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Depressed

Anch0r33Anch0r33 Posts: 1,201 Wise Owl
I mean it's been going on for years, as long as I can remember. I can't remember actually feeling anything other than this, but I just feel worse. Like all the time. I don't know what I can do to feel better. It's like I speak about how I feel, I talk on here, and I just feel more and more lonely.

I lost most of my friends on here, I only really know a few of you guys now. I don't have friends IRL. The people that I do talk to all have better things to do than to spend time with me. I only communicate with people at my sports teams, we don't go out and have fun, we don't message about anything other than our sport. It's fucking boring and for having so many people I feel so fucking lonely and isolated. And no it's not the pandemic, it was worse when things were in person because then all I'd see was people meeting up and me being left out as per.

I hate my sports, I hate everything, I hate my life and I literally just want to die - although I should add a disclaimer to this, I'm not suicidal but I just feel like utter shit.

All I ever get is negative thoughts - social media is a shithole, all I ever see is people who want nothing to do with me. How can someone with thousands of "friends" be so fucking lonely. Surely someone cares about them?? Seemingly not.

I tried to heal broken friendships and they want nothing to do with me. It hurts like absolute shit.

Negative thoughts that fill my head - all I think about is memories of being taken into care, being bullied, being lonely, mistakes I've made, people I've hurt, people who have hurt me, my family dying, even my family that don't want me. I think of how my dad wants nothing to do with me and how I've never once lived or slept in the same house as my sister.

I always try to look on the bright side of life, I mean I'm successful on the surface - you look at me and there's nothing wrong. I'm a GB athlete. I'm at a world top 100 uni, I've got a stable and happy relationship, I've got my pets, I've got what looks like a supportive family and I've lived abroad. I'm on numerous committees and sports teams and I'm involved in some pretty cool projects.

But I just feel so empty.

Nobody gives a shit about me - my bfs mum posted a pic of the "family". It was basically all her blood related family. It hurts. It fucking burns. I'm supposed to be family but I'm not. I'm just her son's gf.

I'm nothing special. I'm just empty.

I want my life to get better, not physically but mentally. I want to feel happy and enjoy life.

Everything's just so boring. People genuinely wouldn't care if I died or went missing or dropped off a cliff. I really believe only a few people would care, and even then they'd get over it.

I'm a horrible, abusive piece of shit and I can't even hide it anymore. You might all think I'm nice but I don't, I think I'm awful. I hate me, I hate being me and I wish I was dead. I'm literally just like my mother. But I'm worse. I can't control my anger, I can't make friends, I hurt people around me. I might seem nice on the surface but once you get close you'll regret it. I regret letting anyone in, I just hurt everyone.

I wish I was never born
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Comments

  • independent_independent_ Community Champion Posts: 8,610 Legendary Poster
    Hey, I’m sorry to hear you’re feeling so low. I’ve been in that place before and it’s horrible. It’s very lonely and impossible to see a way out.

    Please know that I don’t, and could never, think you are horrible or anything else. You’re going through a hard time, you’ve been through so much shit, that does not make you horrible. You’re struggling and that’s ok.

    I’m only a message away if you need someone to talk to, sending so many hugs <3
    “Sometimes the people around you won’t understand your journey. They don’t need to, it’s not for them.”
  • Anch0r33Anch0r33 Posts: 1,201 Wise Owl
    Thanks @independent_ it's really lovely to read that.

    It's hard to see otherwise tbh, I'm not sure how to get out of it. Everywhere I've went for help has really been a failure and it's just shit. I'm at an absolute loss of what to do. I know ultimately if I leave myself feeling like this it'll just get worse and worse but nowhere wants to help.

    I haven't had actual mental health help since late 2018 so honestly don't know what to do. Self help doesn't help and NHS is a shit show.
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  • independent_independent_ Community Champion Posts: 8,610 Legendary Poster
    edited September 2021
    Yeah I know you’ve been struggling to get any support, which must be really awful. It’s the same where I am, the services are so underfunded and stretched that they’re having to turn people away until it’s too late. Medication helps me, to a degree. I know it’s not a solution to the actual problem but maybe worth speaking to your GP about medication if you can’t get any counselling soon. Sorry if you’ve already tried that, can’t remember if you said you have or not.
    “Sometimes the people around you won’t understand your journey. They don’t need to, it’s not for them.”
  • Anch0r33Anch0r33 Posts: 1,201 Wise Owl
    Yeah I know you’ve been struggling to get any support, which must be really awful. It’s the same where I am, the services are so underfunded and stretched that they’re having to turn people away until it’s too late. Medication helps me, to a degree. I know it’s not a solution to the actual problem but maybe worth speaking to your GP about medication if you can’t get any counselling soon. Sorry if you’ve already tried that, can’t remember if you said you have or not.

