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Surreal - coming to terms with the past

2

Comments

  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Maybe alcohol is the way forward for me , I've managed to get a lot done in the last hour !

    My dogs been picked up for the airport in her create !!!!

    I've rung a cleaning company to clean the villa!

    So all that's left is to pack !


    But before l get on I just wanted to Thank you all for listening to me over the last few days.

    It's been good to get things out in the open , in fact I've found the whole experience to be liberating .

    When l set off on this mission to find some answers l never once thought ld find such a great group of people.

    I think My little boy will be keeping me busy for the next 10 days and I'm hoping to make some changes , I've decided that I'm going to take Josh to my home in the uk to try and have some one to one time with him .

    I want to see if things have changed any and that will be easier done without my parents around.

    I've also made an appointment with a rape crisis worker for next Tuesday and will see what they can do to help me move forward .

    Once I'm back in Spain l will let you know how l went on .

    Thankyou once again.

    (I'd like to give a donation to put towards the running of the site - could you let me know how l can do this please?)
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    First thing first, you've got no need to thank any of us, TheSite and it's user's and the odd owl ;P are here to support people like you and we always will be here, you don't get rid of us that easy! ;)

    This really made me smile, I'm so so proud of you, I hope your proud of your self to. You've taken a massive step with contacting someone from Rape Crisis, So a massive well done, I do hope it helps you a little.

    Best of luck with Josh, You'll be brilliant, do let us know how it goes if you feel up to it.

    Best wishes,
    Suzy
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Hey buddy,

    It's fantastic to hear you were able to open up to your friend and it sounds like she's a real gem :yes: It's also amazing to hear that you have taken a step to speak to someone at Rape Crisis and that the trip home isn't feeling quite as bad as it was before. I really admire how you have opened up here and you've clearly got a lot of drive that will help you move forward. Do let us know how things go with your visit back home and we're always here to listen if you need to talk.

    It's been cool to see you helping others around too since you've been here and we hope you'll stick around.

    As suzy says, we don't expect a donation as the support you have received is exactly what TheSite is set up for. If you are interested in supporting us however then take a look at YouthNet.org - this is the website for our charity that runs TheSite.

    Good luck with the dog crate too!! :crazyeyes
  • AndyAndy Moderator Posts: 185 Settling in
    I just want to drop in as I've been reading your posts the last few days (and was around in chat on Sunday) and I wanted to say that you've made some really positive and brave steps these last few days buddy and you should feel really good about that.

    We'll be here whenever you need it.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Well I'm back in sunny Spain after my trip to the UK.

    Id like to say my trip back was a major success , and in some respects it was and in others it was anything but that !!

    I spent yesterday going over things in my head working out what the positives were .

    The first one as to be that the wedding went to plan and the sun was out and l managed to do my job well.

    The next step was seeing my parents, which went better than l anticipated.
    My mum welcomed me with loving arms an dad was happy to see me.

    Josh , well he's grown so much since l last saw him . He's a proper happy child always smiling

    Did l melt when l saw him, the answer is no l didn't
    I left Spain full of hope that this visit would be different , that ld feel the love for my baby that l longed for.
    I went through all the niceties and was fine when l was with my mum , but the minute l took Josh back to my home reality hit!!

    I had a chat with a lady from Rape crisis , who told me my feelings were normal and l could probably benefit from some counselling.
    They have a large waiting list , so no quick fix !!

    I pinned all my hopes on things changing and I've come back to Spain a complete mess , back to square one.
    Im a complete failure
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Hey Buddy, welcome back :wave:

    Sounds like your trip was full of ups and downs and that you pinned a lot of hope on things going well. It's okay to be feeling deflated since you got back, it can be tough when things don't turn out how we imagine and it's easy to build up our expectations sometimes.

    Don't forget all the progress you have made thought. For example, talking to someone at Rape crisis, that's a really brave step - have you thought any more about what they said?

    Maybe give yourself a bit of time to take in everything that happened on the trip and try not to be so hard on yourself. At one point you didn't want to go at all so you're certainly not a failure. It was also really brave to spend some time with Josh on your own even if it wasn't everything that you were hoping for it was another step.

    Have you spoken to your friend since you've been back?
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Well a lot as happened since I last wrote.
    I'm back in the UK and in therapy I'm having intense therapy to see if this can move me forward , first week done and I've had 4 sessions , I've been to the GP who as put me on medication.
    And on Friday I'm going to St .Marys to talk over thing's with a police advocate.
    I'm staying with friends who are ferrying me around everywhere and have been a huge support.
    My family have no clue I'm Back in the uk as don't need the added pressure whilst trying to sort myself out.
    Next therapy session is in the morning !!!
  • AndyAndy Moderator Posts: 185 Settling in
    Go buddy! This is great, it's really good to hear from you and thanks for the update.

