trigger warning - eating

itsquietuptown

i’ve had a difficult relationship with food for about two years, up and down with how okay i am. recently i’ve been limiting a lot and i was counting calories and tracking my food on my phone for a while but i managed to stop, though the numbers are still in my head. i’ve also been exercising a lot to burn off food. i feel guilty and disgusting when i eat, sometimes to the point of feeling sick. i just want to be skinnier. the only person who really knows what’s going on at the moment is my boyfriend and he’s a bit concerned. when i tell him things i try to make it sound okay and not disordered. logically i know what i’m doing is unhealthy and i have a problem but it feels safe. it’s a way of coping with all the mess in my head and it’s something i can actually have control of. sometimes when i get thoughts about hurting myself instead i’ll exercise or not eat as much as maybe i would have done without the thoughts.

Shaunie

Heyy

i empathise with this and i have anorexia. It can be really hard to fight off the thoughts & sometimes you probably dont even want to because it may feel better than the alternative/feeling really guilty/ harming self. And for me sometimes its just back or white like you either eat a lot or dont eat barely at all. Or you either eat not much and suffer or you eat, be fat and suffer. Always choose the one without being fat. It its not true cause its not that black or white. Cause im just always like 'yeah i dont wanna be fat if i start eating, what if i cant stop, yeah better restrict'. But there is ways to cope, feel in control of other aspects of your life, ways to find a better way to feel better about food and to not feel guilty for anything you eat. And to be able to eat without getting massive. And listening to that vioce telling you not to eat but being like - i will - is a way of taking control. When you dont - youre not in control- your eating disorder is. It feels like control but its not. Its true that we can control what we eat but whos to say that needs to be a little amount you can still control the fact you just ate dinner or what not.
Thinking about food 24 /7, thinking about the next time you will eat or the next you will burn all those calories you ate, and other things im thinking that may be triggering. And other than improving your math skills there is no benefit just controls Nearly every thought and isocolates you. Its a harsh reality that can be hard to accept/ see when youre in the middle of it and thinking that restricting is helping. I wish i could hear this too but i know its not that easy. I like to see this perspective of it thought. 

Sorry i don’t know if that made any sense ha. Hope you fee better soon

Han93

Hey @itsquietuptown

I just wanted to pop on and link to some advice pages that you might find useful: 
https://www.mind.org.uk/information-support/types-of-mental-health-problems/eating-problems/recovery-self-care/#.Xdu_CW52tPY

We have some on The Mix too:
https://www.themix.org.uk/your-body/fitness-and-diet/expert-chat-healthy-eating-19523.html
https://www.themix.org.uk/mental-health/eating-disorders/expert-chat-with-beat-eating-disorders-11544.html
https://www.themix.org.uk/mental-health/eating-disorders/expert-chat-more-about-eating-disorders-13828.html
https://www.themix.org.uk/mental-health/eating-disorders/do-i-have-an-eating-disorder-5878.html
https://www.themix.org.uk/mental-health/eating-disorders/how-can-i-stop-an-eating-disorder-relapse-18408.html

itsquietuptown said:

recently i’ve been limiting a lot and i was counting calories and tracking my food on my phone for a while but i managed to stop, though the numbers are still in my head.

I also just want to say how amazing this is ^^ it might not feel like it but the fact that you've managed to stop tracking your food on your phone is a massive achievement which you should be proud of