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Life. Tw
Chloe234
Community Champion Posts: 3,546 Community Veteran
In all honesty things are really really bad. Ive mentioned most of it before but i'm just gonna put it all in one place.
Results day
I get my results 2 weeks today. And honestly i'm gradually getting more and more stressed about it. Everyone is saying "Oh I bet you've done great" "Oh you would've passed everything" "You don't even need to worry" "Stop being a pessimist" but what if i haven't done well? I got to a really dark point during my exams and ive 100% done a lot worse than i could've if i was somewhat okay. Id come out of exams having breakdowns because of how awfully i knew i had done on some of the exams. If i don't get the grades I need then i cant do my course. Part of me feels like if i dont pass what i need to though then its somewhat like a sign im not meant to go on to try be a primary teacher.
Who would want someone like me as their childrens teacher anyway. Im covered in scars, I can barely look after myself and barely cope under mass amounts of pressure. My sister is a trained primary teacher and shes told me how hard it was just to get through college and uni so how am i supposed to do it? I dont even know if ill be able to go on that long with how i am.
Im just so so scared that im gonna dissapoint everyone. Such high expectations were set and i just dont think i can meet them. Its so much pressure but i cant even do anything to change it now.
My sisters
Im finding it so much harder than i felt itd be with my older sister moving to scotland. Im barely talking to her because it feels like shes changed. Shes so much more distant and if i try talk to her its like she wants the convo to end asap. I dont know I just thought things would be different. She seems fine with my other sister though so maybe its just me. Ive even looked into train tickets or travel options to visit before i start college but its all just too much unless i got a plane. Plus my dad probably wouldnt let me travel alone.
My sister i live with is also just getting so much. Shes always talking about me to her friends and it just makes me feel worse about myself. Its even the little things i havent been able to do because im just too mentally low. And anything i do is attention seeking to her. Even when i attempted it was attention seeking apparently. I just dont get why she hates me so much
My dad
Things are just so tense between us. It feels like he couldnt care less about anything that happens to me. Hes so much closer to my sisters than he is. In a way it feels like he holds a grudge against me because of everything that happened during the past. Its just so hard because im always trying to please him. But it feels like i never do. I cant remember the last time he hugged me, told me he loved me or even just showed some sort of fatherly care to me. However with my sisters hes all fine. Yesterday we even went out shopping and my sisters and him were acting like complete children messing around. I ended up going off and doing the food shopping myself. It was so draining and in all honesty embarassing too that i was sat there trying to tell them to stop being stupid and my own dad? Its just so draining. Theyre always joking about but as usual im never allowed to be included. Its just so embarassing.
We even ran into my Councillor from when i was at school so i was standing there trying to catch up so asked dad if he wanted to trolley to keep shopping while me and my councillor caught up but he said no and just continued being an idiot. My councillor was asking how i was and how home life was and it hurt because i just wanted to tell her everything but i couldnt because my dad was there so i just had to nod and say everything was okay and fine when really i wanted to pour my heart out to her. I could tell that she could tell i was lying but also knew it wouldve been because of my dad as i used to tell her quite a bit about him and home life.
My best friend
I feel like things are crumbling with my best friend too and i hate it. Shes all ive really had for the past 3 years and now our friend group has grown it feels like shes so much better with them instead of me. Shes even been making up excuses not to hang out with me and it hurts. I would talk to her but i dont want to make things worse. It just feels like im losing her as well as all the others ive lost.
Grief
I cant help but think about how much better things would be if we didnt lose my stepmom in the RTC two years ago. I wish she was here because she wouldve made things feel okay. She cared about me so much and would understand me. She was amazing and was a mum i never got to have as a child. It just hurts to continue everything without her. Even at prom all i could think about is how i was moving on without her. We always talked about how she would help me with picking out a prom dress and doing my hair and everything. She would have sat and listened after every bad day. She wouldve done everything dad hasnt. Its just so hard without her.
Even after we lost her my aunt stepped in but we lost her too. She was also there to listen as much as I needed but the cancer won and we had to watch her fade away instead until she passed. It just hurts so so much.
