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Numb and utterly lost.

_kxtyb_kxtyb Posts: 3 Newbie
edited June 2019 in Health & Wellbeing
Hi,
I’m Katy and I’m only 13. For a couple months now I’ve been struggling with self harm. During this past week alone I have self-harmed a lot and that’s the worst I have ever done. When I first started, I would cry when I self-harm even though it was my only release that worked. Now though, I feel so numb and no matter what I just can’t cry.
At school, I’m always being asked about my self-harm and scars so I have lied so much, All the lies are so hard to keep up with and I’m petrified someone is going to break my cover at some point. The only person who knows about my self-harm is my best friend but where she’s quite naive, she doesn’t try to support me as she doesn’t know the fatality, almost. The worst is when I’m in games and it’s too hot to cover up my self-harm so it is on show. It makes me so anxious. I’m just generally scared I’m going to break down at some point. 
My parents don’t know I self-harm despite having seen various scars. They believe my lies as well. I don’t even think they’d think for a minute I would be self-harming. This is why I don’t know how to tell them. I feel my mum, especially, wouldn’t understand the emotional and mental side to it. She’s so stuck in her ways and isn’t really open to that sort of thing. It’s getting harder to hide from them though as the summer is approaching. I am a warm person so wearing clothes to cover up isn’t really an option; it’s not even like I’m ashamed of my self-harm and scars.. I just don’t want anyone to know, I guess. 
I find it strange as lately I’ve been having such drastic, random mood changes, just all the time. I could be happily hanging with my friends but then if they leave I’ll feel abandoned, alone and think they don’t like me anymore. Sometimes, I’ll feel like that firstly and then I will become really happy in no time flat. These mood swings and feelings that I’m alone seem like they are tearing apart my relationships with people, where I can turn unnecessarily moody with what is like no explanation. 
I say that I’m self-harming because I’m fighting so hard to stay alive, not because I want to die. But, nowadays I keep getting suicidal thoughts and I like fantasise about what it’d be like to kill myself. I wonder how I’d do it and think how much happier everyone would be without the burden of a person I am. The numbness inside me is taking over and controlling my mind to think or do things I never imagined I would. I know everyone’s there but I feel secluded, even when I’m in the midst of it all, carrying on with life. I simply don’t know what to do or feel anymore. That’s what I, trying to say.  :'(

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    Kathleen07Kathleen07 Posts: 1,938 Extreme Poster
    Hey @_kxtyb

    Welcome to the community, I'm so sorry to hear what you're going through. I can really how much you're hurting. I'm glad you're reaching out on here, we're here to support you <3

    It sounds like you're struggling with self-harm. I just wondered if this is something you want to stop? If so, here's a few coping techniques that can help some people with doing that:
    • Draw a butterfly where you want to harm, name it, choose something precious it represents (just generally customise it lol). So when you feel like harming, you won't want to harm the butterfly.
    • Draw on your skin as a form of release.
    • Use a rubber band to cause pain, but without injury.
    Here's a link to a longer list of advice, in case it helps :)

    Your mood swings sound like they're affecting you a lot. Do you know of anything that may be causing or aggravating these, such as sleep deprivation? Or does it feel more random or serious?

    I can definitely relate on fantasising about suicide. For what it's worth, nobody would be happier at all without you. You're not a burden. I don't know you, but I bet you're awesome, and I know for a fact that you are and would be loved by so many people.

    You say you feel numb - would you like to say some more on what that feels like? For example, maybe you feel detached, or empty and disinterested?

    Keep fighting lovely, there are ways out of how you're feeling <3
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    SienaSiena Posts: 15,500 Skive's The Limit
    edited June 2019
    Hey Katy

    welcome!

    thank you for sharing and appriecate your honesty. Can empathsis how hard it can be to seek support sometimes as well as feeling suicidal So its great you have came here. 

    You seem really thoughtful and aware of your thoughts and actions which is great. Youre doing well to fight against suicidal thoughts

    I am glad youre not self harming to end your life. I guess the first part is being clear on knowing wheather you want to stop or not. Youre in control. We could help to explore alternatives with you if thats something youd find helpful since sounds like dont feel comfortable with it. Alternatively if self harm is something thats helping you & dont want to stop then thats also your chioce :)

