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Sounds like you are going through a lot right now. I really hope that getting it all out helped a little though.

Results day

Regarding exams, it's understandable you would be stressing out over your results. And it's not helped when others, who are perhaps trying to be supportive, are telling you that you'll have done well and to stop stressing. Naturally, you'd be concerned that this might not be the case, especially when you struggled with your mental health. But I want to reassure you that, even if worst case scenario, you don't pass the exams, it doesn't mean you can't be a primary school teacher. It is possible to resit exams, or even take exams once you've left school/college.

If you really want to be a primary teacher, then I think the fact that you want to be one, would probably make you a decent teacher. Some people go into teaching thinking that it's easy or that teachers have lots of time off (school holidays), but for those who actually want to make a difference to the lives of children, it can be quite a rewarding career. Teaching can be stressful at times, so I'm wondering whether you have thought of similar jobs you could do as well? Perhaps you could try these jobs to get a feel for teaching? I'm thinking of things like a classroom/teaching assistant, nursery assistant or working in after school clubs.

Whatever you go on to do, the most important thing is your wellbeing. Are there things you can try to help you look after yourself a bit better? Thinking of ways to help take care of yourself better now can help you in the future too. And, if you do go on to teacher training, you can also seek support from the college/university counsellor.

So this is going to sound a bit weird, but it's okay to disappoint others. Sometimes things don't work out, or we realise that there is a mismatch in the expectations of others and ourselves, or what is realistic for us. Of course, when this happens it feels awful in the moment. But in the long term, we and others can learn to accept ourselves and find out what is more realistic in terms of expectations.

Your sisters

It sounds like things have changed between you and your sister since she has moved out. Perhaps she is busy with her life (particularly if the move was recent) and hasn't managed to get the balance right between her new life in Scotland and her old life back home. I think visiting your sister before college sounds like a nice idea. If your dad wouldn't let you travel alone, is it possible that he could go with you? It's possible that he would like to see your sister again too.

I'm sorry to hear that your relationship with your sister that you live with isn't good either. It might be that she doesn't really understand your struggles with your mental health very well, and perhaps thinks that it's okay to tell her friends stuff about you or thinks that you are attention seeking. When people don't understand things, they can judge and make assumptions, but it doesn't make what they say true at all.

Your dad

I'm also saddened to hear that your relationship with your dad is also tense too. Is it possible at all that he doesn't know or understand how you are feeling these days? Do you think it would be worth trying to talk to him about how you miss his hugs and hearing him tell you that he loves you? It sounds quite isolating and stressful to be left out of family things and also feel that your family likes to joke around and you feel you have to be the responsible one. I think it was a sensible idea to continue with the food shopping by yourself, especially if your family were causing you to feel embarrassed.

It must've been really difficult for you to have been holding in your true feelings when talking to your old counsellor. It does sound like you could do with an outlet for your feelings and it's a shame you don't have your counsellor to talk to anymore. Is it possible to have counselling when you go back to school/college in September? If not, you might want to talk to your GP about a referral for counselling.

Your best friend

When friendship groups grow, it's natural for friendship dynamics to change too. Perhaps your best friend might not realise how you feel, so talking to her might be an option. Though I understand that you don't want to lose her or make things worse between you both. If you don't want to talk to her, then perhaps just continue to ask her to hang out, or remind of her of the good times you've had together and how you miss that. Even if the friendship isn't as close as what it used to be, you can still be friends and you never know the friendship may go back to being close like before. And if not, you can take comfort in the fact that you had a great friend and that there are other people out in the world who would also make great friends too.

Grief

I'm sorry to hear about your stepmom and your aunt. It's difficult adjusting to life without loved ones, especially when we get to milestones and think about how they should be here for these things and how much we miss them. It sounds like your stepmom meant an awful lot to you. I don't know if it helps at all, but sometimes thinking about how our loved ones would help us and cheer us up might help us to find ways of looking after ourselves (because that's what our loved ones would want). Even though your stepmom sadly isn't with you anymore, the memories you have of her and being able to imagine how she would comfort you, with live on in you

Mental health

Recovering from mental health struggles isn't always a straight forward journey. Sometimes there are setbacks and that's okay. It doesn't mean you've failed. It just means taking a step back and looking at why you things aren't working for you at the moment and what you can do to help get back on top of your mental health.

The same goes for recovering from self-harm too. Sometimes relapses happen, but it doesn't mean you've failed. You might've already seen this but I'll still post it because it can be helpful, but feel free to check out our article on coping with a self-harm relapse https://www.themix.org.uk/mental-health/self-harm/how-to-cope-with-a-self-harm-relapse-5684.html if you think it might be helpful.

You aren't a burden and I'm really glad you did post this. It sounds like you could do with more supportive people around you, and I imagine that must be a bit difficult to get when it's the school holidays. You could always try The Mix's services https://www.themix.org.uk/get-support/speak-to-our-team and you are always more than welcome to continue posting here

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Gemma

You've done so well to reach out @Chloe234 and I'm so proud of you for articulating your thoughts here. We're here to support you and I hope it's been helpful getting some of this off your chest.

Results day
I can hear how much this course means to you, Chloe - it's exciting to hear you speak about it and it’s clear you’ve put a lot of thought into your future. There's no getting around the fact that it is tough if things don’t go as planned, especially when you’re so passionate about what you want to do. Remember, if your results don't go as planned, this doesn't define your potential, and there are always options to explore. You have the experience (which sounds fab btw!) and dedication, and that will take you far, even if the path might look different than expected. You're not in any rush and I have no doubt you'll get there. I'm sure if you were to speak to the college, they could work out a plan for you joining the course at a later date if you needed to resit anything.