Mental health
Im falling into the pit all over again but its like im trying to grip onto the walls to stop myself falling further into it. I was trying to recover but it all failed and i just got worse. The old me is gone. Im trying for everyone else but it doesnt feel good enough. I even feel bad posting this because of the massive overwhelming feeling of being a burden. Its just so hard fighting to live for everyone else but yourself. Im trying to stay clean from self harm but even that keeps failing.
Im tired.
I want a break.
Im safe.
Results day
I get my results 2 weeks today. And honestly i'm gradually getting more and more stressed about it. Everyone is saying "Oh I bet you've done great" "Oh you would've passed everything" "You don't even need to worry" "Stop being a pessimist" but what if i haven't done well? I got to a really dark point during my exams and ive 100% done a lot worse than i could've if i was somewhat okay. Id come out of exams having breakdowns because of how awfully i knew i had done on some of the exams. If i don't get the grades I need then i cant do my course. Part of me feels like if i dont pass what i need to though then its somewhat like a sign im not meant to go on to try be a primary teacher.
Who would want someone like me as their childrens teacher anyway. Im covered in scars, I can barely look after myself and barely cope under mass amounts of pressure. My sister is a trained primary teacher and shes told me how hard it was just to get through college and uni so how am i supposed to do it? I dont even know if ill be able to go on that long with how i am.
Im just so so scared that im gonna dissapoint everyone. Such high expectations were set and i just dont think i can meet them. Its so much pressure but i cant even do anything to change it now.
My sisters
Im finding it so much harder than i felt itd be with my older sister moving to scotland. Im barely talking to her because it feels like shes changed. Shes so much more distant and if i try talk to her its like she wants the convo to end asap. I dont know I just thought things would be different. She seems fine with my other sister though so maybe its just me. Ive even looked into train tickets or travel options to visit before i start college but its all just too much unless i got a plane. Plus my dad probably wouldnt let me travel alone.
My sister i live with is also just getting so much. Shes always talking about me to her friends and it just makes me feel worse about myself. Its even the little things i havent been able to do because im just too mentally low. And anything i do is attention seeking to her. Even when i attempted it was attention seeking apparently. I just dont get why she hates me so much
My dad
Things are just so tense between us. It feels like he couldnt care less about anything that happens to me. Hes so much closer to my sisters than he is. In a way it feels like he holds a grudge against me because of everything that happened during the past. Its just so hard because im always trying to please him. But it feels like i never do. I cant remember the last time he hugged me, told me he loved me or even just showed some sort of fatherly care to me. However with my sisters hes all fine. Yesterday we even went out shopping and my sisters and him were acting like complete children messing around. I ended up going off and doing the food shopping myself. It was so draining and in all honesty embarassing too that i was sat there trying to tell them to stop being stupid and my own dad? Its just so draining. Theyre always joking about but as usual im never allowed to be included. Its just so embarassing.
We even ran into my Councillor from when i was at school so i was standing there trying to catch up so asked dad if he wanted to trolley to keep shopping while me and my councillor caught up but he said no and just continued being an idiot. My councillor was asking how i was and how home life was and it hurt because i just wanted to tell her everything but i couldnt because my dad was there so i just had to nod and say everything was okay and fine when really i wanted to pour my heart out to her. I could tell that she could tell i was lying but also knew it wouldve been because of my dad as i used to tell her quite a bit about him and home life.
My best friend
I feel like things are crumbling with my best friend too and i hate it. Shes all ive really had for the past 3 years and now our friend group has grown it feels like shes so much better with them instead of me. Shes even been making up excuses not to hang out with me and it hurts. I would talk to her but i dont want to make things worse. It just feels like im losing her as well as all the others ive lost.
Grief
I cant help but think about how much better things would be if we didnt lose my stepmom in the RTC two years ago. I wish she was here because she wouldve made things feel okay. She cared about me so much and would understand me. She was amazing and was a mum i never got to have as a child. It just hurts to continue everything without her. Even at prom all i could think about is how i was moving on without her. We always talked about how she would help me with picking out a prom dress and doing my hair and everything. She would have sat and listened after every bad day. She wouldve done everything dad hasnt. Its just so hard without her.
Even after we lost her my aunt stepped in but we lost her too. She was also there to listen as much as I needed but the cancer won and we had to watch her fade away instead until she passed. It just hurts so so much.
