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Depressed
Former Member
Obnoxiously Large AnchorPosts: 1,201 Wise Owl
I mean it's been going on for years, as long as I can remember. I can't remember actually feeling anything other than this, but I just feel worse. Like all the time. I don't know what I can do to feel better. It's like I speak about how I feel, I talk on here, and I just feel more and more lonely.
I lost most of my friends on here, I only really know a few of you guys now. I don't have friends IRL. The people that I do talk to all have better things to do than to spend time with me. I only communicate with people at my sports teams, we don't go out and have fun, we don't message about anything other than our sport. It's fucking boring and for having so many people I feel so fucking lonely and isolated. And no it's not the pandemic, it was worse when things were in person because then all I'd see was people meeting up and me being left out as per.
I hate my sports, I hate everything, I hate my life and I literally just want to die - although I should add a disclaimer to this, I'm not suicidal but I just feel like utter shit.
All I ever get is negative thoughts - social media is a shithole, all I ever see is people who want nothing to do with me. How can someone with thousands of "friends" be so fucking lonely. Surely someone cares about them?? Seemingly not.
I tried to heal broken friendships and they want nothing to do with me. It hurts like absolute shit.
Negative thoughts that fill my head - all I think about is memories of being taken into care, being bullied, being lonely, mistakes I've made, people I've hurt, people who have hurt me, my family dying, even my family that don't want me. I think of how my dad wants nothing to do with me and how I've never once lived or slept in the same house as my sister.
I always try to look on the bright side of life, I mean I'm successful on the surface - you look at me and there's nothing wrong. I'm a GB athlete. I'm at a world top 100 uni, I've got a stable and happy relationship, I've got my pets, I've got what looks like a supportive family and I've lived abroad. I'm on numerous committees and sports teams and I'm involved in some pretty cool projects.
But I just feel so empty.
Nobody gives a shit about me - my bfs mum posted a pic of the "family". It was basically all her blood related family. It hurts. It fucking burns. I'm supposed to be family but I'm not. I'm just her son's gf.
I'm nothing special. I'm just empty.
I want my life to get better, not physically but mentally. I want to feel happy and enjoy life.
Everything's just so boring. People genuinely wouldn't care if I died or went missing or dropped off a cliff. I really believe only a few people would care, and even then they'd get over it.
I'm a horrible, abusive piece of shit and I can't even hide it anymore. You might all think I'm nice but I don't, I think I'm awful. I hate me, I hate being me and I wish I was dead. I'm literally just like my mother. But I'm worse. I can't control my anger, I can't make friends, I hurt people around me. I might seem nice on the surface but once you get close you'll regret it. I regret letting anyone in, I just hurt everyone.
I wish I was never born
I lost most of my friends on here, I only really know a few of you guys now. I don't have friends IRL. The people that I do talk to all have better things to do than to spend time with me. I only communicate with people at my sports teams, we don't go out and have fun, we don't message about anything other than our sport. It's fucking boring and for having so many people I feel so fucking lonely and isolated. And no it's not the pandemic, it was worse when things were in person because then all I'd see was people meeting up and me being left out as per.
I hate my sports, I hate everything, I hate my life and I literally just want to die - although I should add a disclaimer to this, I'm not suicidal but I just feel like utter shit.
All I ever get is negative thoughts - social media is a shithole, all I ever see is people who want nothing to do with me. How can someone with thousands of "friends" be so fucking lonely. Surely someone cares about them?? Seemingly not.
I tried to heal broken friendships and they want nothing to do with me. It hurts like absolute shit.
Negative thoughts that fill my head - all I think about is memories of being taken into care, being bullied, being lonely, mistakes I've made, people I've hurt, people who have hurt me, my family dying, even my family that don't want me. I think of how my dad wants nothing to do with me and how I've never once lived or slept in the same house as my sister.
I always try to look on the bright side of life, I mean I'm successful on the surface - you look at me and there's nothing wrong. I'm a GB athlete. I'm at a world top 100 uni, I've got a stable and happy relationship, I've got my pets, I've got what looks like a supportive family and I've lived abroad. I'm on numerous committees and sports teams and I'm involved in some pretty cool projects.
But I just feel so empty.
Nobody gives a shit about me - my bfs mum posted a pic of the "family". It was basically all her blood related family. It hurts. It fucking burns. I'm supposed to be family but I'm not. I'm just her son's gf.
I'm nothing special. I'm just empty.
I want my life to get better, not physically but mentally. I want to feel happy and enjoy life.
Everything's just so boring. People genuinely wouldn't care if I died or went missing or dropped off a cliff. I really believe only a few people would care, and even then they'd get over it.
I'm a horrible, abusive piece of shit and I can't even hide it anymore. You might all think I'm nice but I don't, I think I'm awful. I hate me, I hate being me and I wish I was dead. I'm literally just like my mother. But I'm worse. I can't control my anger, I can't make friends, I hurt people around me. I might seem nice on the surface but once you get close you'll regret it. I regret letting anyone in, I just hurt everyone.
I wish I was never born
4
Comments
Please know that I don’t, and could never, think you are horrible or anything else. You’re going through a hard time, you’ve been through so much shit, that does not make you horrible. You’re struggling and that’s ok.
I’m only a message away if you need someone to talk to, sending so many hugs
It's hard to see otherwise tbh, I'm not sure how to get out of it. Everywhere I've went for help has really been a failure and it's just shit. I'm at an absolute loss of what to do. I know ultimately if I leave myself feeling like this it'll just get worse and worse but nowhere wants to help.
I haven't had actual mental health help since late 2018 so honestly don't know what to do. Self help doesn't help and NHS is a shit show.
I've not actually tried medication. It's never been offered to me - I was actually declined it previously as I wasn't deemed severe enough.
