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Anorexia relapse

SienaSiena Posts: 15,515 Skive's The Limit
in Health & Wellbeing
I had anorexia a few years ago and it turned into binge eating with the occasional purging & spending a while restricting to go back to binging but this is the longest and extreme I’ve been restricting since and I’m kinda scared on where I’m gunna end up as already lost a lot of weight but I feel it is party helping my suicidal thoughts as well as helping me descrease my alcohol use and self harming behaviours. But I feel totally consumed by food and calories and numbers and it’s partly distracting but partly extremely overwhelming when I spend hours last night on different supermarkets finding low calorie stuff and researching a load of random shit.

I also hate my home life & I’ve been like kinda noticing when I get pissed off with my mum or sister or dad I find my mindset going like “they don’t give a fuck about me” and i don’t know it makes me feel like maybe unworthy of anything and just like a piece of shit & like I have no control over my life. I’m stuck in this shit house where the atmosphere is awful and the only thing I can control is my food. I can now tell my weight loss in noticeable so I am doing everything to hide that from my family as that will make the atmosphere even more worse and I couldn’t take that.

I’ve also feel like it’s getting to the end of the year soon and I’ve once again done fuck all with my life & really upsets me & that I would like to be able to say to myself but yeah you did this to yourself and deserve that because can’t do fuck all else & well atleast have some sense of achievement.

I also feel more angry a lot more and I’m guessing that’s because of hunger but yeah

Just really don’t get what I’m meant to do. At some point I won’t have much more weight to lose and maybe I’m just kinda wanting to just disappear and die
“And when they look at you, they won't see everything you've been through. They won't see the **** that turned to scars that began to fade with time. They won't see the heartbreaking things that shook up and changed your entire world. They won't know how many tears you cried or even what it was you were crying about. They won't see how strong you had to be because you had no other choice. What they will see though is how compassionate you are because you experienced pain. What they will see is how kind you are because you experienced how cruel the world is. What they will see is how good you are because you've seen how bad things or people can be. The difference between you and your experiences are who you choose to be, despite everything that could have turned you cold and unkind.You are the good the world needs and the best of us.” ~ Kirsten Corley

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    JustVJustV Community Manager Posts: 5,319 Part of The Furniture
    edited October 2023
    Good to see you getting this off your chest @Siena. You're confronting some heavy and big feelings in this post and it's good to see you doing that, I know it's difficult. 💚

    I think the way you talked about anorexia in the context of self-harm is really insightful. Like it's a coping mechanism that scratches the same itch as other forms of self-destructive behavior, even helping assuage those suicidal thoughts, which makes sense. I think that's a powerful reflection and it's positive that you can understand it in that way - you know yourself well. :)

    But I can tell you're also reaching a point where you need to contend with the damage it's doing to your body, and the all-consuming nature of the ED thoughts.

    You're right to be worried about your physical health because extreme weight loss can be dangerous, and I wonder that part goes beyond what The Mix can help with. You might benefit more from crisis support or a medical referral of some kind - is that something you're open to?

    You could get in touch with:
    • Beat - as well as their helpline and chat rooms, you can self-refer to specific programs without needing a diagnosis. One of them is called ShareED where they connect you with a volunteer who has lived experience.
    • Your GP or local mental health services - they could refer you to more urgent ED treatment, particularly if your weight is at a critical point (not that your weight should matter - it's silly how these systems work).
    • Potentially your alcohol worker? If you feel comfortable - I know you've said before that you have a good relationship with them.
    • Urgent / crisis support services - if you find yourself at breaking point with the ED thoughts or if you need immediate, physical medical attention.

    You're doing really well to identify the risks you're coming up against Siena, and to articulate what you're feeling and connect it all together, and you're doing the right thing to reach out. I know it's tempting to avoid it, and to sink into that feeling of 'wanting to disappear', especially when you're already working harder than anyone else just to stay afloat and keep moving forward.