Mental health
Im falling into the pit all over again but its like im trying to grip onto the walls to stop myself falling further into it. I was trying to recover but it all failed and i just got worse. The old me is gone. Im trying for everyone else but it doesnt feel good enough. I even feel bad posting this because of the massive overwhelming feeling of being a burden. Its just so hard fighting to live for everyone else but yourself. Im trying to stay clean from self harm but even that keeps failing.
Im tired.
I want a break.
Im safe.
🦆💜🦆💜🦆
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Comments
Results day
Regarding exams, it's understandable you would be stressing out over your results. And it's not helped when others, who are perhaps trying to be supportive, are telling you that you'll have done well and to stop stressing. Naturally, you'd be concerned that this might not be the case, especially when you struggled with your mental health. But I want to reassure you that, even if worst case scenario, you don't pass the exams, it doesn't mean you can't be a primary school teacher. It is possible to resit exams, or even take exams once you've left school/college.
If you really want to be a primary teacher, then I think the fact that you want to be one, would probably make you a decent teacher. Some people go into teaching thinking that it's easy or that teachers have lots of time off (school holidays), but for those who actually want to make a difference to the lives of children, it can be quite a rewarding career. Teaching can be stressful at times, so I'm wondering whether you have thought of similar jobs you could do as well? Perhaps you could try these jobs to get a feel for teaching? I'm thinking of things like a classroom/teaching assistant, nursery assistant or working in after school clubs.
Whatever you go on to do, the most important thing is your wellbeing. Are there things you can try to help you look after yourself a bit better? Thinking of ways to help take care of yourself better now can help you in the future too. And, if you do go on to teacher training, you can also seek support from the college/university counsellor.
So this is going to sound a bit weird, but it's okay to disappoint others. Sometimes things don't work out, or we realise that there is a mismatch in the expectations of others and ourselves, or what is realistic for us. Of course, when this happens it feels awful in the moment. But in the long term, we and others can learn to accept ourselves and find out what is more realistic in terms of expectations.
Your sisters
It sounds like things have changed between you and your sister since she has moved out. Perhaps she is busy with her life (particularly if the move was recent) and hasn't managed to get the balance right between her new life in Scotland and her old life back home. I think visiting your sister before college sounds like a nice idea. If your dad wouldn't let you travel alone, is it possible that he could go with you? It's possible that he would like to see your sister again too.
I'm sorry to hear that your relationship with your sister that you live with isn't good either. It might be that she doesn't really understand your struggles with your mental health very well, and perhaps thinks that it's okay to tell her friends stuff about you or thinks that you are attention seeking. When people don't understand things, they can judge and make assumptions, but it doesn't make what they say true at all.
Your dad
I'm also saddened to hear that your relationship with your dad is also tense too. Is it possible at all that he doesn't know or understand how you are feeling these days? Do you think it would be worth trying to talk to him about how you miss his hugs and hearing him tell you that he loves you? It sounds quite isolating and stressful to be left out of family things and also feel that your family likes to joke around and you feel you have to be the responsible one. I think it was a sensible idea to continue with the food shopping by yourself, especially if your family were causing you to feel embarrassed.
It must've been really difficult for you to have been holding in your true feelings when talking to your old counsellor. It does sound like you could do with an outlet for your feelings and it's a shame you don't have your counsellor to talk to anymore. Is it possible to have counselling when you go back to school/college in September? If not, you might want to talk to your GP about a referral for counselling.
Your best friend
When friendship groups grow, it's natural for friendship dynamics to change too. Perhaps your best friend might not realise how you feel, so talking to her might be an option. Though I understand that you don't want to lose her or make things worse between you both. If you don't want to talk to her, then perhaps just continue to ask her to hang out, or remind of her of the good times you've had together and how you miss that. Even if the friendship isn't as close as what it used to be, you can still be friends and you never know the friendship may go back to being close like before. And if not, you can take comfort in the fact that you had a great friend and that there are other people out in the world who would also make great friends too.
