I feel like an alien

i am 16 years old and i dont remember the last time i ever loved anyone
i dont mean in just a romantic way
i mean in general with people
sometimes it makes me feel very bad to say that
i dont love my family
i dont love the people i call my best friends
they are just people who happen to be around me and i dont know why i cant love them

all my interactions with people feel very empty and shallow
i genuinely cant form connections to people

i feel like my childhood could've had an influence on my ability to relate to other people
as my family is/was very dysfunctional in many ways
i just feel like there is a wall between me and other people all the time and it makes life very lonely for me sometimes
but most of the time i cope with it
to me talking to people feels like a chore most of the time
i just really want a meaningful hug or a meaningful relationship
today it felt very particularly unbearable and i felt very lonely

i dont know what is wrong with me and i feel like im broken or faulty
i dont know how other people have friends and love people and it makes me feel very alien because everyone else can do it
but for some reason i cant

i've been with a few therapists who have discussed things like depression and dissocation due to traume (which could explain this) but i havent been officially diagnosed with anything

i just feel like such a freak
i dont even know what response i want to this i think i just need to talk to someone today

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Comments

kaii

Hey @orangejuice , I'm so sorry that you're feeling like this. Thank you for being brave and reaching out to us

Your mixed feelings about your friends and family are valid. This doesn't mean that you specifically hate them. I'm not sure why you have mixed feelings about them, but sometimes they may have done things which you can't forgive them for, or it doesn't seem like they will change, which is completely fine. You shouldn't have to feel guilty for not loving them - it doesn't make you a bad person at all. If you're comfortable answering, why do you feel like you don't love your friends and family?

You're not alone with this feeling. A lot of people, myself included, like to form meaningful relationships with others, but this can be very difficult. So please don't think that you're broken or faulty because of this. May I ask, what makes you think that the interactions you form with people are very empty and shallow? Could it be because your needs of social connection aren't met?

I'm so sorry to hear that your family is/was dysfunctional. You're very strong for having to put up with this. Since you mentioned that your childhood may have affected your ability to connect with others, maybe it would help to see your gp, or discuss how you're feeling with therapists. This could give you some clarification of whether you need a diagnosis of depression or dissociation and the next steps you should take if you do end up being diagnosed.

If you're uncomfortable with these options and you need someone to talk to, please remember that our community is here for you

Sending virtual hugs

you're doing well, keep trying your best

Former Member

@kaii
thanks for the lovely words!
i dont know
its just with everyone
i just dont know how to form connections with people
i dont know why i dont love people either
it just feels like i am trapped in a cage and everyone's outside it all the time

ive been referred to cahms because of an overdose but i haven't been diagnosed with anything
i just really want help but im not sure where to get it
i feel like i really do have a mental illness and that would explain the majority of my behavior
talking therapies don't work for me either for many different reasons
but i will try and remain hopeful for the future

kaii

@orangejuice I understand how hard it can be to make connections with people, I also have trouble dong this myself. I would just like to say that taking your time may help when it comes to forming connections with people ^^ it can be very daunting opening up to others right away, strong and meaningful connections take plenty of time, so it can help to be patient

I'd like to ask, what kind of things do you like to do? What are your hobbies? Chances are, there are people out there who enjoy the same things as you. So you could join a club or group based on your hobbies and interests - you might find your tribe there, and it would be a great start for you to connect with others ^^

It may also help to try out some self-care ^^ here are some examples:
- reading a book
- listening to music
- going for a walk outside
- eating some tasty snacks
- getting enough sleep
- watching your favourite movie/tv show

Since you feel that you may have a mental illness, it may help to speak to your gp about this. They can refer you to the right mental health services, or they may be able to give you a diagnosis.

