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Essential support for under 25s
Essential support for under 25s
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To this young person, I’m really glad you felt you could tell someone. That’s such a huge thing to put into words.
The first thing I’d like to check on is your safety. If your Dad is physically abusive, please know that there are people who can help you feel safe. If you tell an adult that you trust then they should be able to contact support services in your area who can help put a safety plan in place. Is there anyone who you trust to help you? They don’t need to have all the information, they just need to be someone who you feel you can tell and then they can find the right information to help you. If you’re 18+, you can contact support services yourself or contact the police. The definition of ‘domestic abuse’ in England and Wales covers abuse in family relationships as well as romantic ones so the National Domestic Abuse Helpline on 0808 2000 247, should be able to send you in the right direction. To have got this far I know you will have already developed ways of coping and quite possibly ways of working out how to avoid your Dad at times he might become violent, so I just want to recognise that as well as say that there are people who’ll help if you’re in danger and that even if you’ve coped so far it’s OK for now to be the time you ask for help. I feel torn here because I just want you to be OK and not in this situation! No one should experience abuse. But there might be lots of reasons that leaving isn’t/ doesn’t feel like an option. In that case, I really hope you are safe and you hold on to the belief that you do not deserve this, it isn’t your fault and you are a valuable person who deserves respect.
Emotional abuse is just as damaging as physical abuse. One of the things I’ve found about working with survivors of emotional abuse is this sense of them having ‘lost themselves’ by the time they come for help because they have consistently been told they are stupid or useless or worthless. I want to stress that your Dad’s opinions or treatment of you are just that, his opinions and his behaviour. They are NOT an accurate comment on who you are. It might be really really hard if you have experienced lots of emotional abuse but I hope you can hold on to some part of yourself you know are special and valuable. I’ve used this before and it can help prompt some positive thoughts I you are used to being down on yourself. http://self-esteem-experts.com/support-files/tootyourhornworksheet.pdf
I know there will be things about you which are wonderful and uniquely you. I hope you can find people and places which celebrate those part of you.
@Millie2787 Thanks for getting this question in!
This sounds rubbish. I’m really sorry to hear a group that you’d hope would be somewhere you’d feel welcome and supported is somewhere you feel blamed for something.
I’m not disagreeing but I’m curious when you say he ‘makes you feel like it’s your fault’. You’ve said he’s avoiding you and maybe that is because he’s trying to make you feel bad. But it might also be that he feels bad for breaking up with you and doesn’t want to have to confront that, or that he knows you are still due to have a conversation he is nervous about and is trying to avoid it.
You could still have that conversation if you wanted to and be direct in asking for it. If you or he don’t want to go into everything about the break up you could address what feels like the problem now, which sounds like it’s you feeling awkward at young carers. I’ve written that like it would be easy breezy, but that could be a really tricky conversation to have! I wonder if there is someone like a group leader at young carers who you could have a practise go with, to role play it. Or if you could talk through on The Mix what you’d like to say and how you might say it.
If you don’t want to bring it up, you could just keep going. Sometimes things are awkward and that’s OK – it sounds like you have been handling it. If he does have a problem with you, one way to think of that is that it’s his problem and you can still enjoy the company of others at the group.
‘I have autism and it sometimes feels like that is the reason for my dad not wanting to have a relationship with me’
‘I feel like a problem to my family.’
‘I feel like a burden to my family and that I just seem to always be a problem’
‘My dad thinks of me as a problem due to my autism. My grandparents think of me as a problem because of my dad.’
Both your question about your Dad and your grandparents are well thought-through, detailed, responsible questions about how you can change the behaviour of adults in your life. You’ve also mentioned being a ‘problem’ or a ‘burden’ a number of times. I might be wrong but that gives me the impression you feel like you have to fix the behaviour of adults around you, because deep down you believe you are the problem. Although we can absolutely reach out to people and make requests of people, or we can act in ways that might make certain outcomes more or less likely, we can’t be responsible for other people’s behaviour. That feels like a huge weight to be carrying, if that is even a little bit of how you’re feeling.
If your parents argue or if your Mum gets upset with your Dad or if your Grandma avoids your Mum, that’s not your fault. There might be problems in your family but that doesn’t mean you ARE a problem. I know I’ve only read a few posts from you but you seem thoughtful and kind and a good person to have around to me, not a problem at all.
Every question has been well thought out and I think shows a group who are able to reflect on relationships and emotions, which is an amazing skill. I've found that with every single question I've wanted to be able to have a conversation with whoever asked it.
It would be a real gift if any of you wanted to bring that insight and sensitivity to the Your Best Friend project, where we're looking at how friends can support others in unhealthy or toxic relationships. If anyone is interested, if you drop @Aife a message she can get in touch with me after today.
Thanks again
Hi @Dancer
I don't have a diagnosis of autism but I highly suspect I am autistic (I also have friends and relatives with an autism diagnosis) and I have researched autism a bit.
I think it's understandable that you would feel worried about the future when you struggle to form relationships with others. But it is entirely possible to be autistic and have good relationships with others.
Like people who aren't autistic, you may find it easier to develop relationships with others when you have something in common with them- for example, a particular hobby or interest. It can also help to ensure that when you are talking or socialising with others, that it's in an environment that is best for you. For example, choosing a quiet cafe to meet up in rather than a busy and loud bar (if you struggle with sensory processing difficulties).
Some autistic people find it easier to get along with other autistic or neurodivergent people (though this isn't necessarily true for all autistic people) because they may feel like they can be themselves more. If you haven't already, you might want to read up on autistic 'masking'. This tends to happen around non-autistic people where, as an autistic person, you try to 'fit in' with those around you which can involve taking on other people's interests, preparing for conversations, learning social skills/reading up on body language, mimicking what other people say, do or wear etc., all in an effort to be like those around you and not stand out (more so if you are hiding what you really want to say/wear/do and instead going along with things that you don't really want to do). This can help with forming relationships BUT there is a downside in that you aren't being true to yourself (and this can catch up with you in the long term). Masking might be good for when you want to get along with co-workers or acquaintances, but for deeper friendships/relationships, it may not be the best option. You might find that you can 'mask' at the start, when you are getting to know someone, and if they show that they can be trusted, you can start to 'unmask' (be more yourself) in order for the other person to see the real you, which can help to deepen your relationship. From my own personal experiences, my closest relationships are with those who I can be myself around.
However, it does also depend on the other person. Some people may not understand autism or have the wrong idea about what autism is. Ideally, for your close relationships, the other person should have an understanding of autism, or if not, then they should be willing to learn about what your autism means to you. While it can help to compromise at times and do things that might be a little out of your comfort zone, the other person should also respect what's in your best interests.
Hope this helps a bit!