Grief
I'm sorry to hear about your stepmom and your aunt. It's difficult adjusting to life without loved ones, especially when we get to milestones and think about how they should be here for these things and how much we miss them. It sounds like your stepmom meant an awful lot to you. I don't know if it helps at all, but sometimes thinking about how our loved ones would help us and cheer us up might help us to find ways of looking after ourselves (because that's what our loved ones would want). Even though your stepmom sadly isn't with you anymore, the memories you have of her and being able to imagine how she would comfort you, with live on in you
Mental health
Recovering from mental health struggles isn't always a straight forward journey. Sometimes there are setbacks and that's okay. It doesn't mean you've failed. It just means taking a step back and looking at why you things aren't working for you at the moment and what you can do to help get back on top of your mental health.
The same goes for recovering from self-harm too. Sometimes relapses happen, but it doesn't mean you've failed. You might've already seen this but I'll still post it because it can be helpful, but feel free to check out our article on coping with a self-harm relapse https://www.themix.org.uk/mental-health/self-harm/how-to-cope-with-a-self-harm-relapse-5684.html if you think it might be helpful.
You aren't a burden and I'm really glad you did post this. It sounds like you could do with more supportive people around you, and I imagine that must be a bit difficult to get when it's the school holidays. You could always try The Mix's services https://www.themix.org.uk/get-support/speak-to-our-team and you are always more than welcome to continue posting here
Results day
I guess. It's just difficult because this course is an Early Years Education and Childcare course. So it's the equivalent to 3 A levels and it's mainly based on Nursery work or I think the earlier reception ages in primary however we do also learn a little bit about (still young) but slightly older children's education. The course however is completely full on so if worst case happened and I had to retake English it just wouldn't be possible because of there being no time at all on the course I want to do so they wouldn't be able to take me as I would need to resit the exams.
I've had some experience working with young children in a childcare setting. I had work experience which I did in a nursery working with children ages 3 months - 5 years and I loved it so much I ended up doing an extended placement instead of PE lessons and PSHE lessons. So I was there a lot. With this course it's still gonna be around this nursery work and in my second year I'll even be able to be included in a nursery's ratio. But the hope was to go onto uni afterwards to do a primary school teaching course.
I'll definitely think about reaching put to the college as I know they have a really good support system in place but it'll just be hard as I find it so hard to open up to and connect with new people who I don't really know. My whole life I've been forced to let people in (social workers etc) and now I just find it so so hard to trust others.
Yeah I guess but it feels like I'm not allowed to. I hate dissapointing people so wouldn't be able to let it go easy. My whole life academically I've been really good and have done really well in classes but my mental health slowly began ruining it all for me. I just don't want to miss put on doing what I want to do because being a primary teacher has kinda became somewhat a dream.
My whole life I grew up adamant that I wanted to work with animals yet everyone around me always said how great I was with working with children and looking after my niece and nephew and everything like that and even my aunt who I lost was the strongest believer I'd be a primary teacher when I was older so in a way it's special for me too because it's almost like I'll always have part of her if I did become a primary teacher.
I also know the he'll I was going through in primary school as at the time my mum was in and out of hospital due to mental health yet I was still attending school almost daily and I was being SA'd which changed how I was slightly in school even though I told no one at the time (I have now but the police claim there's not enough evidence 🙃) and then there was also the court proceedings for custody which went on for years but the teachers made such a massive difference to me throughout that time and I haven't for gotten that to this day. And I wanna make that difference for other children too.
My sisters
Sorry she didn't live with me beforehand. She'd been in Bristol for uni but often came home to cornwall and I was really close to her but then she graduated and moved to Scotland to live with her boyfriend who's being drafted soon but is based up there. My dad's got work weekly and doesn't have any holiday left so we wouldn't be able too. He'd also probably be iffy about me travelling because of everything going on in the UK atm and the distance it'd be to travel too.
It's just difficult as I know she's doing pretty well as she's already got a job and is almost settled into their flat and everything but we haven't had a proper talk at all. She's always busy now and it just makes me miss her more because she promised to message daily and she's the only one who understands how I feel with things going on with my dad because he's the same way to her.
The sister I live with (I'll call her K) knows and if anything it feels she should've understood my troubles more. I live with 2 of my sisters (K and the other we will call L) and we all struggle with our mental health but I there's is not as bad as how I've been (they've been a bit more open) and they've had help in the past from camhs and councillors etc which helped them to be more stable. K and L also get on pretty well when they want to but I feel like the black sheep as usual. K used to sh and have suicidal thoughts so it's frustrating to why she treats me like this because of it and to why she's calling me attention seeking.