You may find these other resources helpful:

- https://www.samaritans.org/how-we-can-help/contact-samaritan/ - you can call them on 116 123 or write them an email on jo@samaritans.org
- https://www.thecalmzone.net/get-support - CALM's helpline and live chat are open from 5pm to midnight everyday
- https://giveusashout.org/get-help/ - you can text SHOUT to 85258, a free, confidential and anonymous service. Since you mentioned that talking therapies don't help you, writing down your feelings and thoughts may help you understand them better

I'm aware that these services can't give you a diagnosis, but they may help you cope with the feelings that you have now ^^

Hoping the best for you

Laura_tigger82

Thanks for reaching out to us @orangejuice. I can hear that it is a particularly difficult time for you at the moment.

When you say you don’t know how to form connections with people and don’t know why you don’t love people either, would you like to tell us more about what this looks like for you? We are here with you.

How are you feeling about being referred to CAMHS at the moment? If you need any further support, please remember the following resources are available for you:

You can go to your nearest a & e or call 999 (24/7) if you feel unsafe or have any concerns about your health and safety
The Mix’s Crisis Messenger (24/7) – you can text ‘THEMIX’ to 85258 if you are feeling in crisis
Samaritans (24/7) – You can call 116 123 or email jo@samaritans.org
Papyrus (2 pm-midnight) – You can call 0800 068 41 41 or email pat@papyrus-uk.org

It sounds like you feel like you have a mental illness and that would explain the majority of your behaviour. Hopefully, you might receive the support you need and deserve with this soon.

It is okay to not find talking therapies helpful. Different things work best for different people.

Please feel free to keep us updated on how you are doing. We are all here for you

Former Member

@Laura_tigger82
i don't know how to explain it but people are just so easily exposable for me
i can imagine never talking to my "friends" again and i feel completely fine with that which made me think i was a bad person
a "friend" came down to visit me by train from where i grew up which took ages and i kept having really negative thoughts all day and after because i know i dont value her enough to do that for her and i wouldn't of done the same at all
infact i was prepared to never speak to her again after i moved and i was completely fine with that
its not that i don't get along with them, its not that they're mean to me
its just me
no matter what i do i just cant be close to people emotionally no matter what they do or how good they are for me

Former Member

*people are just so easily disposable

Former Member

@kaii
thank you for the kind words

its less that they arent into the same thing that i am not into
or that they are horrible to me
or that i dont have people around me
or anything like that
i just really can't make myself like anybody

i'll try some of the stuff you mentioned anyway since i wouldn't lose anything by doing it anyway

kaii

@orangejuice I understand how scary it can be since you don't know what others will be like. If it makes you feel comfortable, you can join groups/clubs remotely on social media or through zoom, etc. You don't have to talk to people right away - you can get used to the environment first, then maybe you can gain confidence to talk to people ^^ and I understand why you might think there are others who aren't into the same things as you - but I'm sure there are people who are

I had quite an uncommon interest before, but I ended up meeting a lot of people and making friends with them through it!

You don't have to make yourself like anybody at all - you are your own unique person, so please don't feel that you have to change at all to make friends

I hope my suggestions help

Former Member

Hey @orangejuice !

It's so good to see that you have a lot of great advice on this thread, especially with the different mental health advice services you can talk to

orangejuice wrote: »

@Laura_tigger82
i can imagine never talking to my "friends" again and i feel completely fine with that which made me think i was a bad person
a "friend" came down to visit me by train from where i grew up which took ages and i kept having really negative thoughts all day and after because i know i dont value her enough to do that for her and i wouldn't of done the same at all

It sounds as though you are being really hard on yourself right now in feeling as though you don't value the people around you as much as you should. This must be really overwhelming to have these negative thoughts about yourself when you are with your friends, it must make the time you do spend together quite difficult to enjoy? The fact that you are concerned and want to show an appreciation for your friends and those around you is a sign in itself that you value and are grateful for them and the good that they do. Perhaps it would be good to take some pressure off in focusing on how you are in your relationships, and try to do things that make you feel good about yourself. Maybe a hobby you are good or spending time pursuing an interest of yours?