    Final thing (I promise!), I feel like this gets to the core of what's happening:
    Siena wrote: »
    I have no control over my life. I’m stuck in this shit house where the atmosphere is awful and the only thing I can control is my food.
    A lot of of people relate their self-destructive behaviour to a lack of control, especially disordered eating, and it's good that you're able to draw that connection. Do you see any changes to your living situation on the horizon? (e.g. a chance to move out)
    The truth resists simplicity.
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    SienaSiena Posts: 15,515 Skive's The Limit
    Thank you @JustV

    Something really hit me today where I feel way to consumed by it all and I feel like I am not even loving teddy as much as I used to because my mind is so consumed by it. Like I feel like I’ve been ignoring even teddy. So today I have eaten the recommended amount of food. I feel massive guilt and I haven’t binged ate but I feel over it and I just want to live my life maybe work full time and leave this shit hole. But I will get no where like this

    I feel weak and so guilty but I feel kinda proud but very emotional at the same time
    “And when they look at you, they won't see everything you've been through. They won't see the **** that turned to scars that began to fade with time. They won't see the heartbreaking things that shook up and changed your entire world. They won't know how many tears you cried or even what it was you were crying about. They won't see how strong you had to be because you had no other choice. What they will see though is how compassionate you are because you experienced pain. What they will see is how kind you are because you experienced how cruel the world is. What they will see is how good you are because you've seen how bad things or people can be. The difference between you and your experiences are who you choose to be, despite everything that could have turned you cold and unkind.You are the good the world needs and the best of us.” ~ Kirsten Corley
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    SienaSiena Posts: 15,515 Skive's The Limit
    I’m kinda freaking out as I feel extremely sick but haven’t binged ate just ate recommended amount and I am getting very scared it’s refeeding sydrome? I feel so sick and i don’t know what to so
    “And when they look at you, they won't see everything you've been through. They won't see the **** that turned to scars that began to fade with time. They won't see the heartbreaking things that shook up and changed your entire world. They won't know how many tears you cried or even what it was you were crying about. They won't see how strong you had to be because you had no other choice. What they will see though is how compassionate you are because you experienced pain. What they will see is how kind you are because you experienced how cruel the world is. What they will see is how good you are because you've seen how bad things or people can be. The difference between you and your experiences are who you choose to be, despite everything that could have turned you cold and unkind.You are the good the world needs and the best of us.” ~ Kirsten Corley
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    SienaSiena Posts: 15,515 Skive's The Limit
    Shall I ring 111 omg helppp
    “And when they look at you, they won't see everything you've been through. They won't see the **** that turned to scars that began to fade with time. They won't see the heartbreaking things that shook up and changed your entire world. They won't know how many tears you cried or even what it was you were crying about. They won't see how strong you had to be because you had no other choice. What they will see though is how compassionate you are because you experienced pain. What they will see is how kind you are because you experienced how cruel the world is. What they will see is how good you are because you've seen how bad things or people can be. The difference between you and your experiences are who you choose to be, despite everything that could have turned you cold and unkind.You are the good the world needs and the best of us.” ~ Kirsten Corley
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    libbystrawberrylibbystrawberry Community Champion Posts: 588 Incredible Poster
    Siena wrote: »
    Shall I ring 111 omg helppp

    siena if its like rlly bad then do call 111
    'told myself that you were right for me, but felt so lonely in your company'
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    SienaSiena Posts: 15,515 Skive's The Limit
    Thank you. I feel okay now physically


