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I'm back

Hi guys/ girls/ whoever happens to be reading this message. It's been about 6 months since I was last on this platform or even made a post. I guess that's a good thing? Anyway this post isn't so much a it has gotten worse thing. It's more a came to me after a while.

So here's where I'm at right now in life. I started taekwondo and am currently a yellow tag. It's only the second belt but I still pretty proud.  The kicks and stretching is pretty hard but I'm still ready to go every week even though it hurts😅 I like going. I gives me a sense of progression in life. The instructors are super nice, encouraging and make the lessons fun even though it's a lot of physical pay. But good pain. The type that gym people talk about when they say a natural high. I know. I thought they were joking too🤣

I've made a load of new friends but not it the way you would think. They're my penpals. Yeah I know what some of you are thinking. B7t I've checked them all out. They're all real and seem genuinely interested in me which is nice. I'm as about as close to them as I am with people in real life. Though they're great, it's still missing something you know? That physical contact, hearing their laugh, messing about with eachother. All the stuff friends do in real life. I can't believe I'm saying this but I'm confident that I'll get there with some people some day.

As some of you may remember from my previous posts, the main cause of my depression was me leaving my school and my friends. So I de ider to do something about it. I thought about it and I realised another part of it was that I'll always feel as if my a level was incomplete after leaving after a year. So I signed up to a 1 year intensive course at the sixth form next to my college. And surprisingly it's gk8ng quite well. The maths seems to flow a bit better than it did at my old school. 

Also recently, an bit thing for me. I'm happy most of the time. That's h7ge. Like there was a point where I was legit thinking I'll never be happy again.  But one night I was lying in bed, deep in one of those dark times, and I was thinking 'because of what happened to me a year ago.....' then I realised I really started the sentence with A YEAR AGO. I barely remember what I have for breakfast most days and it's usually one of three things🤣🤣 since then I've been feeling a lot better and living in the moment. Even whilst writing this I'm laughing and smiling a little bit. Around twenty minutes ago, it just came to me that I should do this. I really couldn't wait to get it out.

Now for some slightly less enthusiac news. I stomped talk8ng to 80% of my penpals. Now calm down. Noth8ng bad happened. Most of them are super busy with exams and stuff so I thought I'd leave them to that. Also, I wanted to test my new found happiness a bit. When I talked to them, I was happy. And whenever one of us would go to sleep which was usually the case cause of time zones, I'd be upset all over again.  So I wanted to find my happiness outside of them. If that makes any sense. At first I thought that meant making friends in real life. But it's been a could of weeks now and I've realised that I can be happy by myself living in the moment, not so dependent of other people. I know that looks and sounds kinda off, but I can't help but say it's true. I'm just interacting with people in my different classes more and that makes me happy to be there 😅 maybe one day hopefully soon I'll become close friends with someone but until then I'm happen right now and I'm Ok not even thinking about being sad later😝 which is new for me. A way I could describe the physical healing is that I feel more whole that I did before and thinking about the past doesn't hurt as much.

Thanks for reading if you made it this far but I go it go. I promise I'll be back soon to talk about more. I definitely want to put more stuff down. But for now,  byee

Oh and .p.ss
My love for waffles is still unwavering😊


  • ShaunieShaunie England 🏠Posts: 9,462 Supreme Poster
    Heyy :). Welcome back

    is nice to hear from you again. 

    And is lovely to read. I am happy that you feel youre doing much better.

    Tho i do understand that natural feeling of wanting human connection too. Do you have any friends at teakwondo?

    Its sounds like you have made some sort of self discovery? Which i think is great. They do say “‘You will never have a meaningful relationship with anyone else unless you have that with yourself.”. (Actually just quoting what Noel Edmonds said on Im A Celeb program lol -just watched it ha). So i think is good to be independant. As sometimes we can rely too much on other people - in some ways - for things like to help with ourself self worth which can feel more horrible when we are alone so good to be independent And to be happy with our own company aswell, to some extent. :)

    if you have the strength to sustain anorexia you have the strength to overcome it
  • CarolineVCarolineV Posts: 133 Boards Initiate
    Hiya, and welcome back!

    It's great to see you posting again, and especially to hear how well things are going for you at college, and with taekwondo, that's awesome! 

    It's also fab that you feel happy now, it sounds like that was a bit of a revelation to you? It's really positive that you're able to recognise those feelings too, and hopefully they continue for you! It's lovely to hear you describe it as "feeling whole again", reading that actually made me smile too!

    Feel free to tell us about the other things you wanted to talk about, we're always here to listen

    Ps. I want a waffle now!
  • AzzimanAzziman The Mix convert Posts: 754 Part of The Mix Family
    Hey - welcome back!x

    Much love <3
  • MochanMochan Posts: 65 The answer to life, the universe, and everything
    @BenSarsah Welcome back! It is really great to see you back on the forum and posting your update. It sounds as though you have been very active in changing your life for the better which is lovely to read. It's really brave to be so honest about your experiences which can really help others to feel hopeful too. I look forward to hearing more from you soon.
  • Lucy307Lucy307 UKPosts: 765 Part of The Mix Family
    Hey @BenSarsah welcome back, it was lovely to read such an uplifting post, very inspiring for others that may be going through the darker times you described experiencing. Thank you for sharing, please keep doing so! :smile:<3
    Treat yourself as you would treat a good friend
  • LaineLaine Llama Mama Posts: 1,959 Extreme Poster
    Hey there! 

    And a big ol welcome back!  That was such a a positive and as Lucy said uplifting post to read, so glad things are looking up :) xo

    🌈Positive thoughts🌈

    "What's gonna be left of the world if you're not in it?" ~ Bastille

    "Here's to the ones that we got
    Cheers to the wish you were here, but you're not" ~ Maroon 5

    Avatar credit: •Toaster-a• 
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