My dad
He's not the one you can approach easily at all. It'd end up in an argument and with making things worse. Emotionally he's well and truly unavailable too so I wouldn't feel comfortable talking to him either. In a way it feels he should have somewhat of an idea that I'm struggling considering I attempted in Feb and was in hospital and stuff but even then he didn't do much or care really at all.
I was in hospital from a Sunday lunchtime until a late Tuesday evening and he stayed the Sunday because he kinda had to so he knew what was happening and then went home to sort a takeaway for K and L and get a few things for me which he then stayed the night because he was too tired to drive home but then he went home early in the morning and didn't come back until early evening on the Tuesday as he knew I was gonna be discharged.
He then caused all of this hassle with the mental health team and I almost instantly lost the support because he wouldn't answer them at all but school fixed it and there was a follow up appointment in school where they promised help, discharged me then nothing else came of it which was great because now I've got nothing.
Thing is I'm also the youngest and ever since we lost our stepmom I've had to almost roleplay as a parent even tho I should've still been trying to be somewhat of a child myself. People always say I'm mature for my age but it's because I had no choice but to be.
GPs are too triggering for me to go to.
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Ps I'm missing a couple topics as this is getting really long. Thankyou for the support tho (I might address then when it's not 2 in the morning tho)
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My Mental health
Thing is my life is just a setback. It's always backwards instead of forwards. It's like if you were to get stuck in a really strong current in the sea, you're not supposed to fight it because you'll use up all your energy and can drown. It feels like that's what's happened with this though but with fighting my mental health and trying to recover.
It's hard because there was one point I thought I was doing well because I got to over 6 weeks clean yet now I'm stuck here barely managing 2 days let alone a week. It feels like I've trued everything to try cope with the urges too but they all just fail no matter how much I try.
It just feels like everyone has to put up with me and i don't like feeling like it. I've stopped talking to my friends about my emotions because if I ever did lose my battle I couldn't ever let them struggle with a fear they are partly to blame for not knowing what to say or for not contacting anyone. I wouldnt want them to live woth that instead of me.
I'm trying to keep on top of self care, digital drawing, going out with friends but if I feel better it goes away almost instantly or I end up crashing. It's so so hard to be okay when I'm not (still safe)
Yeah thats true. I think im gonna wait it out and see if she comes to a meetup and if so how it goes then ill see from there and maybe talk to her. We've always said that if we do something the other doesnt like then to talk to them but it feels different in a way i guess. I dont know im worried im the one being paranoid and over the top.
Grief
Im just worried that if they could see how i am today that they would be so disapointed in me. Im a complete mess and i hate it. I know theyd want me to move on especially because everyone else has but its just so hard when they meant a lot to me. My dad has moved on and is dating other women behind our back and never talking about our stepmom, my sisters never mention either of them and we havent even visited my stepmoms grave in ages. Its over 2 years since we buried her and shes still not got a headstone because its too expensive. I just wish we never lost them because things would be so much better today if we hadnt
Results day
I can hear how much this course means to you, Chloe - it's exciting to hear you speak about it and it’s clear you’ve put a lot of thought into your future. There's no getting around the fact that it is tough if things don’t go as planned, especially when you’re so passionate about what you want to do. Remember, if your results don't go as planned, this doesn't define your potential, and there are always options to explore. You have the experience (which sounds fab btw!) and dedication, and that will take you far, even if the path might look different than expected. You're not in any rush and I have no doubt you'll get there. I'm sure if you were to speak to the college, they could work out a plan for you joining the course at a later date if you needed to resit anything.
It’s amazing how much experience you’ve already gained working with children and you would be so good at it. It sounds like you’ve found something that really resonates with you, and you should hold onto that dream. It’s so lovely to hear you say how you want to make a difference for other children, just as your teachers did for you. That will make you an incredible teacher.
It sounds like your aunt saw something in you that is special and honouring her memory by pursuing this dream is such a beautiful way to keep her close. You’ve been through so much, but you have the strength to make that difference, just as your teachers did for you.
