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ShaunieShaunie England 🏠Posts: 8,182 Extreme Poster
I want to die. I honestly have had enough. I've tried and tried to get better. I feel like falling to the floor and crying and just staying there til I'm old and die.
I dont fit anywhere, in any social group. And I wasn't meant to be born. I've lost all friends and no one could give a shit.
None of this matters and nothing is real. There's no purpose for anything. It's like some twisted sick game. Of a world put with suffering and see if we can survive.
It physically hurts. And i can't take it. Like why. I dont know what to do anymore or where to start. Or where to pick my life up from. It's just such a mess.
Yeah I'm only 18 doesn't mean I have happy years ahead and it doesn't stop the fact i could never get better or 'cured' from depression.
Just needed to get it out
All I'm seeing to do is think of suicide and just picturing how I would do it
I am safe and sorry if it's triggering
IM struggling
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Comments

  • CharlotteCharlotte Posts: 229 The Mix convert
    Sound like your going through a really hard time at the moment. Do you have any support with what you are going through at this moment?

    Harriet
  • ShaunieShaunie England 🏠Posts: 8,182 Extreme Poster
    Thanks for replying Harriet.
    I do have support offered but I dont really want it. I can't be bothered with all the dissapiomemnt.

    I'm not sure if this goes against thr rules so please delete if so. It's not really about suicide so not sure.
    I feel like doing nothing and i just want to stab myself in the stomach so i can't eat and just want to cut all my fat off. I can't take it. I feel disgusting, overweight and all i can see and feel is fat
    IM struggling
  • ShaunieShaunie England 🏠Posts: 8,182 Extreme Poster
    I'm so fed up and done with everything. Didn't realise how low the lows could get.
    IM struggling
  • CharlotteCharlotte Posts: 229 The Mix convert
    i understand you must be going through a lot at the moment what support have you been offered at the moment and what dissapoiment have you got? Just trying to understand your situation.

    Harriet
  • LostsenseLostsense Posts: 1,331 Fanatical Poster
    Hey Shaunie

    I have thoughts like that too but often people who say this are not fat at all. It would be something very dangerous to do. Maybe think of a healthier option such as joining a gym or swimming?xx
  • ShaunieShaunie England 🏠Posts: 8,182 Extreme Poster
    Was offered 9 months of treatment of like therapy and group therapy. And the disappointment is that I already had therapy for my eating but it hasn't helped. Which i thought it was going to. And now that it hasn't im just so angry and frustrated I still feel the way I do.

    And thank you lost sense
    You're right it was dangerous. I'm so lazy, I hate exercise even if it does mean losing weight and i can't swim ah 😂xx
    IM struggling
  • ShaunieShaunie England 🏠Posts: 8,182 Extreme Poster
    And now I can't sleep. Great.
    IM struggling
  • micamica Moderator Posts: 98
    Hey Shaunie,

    It sounds like you were having a really low night last night. I'm sure you know this, but it can often take several rounds of treatment to really recover from eating issues, so perhaps it's too harsh for you to expect yourself to be better after one round? How are you getting on today?

    Hoping today will be a better day *hug*

    - Mica
  • ShaunieShaunie England 🏠Posts: 8,182 Extreme Poster
    Thank you for your reply. I'm doing a bit better today. I'm just really scared for my appointment at half 2 about discharge from services.
    It's going to be really hard with two years of support to suddenly nothing
    IM struggling
  • ShaunieShaunie England 🏠Posts: 8,182 Extreme Poster
    Now I feel like shit again.
    I just keep uncontrollably crying and shaking. I dont know what im doing with my life. I cant stay on a bus without my mind racing and end up getting a stop of early cause I start crying.
    I go from never being able to cry and feeling numb to the only thing i do.
    I gave life a chance and put on hold suicide. But I think it's been long enough now and I really can't go on.
    Who am i kiding that i will be able to help others when I'm so extremely shy and a mess. I can help people by lifting weight and my trouble of off them. There's no purpose for me now. And I thought my family cared they only showed they cared in hospital. That kept me going now but what's the point. There isnt.
    IM struggling
  • CharlotteCharlotte Posts: 229 The Mix convert
    There is a point, sounds like your really struggling, do you think in this meeting you could actually ask for some support as you are really hard. I am here if you need me.
    Harriet
  • micamica Moderator Posts: 98
    Hey Shaunie,

    Sorry to hear you’re not feeling great again. It’s really great that you came back to this thread to get some support J. I think a lot of people on the boards can relate to your feelings of numbness, and maybe even the feeling of crying so much. Although it’s frustrating to cry so much, maybe it’s what your body really needs. I often feel some emotional release after a good cry. That said, perhaps consider some breathing and grounding techniques to help yourself calm down. If you happen to have a pet, I find it helpful to watch them breathe and then breathe with them. Or put some soothing music on and try to focus that.

    It sounds like you’re pretty nervous about being discharged. Is it possible for you to be honest with your team and make them aware of how you’re still needing support? I know you’ve mentioned in the past that you don’t want support, so perhaps you can write it down beforehand to make sure you mention it—or even print this thread so you don’t have to explain it all again (I realise that might be an extra scary option, but it’s just a thought).

