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Anorexia relapse
Siena
Posts: 15,673 Skive's The Limit
I had anorexia a few years ago and it turned into binge eating with the occasional purging & spending a while restricting to go back to binging but this is the longest and extreme I’ve been restricting since and I’m kinda scared on where I’m gunna end up as already lost a lot of weight but I feel it is party helping my suicidal thoughts as well as helping me descrease my alcohol use and self harming behaviours. But I feel totally consumed by food and calories and numbers and it’s partly distracting but partly extremely overwhelming when I spend hours last night on different supermarkets finding low calorie stuff and researching a load of random shit.
I also hate my home life & I’ve been like kinda noticing when I get pissed off with my mum or sister or dad I find my mindset going like “they don’t give a fuck about me” and i don’t know it makes me feel like maybe unworthy of anything and just like a piece of shit & like I have no control over my life. I’m stuck in this shit house where the atmosphere is awful and the only thing I can control is my food. I can now tell my weight loss in noticeable so I am doing everything to hide that from my family as that will make the atmosphere even more worse and I couldn’t take that.
I’ve also feel like it’s getting to the end of the year soon and I’ve once again done fuck all with my life & really upsets me & that I would like to be able to say to myself but yeah you did this to yourself and deserve that because can’t do fuck all else & well atleast have some sense of achievement.
I also feel more angry a lot more and I’m guessing that’s because of hunger but yeah
Just really don’t get what I’m meant to do. At some point I won’t have much more weight to lose and maybe I’m just kinda wanting to just disappear and die
I also hate my home life & I’ve been like kinda noticing when I get pissed off with my mum or sister or dad I find my mindset going like “they don’t give a fuck about me” and i don’t know it makes me feel like maybe unworthy of anything and just like a piece of shit & like I have no control over my life. I’m stuck in this shit house where the atmosphere is awful and the only thing I can control is my food. I can now tell my weight loss in noticeable so I am doing everything to hide that from my family as that will make the atmosphere even more worse and I couldn’t take that.
I’ve also feel like it’s getting to the end of the year soon and I’ve once again done fuck all with my life & really upsets me & that I would like to be able to say to myself but yeah you did this to yourself and deserve that because can’t do fuck all else & well atleast have some sense of achievement.
I also feel more angry a lot more and I’m guessing that’s because of hunger but yeah
Just really don’t get what I’m meant to do. At some point I won’t have much more weight to lose and maybe I’m just kinda wanting to just disappear and die
“And when they look at you, they won't see everything you've been through. They won't see the **** that turned to scars that began to fade with time. They won't see the heartbreaking things that shook up and changed your entire world. They won't know how many tears you cried or even what it was you were crying about. They won't see how strong you had to be because you had no other choice. What they will see though is how compassionate you are because you experienced pain. What they will see is how kind you are because you experienced how cruel the world is. What they will see is how good you are because you've seen how bad things or people can be. The difference between you and your experiences are who you choose to be, despite everything that could have turned you cold and unkind.You are the good the world needs and the best of us.” ~ Kirsten Corley
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Comments
I think the way you talked about anorexia in the context of self-harm is really insightful. Like it's a coping mechanism that scratches the same itch as other forms of self-destructive behavior, even helping assuage those suicidal thoughts, which makes sense. I think that's a powerful reflection and it's positive that you can understand it in that way - you know yourself well.
But I can tell you're also reaching a point where you need to contend with the damage it's doing to your body, and the all-consuming nature of the ED thoughts.
You're right to be worried about your physical health because extreme weight loss can be dangerous, and I wonder that part goes beyond what The Mix can help with. You might benefit more from crisis support or a medical referral of some kind - is that something you're open to?
You could get in touch with:
You're doing really well to identify the risks you're coming up against Siena, and to articulate what you're feeling and connect it all together, and you're doing the right thing to reach out. I know it's tempting to avoid it, and to sink into that feeling of 'wanting to disappear', especially when you're already working harder than anyone else just to stay afloat and keep moving forward.
Final thing (I promise!), I feel like this gets to the core of what's happening:
A lot of of people relate their self-destructive behaviour to a lack of control, especially disordered eating, and it's good that you're able to draw that connection. Do you see any changes to your living situation on the horizon? (e.g. a chance to move out)
Something really hit me today where I feel way to consumed by it all and I feel like I am not even loving teddy as much as I used to because my mind is so consumed by it. Like I feel like I’ve been ignoring even teddy. So today I have eaten the recommended amount of food. I feel massive guilt and I haven’t binged ate but I feel over it and I just want to live my life maybe work full time and leave this shit hole. But I will get no where like this
I feel weak and so guilty but I feel kinda proud but very emotional at the same time
siena if its like rlly bad then do call 111
Apart from restricting thoughts have come back as feel guilty and I’m not going to get anywhere with my life either way so might aswell do the only thing that distracts me
You're doing the right things, and you could be forgiven for showing a lot less determination and resolve than you are, and I think that's really commendable.
How's the nausea today?
My gp did the referral
I’ve got an assessment with the eating disorder service in February
I have spent most of the day binge eating and then purging to go back to binging and purging 😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭
I feel extremely rough and tired now and i don’t know if I’ll be able to make it to work tomorrow
I’ll end up just putting all the weight back on at this point
People binge eat for a variety of reasons, but as you identified, the main overarching commonality is as a way of coping. There are individuals that are more susceptible to addiction, but as far as I'm aware there doesn't seem to be an addictive personality. I've not researched it a whole lot so I can't say this for certain but I do know that recovery is possible, but if it feels too much at the moment then maybe just focus on small steps in the right direction, towards improvement.
I've added a link to various reasons someone might binge eat but this isn't an exhaustive list:
https://nhsinform.scot/illnesses-and-conditions/mental-health/binge-eating-disorder/#causes-of-binge-eating-disorder
I also struggle with nausea (for different reasons) but I've found that queasy drops sometimes help, which you can get off amazon, but if it's really bad then you can get prescribed medication for it which also helps me on occasions where it's just too overwhelming.
https://amazon.co.uk/Three-Lollies-Queasy-Drops-Variety/dp/B01H2GSLF0/ref=sr_1_1?crid=29280JLBTV66N&keywords=queasy+drops&qid=1699291026&sprefix=queasy+drops%2Caps%2C188&sr=8-1
I hope this helps, and I hope things get better for you, just know that we're all here to support you
They have a multi disciplinary meeting about me on Wednesday. Which includes my alcohol worker, my gp, health care person who changes my sh dressing, the mental health connection person, adult social care, someone from the eating disorder team and someone from the personality disorder team. It’s scary and weird that that many people will be speaking about me. I don’t hold much hopes for a good outcome as no one wants to help me and they all just want to throw me around and say it’s too complex for them
Do you feel able to talk to your personality disorder team / are there any services that sit between the eating disorder team and the personality disorder team who you may feel more comfortable talking to - such as your GP or more general mental health support team?
You deserve all the support you need and your feelings are valid here. Hopefully, the multi-agency team will identify the 'right' people who can support you. However, from what I can hear, you just want support and do not mind where the support comes from, am I hearing this right?
Is there anything we can do to help at the moment? We are here with you.