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Guilt... Coming out.
Former Member
Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
So, I guess thsi is aimed at the queer people on these boards...
I came out to my Mum a few weeks ago and I don't think it went down well, despite my brother being gay. At first she said "if i were around these days, I'd probably be bisexual too" and then went on to say she thought she had a crush on a female teacher once because that teacher believed in her. Basically she went cold....
The thing is, I don't identify as "bi"... I haven't fancied the male form in years and don't know if I could ever see myself with a man, apart from convenience, at least at this point in my life. But my Mum seems to think that I go with women because I am scared men will hurt me... But I've been hurt by a woman too and in a relationship sense, trust them less because they have a sort of emtional grip on me...
So I guess I was wondering how other people's parents took this.
Now sometimes I lie awake at night wondering if Mum is right and if I am attracted to women because subconsciously I have a fear of men (even though I am dominant with men and more sub with women and feel in control with them) and this makes me queer. In a way it makes me anxious about women... Even more so than before.
But then I know these feelings have been real... They've been incredible...
Am I thinking too deeply?
I came out to my Mum a few weeks ago and I don't think it went down well, despite my brother being gay. At first she said "if i were around these days, I'd probably be bisexual too" and then went on to say she thought she had a crush on a female teacher once because that teacher believed in her. Basically she went cold....
The thing is, I don't identify as "bi"... I haven't fancied the male form in years and don't know if I could ever see myself with a man, apart from convenience, at least at this point in my life. But my Mum seems to think that I go with women because I am scared men will hurt me... But I've been hurt by a woman too and in a relationship sense, trust them less because they have a sort of emtional grip on me...
So I guess I was wondering how other people's parents took this.
Now sometimes I lie awake at night wondering if Mum is right and if I am attracted to women because subconsciously I have a fear of men (even though I am dominant with men and more sub with women and feel in control with them) and this makes me queer. In a way it makes me anxious about women... Even more so than before.
But then I know these feelings have been real... They've been incredible...
Am I thinking too deeply?
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Comments
just guesswork, but:
She's been OK with your brother, because she kinda got used to the idea while she was waiting for him to grow out of it.
You, on the other hand are now mature and accomplished; and the last chance for grandchildren. so because you've had boyfriends she's being careful that you don't count them out in the future.
As to why - I'd say it doesn't really matter, unless it bothers you.
There must be some form of disappointment deep in her heart somewhere (e.g. no grandchildren, no in-laws, none of her friends have gay children, etc etc etc).
Give her time and she will adjust, I'm sure.
I'm not gay myself but ^good post^.
It must be quite a shock to her to have a gay son and a gay daughter, give it time to settle in really.
Hope it turns out ok.
I thought Teagan's post was good too. I think older generations find it harder to accept homosexuality. When all's said and done though, you're still her daughter and a mothers love is unconditional. I really hope everything works out for you.
It sounds to me as if your mum was as understanding as she could have been. Maybe she is disappointed, but by trying to put her own experiences to use, she's making an effort to understand where you're coming from, and putting her own ideas to you as well. That's what happens in a discussion. If she said she'd probably be bi too, surely that's a good thing? Meaning she understands where you're coming from but could never explore it in her own youth? Maybe I have the wrong end of the stick; obviously I wasn't present at the conversation but from what you've described here she sounds pretty cool about it. Did you come at the discussion already on the defensive? Sometimes our expectations distort what we hear.....
I can't be bothered with them knowing anything. I would not care if they thought I was gay, or if they knew if I was gay.
You speak as if having a fear of men and being dominant with men but submissive with women are opposite things....surely you're submissive with women because you feel more comfortable, more trusting and less likely to get hurt with them, so you're happy to hand them the power?
would you rather fuck a guy or a girl ?
and the answer to that is probably your answer
dont worry too much about your mum i expect she will come round eventually
hope it all goes well
You seem to believe they're only superficial insecurities, so trust your instincts.
I hope things work out with your mum. xxx
That's just wrong.
TBH, I tink some of the way Namaste's mum reacted could be shock but I dunno?
Dont worry. She might not be OK with it now, but remember she still loves you.
Yes the grandchildren thing will probably be putting her in shock right now - my mum would probably drop dead of shock if my bro came out too. The fact that both of you are gay may be making her feel uncomfortable etc - she might be thinking, what did I do wrong in raising my kids to be like this.
It took my mum the best part of a year to accept my sexuality, and even now she still questions it. Your mum's reaction is natural, and I'm sure that in time she will accept it (her reaction doesn't sound as bad as my mums, so you might be a bit luckier).
Good luck, and if you want to talk about it some more, just P.M me honey xx
Well my Mum is not homophobic, she used to work in civil partnerships and stuff and is training as a councillor and would one day like to council trans people.
I think maybe it is shock, or my fears... I don't know.
:yes: and i've done the same ting myself. then i realized you don't need to justify who you are. you'd be searching for answers forever if you try. just accept it and don't deny it.
may be it was a shock to your mum that both her kids turned out to be gay and her reaction to you was straight denial that that could happen? also i tend to find that men being gay is accepted a lot easier than women on the whole. give her a bit of time for it to sink in, she might come to terms with it when she gets over her initial reaction.
You took the words right out of my mouth when you said that you haven't fancied the male form for years and that you can't picture yourself with a man; I'm EXACTLY the same! That makes me think, "oh I might just as well label myself a lesbian", but then I have this tiny bit of open-mindedness about the opposite sex. I still can't make up my mind, although I have a feeling I will end up with a girl, as I've only ever had proper proper feelings for girls, even after I've been hurt by them. I think you should just go with the flow, and enjoy whoever you're with.
Like having 2 left-handed children, really.
I see so there could be a reason why they're both gay? Not just coincidence?
I just think that the older generation will take time to come to terms with a child coming out. In their day, homosexuality was frowned upon, and even by myself.
Now, because of my brother, I have very different views on it. We still joke about it and I take the piss out of him, but my views have completely changed!
Giver your mum time......time helps a lot of things.