    Since the boards aren’t really set up for crisis support, if you find yourself in a really unsafe headspace, you might consider getting in touch with Samaritans or Papyrus.

    It’s totally understandable that you’re feeling so poorly considering everything you’re going through. We care for you and are here for you! Best of luck at your appointment.

    Mica
  • ShaunieShaunie England 🏠Posts: 8,182 Extreme Poster
    Thank you both.
    I spent the whole meeting crying to the point I couldnt breath properly. I dont know what to do now. I domt want to go home and live my life. I just want to end it.
    IM struggling
  • ShaunieShaunie England 🏠Posts: 8,182 Extreme Poster
    And got 're diagnosis of emotionally unstable personality disorder. Basically my personality is weak and i can't cope
    IM struggling
  • ShaunieShaunie England 🏠Posts: 8,182 Extreme Poster
    Oh just searched it on the internet and means the same thing as bpd 😂god there shit at explaining diagnosis
    IM struggling
  • ShaunieShaunie England 🏠Posts: 8,182 Extreme Poster
    I dont feel safe atm and i know this isn't for crisises but innate phone calls. What do I do. I'm really scared of myself.
    I have just stayed on the bus and dontnkno where it's going.but I'm guessing all the way round. What do i do. I'm so upset and sad and can't think straight.
    Thanks
    IM struggling
  • CharlotteCharlotte Posts: 229 The Mix convert
    You really need to get some support are you able to phone someone. You can phone 999 if you are in crisis. They are going to help you we need you to try and stay safe.
  • ShaunieShaunie England 🏠Posts: 8,182 Extreme Poster
    I feel like if get off the bus and away from peoplem I wont be safe so I dont know what to do. I can't stay on it forever.
    I want to stay safe but I'm so upset and dont see any other way.
    I dont kmow if you can go to hospital if you physically fine but jist suicidal or they would just look and laugh at me . But im so scared
    IM struggling
  • CharlotteCharlotte Posts: 229 The Mix convert
    You can go to hospital. Do you think you could go to hospital.
  • ShaunieShaunie England 🏠Posts: 8,182 Extreme Poster
    Thanks for your help Harriet. I am safe for now
    IM struggling
  • LostsenseLostsense Posts: 1,331 Fanatical Poster
    Are you around people? If that is what makes you feel safe. We all want you be safe
  • CharlotteCharlotte Posts: 229 The Mix convert
    No problem always here for you glad to here your safe
  • ShaunieShaunie England 🏠Posts: 8,182 Extreme Poster
    Thank you both. Been a bit dramatic day but I was helped out by a very lovely stranger. Who found me in in a dangerous place, mentally and physically. And now at home and feel safe and to exhausted and tired to even feel that upset right now.
    IM struggling
  • CharlotteCharlotte Posts: 229 The Mix convert
    Glad that you found someone that could help you and are safe. Here if you need me
  • ShaunieShaunie England 🏠Posts: 8,182 Extreme Poster
    Harriet wrote: »
    Glad that you found someone that could help you and are safe. Here if you need me

    Thank you x


    I haven't been completely discharged from services. They gave me an appointment with personality disorder service in case i change my mind.
    But I was discharged from the ones who referred me - mental health team. And i hate hate goodbyes and being discharged. I hated with CAMHS, with NSPCC, intensive support team, crisis team and even in hospital. I hate building relationships with people to then be referred to someone else.
    Now ive for discharged from mental health team. And soon will be discharged from eating disorders. I was to upset and could barely breath yesterday so I didn't really have the time to say thank you properly. Now I'm feeling really guilty about it. And i know i will til I do say it. I want to ring in just to say thank you but i don't want her to pick up the phone and think "thought I got rid of you" but it will ease my mind. So im not sure what to do. I hate guilt
    IM struggling
  • CharlotteCharlotte Posts: 229 The Mix convert
    She won't think that you should give her a ring and say thank you and bye she will like that. It will also help you.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Emotionally unstable personality disorder is the World Health Organisation's name for what is similar to the American Psychiatric Association's borderline personality disorder. Staff should explain that to patients, because most people don't know that.
  • ShaunieShaunie England 🏠Posts: 8,182 Extreme Poster
    I rang in but don't think she's in so they sent her an email to ring me back.

    So it's not the exact same thing?
    IM struggling
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    The criteria are different, but it's basically the same condition. The large majority of people who fit the criteria of BPD also fit the criteria of EUPD and vice versa. Some mental health professionals use the APA's manual, the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders (DSM) and others use the WHO's manual, the International Statistical Classification of Diseases and Related Health Problems (ICD).

    The EUPD criteria are listed on Wikipedia's page http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Borderl...ality_disorder it is split into two types, impulsive and borderline.

    Here are the BPD criteria: https://bpdfamily.com/content/border...ality-disorder

    Whichever manual is used, most people who have personality disorders also have other mental disorders. Many have more than one personality disorder. That makes things more complicated and treatment more difficult.

    Theodore Million, a psychologist who specialised in personality disorders, said that they have subtypes. For BPD they are: discouraged, petulant, impulsive and self-destructive.
  • CharlotteCharlotte Posts: 229 The Mix convert
    Pleased you tried to ring in I hope she gets back to you how are you feeling about it
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