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Surreal - coming to terms with the past



  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Buddy wrote: »
    I'm so angry at myself I'm so fucking stupid to be in this fucking situation.

    You didn't know that this was going to happen. There are risks in everything we do every day and every now and then we come off with a crap end of a deal rather than a positive. But that's life. It sounds like the part of you which you said was a control freak is really taking over at the minute, it might be a good idea to go to your doctor and stress how much it's effecting you to be thinking in this way. It's not healthy to be stockpiling all your fear and stress over time as it's only going to make things worse. A bit like a fizzy pop bottle all shaken up then eventually you open the lid and it explodes everywhere... Like Jo said you really need some support and it might help you some more if you can reach out to a person in Real Life such as a doctor or a counsellor. They can help you manage your emotions such as anger and panic.

    HIV these days all though not 100% cureable, many people with it carry long and normal lives with the help of medication and regular check ups and that's nothing to be ashamed of. An illness is and illness whether it be a mental health disorder, the flu or sexually transmitted. The only problem is the taboo around it. But it's just an illness like any other sort of illness and these days it is less life threatening in western countries than it is in third world countries where it is left untreated and gets worse.

    Try to be gentle on yourself, this is not something you could have predicted no one predicts when they are going to fall ill. Life isn't always going to be something you are able to control. No one can control how their body deals with an illness, we can only aid it with medicines to get it back as close as we can to the way we want it to be. Falling ill with anything doesn't impact your self quality as a good parent and it's natural you are feeling angry at your boyfriend.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    This doesn't really have anything to do with my boyfriend, we had spoken a lot about a sexual realtionship but I wouldn't go down that route until we both had sexual health checks , it's nothing to do with him and there is no way l can tell him that I'm HIV positive .
    I just need to end the realtionship.
    He deserves so much more than l can ever offer him.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Not sure how much more l can do this for, no amount of alcohol is making me switch off or enabling me to sleep, my mind just won't switch off.
    I keep thinking hiding like this can't continue , I do need to start thinking about facing people, but that scares me too much. All I've ever wanted to do is make my parents proud has I'm there only child, I've worked so hard to build a good career, then Josh came along and my parents dote on him he's so special to them , I've managed to build the bridges with them with regards to Josh and have shown them ld do anything no matter how difficult to show my love to him , and it was all finally paying off l was finally able to start thinking about us has a family unit instead of just me and Josh ,l have never wanted to be a single mum that wasn't how it was supposed to be .
    I guess now that's how it's got to be, my parents will be devastated by my news . I'm so scared to say the words , how do I tell them ?
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Well my worries about my parents were uncalled for , they are upset but are being supportive . Parents are resiliant !!
    My fear as turned to anger has l have so many unanswered questions , I've got an appointment this evening to try an find some answer's . I want to know why this was never picked up on when l was expecting Josh. Has I've not had a realtionship with anyone since then.
    I also am considering going back to St Marys and seeing if they will help with contacting the police with me , has I feel that l should perhaps do something about this whole situation , has previously I had decided that it was done and l couldn't change any of it so there was no point going down the legal route , maybe this is just down to anger and frustration and l may change my mind once I've calmed down again.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    I also wanted to say Thankyou once again for all the support that this site offers. You should all be very proud of yourselves for taking the time to care about others, the world would be a much better place if everyone were to take the same stand as these boards .

    Many Thanks x
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Hi Buddy,

    It sounds like you've had a really rough few days. Alcohol is common way to escape and ease difficult feelings but as you say, it's not a long term solution and it's likely to disrupt your sleep rather than help it. In fact, taking a day to be kind to yourself, show yourself some compassion and look after your body could in turn help you to think a little more clearly - do you think you might be able to try that? Have you managed to eat much in the last few days for example? Or have a bath or a shower?

    It's really great to see you starting to talk about your next steps and what you feel needs to happen, it might help to break things down into small chunks and to take things slowly, one day at a time, one step at a time.

    Everything you have built with your family is still valid, you have achieved that and it is real, it's credit to you and no one can take that away.

    This news will change things and the future is going to look different but different doesn't have to be bad.

    I wonder, did the GP offer you any referral for support? It would be good to go back to them when you feel ready.

    This page from the NHS on coping with a positive diagnosis could be a good starting point for you: http://www.nhs.uk/Livewell/STIs/Pages/coping-with-positive-HIV-test.aspx

    Take care of yourself *hug*
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Has anyone any idea if I've left things to late to report?
    Is it something people would advise or is it best to just leave well alone and try and move forward myself? I think it's anger talking at the moment and maybe ld regret acting on impulse when I'm feeling like this , have l got a right to be so angry or should l have not been so stupid and took a test after this all happened , so really am l in this situation due to my own stupidity? I'm not even sure if it's possible to report due to the incident happening in a different country, anyone any idea?
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    I wish l could turn back time , I wish I could go back to when life was simple and l had no cares .
    Not coping to well tonight , sat watching my son sleeping and I can feel so much resentment bubbling up inside me . How can l be sat here wishing he had never been born, it's just so wrong of me to think like that but right now I can't help it.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    I'm up and getting Josh ready for an appointment at the Dr's, I'm filled with dread has unsure what today will bring .
    Has a mum l just want to protect my baby but know that this is out of my hands. I hate not having control .
    My mum wanted to go with me but I've decided to take Josh alone, it's something l need to do .
    Whatever today brings I have to try and hold it all together . St marys yesterday gave me lots of answers to the questions I'd been asking which in some ways is giving me back the control. I know that if l decide to take things up with the police they will help me and it doesn't make any difference that this happened in another country. I just have to be brave enough to make that stand and say enough is enough l guess .
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    I just feel like crying my emotions are all over the place. More out of relief than anything it's so difficult thinking about the what ifs .
    Josh was so brave today at the Dr's I was so proud of him.

    How can one person have so many dammed emotions?
    I just would like to scream and yell but it's not going to help my situation is it?
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