    It sounds like you're really going for it and your friends have been incredibly supportive.

    Good luck today at St Mary's - do keep us updated and we'll be here if and when you need it. :)
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Well done! I'm so proud of you.

    Good luck today with St.Marys.

    Reaching out and talking to someone about what you went though is a massive step, I'm so proud of you for doing it, I know how hard it was.

    Take care,

    SuzyOwl.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Well things have been a struggle the last couple of weeks , I never realised therapy would be this difficult it's brought everything back , I'd never fully realised how much this had affected me . Facing reality as been amazingly difficult !!
    I'm just hoping it's all going to be worth it. 3 wks of intense therapy and this week's a rest and recuperation week and then see therapist again on Monday.
    I'm still hiding out at a friends house as can't cope to well with seeing people l know as the tears just start rolling !!!
  • AndyAndy Moderator Posts: 185 Settling in
    Hi buddy,

    Great to see you back and thanks a lot for the update.

    It sounds really tough with the intense therapy so it's no surprise things are feeling a bit overwhelming. It's good you've got a rest week coming up, which sounds well thought out for you. It's great you've got your friend looking after you as well. Have you got any plans for your rest week to take your mind off things for a short time?

    Do keep coming back and keeping us updated.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Buddy!

    It's been really great to sit and read through your posts. I'm so glad you're posting on here as a place to chat and receive some extra support :)

    You're so strong, a fighter for sure. Life hasn't been easy for you and it's not so easy now, but you're taking positive steps and putting things in place to make the future a lot brighter for yourself. I admire this so much. It's really lovely to hear about Josh - i'm glad he's happy, that's vital!

    Keep us up to date with how you're doing. It's great to share your progress. Take care of yourself

    Take Care,

    Rach :)
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    update

    Well its been a while since I put an update up so here goes!

    I flew back to spain last night for a little me time away from family friends and Therapy .

    I've been going through a whole load of different emotions during the last number of weeks , it's not an easy process by far ! In fact I'd say it's the hardest thing I've ever done it's like stripping yourself naked of everything and then building your wardrobe back up over weeks an months ( hope that makes sense)

    I've made a big decision and one that I feel l need to do to move forward with all of this and that is I'm taking myself an Josh back to India , I feel that l need to see the country that I left in such turmoil , taking Josh with me is about hopefully me seeing things in a different light and realising that's it's going to be ok . I want Josh to see India and then we can hopefully close the door on that chapter of my life.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Hey Buddy

    Thanks for the update :) it's good to hear from you and good to hear how you're getting on

    It sounds like you've had a rollercoaster of a journey recently - but it's really great to hear that you're sticking with it all. Therapy seems to be doing you some good from what I can tell? You're carrying on with it which is excellent. I know therapy can be really tough but I know for me, this means it's working :) keep going - you're doing great.

    It's really nice to hear about things with Josh. Will you be moving back to India permanantly or is this just a long vacation? Like you say - it IS going to be okay :) You've come so far - be proud of yourself, okay?

    It is good to close chapters in life, but it's also important to take with you the positives (there's always some in there somewhere!) and realise what you've learnt and how far you've come.

    I really hope you're enjoying Spain - it sure is important to take time out for yourself.

    Stay Strong *hug*

    Rach
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Hi , I've not been on here for so long, it's strange how things change and u want to forget periods of your life when things are going well.
    For me it was just that , but now the wheels have come off again !!
    I'm back to having no one to turn to and no one to listen , well l guess that isn't exactly the truth but it's how l feel.
    I'm more scared than ever before.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    I'm not sure what to do for the best, Im walking around in a daze in my own world afraid of hurting people, just when l thought things were finally working well and I could see a future for me and Josh and the new man in my life.

    Why do I always feel the need to be in total control why could l not lead a life of blissful ignorance?
    I wanted to do this I wanted to be incontrol , I asked him to go for a full screening before we started a full on relationship , I felt it only fair if l was asking him to then l should do the same for him .
    I never once thought for one second that l had anything to worry about , it was just routine a check up it was about taking responsibility for future actions as adults . When I went in to see the Dr we spoke and l laughed and joked and said I know everything will be negative but starting a sexual relationship for me it was important that l could share that everything was ok with my boyfriend and he in return could do the same. The Dr agreed to a full health screen without any issues and so l was sent to the nurse for my tests.
    My Boyfriend then went in to see the Dr and do the same he was then sent to the nurse . I was done and sat waiting in the waiting room , only thing going through my head was lunch and picking Josh up.
    We left with not another thought for what we had done as each of us had no worries that anything would come back abnormal in any way.
    I went back to work and thought no more about it until days later when l received a letter asking me to make an appointment with my dr , even then I just thought it was the formal way they give out our results , I rang and made the appointment for 4 days later still thinking nothing apart from why my boyfriend hadn't recieved his letter but even that I put down to the NHS and things being late.
    I went to th Dr alone in my dinner hour thinking nothing until l got in there and saw his face, he asked me was anyone with me in the waiting room l said no why? He explained that one of my tests came back and he needed a retest doing I asked which one and he told me the HIV had come back has positive , I felt like the chair was going to swallow me up like l had no place to go, I asked him to repeat what he had just said to me but his words just sounded all fuzzy and I felt like I was going to faint , I said I needed fresh air and was going to outside , I went out to my car and just drove off .
    I haven't been home since , I'm hiding in a hotel after telling everyone I've had to go on a shoot for work at short notice.
    How can l face anyone??? How can l tell them ??? How can l face people??? I'm so scared
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    I guess your all has disgusted in me has I feel , l should never have said anything here. I'm sorry
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Nobody is disgusted at all Buddy and I'm so, so sorry to hear about what you're going through. I haven't replied as I'm not too sure what to say but I just thought I'd drop in now to offer you a big hug *hug*