It's really hard to see ourselves as good in our relationships when we aren't feeling good in ourselves on the day to day. Try not to push yourself too hard, you are making really positive steps and it's good to give ourselves credit sometimes.

Hope you start to feel better soon

Maisy

It sounds like you are having a really hard time feeling disconnected and cut off from positive relationships. Depression and dissociation can definitely make you feel this way- like there is a wall that prevents you from fully experiencing the positive emotions from relationships.

You mention that your interactions with others feel shallow, that socialising takes effort and that what friends do for you, you wouldn't necessarily do the same for them. You also mention that you want a meaningful hug and meaningful relationships. First of all, this is okay and doesn't mean that you are broken (despite what it may feel like) and you aren't bad either for feeling the way you do. Secondly, I'm wondering whether with your friends or family, you feel like you can be yourself at all? Or does it feel like you are 'hiding' and going along with what other people do or say? If you find yourself going along with others, and not able to express yourself or be yourself, this may be (at least partly) why you may feel so disconnected from your friends and family. We need people who accept us for who we are, not who they think we are. If we can't be ourselves, we may find that our relationships with others are off-balance- that they might put in more effort than us or that we feel they like us more than we like them. Part of restoring this balance might be finding yourself and then finding people you can be yourself around.

It's easier said than done and can take a lot of time, but it's worth it when you connect with someone on a level unlike what you've experienced before

Former Member

Hi mate, this is a bit late in the day but I hope you are doing okay?

Nobody has quite grasped what you are going through have they? Especially mental health professionals by what you have described. Seems like people are missing the ROOT of the problem... FEELINGS.. or specifically your OWN feelings... Or exactly.. the LACK of FEELING them..

Pay attentuon.. "the LACK of FEELING them..", smile, relax (I know lol) because it isn't that you dont have any FEELINGS.

What you are describing is a kind of phenomenon known as Alexithymia. Please look this up/discuss it with mental health professionals.. Alexithymia.

Therapy will not work so long as you suffer this mental/psychological block (technically a Dissociation from emotion.. it is a subconscious defense mechanism.)

I know this because I have suffered the same for years.. my problems were different to yours but I felt the need to register and post this because I understand the inner prison that it is.. and nobody not suffering the disorder gets.. in fact, I imagine you may be misunderstood at least on some occasions as heartless.

DO NOT internalise this judgement from people (wih good intention but your diminished emotional resonance throws them... important to understand this... YOU ARE NOT COLD/A ROBOT/A SOCIOPATH/ETC etc etc..).

HERE'S THE GOOD NEWS.

You are also - if all this is describing your inner experience - NOT unable to connect or form bonds or empathise etc... Need proof? Okay..

2 things.. do you have any feelings of your own? do they have any real depth? Is anger/falling into yourself the ONLY - seemingly REAL - emotional experience you have? YES? Good!!! Then you are NOT incapable of FEELING. Honestly mate, I have been there.. for years on end. The simple fact that this bothers you and you "feel" bad for not connecting.. exactly you 'feel' bad.. I know. I imagine you do feel bad.. but you don't feel it strongly.. at all. (I was the same..) Not a critism, this is evidence you have Alexithymia.. think of it as a block.. a psychological block.. a defense mechnism that shuts you off from emotion to protect your invalidated self from more than it can take.

OK?

So 'cheer up' lol.. look on the bright side HA!
Have a hot bath.. paint a picture.. go for a walk enjoy nature LOL.

No reallt, please reach me as I can point you in the right direction to ACTUALLY move your fuckingife forwards..there is a whole UNIVERSE of experience beyond this HORRIFIC prison of the soul.

Daniel.

Laura_tigger82

Thanks everyone for continuing to support @orangejuice. How are you doing at the moment @orangejuice?

@totalscience [post edited by moderator]. I removed your email address to help keep you and the community safe in line with our guidelines.

Please feel free to keep supporting each other on this thread though and on the forum more generally! We are all here for you too