me and ignores me all of class and only when she does notice me it’s to death stare me and I’m not like overthinking it because 2 other classmates have confirmed that the teaching assistant doesn’t actually give a crap about me which hurt but now because it’s on records college are going to think I’m not trying when I am 
Sometimes when the people most like you don't love you, it is a hurt that can cause the greatest pain, and this pain can lead you to hate everything.
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Comments
I did want to acknowledge this post though because you have shown so much strength in putting this post together. You have come so far in recognising your own boundaries and what is triggering for you. How did it feel to assert your boundary around not seeing your mum due to the drinking?
Have you got any support around this and the triggers more generally at the moment? You really deserve support. It sounds positive that you have friends who understand and are there for you. Is there anything else which you find particularly helpful in managing the triggers?
We can really hear how hard you are trying, even if not everyone is recognising this at the moment. Is there someone in College who you feel safer around who you might be able to discuss this comment with and ask for support from? Although no one needs support 100% of the time, so this could be a part of refusing help too, you deserve all the support you are eligible for. If this particular teaching assistant is unable to provide this support for you then I am wondering if there may be someone who feels comfier for you to receive this support from?