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Your sisters and best friend
Family dynamics can be really difficult, especially when mental health is involved. It’s okay to feel frustrated and hurt by how things are right now. You’re not alone in feeling like the odd one out, but that doesn’t mean you’re any less important. Your feelings are valid, and it’s okay to seek out support, even if it’s not from your family.
I know you've mentioned your relationship with your best friend isn't the best right now though. It’s understandable to feel worried about how your friend might react if you were to tell them how you feel. If she’s your best friend though she’ll want to know how you’re feeling, and it’s okay to be vulnerable with her. You’re definitely not overreacting by wanting to protect your friendship. Do you have any other friends you feel able to talk to? Sometimes, just talking to one person can make a big difference.
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Your Dad
It sounds like there’s a lot of pain in your relationship with your dad, and that’s completely understandable given everything you’ve described. It’s hard when someone who should be there for you feels so distant. You deserve to have someone who listens and cares about what you’re going through. Even if he’s not able to be that person right now, it doesn’t mean your feelings aren’t valid or important. Have you got anyone else in your family you feel able to speak to about your dad who could understand where you're coming from?
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Mental health
It’s so hard when it feels like you’re taking steps backward instead of forward. It’s okay to struggle, and it’s okay to need extra help right now. You’ve shown so much strength by holding on and continuing to try. Your life is important, and there’s hope, even when it feels far away.
It’s so tough when you feel like you’re letting others down, but please remember that your wellbeing is what’s most important. You’ve done so well in the past, and you’re still capable of achieving your dreams. Mental health challenges don’t take away from your abilities or worth. It’s okay to not be okay, and it’s okay to ask for help when you need it. You don’t have to carry the weight of other people’s expectations alone.
Reaching out can be really hard, especially when trust has been an issue in the past. It’s okay to feel hesitant, and it’s understandable given your experiences. You deserve to have people in your corner who want to see you succeed. We're some of those people.
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Grief
I'm so sorry about your stepmum and your aunt, Chloe. Grief is incredibly hard, especially when it feels like everyone else has moved on. It’s okay to still be grieving and to feel like things would be different if they were still here. It’s healthy to hold onto their memory in the way that feels right for you. I'm sure they wouldn’t want you to feel disappointed in yourself - they’d want you to be gentle with yourself as you navigate things. You’re not alone in your grief, even if it feels that way sometimes.
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^you're doing so so well and it's so positive that you're continuing to try - this isn't easy. Do you find that having some plans to look forward to and setting some time away each day can help you to find some comfort? Are there any triggers or a certain time of day where you find yourself crashing?
We're here for you Chloe.
Results day
I guess, Idk if i joined later then id be so far behind. Ive just gotta hope that ive passed because otherwise ive no clue what to do
Your sisters and best friend
Thats true but then im worried about if im overthinking it or something. Im just hoping its something which will blow over. Ive mentioned it to my friends and they agree shes been acting off with me but i dont wanna drag them into it too much because if it turns into an argument i dont want them to be stuck in the middle or anything.
My Dad
Ive got my older sister whos in scotland but if i mention it usually she kinda switches it to how he treats her then i never know what to say. I dont wanna bother my cousins either. Its just hard because when my stepmom was here she kinda made up for it and dad was different too. Idk its just all just a lot
Mental health
I guess but then its just so hard. Any progress made is always reset, and its just so exhausting. It feels like no matter how hard i try to do stuff to try and distract or even just feel okay for a moment it is always just ruined. I was out all day yesterday and as much as I loved it i completely crashed in the evening. I just lay there really numb and then I ended up falling alseep early and sleeping all the way through until half 10. I had over 12 hours sleep but im still left with no energy at all. Im just gonna end up staying in bed all week again. Even without chats for a week i feel im gonna get way worse which i didnt feel was even possible. I just feel so stupid that i struggle reaching out elsewhere.
Grief
I just wish I was doing better for my stepmom and aunt but im not and i hate that idk
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Idk usually I dont even have the energy or motivation for anything
Usually the evening but then again it depends when and what ive been doing to lead to the crash. Its mainly as simple as leaving the house though
How are you doing this afternoon?