    People will reply when they can. Please do keep posting - we're here for you *hug*
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Nobody is disgusted at all Buddy and I'm so, so sorry to hear about what you're going through. I haven't replied as I'm not too sure what to say but I just thought I'd drop in now to offer you a big hug *hug*

    People will reply when they can. Please do keep posting - we're here for you *hug*

    Seconded :)
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    It's not the right place to write my feelings really , l just don't have anyone else at the moment no one that will truly understand and not judge me.
    Not sure anyone can not judge in this situation has I'm busy judging myself , spent the day with crazy thoughts going through my head to the point that I've written letters to the people l care about explaining my decisions and asking for forgiveness, my heads crazy right now .
    In the moments where I'm thinking logically l realise I can't be selfish has others need me but in my unlogical state I think the world would be a better place if I weren't in it to fuck up any more .
    I've no idea how to sort this situation out, I've no idea how to make it ok in my head, how I can look at myself in the mirror with feeling sick at what looks back at me.
    I'm soooo scared
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Buddy wrote: »
    It's not the right place to write my feelings really , l just don't have anyone else at the moment no one that will truly understand and not judge me.
    Not sure anyone can not judge in this situation has I'm busy judging myself , spent the day with crazy thoughts going through my head to the point that I've written letters to the people l care about explaining my decisions and asking for forgiveness, my heads crazy right now .
    In the moments where I'm thinking logically l realise I can't be selfish has others need me but in my unlogical state I think the world would be a better place if I weren't in it to fuck up any more .
    I've no idea how to sort this situation out, I've no idea how to make it ok in my head, how I can look at myself in the mirror with feeling sick at what looks back at me.
    I'm soooo scared

    Hey there Buddy, I'm Jazzmaraz :wave:

    This is a very good place to write about your feelings Buddy, theres allsorts on here, stories of abuse, rape, drugs, self harm, suicides, cancer, school work, sex etc
    And everyone here is to support each other. TheSite is one massive support web of wibblywobblytimeywomey stuff! No ones going to judge you or your boyfriend here. Theres not much thesiters haven't seen, especially the mods and longtimers like Butterfly. :yes:

    Take things a step at a time. This is a situation where you unfortunatly cannot control the outcome and that's going to be difficult to figure out but ride with it and it will feel easier if you can. At the moment it sounds like you're in shock, that's quite a lot of overwhelming information you are experiencing at the moment so take it easy. *hug*

    Keep talking, we can pitch in when we can :) xx *hug*
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    I have no control over anything at all , it's because of my control issues I'm in this mess if ld have not been so controlling and so wanting to be in total control I wouldn't be in this mess I'd still have everything , a loving family a boyfriend and a future but right now I have fuck all apart from a hotel room and mini bar and my awful thoughts going through my head that no amount of alcohol is switching them off. I've written letters and even they sound pathetic. I never thought I'd ever consider suicide but l am lm in my head planning my own way out . Sound pathetic l know and yes I thought of Josh an my parents my friends and everyone an my conclusion is they would all be better off with me gone.
    I just need to find the guts to do it.
    I've no real right to be scared , I caused this fucking mess all my own fucking doing no one else's all mine
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    I'm sorry
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    I have nowhere to run and no place to hide I've no idea what I'm going to do.
    I can stay where l am but it's not solving anything , but what's the alternative? Shattering the life's of my loved ones by my news? Or would it be better to just dissappear?
    Is suicidal so wrong? Or his trying to deal with this mess really worth it? Or do I continue to try an act normal like l was before the news and just pretend l don't know ?
    Am l wrong to be scared? Am l wrong to be angry? Who am l to be angry at? Me?
    I just don't know what to do , suicide seems so final yet HIV seems final too .
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Hi Buddy,

    I'm glad you're posting again as it sounds like you could really do with our support right now.

