Pretending that I’m not at rock bottom

Rose113

I feel like I’m constantly having to pretend that I’m not at rock bottom when deep down I can barely fake being happy and I hate it. I just want things to get better already so I don’t have to feel this crap anymore.

TW// self harm

I stopped self harming so I’m 3 days harm free and it’s okay I guess but I only stopped because the object wasn’t clean so I had to throw it in the bin and I guess I was okay with doing that for the most part

TW// alcohol and my birth mom

Part of the reason why I backed out on seeing my birth mom yesterday was because my brother told me that she drinks in the day and that is a big trigger for me

TW// flashbacks and PTSD

So as some are aware I was recently told I have PTSD and it impacts me day to day badly like any small trigger and I get flashbacks that sometimes lead to panic attacks which is there the severe anxiety comes from apparently

TW// flashbacks

last night I started to get really bad flashbacks once I’d got home from going back to my hometown and seeing the different places like my old house and foster home etc. I don’t remember much other than I was getting flashbacks and wound up like my head was spinning in a circle with everythigg n echoing and flashbacks going really fast in front of me with laughing and yelling and then I think I age regressed or something because I woke up to a message from my friend asking if I was okay but that’s all I remember 😕

College

the other day I was looking on one of the software we have for college and basically the teaching assistant didn’t put the nicest message on and it basically said that I refuse support even though this teaching assistant hates me and ignores me all of class and only when she does notice me it’s to death stare me and I’m not like overthinking it because 2 other classmates have confirmed that the teaching assistant doesn’t actually give a crap about me which hurt but now because it’s on records college are going to think I’m not trying when I am