Regarding your results day coming up, of course it's totally okay to be feeling anxious about the outcome. As Gemma said, these grades and what you achieve do not define who you are as a person, but rather your passions and interests do. You seem totally capable of being a great teacher, and we definitely need more of those. Try not to worry too much about what happens on results day, there are always options for you whatever result you achieve
What do you think you would benefit from the most at the moment? I can see that you're struggling with a few different things right now, is any one in particular worse than the others or is it all equally as difficult?
sorry for a late reply
Im still struggling but im trying to ignore it. I feel like i just need to deal with it at this point and face the fact ill be stuck like this forever.
Im trying to distract from results day but its hard when im living in bed all day lol.
Ive no clue, I wouldnt be surprised if im unhelpable now. Its all basically equally as difficult. Its all just a massive weight which feels like im being crushed by.
That stuck feeling you mentioned can be so incredibly difficult to be going through and I'm hearing you're feeling unhelpable too. Keep holding onto hope that things can get better and change, because they really can and you won't feel this way forever. I know that it's feeling impossible right now, but something that can be helpful to remember is you've survived all of your most difficult days so far, and you can get through this too. Keep going Chloe
How have things been with your dad, sisters and best friend?
I don't really know how I'm doing in all honesty, I've got to the point where I'm just really empty and drained however still have the constant overthinking about results day with the anxiety. But then I'm still crashing to where I feel really low rather than numb around 4ish each day. It's really weird but I hate being stuck in the cycle.
I'll definitely come to the support chat later
I don't really know with them either. My dad is still being pretty useless. We were supposed to be doing my buss pass for college on Wednesday as he got paid but as usual he pushed it aside and said we will do it next week instead because he needs to give my sister money for going away 🥲 So atp it won't be my grades stopping me from going college, it'll be my dad because I don't have transport lol. He's also just genuinely still being weird. He's completely fine with my other sister however yesterday he didn't even call be by name. I'm just "youngest child".
Things with one of my sisters is definitely on a standstill for now because she's away for ghe 2 weeks which I think has definitely made me feel the slightest bit better. My sister from Scotland and I are chatting a lot more so that's good. Idk I think she just needed time to settle or something.
My friend it's up and down with though. Sometimes she's fine, sometimes she's not. She said she may be free this weekend so I might see if she wants to hang out, me and her and see what she sais.
It's just a case of trying to get through the days I guess.
It's so hard feeling like I always have to be okay all of the time. It's exhausting because not only am I trying to stay strong and mask how I'm really feeling but I've also got to try and hide it from my friends and stuff which is so so hard. It makes me feel like a fake person or something
I'm trying to be there for everyone again but I keep getting stuck on what to say. I've even tarted doing mental health online training course thingies to try and understand better but I still freeze and don't know what to say.
My sleep is completely messed up. Even worse than it already was. I'm overthinking too much at night which is leaving me to have to wait until physically I cannot stay awake any longer and I hate it. I'm up until 2 - 4am each night now and if I don't need to get up then I'm asleep until 10 or 11 which basically already gets rid of half the day.
Even if we go places as little as a pub for live music I'm getting way too overwhelmed. I sit there trying to seem as if I'm enjoying myself and actually not finding things too.much.
I just feel so so stupid for being like this and I wish I was normal or something.
I understand you're still feeling down, and feeling like you have to hide the way you're feeling for other people's sake. You say this makes you feel like you're a fake person for doing this, but this is not the case at all! You're being super brave about everything going on at the moment, and it's such a shame you feel like you have to keep pretending that everything's ok. I'm sure the people around you care about you and want to know if you're struggling so that they can help you, sometimes reaching out to someone you trust can really help.
The mix is a safe space for you to vent and post about whatever you feel, so please don't ever think that we are tired of listening to you. Anything you think you can't say to your friends or family you can say to us and we'll listen
It's also great to hear that you're trying to better understand your mental health and actively working to help yourself. This is so inspiring and we're all really proud of you for taking such a big step. Even if you're still struggling, this is still a big win.
What do you usually do to wind down before bed? We might be able to offer some advice in how to stop racing thoughts before going to sleep as this can be really hard.
In terms of the pub and music, is it the noise that you find overwhelming or something else? I know that sometimes wearing ear plugs can help and you can still enjoy the night