    What do you think would help?
    are you recieving any support for any of this? 
    “And when they look at you, they won't see everything you've been through. They won't see the **** that turned to scars that began to fade with time. They won't see the heartbreaking things that shook up and changed your entire world. They won't know how many tears you cried or even what it was you were crying about. They won't see how strong you had to be because you had no other choice. What they will see though is how compassionate you are because you experienced pain. What they will see is how kind you are because you experienced how cruel the world is. What they will see is how good you are because you've seen how bad things or people can be. The difference between you and your experiences are who you choose to be, despite everything that could have turned you cold and unkind.You are the good the world needs and the best of us.” ~ Kirsten Corley
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    AzzimanAzziman Moderator, Community Champion Posts: 1,858 Extreme Poster
    Welcome!x
    FAQ | How to report a post | How to report spam
    I'm a community moderator. I'm here to help guide discussions and make sure Community Guidelines are followed. I can't send DMs, but you can message @TheMix or email community@themix.org.uk with questions or concerns.
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    coc0maccoc0mac Posts: 1,054 Wise Owl
    edited June 2019
    Hi @_kxtyb

    Firstly I just wanted to say well done for sharing this. Speaking about our feelings and self harm can  feel like a really difficult thing to do, however it is always a really positive step towards getting the help you deserve. You have shown a lot of strength already and that is something to be really proud of :heart:

    It sounds like you are going through a really difficult time at the moment, however I want you to know things really do get better - and there are lots of things we can do to support ourselves.
    Firstly, there are lots of coping techniques that can be really useful in coping with self harm. Sometimes we have to try a few different techniques until we find what works best for us and that is completely okay. There is a really good article with lots of techniques here - perhaps you could have a read through and let us know what you think?

    It seems like you are finding mood swings difficult to cope with at the moment. It's really positive that you are able to identify that these are happening, and it may be that exploring the cause of these mood swings will be a great way to reduce them. One thing you could try is keeping a mood journal. You could track how you are feeling, what you have done that day, what is on your mind etc and see if you can find any patterns. How would you feel about this?

    You also mentioned suicidal fantasies, which again you have shown so much strength to share this with us - well done. I really understand it may be difficult to believe at times, but you are so important, you are not a burden, and you really do deserve to feel safe and supported. I can really hear that you don't feel comfortable talking about such feelings with your parents, especially as you feel your mum wouldn't understand. We have some really helpful advice pages here, which you can filter to self harm and suicidal thoughts. I am just wondering how you would feel about sitting down with your mum and reading through them together to help her understand the ways you are feeling? In the meantime, always remember that The Mix are here to listen. If you ever feel you are struggling to keep yourself safe, you can always contact the crisis messenger. 

    You really do deserve to feel safe and supported. Take good care :heart:

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    _kxtyb_kxtyb Posts: 3 Newbie
    @kathleen0172 Hey. I really appreciate your reply. It's kind of bad but in way I almost don't want to stop. But, in another way, I really do. I guess, I just can't bare the thought of not having that release I get. The butterfly project has worked for me before so I think I'll try it again. I want to give having a rubber band a go as well. Thanks for the suggestion. (: 

    To be honest, I don't know what's causing my mood swings. They sort of just seem to happen. You could say they're random, I guess but I wouldn't say for sure.

    When I say I feel numb, it's loike this pitful feeling inside where sometimes I wish I could cry but others I find myself just starring into space. It's an empty feeling also that leaves me feeling worthless, bringing the worst of thoughts to my mind. It's like I want to shout and release all my emotions but instead it comes out like a silent scream instead. Sometimes I can be in a massive group of friends however it's like I'm a million miles away; detached from them all. It doesn't help that sometimes I'll leave to go do something and none of them will have wondered where I went. 
    Thank you for helping by the way. (:  <3
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    _kxtyb_kxtyb Posts: 3 Newbie
    Hiya @coc0mac. I read through the list of coping techniques and I think it'll be really helpful. Hopfully, one of them will stop me self harming one day. (:
    I like the idea of keeping a mood journal. I find a lot of the time I feel all these various emotions but I have not the foggiest of why I'm feeling them. Using this, I may be able to delve beneath them and understand more, I guess. 
    The adive pages seem useful. Thank you for saying I could sit down with my mum and read through them together to helpher understand my feelings. That's a rreally good idea that maybe some day I'll have the courage to do.
    Thank you so much for the advice, I'm really thankful. <3  
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    Butterfly23Butterfly23 Posts: 810 Part of The Mix Family
    Sending you all the love and support that I have! I understand how hard self harm can be to cope with and overcome 💗

    I just thought that I’d list a few distractions that help me incase you would like to try any of them:

    -Call a helpline
    -Draw or Henna on the area where I want to harm 
    -Do something productive/something that makes me feel good
    -Exercise (dance like no one is watching)
    -Colour or do another creative task that requires concentration
    -Move away from any instruments that you use
    -Relax with a cup of tea and some chocolate
    -Comfort yourselves using a fluffy blanket or cuddly toys
    -Scream, punch a pillow, twang an elastic band on your wrist or hold an ice cube
    -Go out and see a friend or stay within the company of others 
    -Self care that you enjoy could be bubble baths or something simple like taking time to yourself 
    -Watch something interesting or distracting

    Feel free to keep us updated on your journey and welcome! 💗

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