    Apart from restricting thoughts have come back as feel guilty and I’m not going to get anywhere with my life either way so might aswell do the only thing that distracts me
    “And when they look at you, they won't see everything you've been through. They won't see the **** that turned to scars that began to fade with time. They won't see the heartbreaking things that shook up and changed your entire world. They won't know how many tears you cried or even what it was you were crying about. They won't see how strong you had to be because you had no other choice. What they will see though is how compassionate you are because you experienced pain. What they will see is how kind you are because you experienced how cruel the world is. What they will see is how good you are because you've seen how bad things or people can be. The difference between you and your experiences are who you choose to be, despite everything that could have turned you cold and unkind.You are the good the world needs and the best of us.” ~ Kirsten Corley
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    SienaSiena Posts: 15,515 Skive's The Limit
    Nm going back to restricting
    “And when they look at you, they won't see everything you've been through. They won't see the **** that turned to scars that began to fade with time. They won't see the heartbreaking things that shook up and changed your entire world. They won't know how many tears you cried or even what it was you were crying about. They won't see how strong you had to be because you had no other choice. What they will see though is how compassionate you are because you experienced pain. What they will see is how kind you are because you experienced how cruel the world is. What they will see is how good you are because you've seen how bad things or people can be. The difference between you and your experiences are who you choose to be, despite everything that could have turned you cold and unkind.You are the good the world needs and the best of us.” ~ Kirsten Corley
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    SienaSiena Posts: 15,515 Skive's The Limit
    I have been referred to ED service so hopefully they can help me because I just can’t
    “And when they look at you, they won't see everything you've been through. They won't see the **** that turned to scars that began to fade with time. They won't see the heartbreaking things that shook up and changed your entire world. They won't know how many tears you cried or even what it was you were crying about. They won't see how strong you had to be because you had no other choice. What they will see though is how compassionate you are because you experienced pain. What they will see is how kind you are because you experienced how cruel the world is. What they will see is how good you are because you've seen how bad things or people can be. The difference between you and your experiences are who you choose to be, despite everything that could have turned you cold and unkind.You are the good the world needs and the best of us.” ~ Kirsten Corley
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    JustVJustV Community Manager Posts: 5,319 Part of The Furniture
    Siena wrote: »
    I have been referred to ED service so hopefully they can help me because I just can’t
    Well done @Siena - did you see someone who then referred you?

    You're doing the right things, and you could be forgiven for showing a lot less determination and resolve than you are, and I think that's really commendable.

    How's the nausea today?
    The truth resists simplicity.
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    SienaSiena Posts: 15,515 Skive's The Limit
    edited November 2023
    Thank you
    My gp did the referral
    I’ve got an assessment with the eating disorder service in February


    I have spent most of the day binge eating and then purging to go back to binging and purging 😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭

    I feel extremely rough and tired now and i don’t know if I’ll be able to make it to work tomorrow
    Post edited by JustV on
    “And when they look at you, they won't see everything you've been through. They won't see the **** that turned to scars that began to fade with time. They won't see the heartbreaking things that shook up and changed your entire world. They won't know how many tears you cried or even what it was you were crying about. They won't see how strong you had to be because you had no other choice. What they will see though is how compassionate you are because you experienced pain. What they will see is how kind you are because you experienced how cruel the world is. What they will see is how good you are because you've seen how bad things or people can be. The difference between you and your experiences are who you choose to be, despite everything that could have turned you cold and unkind.You are the good the world needs and the best of us.” ~ Kirsten Corley
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    Laura_tigger82Laura_tigger82 Moderator Posts: 5,120 Part of The Furniture
    Taking care of yourself, above all else, is really key @Siena - especially when you recognise you are really struggling at the moment and feeling extremely rough and tired. You have done really well to reach out to your GP but I can hear there is a wait until February for these services. Is there anything which might help during this waiting period at the moment?
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    SienaSiena Posts: 15,515 Skive's The Limit
    I just want to die
    “And when they look at you, they won't see everything you've been through. They won't see the **** that turned to scars that began to fade with time. They won't see the heartbreaking things that shook up and changed your entire world. They won't know how many tears you cried or even what it was you were crying about. They won't see how strong you had to be because you had no other choice. What they will see though is how compassionate you are because you experienced pain. What they will see is how kind you are because you experienced how cruel the world is. What they will see is how good you are because you've seen how bad things or people can be. The difference between you and your experiences are who you choose to be, despite everything that could have turned you cold and unkind.You are the good the world needs and the best of us.” ~ Kirsten Corley
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    SienaSiena Posts: 15,515 Skive's The Limit
    edited November 2023
    Binging and purging loads today again. I’m tired and want to die