It’s amazing how much experience you’ve already gained working with children and you would be so good at it. It sounds like you’ve found something that really resonates with you, and you should hold onto that dream. It’s so lovely to hear you say how you want to make a difference for other children, just as your teachers did for you. That will make you an incredible teacher.

It sounds like your aunt saw something in you that is special and honouring her memory by pursuing this dream is such a beautiful way to keep her close. You’ve been through so much, but you have the strength to make that difference, just as your teachers did for you.
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Your sisters and best friend
Family dynamics can be really difficult, especially when mental health is involved. It’s okay to feel frustrated and hurt by how things are right now. You’re not alone in feeling like the odd one out, but that doesn’t mean you’re any less important. Your feelings are valid, and it’s okay to seek out support, even if it’s not from your family.

I know you've mentioned your relationship with your best friend isn't the best right now though. It’s understandable to feel worried about how your friend might react if you were to tell them how you feel. If she’s your best friend though she’ll want to know how you’re feeling, and it’s okay to be vulnerable with her. You’re definitely not overreacting by wanting to protect your friendship. Do you have any other friends you feel able to talk to? Sometimes, just talking to one person can make a big difference.
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Your Dad
It sounds like there’s a lot of pain in your relationship with your dad, and that’s completely understandable given everything you’ve described. It’s hard when someone who should be there for you feels so distant. You deserve to have someone who listens and cares about what you’re going through. Even if he’s not able to be that person right now, it doesn’t mean your feelings aren’t valid or important. Have you got anyone else in your family you feel able to speak to about your dad who could understand where you're coming from?
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Mental health
It’s so hard when it feels like you’re taking steps backward instead of forward. It’s okay to struggle, and it’s okay to need extra help right now. You’ve shown so much strength by holding on and continuing to try. Your life is important, and there’s hope, even when it feels far away.

It’s so tough when you feel like you’re letting others down, but please remember that your wellbeing is what’s most important. You’ve done so well in the past, and you’re still capable of achieving your dreams. Mental health challenges don’t take away from your abilities or worth. It’s okay to not be okay, and it’s okay to ask for help when you need it. You don’t have to carry the weight of other people’s expectations alone.

Reaching out can be really hard, especially when trust has been an issue in the past. It’s okay to feel hesitant, and it’s understandable given your experiences. You deserve to have people in your corner who want to see you succeed. We're some of those people.

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Grief
I'm so sorry about your stepmum and your aunt, Chloe. Grief is incredibly hard, especially when it feels like everyone else has moved on. It’s okay to still be grieving and to feel like things would be different if they were still here. It’s healthy to hold onto their memory in the way that feels right for you. I'm sure they wouldn’t want you to feel disappointed in yourself - they’d want you to be gentle with yourself as you navigate things. You’re not alone in your grief, even if it feels that way sometimes.
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I'm trying to keep on top of self care, digital drawing, going out with friends but if I feel better it goes away almost instantly or I end up crashing.

^you're doing so so well and it's so positive that you're continuing to try - this isn't easy. Do you find that having some plans to look forward to and setting some time away each day can help you to find some comfort? Are there any triggers or a certain time of day where you find yourself crashing?

We're here for you Chloe.

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jayne26

Hi Chloe,

How are you doing this afternoon?

Regarding your results day coming up, of course it's totally okay to be feeling anxious about the outcome. As Gemma said, these grades and what you achieve do not define who you are as a person, but rather your passions and interests do. You seem totally capable of being a great teacher, and we definitely need more of those. Try not to worry too much about what happens on results day, there are always options for you whatever result you achieve

What do you think you would benefit from the most at the moment? I can see that you're struggling with a few different things right now, is any one in particular worse than the others or is it all equally as difficult?

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Aoife

Hey @Chloe234 I wanted to check in and see how you're doing? I know results day is coming up for you in a week which you mentioned is something you're understandably feeling really stressed about. It can be a really scary time especially when you're really wanting to get a place on your course. We'll be here to support you through the week ahead and the day itself. Myself and @Ella are also running a day-time support chat tomorrow 4-5pm for anyone that's received results or waiting on results, feel free to pop along if you're around. It will be lovely to see you there

That stuck feeling you mentioned can be so incredibly difficult to be going through and I'm hearing you're feeling unhelpable too. Keep holding onto hope that things can get better and change, because they really can and you won't feel this way forever. I know that it's feeling impossible right now, but something that can be helpful to remember is you've survived all of your most difficult days so far, and you can get through this too. Keep going Chloe

How have things been with your dad, sisters and best friend?

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jayne26

Hi @Chloe234

I understand you're still feeling down, and feeling like you have to hide the way you're feeling for other people's sake. You say this makes you feel like you're a fake person for doing this, but this is not the case at all! You're being super brave about everything going on at the moment, and it's such a shame you feel like you have to keep pretending that everything's ok. I'm sure the people around you care about you and want to know if you're struggling so that they can help you, sometimes reaching out to someone you trust can really help.

The mix is a safe space for you to vent and post about whatever you feel, so please don't ever think that we are tired of listening to you. Anything you think you can't say to your friends or family you can say to us and we'll listen

It's also great to hear that you're trying to better understand your mental health and actively working to help yourself. This is so inspiring and we're all really proud of you for taking such a big step. Even if you're still struggling, this is still a big win.

What do you usually do to wind down before bed? We might be able to offer some advice in how to stop racing thoughts before going to sleep as this can be really hard.

In terms of the pub and music, is it the noise that you find overwhelming or something else? I know that sometimes wearing ear plugs can help and you can still enjoy the night