I feel like I've lost any sort of resilience that I had, I just can't be bothered with anything anymore
I know from what you’ve said that therapy hasn’t worked for you before, but I think it could be good for you to try it again, there are many places that you can access therapy. From your school, college or uni, (which ever you go to), there are also a lot of charities in that offer therapy for free, and you can always try the NHS again. It might also be worth reaching out to your coach at your sports club, I’m sure they care about you and would be able to help you out.
I am truly sorry that you’ve been feeling so negative about yourself. I know you feel like a bad person and that you deserve all this, but I am sure that you don’t. Feeling so negatively about yourself can make it even harder to feel like life is worth living. But you do deserve to live and you deserve to be happy, being depressed does not make you a bad person. Even if you do lash out at people it does not mean you are a bad person, you are in a bad situation and sometimes that means you lash out or say mean things, it is because you are also hurting. All you can do is apologise and explain the situation to them, I’m sure people close to you will understand.
I hope that you can get the help you need and that `you start to feel better.
I've got my bf and that's pretty much it. I don't have anyone else to go and see. I just want people to hang out with and spend time with
I've tried accessing therapy - I have been in and out since I was in primary school, I think about 9 or 10 years old max. That's 8/9 years worth of therapy and literally nothing. I saw my uni counselling services and was told that my trauma is too much for them to deal with as they can't offer ongoing support. The NHS have transferred me back and forth between different services and I was supposed to get a call back in January. I chased them up and was told they'd get to me and here I am still waiting. I'm not chasing them up yet again. It's draining and shit. It's not my job to make sure they're doing their job.
I tried reaching out to free charities that offer counselling and hit a brick wall each time. I remember finding one that specialises in trauma and I was told that unless I was POC then I was unable to see them. It was very demoralising tbh.
I'm gonna be totally honest I don't have any strong relationships with any of my coaches and don't know who I'd feel comfortable opening up to.
I know it must seem like I'm shitting down all of your suggestions, I promise I'm not. I'm so thankful for these suggestions, I just feel like I've tried everything and nothings ever working.
I really am a horrible person, I've physically hurt my partner, we've got into physical fights because of me and I'm just an arsehole. I don't deserve the oxygen that I breathe. I really don't. I know it's not my fault I feel like this but I don't have any right to hurt the people that I care about.
I'm working on it, I wanna get there
A lot has happened over the years, so its understandable there's a lot of negative thoughts floating around. It's okay to feel down even when things on the outside look great. These things can co-exist meaning just because you're not feeling good, it doesn't mean you haven't achieved a lot!
You mentioned you've tried a few support options in the past that didn't really work out, do you think revisiting your GP could help? In theory, they should have notes of things in the past meaning you shouldn't have to go through your story again, maybe just what's going on at the moment? I can hear how draining it is chasing for support and not being followed up time and time again but there's also a chance that by speaking to your GP, they can do the chasing for you. I wondered if there was anything in the past that did help, that maybe you could pick up again?
It really sucks to feel that no one would care if you weren't here, but do remember the whole community are here to support and listen. I know a lot of your friends no longer use The Mix but there are so many others here looking for new friends. It looks like you've got a great friend in @independent_ here too!
I can see you've posted a bit on other threads too - you're such a valued member of the our community and we do really care
Hopefully they can be of them of some use to you. Another alterative is going for private services, if you have the money. Private services wouldn’t have as long a waiting times and you would have more choice in what therapy you got, but they would be costly. It would be worth a try if you have the funds. @independent_ also mentioned meds which would could help. I think it would be good to book an appointment with a GP and tell them everything is going on, as they will be able to prescribe you meds and refer you to over services too.
I am sorry that you only have you bf and that you arent close to your coaches, but if there is one that you are closest too it might be worth mentioning that you haven’t been doing to great. You don’t have to tell them everything, but just letting them know might help widen your support network.
I can understand why you feel so negative about yourself, but the harder you are on yourself the harder it becomes to think positively about yourself and think positively about life. You may have done bad things, but that does not make you a wholely bad person who deserves to die. If you can recognise that you have done bad things then that is the start to changing! Fighting or abusing your partner is not good,, but you recognise that which is very good. Bad people do not think they are bad people. You are in a bad headspace and that means that you wont always be able to handle things well, and that’s okay! Finding healthy way to handle and express your emotions may help to decrease your fighting. It can be difficult to change especially when you feel so drained already, but I believe that you can do it!
https://www.verywellmind.com/managing-conflict-in-relationships-communication-tips-3144967 - this has some good advice on communication with partner
https://www.healthline.com/health/how-to-control-your-emotions#regulate good advice for emotion regulation.
I hope this is helpful. I can’t imagine that how hard things must be for you right now, but you are worthy of happiness and you will get there one day. I am so proud of you for reaching out after being rejected, it takes real courage to do that. Things will get better and so will you.
I feel like the fact you view yourself so negatively might influence the fact you don't have many friends, if you can sort that I'm sure you'll have a much easier time connecting with people
The mix only offers short term counselling unfortunately which wouldn't be suitable for me. I need someone that specialises in trauma and tbh it's hard to find.
Reading your post has resonated with me a lot and tbh, it's going to get harder before it gets easier.
I have been abusive and toxic towards the people I love, tbh, it's not easy healing with that aspect. As much as we tell ourselves that we're horrible people for hurting those around us, but there's a massive difference; horrible people don't feel guilt or remorse for their actions, they justify them. You came here and did one of the bravest things anyone could do; you admitted a part of yourself most people would be horrified to express. I'm gonna give you a big hug here:
It's understandable why you struggle to connect, and (easier said than done), please don't be so hard on yourself.
How are you doing?