    I've not actually tried medication. It's never been offered to me - I was actually declined it previously as I wasn't deemed severe enough.
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  • independent_independent_ Community Champion Posts: 8,610 Legendary Poster
    It’s worth having another chat with your GP, they don’t always recommend medication but if you feel it might help you there’s no harm in seeing the GP again. They might be able to put in another referral to services for you too, although I appreciate that’s a very frustrating process.
    “Sometimes the people around you won’t understand your journey. They don’t need to, it’s not for them.”
  • Anch0r33Anch0r33 Posts: 1,201 Wise Owl
    Yeah @independent_ it might be worthwhile. It's just frustrating because I don't want to have to go through my story again and again.

    I feel like I've lost any sort of resilience that I had, I just can't be bothered with anything anymore
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  • SirArchibaldSirArchibald Posts: 75 Budding Regular
    I am really sorry that you’ve been having such a tough time, it must be difficult to feel so bad for such a long time, I can understand why you are giving up hope. It can be so hard to keep going when it feels like each way you turn is a dead end. But don’t give up, there will be a time when you feel happy, it will come, you just have to keep going. One of my favourite sayings is ‘it will all be okay in the end, if its not okay its not the end. I’m also sorry that you don’t have a strong friendship group to support you irl, but you do have your boyfriend and it could be a good idea to talk to him about your feelings, he cares about you and could help you. I know that many of my friends I made through my boyfriend. Also you don’t have to have lots of friends, I have 3 close friends who I see regularly, its not the size of the group that matters its the quality of the friendships.
    I know from what you’ve said that therapy hasn’t worked for you before, but I think it could be good for you to try it again, there are many places that you can access therapy. From your school, college or uni, (which ever you go to), there are also a lot of charities in that offer therapy for free, and you can always try the NHS again. It might also be worth reaching out to your coach at your sports club, I’m sure they care about you and would be able to help you out.
    I am truly sorry that you’ve been feeling so negative about yourself. I know you feel like a bad person and that you deserve all this, but I am sure that you don’t. Feeling so negatively about yourself can make it even harder to feel like life is worth living. But you do deserve to live and you deserve to be happy, being depressed does not make you a bad person. Even if you do lash out at people it does not mean you are a bad person, you are in a bad situation and sometimes that means you lash out or say mean things, it is because you are also hurting. All you can do is apologise and explain the situation to them, I’m sure people close to you will understand.
    I hope that you can get the help you need and that `you start to feel better. <3<3
  • Anch0r33Anch0r33 Posts: 1,201 Wise Owl
    Thanks for that @SirArchibald

    I've got my bf and that's pretty much it. I don't have anyone else to go and see. I just want people to hang out with and spend time with :/

    I've tried accessing therapy - I have been in and out since I was in primary school, I think about 9 or 10 years old max. That's 8/9 years worth of therapy and literally nothing. I saw my uni counselling services and was told that my trauma is too much for them to deal with as they can't offer ongoing support. The NHS have transferred me back and forth between different services and I was supposed to get a call back in January. I chased them up and was told they'd get to me and here I am still waiting. I'm not chasing them up yet again. It's draining and shit. It's not my job to make sure they're doing their job.

    I tried reaching out to free charities that offer counselling and hit a brick wall each time. I remember finding one that specialises in trauma and I was told that unless I was POC then I was unable to see them. It was very demoralising tbh.

    I'm gonna be totally honest I don't have any strong relationships with any of my coaches and don't know who I'd feel comfortable opening up to.

    I know it must seem like I'm shitting down all of your suggestions, I promise I'm not. I'm so thankful for these suggestions, I just feel like I've tried everything and nothings ever working.

    I really am a horrible person, I've physically hurt my partner, we've got into physical fights because of me and I'm just an arsehole. I don't deserve the oxygen that I breathe. I really don't. I know it's not my fault I feel like this but I don't have any right to hurt the people that I care about.

    I'm working on it, I wanna get there <3
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  • Emma_Emma_ Community Manager Posts: 599 Incredible Poster
    It sounds like things are feeling a bit rough at the moment Anchor <3
    A lot has happened over the years, so its understandable there's a lot of negative thoughts floating around. It's okay to feel down even when things on the outside look great. These things can co-exist meaning just because you're not feeling good, it doesn't mean you haven't achieved a lot!

    You mentioned you've tried a few support options in the past that didn't really work out, do you think revisiting your GP could help? In theory, they should have notes of things in the past meaning you shouldn't have to go through your story again, maybe just what's going on at the moment? I can hear how draining it is chasing for support and not being followed up time and time again but there's also a chance that by speaking to your GP, they can do the chasing for you. I wondered if there was anything in the past that did help, that maybe you could pick up again?