    I’ll end up just putting all the weight back on at this point
    “And when they look at you, they won't see everything you've been through. They won't see the **** that turned to scars that began to fade with time. They won't see the heartbreaking things that shook up and changed your entire world. They won't know how many tears you cried or even what it was you were crying about. They won't see how strong you had to be because you had no other choice. What they will see though is how compassionate you are because you experienced pain. What they will see is how kind you are because you experienced how cruel the world is. What they will see is how good you are because you've seen how bad things or people can be. The difference between you and your experiences are who you choose to be, despite everything that could have turned you cold and unkind.You are the good the world needs and the best of us.” ~ Kirsten Corley
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    SienaSiena Posts: 15,515 Skive's The Limit
    edited November 2023
    I want to know why I’m using food to cope and how to stop and if you’ve once used food to cope can you ever recover as food isn’t something you can get away from unlike alchohol or drugs. Do I just have an addictive personality and will always be using something to cope. Why do I eat I until I physically feel extremely sick and can’t take it anymore but will carry on, when I HATE feeling sick and why do I think I’m using it as comfort when I do it until I can’t handle anymore food. Am I constantly procrastinating by using anything to get addicted to because I don’t want to face my feelings or this sick world
    “And when they look at you, they won't see everything you've been through. They won't see the **** that turned to scars that began to fade with time. They won't see the heartbreaking things that shook up and changed your entire world. They won't know how many tears you cried or even what it was you were crying about. They won't see how strong you had to be because you had no other choice. What they will see though is how compassionate you are because you experienced pain. What they will see is how kind you are because you experienced how cruel the world is. What they will see is how good you are because you've seen how bad things or people can be. The difference between you and your experiences are who you choose to be, despite everything that could have turned you cold and unkind.You are the good the world needs and the best of us.” ~ Kirsten Corley
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    lunarcat522lunarcat522 Posts: 426 Listening Ear
    Siena wrote: »
    I want to know why I’m using food to cope and how to stop and if you’ve once used food to cope can you ever recover as food isn’t something you can get away from unlike alchohol or drugs. Do I just have an addictive personality and will always be using something to cope. Why do I eat I until I physically feel extremely sick and can’t take it anymore but will carry on, when I HATE feeling sick and why do I think I’m using it as comfort when I do it until I can’t handle anymore food. Am I constantly procrastinating by using anything to get addicted to because I don’t want to face my feelings or this sick world

    People binge eat for a variety of reasons, but as you identified, the main overarching commonality is as a way of coping. There are individuals that are more susceptible to addiction, but as far as I'm aware there doesn't seem to be an addictive personality. I've not researched it a whole lot so I can't say this for certain but I do know that recovery is possible, but if it feels too much at the moment then maybe just focus on small steps in the right direction, towards improvement.

    I've added a link to various reasons someone might binge eat but this isn't an exhaustive list:
    https://nhsinform.scot/illnesses-and-conditions/mental-health/binge-eating-disorder/#causes-of-binge-eating-disorder

    I also struggle with nausea (for different reasons) but I've found that queasy drops sometimes help, which you can get off amazon, but if it's really bad then you can get prescribed medication for it which also helps me on occasions where it's just too overwhelming.

    https://amazon.co.uk/Three-Lollies-Queasy-Drops-Variety/dp/B01H2GSLF0/ref=sr_1_1?crid=29280JLBTV66N&keywords=queasy+drops&qid=1699291026&sprefix=queasy+drops%2Caps%2C188&sr=8-1