    Can you tell us a bit more about what's going on for you at the moment? You mentioned staying at a hotel? And about HIV? Have you had a recent diagnosis?

    If so it's natural to be feeling shocked, scared and alone. I want to let you know about The Terence Higgins trust - they're a charity offering online advice and support to people living with HIV if you need to talk. They have an online community as well as a helpline you can call.

    If you're struggling with suicidal thoughts then the Samaritans are there for you, they will provide a confidential, anonymous and non-judgemental listening ear - you can contact them any time of the day or night via phone or email: http://www.samaritans.org/

    If you're outside of the UK then Befrienders Worldwide can help you find local support: http://www.befrienders.org/help-and-support

    Let us know how you're getting on, we're here to listen and help where we can *hug*
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    I'm sorry I'm not making much sense at the moment, I'm in a mess and I am finding it difficult to find a way to sort myself out.

    Jo , I'm used to being totally in control even to the point of saying I'm a control freak .
    I met someone a while ago that I've been getting close too, someone that doesn't mind that l already have a child .He seems a really nice person and someone I guess I was considering starting a full on realtionship with him. We had talked about starting a sexual realtionship and I'd asked him if he would go for a sexual health check first and in asking him I also said I'd do the same for him ,this was something that was very important to me , guess it's part of the control freak in me .l just wanted to be sure that if this was going to start to be serious then we were both being honest with each other.
    I never once questioned myself as l felt I had no worries at all when it came to my sexual health and it just seemed so routine .
    My only worry about starting a realtionship was my last sexual experince which wasn't one I want to recount and relive and being totally in control was my way of dealing with that.
    I went with my boyfriend for the sexual health check , I went in first and ask for a full screening and saw nothing to be worried about. My boyfriend did the same has he said he had no worries about it.
    We never spoke about it afterwards as it seemed insignificant. It wasn't until l got a letter asking that I make an appointment to see my Gp that I wondered why but even then I thought nothing of it really, I made the appointment for 4 days later and went in my lunch hour , has soon as l saw my gps face l knew there was an issue he asked had l come to the appointment on my own which l had. He told me one my test results had come back positive and he wanted another test doing , l asked which test and he said the HIV test, to be honest I want taking it all in after the word HIV I'd gone . I told him l needed some fresh air and left , ld planned to go back in but saw my car and just got in it and drove.l panicked I rang my parents to look after Josh and said l was being sent on a shoot at work at short notice which isn't uncommon , but I'm not at work I'm sat in an hotel room not wanting to face anyone.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    I've spent all weekend with this going around and around in my head. I'm so scared of this , it's like I've no way of sorting it out , I've no way of not hurting the people l love and I feel so out of control .
    My thoughts are crazy at the moment and I'm doing all l can to not listen to them.
    I'm used to finding solutions I'm used to working through my issues , I did lots of therapy to function again properly after the rape , and felt I was finally getting my life back on track . Found the man of my dreams someone that's patient and kind and caring not just to me but Josh as well.
    Please help me find a way forward .
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Hi Buddy,

    Sorry things sound so hard for you right now and I don't really know what to say.

    Have you had a chance to look at the site Jo suggested about HIV?

    There's nothing to be ashamed of. Would you consider giving your boyfriend, friends, family the letters maybe it would help to explain what's what at the moment. They should hopefully support you in the diagnosis you've had.

    Sorry It's not very good advice.

    Sending hugs x


    Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    To be honest I've not looked at the site Jo sent , I think to look at that right now would be to much, l don't want to face this .
    I keep asking myself what I've done so wrong??
    My entire adult life has been based on my work , that's been my focus I've not done realtionship due to working away a lot and I don't do casual affairs , for me it's all or nothing. Life is complicated enough without issues like this .
    I've been in control of everything up until my trip to India when yes l admit that l didn't fully respect the country that l was in and the dangers that surrounded my trip and maybe in hindsight I put myself in a vulnerable position that looking back on l regret but can't change. I worked long and hard to gain control of my life after that and have started to see a life for me and Josh , a life that I thought was going somewhere l could finally see a future with a man that was willing to take us both on l could finally see the loving family I've always wanted for Josh .
    But it's not meant to be like that l know this now , my trip to India has wrecked my life completely. Having Josh was the hardest thing I've ever done and to finally say that l love him more than life would be an understatement , but none of it means anything anymore l feel all that resentment raising it's ugly head again.
    I'm done.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    You can all judge me as there's no worse judge than me and l hate myself , l can't get clean I keep getting in the shower an scrubbing myself but I come out an l feel so dirty so l go back an shower again but it's not working.
    Nothings ever going to get me clean again is it? I'm never ever going to feel in control again am l?
    I'm never going to be the best mother to Josh am l? I'm always going to resent him aren't l?
    Judge me for that it's ok , l get it.
    I'm so angry at myself I'm so fucking stupid to be in this fucking situation.
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