    It really sucks to feel that no one would care if you weren't here, but do remember the whole community are here to support and listen. I know a lot of your friends no longer use The Mix but there are so many others here looking for new friends. It looks like you've got a great friend in @independent_ here too!
    I can see you've posted a bit on other threads too - you're such a valued member of the our community and we do really care <3
  • SirArchibaldSirArchibald Posts: 75 Budding Regular
    Its okay, it seems like you are trying a lot of different things and reaching out which is good. I am sorry that you’ve hit a brick wall with all of the services you’ve reached out too. It is really frustrating when you try to reach out and nothing happens. Makes it even harder to reach out in future, but I am glad you still feel able to reach out here. I’ve heard of these charities that offer free therapy: think action: https://www.wearewithyou.org.uk/help-and-advice/find-service/how-we-help-mental-health/, The Mind https://www.mind.org.uk/
    Hopefully they can be of them of some use to you. Another alterative is going for private services, if you have the money. Private services wouldn’t have as long a waiting times and you would have more choice in what therapy you got, but they would be costly. It would be worth a try if you have the funds. @independent_ also mentioned meds which would could help. I think it would be good to book an appointment with a GP and tell them everything is going on, as they will be able to prescribe you meds and refer you to over services too.
    I am sorry that you only have you bf and that you arent close to your coaches, but if there is one that you are closest too it might be worth mentioning that you haven’t been doing to great. You don’t have to tell them everything, but just letting them know might help widen your support network.
    I can understand why you feel so negative about yourself, but the harder you are on yourself the harder it becomes to think positively about yourself and think positively about life. You may have done bad things, but that does not make you a wholely bad person who deserves to die. If you can recognise that you have done bad things then that is the start to changing! Fighting or abusing your partner is not good,, but you recognise that which is very good. Bad people do not think they are bad people. You are in a bad headspace and that means that you wont always be able to handle things well, and that’s okay! Finding healthy way to handle and express your emotions may help to decrease your fighting. It can be difficult to change especially when you feel so drained already, but I believe that you can do it!
    https://www.verywellmind.com/managing-conflict-in-relationships-communication-tips-3144967 - this has some good advice on communication with partner
    https://www.healthline.com/health/how-to-control-your-emotions#regulate good advice for emotion regulation.
    I hope this is helpful. I can’t imagine that how hard things must be for you right now, but you are worthy of happiness and you will get there one day. I am so proud of you for reaching out after being rejected, it takes real courage to do that. Things will get better and so will you.

  • ApolloApollo Posts: 804 Part of The Mix Family
    The fact that you feel so guilty shows even if you've done horrible things you want to improve and you're not a horrible person, I don't have much experience with getting help but people above have given some good advice and the mix offers free counselling.

    I feel like the fact you view yourself so negatively might influence the fact you don't have many friends, if you can sort that I'm sure you'll have a much easier time connecting with people
    🎵 I feel so funny these days, I'd rather sleep than stay awake 🎵
  • Anch0r33Anch0r33 Posts: 1,201 Wise Owl
    @Apollo I've always struggled with connecting with people, even back to primary school days. I struggle with large groups and I struggle with presentations. I know where you're coming from but even before all the shit in my life people still didn't connect well with me. I get on fine with people at my sports teams, I can talk to them all but we don't spend time together apart from sports. It's hard to explain but that's just my reality.

    The mix only offers short term counselling unfortunately which wouldn't be suitable for me. I need someone that specialises in trauma and tbh it's hard to find.
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  • Anch0r33Anch0r33 Posts: 1,201 Wise Owl
    I'm in pain :( my arm which I broke previously (years ago) is giving me what I can only describe as phantom pain. Nothings happened but it's the same area that was damaged years ago.

    :(
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  • lovemimoonlovemimoon Posts: 2,318 Boards Champion
    Hi @Anch0r33

    Reading your post has resonated with me a lot and tbh, it's going to get harder before it gets easier. <3

    I have been abusive and toxic towards the people I love, tbh, it's not easy healing with that aspect. As much as we tell ourselves that we're horrible people for hurting those around us, but there's a massive difference; horrible people don't feel guilt or remorse for their actions, they justify them. You came here and did one of the bravest things anyone could do; you admitted a part of yourself most people would be horrified to express. I'm gonna give you a big hug here:
    6cgpp2ssmgq0.png

    It's understandable why you struggle to connect, and (easier said than done), please don't be so hard on yourself. <3 Forgive yourself for hurting the people you love, and do the best you can to heal. In terms of therapy & counselling, it's very stressful to find the right services for you, especially when you carry so much trauma with you. The services that you can access now, use it to the fullest until you can find the right service for you. <3

    How are you doing?
  • AzzimanAzziman Moderator, Community Champion Posts: 1,826 Extreme Poster
    @Anch0r33 sorry to hear how you feel. Sending you hugs - you're important to us <3
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  • Anch0r33Anch0r33 Posts: 1,201 Wise Owl
    Self harmed the other day for the first time in years. Not doing great but still working on it
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  • independent_independent_ Community Champion Posts: 8,610 Legendary Poster
    Hey @Anch0r33 I’m sorry to hear you’re still struggling. Don’t beat yourself up about the self harm, I know how hard that is to deal with. Anything in particular making you feel low at the moment or just the same as before?
    “Sometimes the people around you won’t understand your journey. They don’t need to, it’s not for them.”
  • Anch0r33Anch0r33 Posts: 1,201 Wise Owl
    @independent_ I'm not really sure tbh, things just feel shit. Just wish things would be easier
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