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trigger warning - eating

i’ve had a difficult relationship with food for about two years, up and down with how okay i am. recently i’ve been limiting a lot and i was counting calories and tracking my food on my phone for a while but i managed to stop, though the numbers are still in my head. i’ve also been exercising a lot to burn off food. i feel guilty and disgusting when i eat, sometimes to the point of feeling sick. i just want to be skinnier. the only person who really knows what’s going on at the moment is my boyfriend and he’s a bit concerned. when i tell him things i try to make it sound okay and not disordered. logically i know what i’m doing is unhealthy and i have a problem but it feels safe. it’s a way of coping with all the mess in my head and it’s something i can actually have control of. sometimes when i get thoughts about hurting myself instead i’ll exercise or not eat as much as maybe i would have done without the thoughts.


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