    I hope this helps, and I hope things get better for you, just know that we're all here to support you <3
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    SienaSiena Posts: 15,515 Skive's The Limit
    I had assessment with eating disorder team today. Find out on Wednesday the outcome of it
    “And when they look at you, they won't see everything you've been through. They won't see the **** that turned to scars that began to fade with time. They won't see the heartbreaking things that shook up and changed your entire world. They won't know how many tears you cried or even what it was you were crying about. They won't see how strong you had to be because you had no other choice. What they will see though is how compassionate you are because you experienced pain. What they will see is how kind you are because you experienced how cruel the world is. What they will see is how good you are because you've seen how bad things or people can be. The difference between you and your experiences are who you choose to be, despite everything that could have turned you cold and unkind.You are the good the world needs and the best of us.” ~ Kirsten Corley
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    AzzimanAzziman Moderator, Community Champion Posts: 1,870 Extreme Poster
    Hey @Siena, just checking in on this. Well done for going to the assessment today, that's a really big step forward! I hope that the results on Wednesday provide some answers that you're looking for. How are you feeling at the moment? We're here to support you through this <3
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    SienaSiena Posts: 15,515 Skive's The Limit
    Thank you. They rang me but said they don’t have a clear answer yet so will get back next week
    “And when they look at you, they won't see everything you've been through. They won't see the **** that turned to scars that began to fade with time. They won't see the heartbreaking things that shook up and changed your entire world. They won't know how many tears you cried or even what it was you were crying about. They won't see how strong you had to be because you had no other choice. What they will see though is how compassionate you are because you experienced pain. What they will see is how kind you are because you experienced how cruel the world is. What they will see is how good you are because you've seen how bad things or people can be. The difference between you and your experiences are who you choose to be, despite everything that could have turned you cold and unkind.You are the good the world needs and the best of us.” ~ Kirsten Corley
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    SienaSiena Posts: 15,515 Skive's The Limit
    The eating disorder team don’t wanna help me and says it’s a widen symptom of BPD so personality disorder team need to help. Yet I’ve had a diagnosis of anorexia in the past

    They have a multi disciplinary meeting about me on Wednesday. Which includes my alcohol worker, my gp, health care person who changes my sh dressing, the mental health connection person, adult social care, someone from the eating disorder team and someone from the personality disorder team. It’s scary and weird that that many people will be speaking about me. I don’t hold much hopes for a good outcome as no one wants to help me and they all just want to throw me around and say it’s too complex for them
    “And when they look at you, they won't see everything you've been through. They won't see the **** that turned to scars that began to fade with time. They won't see the heartbreaking things that shook up and changed your entire world. They won't know how many tears you cried or even what it was you were crying about. They won't see how strong you had to be because you had no other choice. What they will see though is how compassionate you are because you experienced pain. What they will see is how kind you are because you experienced how cruel the world is. What they will see is how good you are because you've seen how bad things or people can be. The difference between you and your experiences are who you choose to be, despite everything that could have turned you cold and unkind.You are the good the world needs and the best of us.” ~ Kirsten Corley
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    Laura_tigger82Laura_tigger82 Moderator Posts: 5,120 Part of The Furniture
    That sounds really difficult @Siena - not having your needs addressed due to a diagnosis of BPD and involvement with the personality disorder team. Almost trapped between services, would that be fair to say?

    Do you feel able to talk to your personality disorder team / are there any services that sit between the eating disorder team and the personality disorder team who you may feel more comfortable talking to - such as your GP or more general mental health support team?

    You deserve all the support you need and your feelings are valid here. Hopefully, the multi-agency team will identify the 'right' people who can support you. However, from what I can hear, you just want support and do not mind where the support comes from, am I hearing this right?

    Is there anything we can do to help at the moment? We are here with you.
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    SienaSiena Posts: 15,515 Skive's The Limit
    Thank you. I’m still losing weight and my BMI is getting pretty low. They said the multi disciplinary meeting went well and that the ED team and PD team are gunna meet up again with my gp
    “And when they look at you, they won't see everything you've been through. They won't see the **** that turned to scars that began to fade with time. They won't see the heartbreaking things that shook up and changed your entire world. They won't know how many tears you cried or even what it was you were crying about. They won't see how strong you had to be because you had no other choice. What they will see though is how compassionate you are because you experienced pain. What they will see is how kind you are because you experienced how cruel the world is. What they will see is how good you are because you've seen how bad things or people can be. The difference between you and your experiences are who you choose to be, despite everything that could have turned you cold and unkind.You are the good the world needs and the best of us.” ~ Kirsten Corley
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    Laura_tigger82Laura_tigger82 Moderator Posts: 5,120 Part of The Furniture
    It sounds positive that they found the multi-disciplinary went well @Siena. The most important thing, though, is how you are feeling it went! How have you been managing since this - any more support etc? :)
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